Constellation Prize

What do you buy a man who can afford almost anything? If you're scholarly Shane Battier, brainstorming ideas for the Miami Heat's Secret Santa exchange, the answer is obvious: a telescope*. That's the present Battier gave Chris Bosh. Other items received by players included wine, a painting and designer luggage, so Bosh might not be over the moon about his haul. We're sure Bosh will find space for it in the back of a closet (or, if he likes it, his observatory^).

Of course, if Bosh wants to see stars, he should look on the court, not up at the cosmos. When we think about it, a telescope is probably a better bounty for LeBron; he can use the device to stare at Saturn, looking longingly at all its rings.

*because a rock tumbler would be tacky.
^ perhaps his new hobby will lead to a friendship with fellow hoopster and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson Chandler.

Heatseekers

The search for Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh can be called off. They were found - or, more accurately, they found themselves - in San Antonio last night, at approximately 8 p.m. central time, and it wasn't a moment too soon. The Heat's backs weren't against the wall, but they were inches away from it. Erik Spoelstra started a smaller lineup, but it was the "Big Three" who made a big difference, putting up Brobdingnagian numbers. Wade surpassed and Bosh equaled their highs in points this postseason, scoring 32 and 20, respectively. Bosh went after the boards, with 13, while Wade went after the ball, stealing it six times. He was a bandit among the band of brothers.

LeBron James too, regained his form, like superstar Silly Putty. James came to the game dressed in camouflage, but his contributions couldn't have been more conspicuous: 33 points and 11 rebounds. Critics who feasted on James, like a Wendy's worker at a milkshake machine, for faltering in the Finals are full of it (and we don't mean Frostys). When James, Wade and Bosh all play this purposefully, they are a tri-force.

Birthday Pinch

No one was on watch when Chris Bosh left his house last week; consequently, someone left with his watches. Bosh was out attending his 29th birthday bash - which involved live camels*, belly dancers and fire eaters (no word whether the third entertainer was actually Chris Andersen taking a tiki torch to his tongue) - when his place was plundered. A dozen timepieces, worth an estimated $300K, were taken. That's enough to send someone into G-Shock.

In total, approximately $479,000 worth of jewelry, handbags and cash were stolen from his closet, although Bosh's championship ring was spared. There were people in the abode at the time, two babysitters caring for Bosh's children, so the alarms weren't activated. This, in addition to no indications of forced entry and how the contents were carefully combed through, leads law enforcement to suspect it was an inside job. The thief made it seem simple: Walk in to the walk-in, then walk out.

All told, it wasn't a happy birthday for Bosh, unless he was given about a half-million dollars worth of presents at his party. If so, he'd have at least broken even after the break-in.

*and here we thought the Heat had gotten over the hump already.

Heat Shake Up the League

The only thing growing at Madison Square Garden lately has been the competition's confidence. Stephen Curry, the singular All-Star snub, was as hot as a SoHo sidewalk in summer Wednesday en route to a career and year-high for The Association 54 points, including what we call a bilking baker's dozen of threes (that's 11), but no has been hotter than LeBron James and his Heat. Miami tied a franchise-best 14-game winning streak, the second-longest by a team this season - behind the Clippers 17-0 December to remember - after trailing by 14 at halftime, avenging two 20-point losses to the Knicks, who up until Sunday had the Heat's number. Yesterday, both James and Dwyane Wade - with his Lebron-like line of 20 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists* - did a number on the Knicks.

Following a foul in the third quarter, James landed limply on his leg, but by the finish of the fourth frame, it was the Knicks who had fallen flaccidly. The Heat aren't just making Harlem shake, they're triggering teams to tremble, too. Miami has big plans to repeat - Bosh's boombox big.

*and he did it with his "bear" hands.

Thunder Clothes It Out

The Spurs calamitous collapse, capped by blowing a 15-point halftime lead last night, was ugly. Russell Westbrook's wardrobe ugly. Despite being down 0-2, the Thunder didn't panic; they kept their shirt on, which was the composed and correct choice, except when it comes to what Westbrook wears in the post-game press conferences. In the end, the Thunder demolished the Spurs in the same manner that Shaq destroyed a Charles Barkley pinata : thoroughly, unexpectedly, live and bare-handed*. Heck, the Thunder are so young, they probably celebrated with candy afterwards. They showed they have the stuff(ing) champions are made of.

The Heat's coach will employ a new Spoelstrategy of playing Chris Bosh instead of not doing so. Bosh logged 14 productive minutes in his first game back from injury, tallying 9 points and 7 rebounds, but remained on the bench throughout the fourth quarter. With rumors that all members of the team other than LeBron will be on the trading block should the Heat fail to reach the finals, Spoelstra should use him before he loses him. To use Spoelstra's word, it might not be "fair" to expect big things from Bosh in big moments yet, but for two seasons the expectations haven't been fair for the anyone on the Heat. Bottom line: Don't quash Bosh.

*Thankfully without the face-biting and throat-tearing.

Degree of Difficulty

No offense to The Big Aristotle, but nothing makes us feel intellectually inferior quite like knowing that Shaq has a Ph.D. He made the successful transition from "What's Up Doc?" to doctorate (in Leadership and Education) that, discouragingly, Fu-Schnickens has yet to accomplish. He earned his diploma from Barry University, which we assume is an institution for ex-hoopsters run by Rick Barry (or, since the school is near Miami, Dave Barry). By graduation, Shaq holds the distinction of being one of a select group of people to break both backboards to mortarboards.

Chris Webber has done well in the booth as a color analyst - he seems more in his element than in the studio where he was muted by the bigger, more established personalities - but there's one word he overuses. Here's a fun game to play the next time he's on air: Every time Webber says "definitely," take a shot of alcohol*. You'll definitely be drunk by the end of the broadcast.

Dan Le Batard might've tapped into the bowels of his brain when he described the Heat's offense without Chris Bosh as "constipated." We guess he's saying Bosh makes the team go. Our solution if the struggles continue: replace the Gatorade with prune juice.

*Something stronger than Smirnoff Ice, you sissy.