Shaq is filling up on apps - but he's storing them in his smartphone, not his stomach. In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, The Big Gigabyte estimates he spends $1,000 a week on downloads for his devices*. That's enough Candy Crush to give a tablet a (blue)toothache. His latest obsession is deer hunting games, so he has been shelling out big bucks to bag big bucks, virtually.
How can his tech hold all that software? His hard drive has to be larger than he is. Shaq was an early investor in Google, so he shifted from Blue Chips to microchips awhile ago.
*surely, the star of Kazaam uses Shazam
Showing posts with label Shaq. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shaq. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Shaqtin' a Fu
Before Neo knew kung fu, Shaquille O'Neal mastered the martial art - at least the pixilated version of him. The year was 1994 and thanks to the success of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, one-on-one fighting games were all the (Primal) Rage. So was Shaq, who jump-kicked at the chance to roundhouse in his Reeboks. Thus, Shaq Fu was spawned. The game was slammed harder than Shaq ever did and internet reviewers revel in ripping it two decades later.
Contrary to popular belief and belittlement, it was far from the worst video game ever or even of its era. In fact, it wasn't even the worst title produced by Electronic Arts starring a basketball player in an action role released that year. That dubious distinction belongs to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. Still, there is no doubt EA 16-bit off more than it could chew. Considering the plot involved sending Shaq to another dimension, the cartridge had little depth.
At any rate, Shaq is baq, but only on the PC (not Maq). However, he won't raise his fists a second time without first raising some money. A crowdfunding campaign began yesterday, on the Big Sensei's birthday. The developers are attempting to collect $450,000 in 45 days and they're so close to their goal - just $415,000 shy. There are perks for contributing your cash, such as having your face placed in the game ($2K), lunch and pickup hoops at Shaq's house ($15K) and the reward de resistance: sitting in on a taping of the TNT studio show with everyone's favorite, fun-loving foursome*.
Shaq swears, by not swearing, that "this time we won't fu it up." His promise remind us of an ancient Chinese proverb: Fu us once, Shaq, shame on you; fu us twice, shame on us.
*one prize we know will remain unclaimed is courtside seats to a Kings game. $3K should get you a roster spot.
Contrary to popular belief and belittlement, it was far from the worst video game ever or even of its era. In fact, it wasn't even the worst title produced by Electronic Arts starring a basketball player in an action role released that year. That dubious distinction belongs to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. Still, there is no doubt EA 16-bit off more than it could chew. Considering the plot involved sending Shaq to another dimension, the cartridge had little depth.
At any rate, Shaq is baq, but only on the PC (not Maq). However, he won't raise his fists a second time without first raising some money. A crowdfunding campaign began yesterday, on the Big Sensei's birthday. The developers are attempting to collect $450,000 in 45 days and they're so close to their goal - just $415,000 shy. There are perks for contributing your cash, such as having your face placed in the game ($2K), lunch and pickup hoops at Shaq's house ($15K) and the reward de resistance: sitting in on a taping of the TNT studio show with everyone's favorite, fun-loving foursome*.
Shaq swears, by not swearing, that "this time we won't fu it up." His promise remind us of an ancient Chinese proverb: Fu us once, Shaq, shame on you; fu us twice, shame on us.
*one prize we know will remain unclaimed is courtside seats to a Kings game. $3K should get you a roster spot.
Friday, September 7, 2012
A Small Dos of Shaq
We're not sure if the association has a retired players foreign exchange program, but not long after Eduardo Najera, the first Mexican-born player to be drafted, was named the coach and part-owner of the D-League's Texas Legends, it's being reported that Shaq is in discussions to suit up South of the Border. ¡Que coincidencia! Fuerza Regia has invited the Shaqtus to be indigenous to the Monterrey area, for a two-game stint in October.
The club has signed side-shows before, such as Dennis Rodman, which makes sense, since "The Worm" has found the worm at the bottle of a few tequila bottles and because he's the closest approximation to a luchador that the NBA has had, plus players who are sort-of stars, in that their names contain connections to constellations: Jamario Moon and 7'9" Sun Ming Ming. We encourage the gringo to go; say si and see the country. For instance, after you've flattened a few flaco foes like tortillas, treat yourself to a trip to Shaqapulco.
The club has signed side-shows before, such as Dennis Rodman, which makes sense, since "The Worm" has found the worm at the bottle of a few tequila bottles and because he's the closest approximation to a luchador that the NBA has had, plus players who are sort-of stars, in that their names contain connections to constellations: Jamario Moon and 7'9" Sun Ming Ming. We encourage the gringo to go; say si and see the country. For instance, after you've flattened a few flaco foes like tortillas, treat yourself to a trip to Shaqapulco.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Thunder Clothes It Out
The Spurs calamitous collapse, capped by blowing a 15-point halftime lead last night, was ugly. Russell Westbrook's wardrobe ugly. Despite being down 0-2, the Thunder didn't panic; they kept their shirt on, which was the composed and correct choice, except when it comes to what Westbrook wears in the post-game press conferences. In the end, the Thunder demolished the Spurs in the same manner that Shaq destroyed a Charles Barkley pinata : thoroughly, unexpectedly, live and bare-handed*. Heck, the Thunder are so young, they probably celebrated with candy afterwards. They showed they have the stuff(ing) champions are made of.
The Heat's coach will employ a new Spoelstrategy of playing Chris Bosh instead of not doing so. Bosh logged 14 productive minutes in his first game back from injury, tallying 9 points and 7 rebounds, but remained on the bench throughout the fourth quarter. With rumors that all members of the team other than LeBron will be on the trading block should the Heat fail to reach the finals, Spoelstra should use him before he loses him. To use Spoelstra's word, it might not be "fair" to expect big things from Bosh in big moments yet, but for two seasons the expectations haven't been fair for the anyone on the Heat. Bottom line: Don't quash Bosh.
*Thankfully without the face-biting and throat-tearing.
The Heat's coach will employ a new Spoelstrategy of playing Chris Bosh instead of not doing so. Bosh logged 14 productive minutes in his first game back from injury, tallying 9 points and 7 rebounds, but remained on the bench throughout the fourth quarter. With rumors that all members of the team other than LeBron will be on the trading block should the Heat fail to reach the finals, Spoelstra should use him before he loses him. To use Spoelstra's word, it might not be "fair" to expect big things from Bosh in big moments yet, but for two seasons the expectations haven't been fair for the anyone on the Heat. Bottom line: Don't quash Bosh.
*Thankfully without the face-biting and throat-tearing.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Degree of Difficulty
No offense to The Big Aristotle, but nothing makes us feel intellectually inferior quite like knowing that Shaq has a Ph.D. He made the successful transition from "What's Up Doc?" to doctorate (in Leadership and Education) that, discouragingly, Fu-Schnickens has yet to accomplish. He earned his diploma from Barry University, which we assume is an institution for ex-hoopsters run by Rick Barry (or, since the school is near Miami, Dave Barry). By graduation, Shaq holds the distinction of being one of a select group of people to break both backboards to mortarboards.
Chris Webber has done well in the booth as a color analyst - he seems more in his element than in the studio where he was muted by the bigger, more established personalities - but there's one word he overuses. Here's a fun game to play the next time he's on air: Every time Webber says "definitely," take a shot of alcohol*. You'll definitely be drunk by the end of the broadcast.
Dan Le Batard might've tapped into the bowels of his brain when he described the Heat's offense without Chris Bosh as "constipated." We guess he's saying Bosh makes the team go. Our solution if the struggles continue: replace the Gatorade with prune juice.
*Something stronger than Smirnoff Ice, you sissy.
Chris Webber has done well in the booth as a color analyst - he seems more in his element than in the studio where he was muted by the bigger, more established personalities - but there's one word he overuses. Here's a fun game to play the next time he's on air: Every time Webber says "definitely," take a shot of alcohol*. You'll definitely be drunk by the end of the broadcast.
Dan Le Batard might've tapped into the bowels of his brain when he described the Heat's offense without Chris Bosh as "constipated." We guess he's saying Bosh makes the team go. Our solution if the struggles continue: replace the Gatorade with prune juice.
*Something stronger than Smirnoff Ice, you sissy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Back and Fourth
While the last quartet of teams was being determined in college basketball on Sunday, a far more fascinating "Final Four" was taking place: a quadruple overtime game between Utah and Atlanta, the first since 1997 and just the ninth such contest in league history. The Hawks went on to win 139-133, despite this being the team's third game in three nights, snapping the Jazz's string of six straight victories. 233 shots were attempted, a symmetrical seven players on each squad scored in double figures and the teams combined for only 21 turnovers. Here are four other standout moments from the shortened but significant season, in the order they occured:
1. February 6: Kobe Bryant moves into fifth on the NBA's all-time scoring supplanting former ally and adversary Shaq. The Big Studio Analyst was complimentary, declaring Kobe, "the greatest Laker ever." Asked if there was special significance in superseding Shaq, Kobe says, "No. It was inevitable."* As certain as him taking the last shot in a close game, as assured as the Lakers overtaking the Clippers in the standings, as pre-determined as Mike Brown being blamed for the squad's shortcomings.
2. February 7: Paul Pierce passes Larry Bird to move into second place on the Celtics scoring list, with 21,797 points, in an otherwise meaningless game against the Bobcats. Bostonians have a hard time accepting "The Truth" that Larry Legend has been lowered a level and contemplate carrying out the plot of Celtic Pride as a solution to their problem.
3. February 19: Two-time league scoring leader Kevin Durant hits the half-century mark in game, piling up a career-high 51 points. Russell Westbrook, trailing closely, nets 41, and Serge Ibaka tallies his first-ever triple-double, with 14 points, 15 rebounds and 11 blocks. It's the third time Ibaka has recorded 10 or more blocks this season, making Mt. Mutombo shrink to the size of a hill. The man erases more than a no. 2 pencil of a sloppy student.
4. March 14: Rajon Rondo registers his second triple-double in three games (and fourth of the season), with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-best 17 rebounds for his 17th overall triple-double. The last player to have 17 or more points, plus dimes and boards, in a game was Magic Johnson in 1989. Inspired by a scene in Good Will Hunting, Rondo presses the stat sheet against the window of GM Danny Ainge's office, shouting, "I got these numbers. How do you like them apples?" Then, he proceeds to make love to Minnie Driver
*His drive is almost as impressive as what he drives.
1. February 6: Kobe Bryant moves into fifth on the NBA's all-time scoring supplanting former ally and adversary Shaq. The Big Studio Analyst was complimentary, declaring Kobe, "the greatest Laker ever." Asked if there was special significance in superseding Shaq, Kobe says, "No. It was inevitable."* As certain as him taking the last shot in a close game, as assured as the Lakers overtaking the Clippers in the standings, as pre-determined as Mike Brown being blamed for the squad's shortcomings.
2. February 7: Paul Pierce passes Larry Bird to move into second place on the Celtics scoring list, with 21,797 points, in an otherwise meaningless game against the Bobcats. Bostonians have a hard time accepting "The Truth" that Larry Legend has been lowered a level and contemplate carrying out the plot of Celtic Pride as a solution to their problem.
3. February 19: Two-time league scoring leader Kevin Durant hits the half-century mark in game, piling up a career-high 51 points. Russell Westbrook, trailing closely, nets 41, and Serge Ibaka tallies his first-ever triple-double, with 14 points, 15 rebounds and 11 blocks. It's the third time Ibaka has recorded 10 or more blocks this season, making Mt. Mutombo shrink to the size of a hill. The man erases more than a no. 2 pencil of a sloppy student.
4. March 14: Rajon Rondo registers his second triple-double in three games (and fourth of the season), with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-best 17 rebounds for his 17th overall triple-double. The last player to have 17 or more points, plus dimes and boards, in a game was Magic Johnson in 1989. Inspired by a scene in Good Will Hunting, Rondo presses the stat sheet against the window of GM Danny Ainge's office, shouting, "I got these numbers. How do you like them apples?" Then, he proceeds to make love to Minnie Driver
*His drive is almost as impressive as what he drives.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Digging a (Doughnut) Hole to China
LeBron James wasn't interested in dunking in the recent All-Star event, but it seems Dunkin' is interested in him. In what we're calling "The Doughcision," Dunkin' Donuts has signed LeBron to an endorsement contract to promote its products in Asia, specifically China, where the company currently operates 150 stores and plans to open approximately 100 more within the next three years, on top of the 5,400 locations throughout the continent, generating some serious cha-ching in Beijing and beyond. LeBron's duties will include appearing in stores; for an entrance maybe he can toss powdered sugar in the air, instead of his usual talcum powder. He won't just declare eclairs delicious because the menu varies by region and pork doughnuts are among the choices in China - why not introduce this item in the U.S., where people are prone to pig out? We can't help but be jealous that all Americans have is jelly and the doughnut burger - aka the only reason to ever attend a minor league baseball game.
If Krispy Kreme is considering countering, we recommend recruiting Jeremy Lin to sell sweets stateside, since he's the only thing hotter than a glazed doughnut fresh off the assembly line (and Krispy Kreme can advise him on the dangers of getting too big, too fast). The more obvious choice to us - at least based on appellation and applying the Radio Shack enlisting Shaq as a spokesman method - would've been Tim Duncan, but maybe he can reach a deal with Tim Horton's. After all, Canadians need their crullers, too*.
*Bonus points for being pitched by a mild-mannered man. Our neighbors to the north like both their personalities and pastries plain.
If Krispy Kreme is considering countering, we recommend recruiting Jeremy Lin to sell sweets stateside, since he's the only thing hotter than a glazed doughnut fresh off the assembly line (and Krispy Kreme can advise him on the dangers of getting too big, too fast). The more obvious choice to us - at least based on appellation and applying the Radio Shack enlisting Shaq as a spokesman method - would've been Tim Duncan, but maybe he can reach a deal with Tim Horton's. After all, Canadians need their crullers, too*.
*Bonus points for being pitched by a mild-mannered man. Our neighbors to the north like both their personalities and pastries plain.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Waiting for an Linvitation
There is a glaring omission from Rising Stars Challenge (formerly known as the Rookie-Sophomore game) on February 24, which pits first and second-year players against each other: Five-game phenom Jeremy Lin. He's an overnight sensation, but he can not - and should not - be overlooked, when the NBA's best convene in Orlando in 11 days. The league must find a way to Linclude him.
Celebrity coaches Shaq and Charles Barkley, never shy about sharing their opinions, need to lobby on Lin's behalf. As does his Knicks teammate and participant (and study buddy) Landry Fields. No one will tune in to see Tiago Splitter or Gordon Hayward, to name two of the second-year players selected, but fans would watch to see Lin square off against John Wall again or Ricky Rubio for a second time or take on rookie of the year front-runner Kyrie Irving. What fan wouldn't be excited by the prospect of Lin lobbing to Blake Griffin? And with Griffin wavering on whether he'll defend his dunk title, the NBA could use another player people passionately pay attention to.
Lin doesn't just prompt fans to rise from their seats, he fills seats, too. He helped sell out a T-Wolves game on the road, giving Minnesota its largest crowd since 2004, so the stands in Orlando would likely be at capacity for a secondary contest. Lin has scored more points in his first four starts than an player since the NBA-ABA merger in 1976. The league must find a way to Lincorporate him in the All-Star Weekend festivities. We don't want to see him on camera, we want to see him on the court If it's asking too much to place him in a game in which the participants have already been determined, at least Linsert him into the Skills Challenge competition. Maybe we've gone Linsane in the membrane, but we'd watch him criss-cross dribble through cones and bounce pass into buckets and be curious to compare how well he does it with Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook.
Adding Lin doesn't even have to come at the expense of removing another player from the Rising Stars roster; make an exception for a player who lately has been as exceptional as anyone in the league. David Stern, extend an invite, we Linsist.
Celebrity coaches Shaq and Charles Barkley, never shy about sharing their opinions, need to lobby on Lin's behalf. As does his Knicks teammate and participant (and study buddy) Landry Fields. No one will tune in to see Tiago Splitter or Gordon Hayward, to name two of the second-year players selected, but fans would watch to see Lin square off against John Wall again or Ricky Rubio for a second time or take on rookie of the year front-runner Kyrie Irving. What fan wouldn't be excited by the prospect of Lin lobbing to Blake Griffin? And with Griffin wavering on whether he'll defend his dunk title, the NBA could use another player people passionately pay attention to.
Lin doesn't just prompt fans to rise from their seats, he fills seats, too. He helped sell out a T-Wolves game on the road, giving Minnesota its largest crowd since 2004, so the stands in Orlando would likely be at capacity for a secondary contest. Lin has scored more points in his first four starts than an player since the NBA-ABA merger in 1976. The league must find a way to Lincorporate him in the All-Star Weekend festivities. We don't want to see him on camera, we want to see him on the court If it's asking too much to place him in a game in which the participants have already been determined, at least Linsert him into the Skills Challenge competition. Maybe we've gone Linsane in the membrane, but we'd watch him criss-cross dribble through cones and bounce pass into buckets and be curious to compare how well he does it with Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook.
Adding Lin doesn't even have to come at the expense of removing another player from the Rising Stars roster; make an exception for a player who lately has been as exceptional as anyone in the league. David Stern, extend an invite, we Linsist.
Monday, August 8, 2011
No Game Hunter
In a discouraging divination, players association executive director Billy Hunter doesn't foresee a 2011-12 season taking place, saying the squabbling sides are "$800 million apart per year," a Shaq-sized gap (maybe in his retirement, the conciliatory center can remake himself as "The Big Arbiter"). Hunter blames obstinate new owners, who he alleges are holding David Stern's "feet to the fire." Make no mistake, if an entire season is lost, the flames from this fire will spread far and wide, burning all bodies involved -- be they owners, players, union reps or the commissioner. We want to follow the Trailblazers, not follow the trail of a destructive blaze. Both sides have thrown kindling into this bonfire of the greedy*.
Unlike during the NFL's work stoppage, players' testiness hasn't manifested itself in truculent Tweets (unless Gilbert Arenas dissing his dates counts), but they have become belligerent while balling. Matt Barnes punched a player in a pickup game (and wasn't ejected), while Michael Beasley took temper troubles to another level by shoving a spectator. In separate youth camps they conduct, footage surfaced of LeBron James forcefully throwing down on a teen, while Dwyane Wade was spotted blocking layup attempts of kids several feet shorter than him, compelling us to pose the question: Are these guys teaching or terrorizing those tykes? We're not sure what Ron Artest is up to at the moment, but there could be money to be made by the mental health advocate in founding a counseling camp for his peers. Right now, locked-out players lashing out against those around them appears to be all the rage.
* or the electric gatorade acid test, for you Tom Wolfe fans
Unlike during the NFL's work stoppage, players' testiness hasn't manifested itself in truculent Tweets (unless Gilbert Arenas dissing his dates counts), but they have become belligerent while balling. Matt Barnes punched a player in a pickup game (and wasn't ejected), while Michael Beasley took temper troubles to another level by shoving a spectator. In separate youth camps they conduct, footage surfaced of LeBron James forcefully throwing down on a teen, while Dwyane Wade was spotted blocking layup attempts of kids several feet shorter than him, compelling us to pose the question: Are these guys teaching or terrorizing those tykes? We're not sure what Ron Artest is up to at the moment, but there could be money to be made by the mental health advocate in founding a counseling camp for his peers. Right now, locked-out players lashing out against those around them appears to be all the rage.
* or the electric gatorade acid test, for you Tom Wolfe fans
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