Woo Tang Clan

The off-the-court courting has commenced. The delegates have been deployed to lure LeBron, coax Carmelo and bribe Bosh. The effort exerted by entrenched stars varied. Kobe cut his vacation short, taking a red-eye from the Mediterranean isles* to be present for the Lakers pitch, while Derrick Rose cut his workout short, wiping some sweat out of his eye to say "hello" to 'Melo. LeBron let his agent talk to several teams, including the Cavaliers, while he stayed silent. After all, talk is cheap, but James' services won't be. Get to groveling, Dan Gilbert. Considering his maniacal missive was just removed Monday from the team's website, we'd have some misgivings about returning to never say neverland, even if there is finally comic sans relief (remember, it was sloppy seconds for Mike Brown). Here are our best guesses about what will happen as we play the game of Wait Wait...Do Tell Me!

Bosh: The Rockets would move heaven and earth for Bosh - or at least Lin and Asik. If Bosh is going to be a third banana, which he still would when paired with Howard and Harden, the better bunch is in Miami, so there's no reason to, ahem, split. He'll remain on the Heat's Dole, not until the ripe old age Dwayne Wade will, though^.

Anthony: His spouse seems runs his house and she goes by La La, so we won't rule out a move to L.A. Anthony. His coach and GM have a combined 16 rings and the $33 mill. extra he'd make with the Knicks buys his wife enough jewelry to be called "Kay."

James: Pat Riley is scheduled to sit down with James today and we're sure his presentation will be as slick as his hair (true, LeBron has the power, but Riley has the PowerPoint). If LeBron took his talents to a third town or his native non-shores of Ohio, he'd leave more Miamians twisting in the wind than a hurricane. As it is, he's making us sweat like Dan Le Batard in a sauna. We think none of the three amigos goes. They have four Finals appearances in as many years and two titles. Why mess with success, especially to for the mess in Cleveland? A family doesn't break up over dollars (even if Dwyane Wade accepts a salary so scant that he might have to shop at Family Dollar). The lesson for LeBron is: you can't bond as a vagabond. Besides, him becoming a nomad would make almost everyone mad.

*ironic that his odyssey involved leaving Greece
^his banana phone isn't ringing

Degree of Difficulty

No offense to The Big Aristotle, but nothing makes us feel intellectually inferior quite like knowing that Shaq has a Ph.D. He made the successful transition from "What's Up Doc?" to doctorate (in Leadership and Education) that, discouragingly, Fu-Schnickens has yet to accomplish. He earned his diploma from Barry University, which we assume is an institution for ex-hoopsters run by Rick Barry (or, since the school is near Miami, Dave Barry). By graduation, Shaq holds the distinction of being one of a select group of people to break both backboards to mortarboards.

Chris Webber has done well in the booth as a color analyst - he seems more in his element than in the studio where he was muted by the bigger, more established personalities - but there's one word he overuses. Here's a fun game to play the next time he's on air: Every time Webber says "definitely," take a shot of alcohol*. You'll definitely be drunk by the end of the broadcast.

Dan Le Batard might've tapped into the bowels of his brain when he described the Heat's offense without Chris Bosh as "constipated." We guess he's saying Bosh makes the team go. Our solution if the struggles continue: replace the Gatorade with prune juice.

*Something stronger than Smirnoff Ice, you sissy.