Home, Sweets Home

In northeast Ohio, nothing is given - except complimentary cupcakes. Residents of Bath Township, Ohio may not know the muffin man, but they do know the cupcake man: it's LeBron James. On Tuesday, as an apology for the inconvenience caused by the parade of people and press who flocked to his home pre- and post-Cleveland comeback, he sent 70 dozen of the treats, 840 total, along with a nice note (presumably not dictated to Lee Jenkins) to neighbors - including five dozen to the local police (because having donuts delivered would've been pandering to the po-po).

The decision to bake was an E-Z one. However, the flavor names were a mouthful: Just a Kid From Akron Cherry Cola (strange, shouldn't his soda selection be Sprite?) and Homecourt Chocolate Chunk. Apparently, only thing in that area as rich as James are the desserts he distributes.

LeBron returning to his roots was what Ohioans wanted, this is just icing on the cupcake. He definitely earned brownie points with his neighbors. Perhaps he should ship Kevin Love some eclairs to let him know he cares.*

*with the enclosed card reading: "It would be a cream come true / to play alongside you."

Homecoming King

It's appropriate that LeBron James was in Las Vegas at the beginning of last week for his youth camp because on Friday he took a gamble on his future and elected to join a group of youngsters. Who says you can't go home? Not Jon Bon Jovi and not LeBron James. He opted to return to Cleveland, thus rebuilding a bridge in a city where, coincidentally, one was simultaneously being detonated. James had a burning desire to come back, which is not to be confused with Cavs crazies burning desire to light his jersey on fire four years ago. Now, those fickle fans are flocking to their former flame.

James went the Richard Sherman/Michael Sam route and wrote an essay (not a letter, mind you) for Sports Illustrated, so the only scoop his ESPN shadow Brian Windhorst got was ice cream (from the looks of him, it was a double). The prodigal son, who was being cursed in the city as a different sort of son mere days ago, channeled his inner Pope Francis: "Who am I to hold a grudge?," he asked. All is forgiven and Dan Gilbert's gall is forgiven. He hung Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh out to dry in Miami like a two-piece bathing suit, yet they've defended him more thoroughly than they did any Spur in the Finals. Everyone has been understanding, yet we have a hard time understanding his dumbfounding decision. He may be more comfortable at home, but LeBron had better get comfortable with losing.

How many championships will he win in Cleveland? Not one, not two...not any is a possible answer. And he'll have to answer for that. Maybe not in Cleveland*, but everywhere else. In this evermore global game it's not enough to be a local legend. He may only have eyes for Ohio, but the world is watching (as cornea as that sounds). All pupils will be focused on how well James trains his.

*whose cranky citizens have to quit complaining about the sorry state of theirs sports, since they now have Johnny Football and LeBronny Basketball.

King's Dominion

Update: LeBron has climbed in the Cleveland coaster car, lowered the head rest and locked the lap bar. He didn't take his hometown for a ride, after all, although Miami must feel nauseous (hope the Heat have barf bags on hand).

You must be at least 48" tall to ride most of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, but the height requirement to have one named after you is 80". The theme park in Sandusky, Ohio has promised to rename a ride "King James" after LeBron, provided he makes tracks back to Cleveland. With every day he delays The Decision (Over)Deux, the movement is gaining momentum; now, it's added centripetal force.

LeBron has thrown everyone for a loop by considering the Cavaliers, so it's fitting for a local business to return the favor by throwing patrons for a few loops in his honor. Lest we forget, he took the franchise to dizzying heights.

The amusement park boasts 15 coasters, including, interestingly enough, ones called Maverick and Raptor, two teams who'd be at the back of LeBron's line (they'd probably have to wait in the parking lot because they can't afford the cost of admission). Should James choose to come back to the Cavs, we hope his second go-round with them is a merry one. Even if the offer doesn't work, at least Cedar Point can say they gave it a (tilt-a-)whirl.

Ultrasound Bite

Many were expecting LeBron to deliver another championship, now his spouse is expecting to deliver a baby. There won't be time to brood over the blowouts because his brood is broadening. Pat Riley divulged Thursday - breaking the news, but not her water - that James' wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl.

The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.

*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position

A Fluids Situation

Trainers had to haul LeBron from the floor in Game 1; his teammates should've carried him off the court in celebration following his fantastic Game 2. Immobile on Thursday, he was back to being invulnerable Sunday, demonstrating that the person most capable of stopping James, short of a sneaky San Antonio-area HVAC repairman, is himself. This time, LeBron's lower body didn't lock up on him and no opponent locked down on him, either.

James played five more minutes in this contest and scored 10 additional points, finishing with 35 and, more importantly, finishing the game. He attended a yoga class 12 hours before tip-off and perhaps that extra stretching allowed him to be available down(ward dog) the stretch.

Subject to second-guessing on social media over his conditioning* and hydration habits (a certain lightning-bolted beverage didn't hurry to his ade^), James argued he's an easy target (and he does get needled as much as an acupuncture patient), yet he was on target last night, accurate on 72% of his attempts through the final three quarters. Still, LeBron has lots of defenders. Now, the Spurs need to find one who plays for them.

*better to have a calves controversy than a Cavs one

^it was a Riptide Rush to judgement

A Four Quarter Pounder

LeBron James is endorsing a new burger for McDonald's*, the bacon clubhouse. We wonder what the players in his clubhouse think about him hawking a hamburger. Are they lovin' or loathin' it? Is Birdman hopeful he can ink a deal with Red Robin? Do Wade and Bosh feel less special (sauce) now that they're no longer part of The Big (Mac) Three? LeBron should keep in mind that Five Guys aren't needed to build a burger, but they are to build a basketball team.

Sleek Mills: One man who want be mulling over the menu at Mickey D's is Patty Mills. According to Gregg Popovich, Mills gained playing time by losing weight. The guard wasn't in for as many minutes last season because coach carped, "he was a little fat ass." How'd he part with those pounds? All it took was fewer patty melts.

A mute point: In contrast to being criticized by his coach, Chris Kaman hasn't heard a discouraging word from Mike D'Antoni - or any words, for that matter. Three weeks have elapsed since the two talked, Kaman confessed to the press. So a hush has fallen over more than the crowd at Staples Center. In fact, Kaman learned he was starting last Tuesday by looking at the lineup card. "I'm not in charge, I don't control the wheels," Kaman conceded. This season has shown that the wheels on the Jim Buss go 'round and 'round, but they're stuck in the same spot. At least that's our spin on the situation.

*it's how he pays for his mcmansion

LeBron's Gone Soft (Drink)

LeBron James is always in the limelight, but he's about be in the lemon-limelight. James worked with sponsor Sprite to concoct a carbonation creation called 6Mix*, which adds cherry and orange fruit flavors to the regular recipe. No word on whether the King employed a royal taster in the production process or if the soda will be sold in Cleveland (although, in anticipation, we've crafted a cocktail Dan Gilbert is guaranteed to gulp: James' 6Mix + Jameson. We call it a Whiskey Sourpuss.).

6Mix will only be available for a limited time, so don't expect James to become the King of Pop. Unless shoppers buy the beverage in bulk, meaning: not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven...bottles at a time.

We think LeBron should debut the drink in the locker room; perhaps the product will prevent the Heat, who have lost six of their last ten games, from fizzling out as the season's end approaches. In order to succeed, neither the Heat nor 6Mix can come out flat.

*that ought to shake up 7Up

Stand Back, He's Going to Hurl

Tracy McGrady is attempting a second sports career as a pitcher. That's right, T-Mac has taken up T-Ball, trying out for the Sugar Land Skeeters (who put the 'fly in "fly ball"), an independent team in Texas. Roger Clemens is instructing him*, so that means "The Rocket" is teaching the former Rocket. McGrady is working on a second pitch, so in time he could have the best splitter not named Tiago. In his quest to become a baseball player, we hope McGrady doesn't strike out - except, of course, the batters he faces.

Nobody Loves Raymond: Raymond Felton turned himself in to police last week for owning an unregistered gun, which was brought to the attention of authorities by Felton's wife, who recently filed for divorce. There was no fear of him firing the weapon, since it's common knowledge that Felton, who's making only 40.3% of his field goals this season, can't shoot. When Felton posted bond, it marked the first time this season a player other than Carmelo Anthony bailed the Knicks out.

Tanks for the memories: The 76ers, who should be sponsored by Subway, since they didn't earn "FebruANY" wins in a short month that felt so (foot)long (the march to misery continues in March, as the losing streak extends to 15 games), retired Allen Iverson's #3 jersey Saturday. On a squad searching for answers, at least they can look up in the rafters and see one.

Masking the smell of victory: LeBron James' personal and franchise best 61 points against the Bobcats Monday scent sent a message to Kevin Durant that the MVP race is far from the finish line and reminded us that records, not noses, are meant to be broken.

The Grateful Dead-Eye: Marksman Kyle Korver's all-time mark of 127 consecutive games with a made three-pointer ended last night, as he went 0-5 from beyond the arc for not-so-hotlanta, who fell by 24. Korver knocked down 337 treys during the stretch, meaning his threes have company. Hopefully, when the season is over, he'll have time to reflect on what a long, strange triple it's been.

*providing such useful tips as what order to take the cream and the clear in.

Monstars Ball

To channel Chuck Klosterman for a sentence, two forms of entertainment based on basketball crossed over as unforgettably as Iverson on Jordan in the 1990s, into the pop cultural consciousness, our affinity and allowance allotted to each equally: NBA Jam and Space Jam*. The former returned in 2010, while the latter is reportedly in the works as of February, with LeBron James assuming the lead Michael Jordan held in the 1996 family-friendly feature film.

Here are our suggested subtitles for the sequel:
Space Jam 2: Jam Harder
Space Jam 2: Back in the Rabbit
Space Jam 2: Nerdlucks in Paradise
Space Jam 2: Crews Control
Space Jam 2: The Legend of Daffy's Gold
Space Jam 2: Electric Bugsaloo

Although Warner Bros. has announced the movie's development, sources close to James aren't confirming that he has been cast or even contacted by the studio (Michael B. Jordan is available), so we'll have to stay tooned for further information. If LeBron rejects the role, there's spot for him on Moron Mountain.

*what you thought we would mention Barkley Shut Up and Jam! and My Giant?

Go Tell It On the Mountain

When LeBron James peaks, it's exciting; when he speaks about peaks, it's egomaniacal. In an interview that will air next Monday on NBA TV, the non-presidential LBJ said, "I'm going to be one of the top four to play this game", when asked about his made-up 'Mount Rushmore' of roundball. Yes, he's the face of the Association today, but does his mug belong among basketball's best? Let's not Rushmore to judgement.

He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.

Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.

Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.

Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.

Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.

*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday

^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone

Kings of Le(Br)on

DJ LJ is in the house. However, he's not kicking out the jams, so much as picking them out. LeBron James is the "music curator" for the video game NBA 2K14 , slated for release on October 1. LeBron's taste in tunes is eclectic, as the genres range from the rock of The Black Keys and Imagine Dragons, to the rap of Drake and the now punctuation poor Jay Z (he's an agent of change who won't be hiring any hyphens), last year's song selector, to whatever you classify the clatter Coldplay churns out as (looks like the only jazz in the game will be Utah).

We don't know if there are any cover songs, although we do know James is also on the cover (suffice it to say, he's an instrumental part of the game). The playlist sounds promising, still we have one recommendation for roundball's royal ruler: "Down with the King" by Run-D.M.C. Who better to supply the soundtrack for the King than three guys from Queens?

Heatseekers

The search for Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh can be called off. They were found - or, more accurately, they found themselves - in San Antonio last night, at approximately 8 p.m. central time, and it wasn't a moment too soon. The Heat's backs weren't against the wall, but they were inches away from it. Erik Spoelstra started a smaller lineup, but it was the "Big Three" who made a big difference, putting up Brobdingnagian numbers. Wade surpassed and Bosh equaled their highs in points this postseason, scoring 32 and 20, respectively. Bosh went after the boards, with 13, while Wade went after the ball, stealing it six times. He was a bandit among the band of brothers.

LeBron James too, regained his form, like superstar Silly Putty. James came to the game dressed in camouflage, but his contributions couldn't have been more conspicuous: 33 points and 11 rebounds. Critics who feasted on James, like a Wendy's worker at a milkshake machine, for faltering in the Finals are full of it (and we don't mean Frostys). When James, Wade and Bosh all play this purposefully, they are a tri-force.

Split(ter) Ends

For the majority of three quarters, LeBron James hadn't done much of anything. He then proceeded to do a little bit of everything. The Heat went on a ridiculous 33-5 run with three minutes left in the third that covered eight minutes of game time and bridged the third and fourth periods of play. James, who was 2-12 from the field until that point, went 5-5 during that stupendous stretch. Miami started down one, but was ahead by 10 points at the end of three. The lead had grown to 24 when Gregg Popovich pulled his starters with 7:43 remaining. Unlike John Malkovich tending to a Toronto tourist, the Spurs couldn't stop the bleeding.

In the 40 seconds before the Spurs bench was brought in, LeBron assembled a sensational sequence, wherein he made an emphatic, full-palm LeBlock (trademark pending) on Tiago Splitter, whipped a pass soccer throw-in style to Ray Allen in the corner for a three, and snuck free for for a two-handed, strong side slam that he threw down like security at the French Open final subduing a protester. Thanks to a insane interloper at the major tennis tournament, the Spurs weren't the only ones caught off guard Sunday by a sudden flare up.

Miami hasn't dropped back-to-back games since early January. The Spurs will need more out of their trio as the series shifts to San Antonio for a trio of games. The Spurs will live with the split and Splitter will live with the rejection. His teammates have been around the block, so hopefully they'll help the third-year center get over the block.

French Kiss Off the Glass

The bank was open late for Tony Parker - it was after 11:30 pm ET and there were 5.2 seconds remaining in the game - and he made a direct deposit . Parker almost lost his dribble, he definitely lost his balance, but he never lost his composure, as he went under and around LeBron James to launch his shot to give the Spurs a four-point lead that would hold. Parker tallied 10 of his game-high 21 points in the final frame and Tim Duncan shook the rust off from a scoreless first quarter to contribute 20 points to the wobbly win.

The Heat, who wasted a triple-double from LeBron - the 10th postseason one of his career - had as many turnovers in the fourth quarter as they did field goals: 5. That number was more one more than San Antonio committed in the entire game and more than twice as many transgressions as Miami made in the first half.

As a result of Parker gathering himself, the Spurs gathered their seventh straight win and improved to 7-1 on the road in these playoffs. They also advanced to 5-0 in the first game of the Finals. None of those numbers nor the homecourt heist are encouraging to the Heat, due to the 2-3-2 format. That's not to say the Heat are licked liked a stack of Taco Bell shells yet.

Tony Parker stumbled, then recovered. The Heat did the former, but it remains to be seen if they'll do the latter.

The Tim(e) is Now

Nine years and not one, not two, but three championships separate a set of future first ballot Hall of Famers scheduled to square off Thursday in what should be a Finals for the ages - which could also be a Finals for the aged Spurs and their steady, stoic sergeant (yes, we regard him as both an officer and a gentleman). Both stars in the series have been awarded Finals MVP, as well as multiple league MVPs, scaling hoops heights matched by the One World Trade Center. At 28, LeBron James has reached the prime of his career. At 37, Tim Duncan has reached, well, a prime number and - to those who appraise age before ability - is a prime candidate for retirement.

If these are Duncan's golden years, he's been equally Au- and awe-inspiring. It's said Father Time eventually catches all, but he's had difficulty chasing down Duncan (we know which one has run more baseline-to-baseline sprints), who was named to the All-NBA First Team this season for the first time in five years. Duncan, already a Renaissance Man courtesy of a degree from Wake Forest, underwent a roundball Renaissance, recording his highest averages in points and rebounds since 2009-10. Additionally, Duncan's blocks per game were his most dating back to 2004-05. This postseason, he became the first player to ever tally 500 playoff blocks.

Now, Duncan has to come up with his biggest block ever: preventing the game's greatest presently (according to everyone except one bozo at the Boston Globe) from winning a second straight championship. The task will be more challenging than hearing Michael Douglas talk about his theory on what caused his cancer because the window of winning is closing for these Spurs; it's a porthole, compared to a bay one for the Heat. We know Duncan will crash the glass - he might crash through it, too.

Animal Trapping

To motivate himself, Roy Hibbert scrawled the phrase "I'm an animal" on his sneaker. Consider the Miami Heat animal control. Hibbert had a team-high 18 and 8, but it wasn't beastly enough, as Miami caged his cohorts, putting his peers in the pound, to pound the Pacers and capture a third consecutive finals appearance. Chris Bosh, back when he had braids, may have looked like Predator, but LeBron James was the post-season predator, attacking to attempt 16 free throws, amass 32 points and maintain his hold on the record for scoring average in playoff game sevens of 33.8 PPG.

The other word Hibbert wrote was "focus." Ironically, the Pacers lacked it. 15 turnovers led to a 15-point halftime deficit. Indiana finished with ten more turnovers than Miami. David West's respiratory infection might explain why he coughed up the ball six times. Things didn't "Come Together" for Paul George, who fouled out with 7 points.

It was up for LeBron James in the second quarter - he hopped so high on an lob from Norris Cole that he had to duck his head to avoid hitting the rim - and then away for the Heat, who outscored the Pacers 33-16. A go-kart - even a souped up one - can only keep up with a formula one car for so long and when the Heat finally hit the gas, they lapped the Pacers with ease.

James left with over five minutes remaining in the game, getting to kick back and being greeted by a celebrity in the crowd who knows something about kicking, David Beckham, on his way to the bench. Flo Rida was also in attendance and perhaps his presence got Wade back in the flow. Wade finished with 21 points and 9 rebounds, including 6 on the offensive end, a flashback to the "Flash" of old.

Attempt to DestROY

Roy Hibbert isn't feeling the heat of being in the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time; instead, the Heat are feeling him. In this series, Hibbert has broken out like pimples on a pre-teen. In five of the six games, he's scored 20 or more points and shot 50 percent or greater from the floor. He's doubled his scoring average from the regular season and his 29 points in game 2 topped his high from this year. Hibbert has been inflating like a 7'2" inner tube and if Miami doesn't contrive a way to constrict him tonight in game 7, they'll be the ones lounging poolside.

We'll give it to you straight, since that's how Hibbert likes it - he and the Pacers have reduced the Heat's "Big Three" to LeBron and a tiny two. Consequently, James' supporting cast has collapsed like a garment factory in Pakistan. Ray Allen can't hit a shot (13-46 on field goals) or even a free throw. Shane Battier is missing jumpers and Chris Bosh is just plain missing: 19 points and 12 rebounds total in the last three games, which means his mug should make milk cartons in Miami. Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade is getting touchy about his amount of touches. Games three through six have been nightmares for him not induced by Kevin Durant, nor endorsed by Gatorade in those always-airing ads*.

Hibbert has had help. Paul George, who we like to call one-half of the Beatles, has blossomed into a bonafide (Ringo) star(r). With almost identical back-to-back performances, he's piloting the "Yellow Submarine" that has nearly torpedoed the Heat. It's no wonder James slapped Paul's hand at half court after the pair traded tough baskets during game 2. However, that gesture doesn't mean James is willing hand the series over; he's respectful and relentless. After all, a King is not easily overthrown.

*could Wade's struggles be linked to a buildup of brominated vegetable oil in his system? Bromine is a flame retardant.

No Withholds Barred

Sunday night's battle between the Eastern and Western Conference's cream of the crop was supposed to be about who was playing. It turned out to be about who wasn't. LeBron James and Dwyane Wade were given the game off versus the Spurs and if something seems off about that, recall that on November 19, San Antonio sat Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobli and Danny Green against Miami. There's no need to scratch your head as to why they were scratched from the lineup; the move was retaliatory. The Spurs were fined $250K, which is a lot of scratch, as the league established a "No Parking" prized players in prime-time precedent. The league has to level similar sanctions in this case. James and Wade were given a break, but Miami can't be.

Officially, LeBron was listed as having a hurt right hamstring and Wade a right ankle injury, but with Rory McIlroy in attendance, Erik Spoelstra might as well have written down "toothache" on the report. Maybe their tummies hurt from eating too much Easter candy*. Or perhaps they got lost during an egg hunt (so much for the buddy system). Whatever the reason given, it's as fake as the plastic grass that lines baskets during the holiday. The day before April 1, the Heat weren't fooling anyone.

*They weren't made available for comment after the contest, so not a peep(s) was heard from them.

The Cleveland Show

The clock was ticking down and his team was down big, 27 points in the third quarter. LeBron James had to channel his inner Jack Bauer and rescue his crew on Wednesday night in order to extend the Heat's consecutive victories streak to 24*. Like Bauer, James methodically more than maliciously tied up his foe and beat them. Make no mistake, it was torturous for Cleveland, already in agony over the absence of the affirmed-out or assumed-out for the season Anderson Varejao, Kyrie Irving and Dion Waters. Thus, the protagonist in Miami remained the antagonist in Cleveland. They thought he had already taken everything. They were wrong. As of 2010, their hometown hero didn't belong to them. As of 2013, their own team's double-digit lead didn't belong to them. Suddenly, it dawned on them (with the exception of Dan Gilbert) that they didn't own LeBron, he owned them.

The start of the game was delayed 35 minutes due to faulty scoreboard. At the conclusion of the contest, the Cavaliers must've thought it was still malfunctioning because in less than nine minutes of game time, LeBron erased Cleveland's lead like he was working on a chalk board. Not even a fan rushing the court - an ignoramus interruptus - could cease James' concentration in the fourth quater, as he compiled 14 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals to tally a triple-double of 25-12-10.

"This was one of the most bizarre, unique days of my life," James reflected. Funny, the crowd in Cleveland feels the same. In fact, this is the second one they've been through. With apologies to Robert Frost, LeBron has championship promises to keep, while the Cavs have C.J. Miles, who missed a three to tie at the end, to go before they sleep.

*Admit it, you hear the "beep, beep, beeeeeeep" sound effect in your head.

Heat Shake Up the League

The only thing growing at Madison Square Garden lately has been the competition's confidence. Stephen Curry, the singular All-Star snub, was as hot as a SoHo sidewalk in summer Wednesday en route to a career and year-high for The Association 54 points, including what we call a bilking baker's dozen of threes (that's 11), but no has been hotter than LeBron James and his Heat. Miami tied a franchise-best 14-game winning streak, the second-longest by a team this season - behind the Clippers 17-0 December to remember - after trailing by 14 at halftime, avenging two 20-point losses to the Knicks, who up until Sunday had the Heat's number. Yesterday, both James and Dwyane Wade - with his Lebron-like line of 20 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists* - did a number on the Knicks.

Following a foul in the third quarter, James landed limply on his leg, but by the finish of the fourth frame, it was the Knicks who had fallen flaccidly. The Heat aren't just making Harlem shake, they're triggering teams to tremble, too. Miami has big plans to repeat - Bosh's boombox big.

*and he did it with his "bear" hands.