Opening a Can of the Worm

Dennis Rodman has held a plurality of positions: player, provacateur, peroxide blonde, paramour of peroxide blondes, but a diplomat? That's Kim Jong Un-believable. Rodman returned from his trip to the closed-off country believing that basketball could break the barriers of belligerence that have built up naturally over a half-century of hatred and threats of nuclear strikes from both sides. The star of 1999's Simon Sez says Jong Un, who assumed control in 2011, is an "awesome guy" who wishes the President would pick up the phone; "He wants Obama to do one thing, call him," Rodman reported. Even if it's collect, the young leader is willing to accept the charges.

Rodman talked about his travels on Sunday show This Week with a boy wearing a grown-up's suit, who we're told is George Stephanopolous, proceeded to enrich him politically as thoroughly as the North Koreans enrich uranium chemically. We surmise Stephanopolous had been storing up hard-hitting questions that he's banned from asking on Good Morning America like North Korea stockpiles weapons they're banned from possessing. Rodman wasn't prepped for the peppering and kept stammering, "Guess what?" Well, guess what, Dennis? Today, North Korea threatened a "preemptive nuclear attack," so your second sojourn to see your Pyongyang pal will have to be on the sooner side. This time, take Metta World Peace with you.

Left for Deadline

Inspired by the Oscars, we've been busy working on a film of our own, a historical drama about the 2003 draft, Zero Darko Thirty. Much like the Academy Awards, this year's trade deadline was more stirring to squawk and speculate about than it was to sit through*. The most noteworthy move was the reunion of identical twins Marcus and Markieff Morris, who have almost identical stats this season (8.6 ppg, 4.1 rpg and 7.3 and 4.3, respectively)^. Despite the unending uneducated guesses of ESPN rumor-mongers who identify as reporters, there were no Argo-esque escapes for stars supposedly up for sale. Josh Smith is still a Beast of the Southern Wild, while Dwight Howard remains part of Les Miserables, aka the Lakers. All we know is Mike D'Antoni needs to find his Silver Linings Playbook fast, before an unchained Phil Jackson comes for him like Django.

Happy belated birthday to Charles Barkley, who we're guessing spit out the candles on his cake. We're developing a documentary on the "Round Mound of Rebound": Life of Pie.

Speaking of rebellious rebounders from the '90s, Dennis Rodman is currently in North Korea, along with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, to promote the sport of basketball, by conducting a camp for children and competing in games against the country's best athletes. An abnormal area requires an abnormal ambassador. Rodman might've finally found a nation where insanity is appreciated.

*Sorry, we Shat(ner) all over both events.

^Although it is fun to guess what words poet J.J. Redick (15.1 ppg, 12th in total threes made) has decided rhyme with his new home city, "Milwaukee." Here's some help: thrill jockey, skill hockey and shrill walkie-talkie.

For Kobe, "The Worst" is Over

We apologize for our unannounced absence. Would you believe we got completely caught up in the WNBA playoffs? You wouldn't? Would you believe we were working with Rockets rookie Royce White, who has a fear of flying, to solve transportation troubles? We suggested he ride in a Rolls Royce. You wouldn't, either? Would you believe we were busy ghostwriting a series of children's literature for Amar'e Stoudemire? You still wouldn't? You skeptical son of a bitch, smushing our fragile feelings like Kobe Bryant did to a certain former teammate, who he didn't throw under a bus so much as toss him beneath a fleet of tractor trailers. Well, at least it was generous of Kobe to grant Parker double the amount of time in the spotlight Andy Warhol would've allotted him. We think Kobe had less of a problem with Parker's 30 minutes of fame, than his 30 minutes a game. Parker says Bryant seldom spoke to him and brushed off bonding to be with bodyguards. Isolation is Bryant's preferred plan on and off the court. It's possible Kobe believes to figuratively separate himself from fellow players, he must literally separate himself from them.

Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.

*He said he needed them finished STAT.

A Small Dos of Shaq

We're not sure if the association has a retired players foreign exchange program, but not long after Eduardo Najera, the first Mexican-born player to be drafted, was named the coach and part-owner of the D-League's Texas Legends, it's being reported that Shaq is in discussions to suit up South of the Border. ¡Que coincidencia! Fuerza Regia has invited the Shaqtus to be indigenous to the Monterrey area, for a two-game stint in October.

The club has signed side-shows before, such as Dennis Rodman, which makes sense, since "The Worm" has found the worm at the bottle of a few tequila bottles and because he's the closest approximation to a luchador that the NBA has had, plus players who are sort-of stars, in that their names contain connections to constellations: Jamario Moon and 7'9" Sun Ming Ming. We encourage the gringo to go; say si and see the country. For instance, after you've flattened a few flaco foes like tortillas, treat yourself to a trip to Shaqapulco.

Kevin Love Leads a Double-Double Life

Holy, Moses Malone. We have finally arrived at the answer to the highly danceable query Haddaway posed in the earlier 90's (that the Butabi brothers could never solve), "What is Love?" Kevin Love is a double-double machine. On Wednesday night, Love surpassed Malone's record, tallying his 52nd consecutive double-double in ferocious fashion with 21 rebounds, all while hobbling on a swollen left knee that limited him to 27 minutes, in a rare victory for his team (you could say he was working double time. As incredible as Love has been, he's far from the only great thing associated with the word "double." Our list will make you do a double-take.

Double Dribble: The rosters had no real players and there were no designed plays or semblance of structure, so comparisons to the Minnesota franchise abound. Still, let's hope the league doesn't contract to four teams and re-name one of them the "Frogs".

KFC's Double Down: This bread-less sandwich contains more chicken than the Wolves have PGs (the quality of both yet to be determined), the difference being a plethora of poultry is always a plus. It will fill you with a sense of unease, like Michael Beasley. If this can't convince Ricky Rubio to come to America, nothing can.

Double Dare: Kurt Rambis should be slimed for starting Love in only 22 games last season.

Double Rainbow Guy: There's a natural beauty to Love's simple style, although we don't think seeing him in action has made anyone openly weep with joy, outside of Bill Walton.

Double Impact^: What's better than uno Van Damme? Dos. Minnesota can only hope Love has a long-lost twin. Better start scouting Hong Kong orphanages.

Double Dragon: Love can relate to this video game, where you often get ganged up on making winning nearly impossible. Like the NES version, Love must make do with minimal jumping. The T-Wolves are similar to the Double Dragon film adaptation -- watched by a mere handful, deemed awful and soon to be completely forgotten.

The Doublemint Twins: Should be waiting for Love on his hotel's double bed, ready to go on a double date (minus the second dude). The duo know how to blow more than bubbles~.

*TCU knows that frogs aren't fierce unless you give them something sharp, such as a horn or a switchblade.
^For a double feature, we suggest also viewing Double Team, which pairs Van Damme with the rowdiest rebounder ever, Dennis Rodman.
~How's that for double entendre?