A River Walk in the Park

The Thunder are missing their shot blocker, while the Spurs aren't missing shots (averaging 53.8% from the field), thus nothing is blocking the Spurs path to the basket - or the finals. The Thunder have become the Thuner, their 'd' has disappeared in Ibaka's absence. The advice to go inside when you see lightning apparently also applies to when you see Thunder, as the Spurs have put up 66 and 54 points in the paint. Oklahoma City has done nothing to deter San Antonio from long distance, either, as the Spurs have hit nine threes in each game. When that many triples are going in, they won't have trouble reaching triple digits on the scoreboard.

Sans Serge, the Thunder can't survive the Spurs surges. The Thunder lost by more than twice as many points in game 2 as they did in game 1 - and the first contest wasn't close (if this trend continues, the margin will mushroom to 71 Sunday). If the Thunder can't block field goals, they'll at least want to block out these blowouts from their brains. We've watched cats more willing to confront attackers this week. Is it too late for the Thunder to sign Tara*? We'd be feline better about their chances if they did.

His Barkley is worse than his bite: Charles Barkley has never been afraid to weigh-in with his opinion, especially on the weight of women in San Antonio, but the wisecrack is wearing thin. Jokes aren't like buffet lines, you can't go back to them as much as you like. Particularly for someone who remembers pie a la mode as much as the Alamo. Interviewing Danny Green after Game 2 in the arena, he acknowledge the throng's taunts "I just want them to know they suck, too." However, he stopped short of shouting at them to "Shut up and Jam!"

*she's already tried her paw at baseball

Left for Deadline

Inspired by the Oscars, we've been busy working on a film of our own, a historical drama about the 2003 draft, Zero Darko Thirty. Much like the Academy Awards, this year's trade deadline was more stirring to squawk and speculate about than it was to sit through*. The most noteworthy move was the reunion of identical twins Marcus and Markieff Morris, who have almost identical stats this season (8.6 ppg, 4.1 rpg and 7.3 and 4.3, respectively)^. Despite the unending uneducated guesses of ESPN rumor-mongers who identify as reporters, there were no Argo-esque escapes for stars supposedly up for sale. Josh Smith is still a Beast of the Southern Wild, while Dwight Howard remains part of Les Miserables, aka the Lakers. All we know is Mike D'Antoni needs to find his Silver Linings Playbook fast, before an unchained Phil Jackson comes for him like Django.

Happy belated birthday to Charles Barkley, who we're guessing spit out the candles on his cake. We're developing a documentary on the "Round Mound of Rebound": Life of Pie.

Speaking of rebellious rebounders from the '90s, Dennis Rodman is currently in North Korea, along with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, to promote the sport of basketball, by conducting a camp for children and competing in games against the country's best athletes. An abnormal area requires an abnormal ambassador. Rodman might've finally found a nation where insanity is appreciated.

*Sorry, we Shat(ner) all over both events.

^Although it is fun to guess what words poet J.J. Redick (15.1 ppg, 12th in total threes made) has decided rhyme with his new home city, "Milwaukee." Here's some help: thrill jockey, skill hockey and shrill walkie-talkie.

After All-Star

Four things we learned from All-Star weekend, besides that Charles Barkley used to stow Vaseline in his navel ("put the lotion in the bellybutton," we hear him saying, Silence of the Lambs-style):

1. It's a Paul world after all. The State Farm spokesman insured (see what we did there?) that the All-Star game was entertaining by circulating dimes like the Treasury. Paul paired 15 assists with 20 points to guide the West to its third straight win and garner MVP honors. Paul persuaded even Kobe Bryant not to pass up passing, as Bryant hoisted only one more shot (9) than he handed out helpers (8).

2. It was a showcase for two small school standouts. Rookie Damian Lillard, of Weber State (and we thought that school only produced great grills), Crunchwrapped up the Taco Bell Skills Challenge* and played the most minutes of anyone in the Rising Stars Challenge, while chipping in 18 points. Kenneth Faried, a Morehead State alum, poured in 40 points and 10 rebounds in the Team Chuck vs. Team Shaq showdown and when he stopped by the TNT set afterwards, admitted he had never before scored even 30 points in a game. Faried had a flurry of ferocious flushes in the game, more so than he managed in the Dunk Contest, although his energy and enthusiasm were evident in both. This was a chance for the non-nocturnal to appreciate Lillard and Faried in action.

3. There's nothing Kyrie Irving can't do. He was the MVP of the Rising Stars game last season and for his second stint wound up as the second-leading scorer, totaling 32 points. With his deft dribbling, he buckled Brandon Knight, bringing Knight to the floor and the crow to its feet. As if his handle wasn't impressive enough, he handled the competition in the Three-Point contest, despite being a long-shot to triumph against pure shooters such as Steve Novak and Stephen Curry. Irving synchronizes style and substance.

4. The Dunk Contest was a dud. Some delight in disparaging the event every year. We don't and even enjoy the props, but this one was sideways from the start. Firstly, the commentators weren't familiar with the contestants or the format. Even worse, a pair of participants failed to stuff successfully in the second round, bringing back bad memories of Birdman with his wings clipped in 2005. On Saturday night, another nifty nickname was wrecked. James "Flight" White should've stayed in his hangar because he dive-bombed as a rim-hanger. Finally and most unforgivably, Jeremy Evans' artistic touch went unappreciated. Evans, last year's winner, hopped over a covered canvas, which was revealed to be self-portrait of him slamming, then signed it. Somehow, fans brushed aside his brilliant brush strokes and voted for Terence Ross, who leaped over a lad it turns out is the tyke of Twitter's CEO. We smell as conspiracy. And we know just the team to investigate it: The crack CIA crew of Homeland, which is what Charles Barkley advised America on-air to watch instead of the remaining rounds. It makes sense. Since the players weren't putting on a show, viewers might as well put on Showtime.

*We expect payment for our promotion - straight Chalupas, homey.

Thunder Clothes It Out

The Spurs calamitous collapse, capped by blowing a 15-point halftime lead last night, was ugly. Russell Westbrook's wardrobe ugly. Despite being down 0-2, the Thunder didn't panic; they kept their shirt on, which was the composed and correct choice, except when it comes to what Westbrook wears in the post-game press conferences. In the end, the Thunder demolished the Spurs in the same manner that Shaq destroyed a Charles Barkley pinata : thoroughly, unexpectedly, live and bare-handed*. Heck, the Thunder are so young, they probably celebrated with candy afterwards. They showed they have the stuff(ing) champions are made of.

The Heat's coach will employ a new Spoelstrategy of playing Chris Bosh instead of not doing so. Bosh logged 14 productive minutes in his first game back from injury, tallying 9 points and 7 rebounds, but remained on the bench throughout the fourth quarter. With rumors that all members of the team other than LeBron will be on the trading block should the Heat fail to reach the finals, Spoelstra should use him before he loses him. To use Spoelstra's word, it might not be "fair" to expect big things from Bosh in big moments yet, but for two seasons the expectations haven't been fair for the anyone on the Heat. Bottom line: Don't quash Bosh.

*Thankfully without the face-biting and throat-tearing.

Fallin Hard

Charles Barkley was served a steak (along with a side of the only "fries" he wasn't eager to eat) by Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin prior to the game. The Thunder weren't as hospitable to their guests, doubling the score of the Spurs in the second quarter (although at least they didn't encourage/try to trick San Antonio into dining on lamb gonads), in a game that quickly became what we're labeling as a 'Thablowout.' Swiss shooting guard Thabo Sefolosha, prized for his pesky defense, set a personal playoff best with 19 points. Kevin Durant scored 22 points, but Sefolosha stole the show, mostly by stealing the ball a half-dozen times, helping force a flurry of flubs from the sloppy Spurs, 21 turnovers in total.

It turns out Sefolosha wasn't the only man with disruptive hands in Oklahoma City last night. Lil Wayne attempted to enter the Thunder's arena without a ticket, expecting to be seated for free courtside. He was turned away with the authority of Serge Ibaka swatting a shot. The Thunder made it clear that for a sell-out there are no perks*, even for constantly catered-to celebrities. The Spurs should learn a lesson from the Thunder organization's strict stance: no giveaways.

*except Kendrick Perkins

Nothing But Love

Last season, Kevin Love was a lone wolf - or, as fans of The Hangover might phrase it, a "one-man wolfpack" - for Minnesota, which is why it was beyond baffling that the franchise didn't sign him to a maximum contract extension in January. We're not sure what more the organization had to see from the player Charles Barkley constantly calls "the best power forward in the game." Love will have to lead the Timberwolves hunt for a post-season berth on his own again, now that rousing and radiant rookie Ricky Rubio* has torn his ACL. Ironically, the injury occurred while guarding Kobe Bryant, whom Rubio taunted in the locker room following a previous meeting between the Lakers and Wolves, regarding this year's summer Olympics, which Rubio will now miss, making it a doubly devastating injury, since he can't compete for Spain, a strong contender to capture gold in London. He's about as valuable to his NBA club as gold. The pure point guard was 5th in the league in assists per game and third overall in steals. He ranked first in both of those categories among first-year players. All it took was one game without Rubio for the T-Wolves to surrender their shaky grip on the last playoff space in the West. The sting of losing Rubio was worsened by the sting of losing to the Hornets, who entered the contest tied for the second-fewest wins in the league.

Since the T-Wolves have been terrible for over half a decade (their last winning season was 2004-05), there hasn't been much, shall we say, "northern exposure," on TV, so we first fell for Rubio when he went between-the-legs of DeMarcus Cousins on a fastbreak during the Rising Stars Challenge. He puts mustard on passes like we put it on hot dogs - and without hot dogging, differentiating him from Jason Williams, who was flashy, but not fundamentally sound^. Love and Rubio have the potential to be a level-headed version of Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury and that had to give Minnesotans non-weather-related chills. Love is an expert at rebounding, but his squad will have a tough task bouncing back from this untimely event. Maybe Love should take Rubio to a movie, to get theirs minds off of the misfortune, but probably not 21 Jump Street, since Rubio is 21, can't jump for the next three-quarters of a year and will be in street clothes watching the Wolves playoff push.

*Try saying that three times fast.
If Williams was "White Chocolate," Rubio is raw cocoa bean.

Waiting for an Linvitation

There is a glaring omission from Rising Stars Challenge (formerly known as the Rookie-Sophomore game) on February 24, which pits first and second-year players against each other: Five-game phenom Jeremy Lin. He's an overnight sensation, but he can not - and should not - be overlooked, when the NBA's best convene in Orlando in 11 days. The league must find a way to Linclude him.

Celebrity coaches Shaq and Charles Barkley, never shy about sharing their opinions, need to lobby on Lin's behalf. As does his Knicks teammate and participant (and study buddy) Landry Fields. No one will tune in to see Tiago Splitter or Gordon Hayward, to name two of the second-year players selected, but fans would watch to see Lin square off against John Wall again or Ricky Rubio for a second time or take on rookie of the year front-runner Kyrie Irving. What fan wouldn't be excited by the prospect of Lin lobbing to Blake Griffin? And with Griffin wavering on whether he'll defend his dunk title, the NBA could use another player people passionately pay attention to.

Lin doesn't just prompt fans to rise from their seats, he fills seats, too. He helped sell out a T-Wolves game on the road, giving Minnesota its largest crowd since 2004, so the stands in Orlando would likely be at capacity for a secondary contest. Lin has scored more points in his first four starts than an player since the NBA-ABA merger in 1976. The league must find a way to Lincorporate him in the All-Star Weekend festivities. We don't want to see him on camera, we want to see him on the court If it's asking too much to place him in a game in which the participants have already been determined, at least Linsert him into the Skills Challenge competition. Maybe we've gone Linsane in the membrane, but we'd watch him criss-cross dribble through cones and bounce pass into buckets and be curious to compare how well he does it with Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook.

Adding Lin doesn't even have to come at the expense of removing another player from the Rising Stars roster; make an exception for a player who lately has been as exceptional as anyone in the league. David Stern, extend an invite, we Linsist.

David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.