Back in his college days, J.J. Redick composed some poems, proving his passion for perimeter lines and pentameter ones. Now that he's sidelined with an injury, he's got some time on his hands (just because he's in the pros doesn't mean he only writes prose). In a exclusive, we have his latest work, The Ballad of the Bench-Warmer.
I sit in a suit and watch from the pine
As my coach continues to whine and whine
There's no ref or call he won't bash
He's uptight for a man with a porn moustache
Stan Van and his star are emotional wrecks
It's no wonder Dwight has 17 techs.
I make plans to party 'til dawn*
With fellow Dukie Chris Duhon
I see Ryan Andersen shoot a three
And oh, how I wish that was me
He reminds me I dearly miss my vocation
As the only other white guy in the rotation.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating
It's not what's eating Gilbert, but what's Gilbert eating?
Never again will he be a starter
His effort is low, recalling Vince Carter
Turkoglu throws another errant pass
That had no chance of reaching Brandon Bass.
Depleted roster leads to another loss
Our bench is thinner than Kate Moss
Just think, I used to be another Duke a-hole
But now I fulfill a critical role
A small victory I've surely won
Just by out-lasting Adam Morrison.
*Ok, I lied -- we're going to Cinnabon
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
No Pain, No Gaines
Three days after signing his first multi-year deal in the NBA, journeyman and former face of the 10-day contract Sundiata "Sunny D" Gaines hurt his hip in a game and will miss the remainder of the season. However, that time would have been spent toiling for the Nets, so the injury could be considered a lucky break.
A more impactful injury is David West's torn ACL, which ends his season, as New Orleans tries to hold on to a playoff spot. Without West, the team's leading scorer, the Hornets seem to be headed in a different direction: south.
The Heat's holy trinity all scored 30 points apiece Sunday night in a win. Ever the egomaniacs, they're demanding ESPN make a 30-for-30 documentary about their performance. They want it to be narrated by Charlie Sheen and called, Tri-Winning.
Grant Hill, in response to disparaging comments made by Jalen Rose about their college rivalry 20 years ago, wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times. There's no truth that he used another outdated medium to respond, taking to the telegraph to transmit his thoughts or that, following Rose's remarks, Hill's pager "blew up."
A Harvard group has calculated the complete the box score from Space Jam. Next up: determining the source of the magical properties of the sneakers in Like Mike and solving how Marlon Wayans was able to see and interact with his dead friend in The 6th Man.
Stan Van Gundy compared David Stern to a dictator. Countering, Stern threatened to fire the Houston Rockets at him. Taken aback, Moammar Gadhafi pointed out that he never instituted a dress code to his people.
Several super slammers, such as Shawn Kemp and Dwight Howard, have said they were unimpressed by Blake Griffin's dunk over the hood of a Kia. to silence his critics, Griffin has vowed to jump over an Ikea. Basketball in one hand, Allen wrench in the other.
Sadly, the new Broadway play The Book of Mormon isn't about Shawn Bradley. Nor is the revival of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying about James Dolan.
Anaheim is making an active bid for the Sacramento Kings to move to their city, where they plan to rename the team "The Mighty Dunks."
On Friday, Chris Andersen shot a perfect 7-for-7 from the field and scored 17 points in just 21 minutes. The Birdman was a little peacocky about it and started to crow.
The Nuggets are 12-4 since sending Carmelo to what he thought would be the Madison Square Garden of Eden (looks like he's taken a bite from the Big Apple), meaning the road has been anything but rocky in Denver. One Nugget believes the superstar-less squad's success is due to unselfish play. "You can be a dominant player who has dominant games and dominant moments without dominating the entire gym." That's Affalo's creed. Clearly, he's got the eye of the tiger.
A poisonous 20-inch cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo Saturday. We think Kobe might have taken this "black mamba" thing too far. We hope he doesn't take the reptile on the road because we've seen what happens when there are snakes on a plane and frankly, our eardrums can't take more of Samuel L. Jackson's shouting.
A more impactful injury is David West's torn ACL, which ends his season, as New Orleans tries to hold on to a playoff spot. Without West, the team's leading scorer, the Hornets seem to be headed in a different direction: south.
The Heat's holy trinity all scored 30 points apiece Sunday night in a win. Ever the egomaniacs, they're demanding ESPN make a 30-for-30 documentary about their performance. They want it to be narrated by Charlie Sheen and called, Tri-Winning.
Grant Hill, in response to disparaging comments made by Jalen Rose about their college rivalry 20 years ago, wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times. There's no truth that he used another outdated medium to respond, taking to the telegraph to transmit his thoughts or that, following Rose's remarks, Hill's pager "blew up."
A Harvard group has calculated the complete the box score from Space Jam. Next up: determining the source of the magical properties of the sneakers in Like Mike and solving how Marlon Wayans was able to see and interact with his dead friend in The 6th Man.
Stan Van Gundy compared David Stern to a dictator. Countering, Stern threatened to fire the Houston Rockets at him. Taken aback, Moammar Gadhafi pointed out that he never instituted a dress code to his people.
Several super slammers, such as Shawn Kemp and Dwight Howard, have said they were unimpressed by Blake Griffin's dunk over the hood of a Kia. to silence his critics, Griffin has vowed to jump over an Ikea. Basketball in one hand, Allen wrench in the other.
Sadly, the new Broadway play The Book of Mormon isn't about Shawn Bradley. Nor is the revival of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying about James Dolan.
Anaheim is making an active bid for the Sacramento Kings to move to their city, where they plan to rename the team "The Mighty Dunks."
On Friday, Chris Andersen shot a perfect 7-for-7 from the field and scored 17 points in just 21 minutes. The Birdman was a little peacocky about it and started to crow.
The Nuggets are 12-4 since sending Carmelo to what he thought would be the Madison Square Garden of Eden (looks like he's taken a bite from the Big Apple), meaning the road has been anything but rocky in Denver. One Nugget believes the superstar-less squad's success is due to unselfish play. "You can be a dominant player who has dominant games and dominant moments without dominating the entire gym." That's Affalo's creed. Clearly, he's got the eye of the tiger.
A poisonous 20-inch cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo Saturday. We think Kobe might have taken this "black mamba" thing too far. We hope he doesn't take the reptile on the road because we've seen what happens when there are snakes on a plane and frankly, our eardrums can't take more of Samuel L. Jackson's shouting.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Kevin Love Leads a Double-Double Life
Holy, Moses Malone. We have finally arrived at the answer to the highly danceable query Haddaway posed in the earlier 90's (that the Butabi brothers could never solve), "What is Love?" Kevin Love is a double-double machine. On Wednesday night, Love surpassed Malone's record, tallying his 52nd consecutive double-double in ferocious fashion with 21 rebounds, all while hobbling on a swollen left knee that limited him to 27 minutes, in a rare victory for his team (you could say he was working double time. As incredible as Love has been, he's far from the only great thing associated with the word "double." Our list will make you do a double-take.
Double Dribble: The rosters had no real players and there were no designed plays or semblance of structure, so comparisons to the Minnesota franchise abound. Still, let's hope the league doesn't contract to four teams and re-name one of them the "Frogs".
KFC's Double Down: This bread-less sandwich contains more chicken than the Wolves have PGs (the quality of both yet to be determined), the difference being a plethora of poultry is always a plus. It will fill you with a sense of unease, like Michael Beasley. If this can't convince Ricky Rubio to come to America, nothing can.
Double Dare: Kurt Rambis should be slimed for starting Love in only 22 games last season.
Double Rainbow Guy: There's a natural beauty to Love's simple style, although we don't think seeing him in action has made anyone openly weep with joy, outside of Bill Walton.
Double Impact^: What's better than uno Van Damme? Dos. Minnesota can only hope Love has a long-lost twin. Better start scouting Hong Kong orphanages.
Double Dragon: Love can relate to this video game, where you often get ganged up on making winning nearly impossible. Like the NES version, Love must make do with minimal jumping. The T-Wolves are similar to the Double Dragon film adaptation -- watched by a mere handful, deemed awful and soon to be completely forgotten.
The Doublemint Twins: Should be waiting for Love on his hotel's double bed, ready to go on a double date (minus the second dude). The duo know how to blow more than bubbles~.
*TCU knows that frogs aren't fierce unless you give them something sharp, such as a horn or a switchblade.
^For a double feature, we suggest also viewing Double Team, which pairs Van Damme with the rowdiest rebounder ever, Dennis Rodman.
~How's that for double entendre?
Double Dribble: The rosters had no real players and there were no designed plays or semblance of structure, so comparisons to the Minnesota franchise abound. Still, let's hope the league doesn't contract to four teams and re-name one of them the "Frogs".
KFC's Double Down: This bread-less sandwich contains more chicken than the Wolves have PGs (the quality of both yet to be determined), the difference being a plethora of poultry is always a plus. It will fill you with a sense of unease, like Michael Beasley. If this can't convince Ricky Rubio to come to America, nothing can.
Double Dare: Kurt Rambis should be slimed for starting Love in only 22 games last season.
Double Rainbow Guy: There's a natural beauty to Love's simple style, although we don't think seeing him in action has made anyone openly weep with joy, outside of Bill Walton.
Double Impact^: What's better than uno Van Damme? Dos. Minnesota can only hope Love has a long-lost twin. Better start scouting Hong Kong orphanages.
Double Dragon: Love can relate to this video game, where you often get ganged up on making winning nearly impossible. Like the NES version, Love must make do with minimal jumping. The T-Wolves are similar to the Double Dragon film adaptation -- watched by a mere handful, deemed awful and soon to be completely forgotten.
The Doublemint Twins: Should be waiting for Love on his hotel's double bed, ready to go on a double date (minus the second dude). The duo know how to blow more than bubbles~.
*TCU knows that frogs aren't fierce unless you give them something sharp, such as a horn or a switchblade.
^For a double feature, we suggest also viewing Double Team, which pairs Van Damme with the rowdiest rebounder ever, Dennis Rodman.
~How's that for double entendre?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
London Balling
Blokes across the pond are fond of football (the feet-only kind*) and double-decker buses, but we're not sure how they feel about basketball and a double dose of two terrible teams, the Nets and Raptors (34 wins combined before Friday), which initially appeared as appealing as stale scones or a beardless Russell Brand. What at first glance seemed to be bollocks unexpectedly turned into dog's bollocks^, because on Saturday, the lords and ladies in attendance were treated to a triple overtime thriller. More buzzers sounded than in a Jeopardy game. Scores were higher than when Cambridge students take standardized tests (the lowest point total was 103). Less defense was played than during the All-Star Game, despite only one all-star participating. A tip of the driver's cap/hoist of the pint glass to Deron Williams, who insisted on making the trip, despite wrist and hand injuries, displaying a Jason Statham-level of toughness and passing so deftly (29 assists total) that Man U wants to sign him to shore up the midfield.
Nets coach Avery Johnson, after his squad (chimney) swept the series, gave credit to the Raptors and perhaps astutely addressed the cultural difference in athletics when he noted, "Unfortunately, these games don't end in a tie." That might've been the only way they disappointed the Brits, who don't understand that to Americans, sports is all about winning~.
David Stern must be chuffed. All in all, a pair of otherwise forgettable teams provided at least an entertaining exhibition, if not memorable matchup, and put on a jolly good show. Only time will tell if this helped London bridge the basketball gap between the nations.
* Maybe Rex Ryan would enjoy that version more.
^Byron, Keats and Wordsworth would be proud of what the English language has become.
~Maybe we could send Charlie Sheen over to impart some lessons on "winning."
Nets coach Avery Johnson, after his squad (chimney) swept the series, gave credit to the Raptors and perhaps astutely addressed the cultural difference in athletics when he noted, "Unfortunately, these games don't end in a tie." That might've been the only way they disappointed the Brits, who don't understand that to Americans, sports is all about winning~.
David Stern must be chuffed. All in all, a pair of otherwise forgettable teams provided at least an entertaining exhibition, if not memorable matchup, and put on a jolly good show. Only time will tell if this helped London bridge the basketball gap between the nations.
* Maybe Rex Ryan would enjoy that version more.
^Byron, Keats and Wordsworth would be proud of what the English language has become.
~Maybe we could send Charlie Sheen over to impart some lessons on "winning."
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