Wrapper's Delight

It's been another Bonner - er, we mean banner - year for the Spurs, who rolled the rest of the league like a taquito, resulting in the league's best record and the number one seed in the West. Now that the regular season is over(you may have noticed we rested our starters down the stretch, a la San Antonio), players are free to have fun, which for Matt Bonner, who last turned heads when his face was on someone else's, translates to talking over tacos with hip hop stars. When he chills, it involves chilies.

He was supposed to riff with rapper Riff Raff, but like tomatoes in a tortilla, he fell through, so in stepped Bushwick Bill of the Gheto Boys, who we learned must have bad breath because he enjoys eating tuna on garlic bread and considers chicken a "barnyard pimp" (they do strut similarly - or is that our mind playing tricks on us?).

Clearly, there's no keeping the Red Mamba's goofiness under wraps, although we still say the silliest snake is (Monty) Python. The video was shot in Austin, where the Alamo folks flock to is a cinema that serves cerveza, and is supposed to be the first of several. What's next, a soda series: Drinkin' pop with Pop*? Here's what we want to see in the second short: The Red Mamba eating a Red Burrito with Redman.

* if Bonner agrees to be a guest, the ginger can gab about ginger ale

Check Your (Red)Head*

Touch the back of your dome. If it feels strangely like the contours of Spurs reserve Matt Bonner's visage, then you're probably Texas 12-year-old Patrick Gonzalez^, who was suspended from school for what administrators deemed a "distracting" 'do. Gonzalez was ordered to remove the portrait of his favorite player - Gonzalez also has auburn hair - from his scalp before he was allowed to return to the classroom. If his classmates are so easily sidetracked, then the school has much bigger problems than its students hairstyles. Believing Gonzalez raised Hell with a razor is shear lunacy.

Gonzalez was forced to shave his head, but his arcane mane wasn't in vain. The Spurs gave him playoff tickets to Thursday's home game and on Sunday, San Antonio completed its second straight series sweep, showing that they're a cut above the rest. For both Gonzalez and the Spurs, facing Clippers was no cause for concern.

*We have yet to confirm that his coiffure was created at Paul's Boutique.
^Unless you're Matt Bonner with your face on backwards.

Manu's Mano

The Spurs, already one of the teams most adversely affected by the back-breaking back-to-back-to-back schedule borne out of the lockout, has caught another bad break. Manu Ginobli, the team's leading scorer, fractured his shooting hand and will miss two months. This time period will test whether the team is over the Hill - and we're not alluding to the advanced ages of Tim Duncan and Tony Parker, but rather the exit of the up-and-coming George Hill, who signed with the Pacers. San Antonio will insert Gary Neal, another one of the franchise's fine finds, who was called up from the D-League (he played in 80 games for the Spurs last year).

The Southwest, early on, appears to be the weakest division. The Spurs sit atop it and every other team has a losing record. Last season's sweethearts, the Grizzlies, are dealing with a grizzly injury of their own to All-Star Zach Randolph. A torn MCL will shelve him for the same amount of time as Ginobli. Meanwhile, the Mavericks look incapable of defending their championship due to departure of the team's best defender (Tyson Chandler)and their best sub (J.J. Barrea). They've strangely chosen to replace those two difference-makers with trouble-makers: a guy who's acted as if he's allergic to defense (Vince Carter) and a complete headcase (Delonte West). They've also imported a Kardashian and her thin-skinned husband (Lamar Odom), thus completing the three-ring circus of awful additions. Also, Jason Kidd hurt his back in the Mavs blowout loss to the Spurs on Thursday (Neal lent a hand, chipping in with 12 points, all on threes), in a contest that saw Spurs power forward Matt Bonner outscore Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki by 11 points (17 to 6), causing Bonner to quip, "That was a Christmas miracle."* What would be a New Year's mistake is counting San Antonio out.

*The Bonner household must've been last on Santa's list for him not to arrive until January 5. Old St. Nick is blaming the delay on a faulty GPS and plans to replace his reindeer with a TomTom (that way, he'll only have to remember one name when commanding his sleigh to be guided).