Kobe Bryant said he won't "waste time" determining why Dwight Howard escaped from L.A. like he was Kurt Russell*. As is true of most Americans, he prefers to waste his time on Twitter. The only follow-up Bryant's interested in is from his surgeon, who cut Kobe deeply in a way Howard never could.
Speaking of Howard, the Rockets intend to employ Hakeem Olajuwon as a center mentor. Would that be a "centaur"? If so, don't play H-O-R-S-E against him, Dwight.
Although he hasn't seen action since 2009, Greg Oden is drawing interest from a few franchises, including this season's finalists, Miami and San Antonio. To obtain him, one team might have to get on bended knee, which is more than Oden can manage to do.
Derrick Rose is in Spain and feeling no pain. In Madrid advertising Adidas apparel, he told reporters his health is "100 percent" and that he'll "definitely" play in Chicago's first preseason game, the date of which hasn't been released yet. We can't wait to Rose running with the Bulls again.
*Surely, Snake Plissken would stand with the "Black Mamba."
Showing posts with label Dwight Howard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dwight Howard. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Mission: Control Center
Our apologies to Dwight Howard, you probably didn't finish your summer reading* because he took less time to decide than Jason Kidd did to receive a tech as a coach (or if you prefer a political parallel, less time than for democracy to dissolve in Egypt). Howard is headed to Houston, perhaps in part due to a persuasive pitch from actor Jim Parsons. We posit that Dr. Sheldon Cooper offered Howard his sacred spot on the sofa; we call it "The Big Man Theory."^
There was a law to Howard's motion. For his action, there was an oppositional reaction by his equals. Howard is $30 million poorer for his pick with one fewer Twitter follower and also one ticked off Turkish teammate. If the Rockets give Asik some space (in parsecs), he may come around. Howard boldly took less bucks, but will be expected to give more bang than last season.
*we did, but ours was mostly picture and flip books.
^bazinga!
There was a law to Howard's motion. For his action, there was an oppositional reaction by his equals. Howard is $30 million poorer for his pick with one fewer Twitter follower and also one ticked off Turkish teammate. If the Rockets give Asik some space (in parsecs), he may come around. Howard boldly took less bucks, but will be expected to give more bang than last season.
*we did, but ours was mostly picture and flip books.
^bazinga!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Greivis and Butthead
While we all wait for Dwight Howard to make up his mind - and you might complete your summer reading before that happens - there have been a torrent of tinier transactions, including two three-team trades. In the first, the Clippers shored up their outside shooting shortcomings, snatching J.J. Reddick from the Bucks and Jared Dudley from the Suns in exchange for one guy who wasn't getting any playing time, Eric Bledsoe and whose best days are behind him, Caron Butler. Reddick and Dudley both averaged career-bests in PPG this past season. Milwaukee received a pair of future second-round picks and not re-signing Reddick, which would've been wise since Monta Ellis opted out, signals that they'll probably overpay Brandon Jennings, so as to not lose the top three players in their backcourt (the team can't allow them all to Milwaukee away).
The Kings are staying in Sacramento, but Tyreke Evans is not. The 2009-2010 rookie of the year took a step back this year, averaging career lows in points and assists, while splitting time with Isaiah Thomas (the one with the extra vowel, not the one Knicks faithful want to disembowel). Evans was dealt to the Pelicans for Greivis Vasquez, who was third in the league in assists per game last season, a stat so sneakily surprising it should be sponsored by Ripley's Believe It or Not! (New Orleans won't grieve over the loss of Greivis because his vacancy will be filled by Jrue Holiday, fourth in APG, obtained on draft day) The Blazers received Robin Lopez, the twin whose hair is more electric than his play. Even if the big man doesn't do well in Portland, his 'do will.
With an assortment of additional acquisitions anticipated, there's no reason to let Dwight's dithering take the enjoyment out of free agency like Joey Chestnut takes it out of eating hot dogs*.
*chew, you gluttonous garbage disposal, chew
The Kings are staying in Sacramento, but Tyreke Evans is not. The 2009-2010 rookie of the year took a step back this year, averaging career lows in points and assists, while splitting time with Isaiah Thomas (the one with the extra vowel, not the one Knicks faithful want to disembowel). Evans was dealt to the Pelicans for Greivis Vasquez, who was third in the league in assists per game last season, a stat so sneakily surprising it should be sponsored by Ripley's Believe It or Not! (New Orleans won't grieve over the loss of Greivis because his vacancy will be filled by Jrue Holiday, fourth in APG, obtained on draft day) The Blazers received Robin Lopez, the twin whose hair is more electric than his play. Even if the big man doesn't do well in Portland, his 'do will.
With an assortment of additional acquisitions anticipated, there's no reason to let Dwight's dithering take the enjoyment out of free agency like Joey Chestnut takes it out of eating hot dogs*.
*chew, you gluttonous garbage disposal, chew
Monday, July 1, 2013
How(ard) Come?
Independence Days arrives a little earlier in The Association than it does in America. At the stroke of midnight Sunday, teams were free to strike deals with free agents. With Doc in Hollywood, the Clippers have found the cure for keeping Chris Paul. Houston is again going all out, like a fireworks fanatic on the fourth. Instead of a sending up a red flare, the Rockets set up red flair for the biggest one - literally and figuratively - Dwight Howard (they blasted Thomas Robinson,Carlos Delfino and Aaron Brooks right off the roster to clear cap space).
In addition to meeting with the owner, GM and coach, the posse persuading Howard included players past and present: Chandler Parsons, James Harden, Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon in-person, Yao Ming via teleconference (Yao, who was calling from China, is so tall we're classifying him as a "Skypescraper"), and Dikembe Mutombo by means of a videotaped message (we wonder whether he wrapped with a finger-wagging warning not to sign elsewhere). All they were missing was George Zimmer to tell Howard he would like the way he looked in a Rockets uniform - he guarantees it.
If that trinity of centers didn't make Howard feel like the center of attention, no one will, although it also highlights that the Rockets, like the Lakers, have a long line of long-limbed legends. Howard plans to visit the Hawks, Mavericks, Warriors and the Lakers, so we'll see if sending choice recruiters helps him make his choice any faster. We expect this to take more time - and involve more flipping - than grilling on charcoal.
*it's unknown if Houston told Howard he would like the way he looked in a Rockets uniform and, more crucially, guaranteed it.
In addition to meeting with the owner, GM and coach, the posse persuading Howard included players past and present: Chandler Parsons, James Harden, Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon in-person, Yao Ming via teleconference (Yao, who was calling from China, is so tall we're classifying him as a "Skypescraper"), and Dikembe Mutombo by means of a videotaped message (we wonder whether he wrapped with a finger-wagging warning not to sign elsewhere). All they were missing was George Zimmer to tell Howard he would like the way he looked in a Rockets uniform - he guarantees it.
If that trinity of centers didn't make Howard feel like the center of attention, no one will, although it also highlights that the Rockets, like the Lakers, have a long line of long-limbed legends. Howard plans to visit the Hawks, Mavericks, Warriors and the Lakers, so we'll see if sending choice recruiters helps him make his choice any faster. We expect this to take more time - and involve more flipping - than grilling on charcoal.
*it's unknown if Houston told Howard he would like the way he looked in a Rockets uniform and, more crucially, guaranteed it.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sign Language
In an effort to retain free agent Dwight Howard, the Lakers have draped a banner over the side of the Staples Center with a photo of him (dribbling the ball?) and one word written across it: Stay. This command would work well if Howard were a compliant canine, but he's proven to be a roving Rover (although he did follow top dog Kobe's in-season order to "play," not "sit").
L.A. also put up a billboard on Hollywood Boulevard, so the team doesn’t think This is the End of his time in Tinseltown. However, there are indications that Howard wants find out what he can fetch on the open market. Don't make them beg, Dwight.
L.A. also put up a billboard on Hollywood Boulevard, so the team doesn’t think This is the End of his time in Tinseltown. However, there are indications that Howard wants find out what he can fetch on the open market. Don't make them beg, Dwight.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Eight is Enough
March Madness has mutated into April Absurdity in Los Angeles. Dwight Howard thinks the Lakers have an elite eight run in them, believing they can go undefeated in their octet of remaining games. The Lakers haven't been on schedule all season, but that didn't stop Howard from scanning the schedule and seeing a sweep. "We should win all these games," Howard assured, affirming that L.A. athletes are just as delusional as actors (which is why it makes absolute sense that Metta World Peace can call himself both*).
While on the subject of 'should,' the Lakers should have larger than a two-game difference between their total wins and losses, and should have sewn up a postseason spot weeks ago; instead, they're a half-game behind Utah for the final berth. The path to perfection is implausible because it ignores that the Lakers longest winning streak of the season was only five games and occurred months ago, back in mid-December. Furthermore, five of the upcoming contests are against opponents already in the playoffs. However, one factor in the team's favor is that if this is a last stand, it will at least be a home stand, with every game tipping off in their own arena. The Lakers may be at home, but they're far from home free. Staples slogan, "That was easy," won't be words these Staples Center occupants will be saying anytime soon.
*The Eleventh Victim thespian is currently the victim of a lateral meniscus tear
While on the subject of 'should,' the Lakers should have larger than a two-game difference between their total wins and losses, and should have sewn up a postseason spot weeks ago; instead, they're a half-game behind Utah for the final berth. The path to perfection is implausible because it ignores that the Lakers longest winning streak of the season was only five games and occurred months ago, back in mid-December. Furthermore, five of the upcoming contests are against opponents already in the playoffs. However, one factor in the team's favor is that if this is a last stand, it will at least be a home stand, with every game tipping off in their own arena. The Lakers may be at home, but they're far from home free. Staples slogan, "That was easy," won't be words these Staples Center occupants will be saying anytime soon.
*The Eleventh Victim thespian is currently the victim of a lateral meniscus tear
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Basketball (on the) 101
Caution: objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Except if you're the Lakers and that object is the playoffs. On Monday, the Warriors mostly cruised in a win over the Lakers - they were ahead by 25 in the third quarter - but Dwight Howard believes David Lee was cruising for a bruising. Howard was struck by a Lee elbow in the second quarter and although his lip required three stitches, it didn't halt Howard from running his mouth during the game - he received a technical on the play - or after. "I will remember that shot. I will take care of it later," Howard vowed. Pump the brakes, Tony Stewart, this isn't NASCAR, even thought this year's Lakers are the most overrated and undeserving of attention entity in sports outside of Danica Patrick.
Howard declined to take the high road and so did Golden State coach Mark Jackson. "We are the better basketball team. They are in the rear-view and I have not checked it and I will not," Jackson asserted. We know exactly what Jackson's driving at (or should we say away from?). The Lakers, only one game in front of the Jazz for the final place in the playoffs, need to find another gear and fast.
Howard declined to take the high road and so did Golden State coach Mark Jackson. "We are the better basketball team. They are in the rear-view and I have not checked it and I will not," Jackson asserted. We know exactly what Jackson's driving at (or should we say away from?). The Lakers, only one game in front of the Jazz for the final place in the playoffs, need to find another gear and fast.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Work (Dis)Like Magic
For one night, Dwight Howard was a master illusionist, with a beguiling boxscore Burt Wonderstone couldn't conjure^. Howard saved some of his magic for his old team during his first return to Orlando, scoring a season-high 39 points in a win. Historically, Howard can't hack it at the line, so the Magic opted to hack him^, employing a tactic most foul, but he exclaimed "presto change-o" to his free throw woes: sinking 25 of his league record-tying 39 tries and shooting 64% from the stripe, an increase of 15% above his average this year. After the first half Howard had, notching 19 and 10, over-matched Orlando should've switched to the saw him in half strategy.
Howard pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but this wasn't some humdrum hare, it was Bugs Bunny in Space Jam. Motivated, maybe by the masterpiece of a movie mentioned, he played as if the planet's safety was at stake. Like the cartoon character, Howard was animated, chatting with the cross crowd, who blame him for staging the longest vanishing act in all of sports.
Now, for Howard's next trick: solidifying the Lakers, winners of four straight and eight of ten, spot in the playoffs. To pull it off, he'll need to concede that he's actually Kobe Bryant's lovely assistant, the Teller to Kobe's Penn. For Howard to believed their roles are reversed would be magical thinking.
^which is a film we expect to disappear from theatres in no time.
*it's fitting that these largely unknown Magic players became hackers, since they amount to an Anonymous collective.
Howard pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but this wasn't some humdrum hare, it was Bugs Bunny in Space Jam. Motivated, maybe by the masterpiece of a movie mentioned, he played as if the planet's safety was at stake. Like the cartoon character, Howard was animated, chatting with the cross crowd, who blame him for staging the longest vanishing act in all of sports.
Now, for Howard's next trick: solidifying the Lakers, winners of four straight and eight of ten, spot in the playoffs. To pull it off, he'll need to concede that he's actually Kobe Bryant's lovely assistant, the Teller to Kobe's Penn. For Howard to believed their roles are reversed would be magical thinking.
^which is a film we expect to disappear from theatres in no time.
*it's fitting that these largely unknown Magic players became hackers, since they amount to an Anonymous collective.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Left for Deadline
Inspired by the Oscars, we've been busy working on a film of our own, a historical drama about the 2003 draft, Zero Darko Thirty. Much like the Academy Awards, this year's trade deadline was more stirring to squawk and speculate about than it was to sit through*. The most noteworthy move was the reunion of identical twins Marcus and Markieff Morris, who have almost identical stats this season (8.6 ppg, 4.1 rpg and 7.3 and 4.3, respectively)^. Despite the unending uneducated guesses of ESPN rumor-mongers who identify as reporters, there were no Argo-esque escapes for stars supposedly up for sale. Josh Smith is still a Beast of the Southern Wild, while Dwight Howard remains part of Les Miserables, aka the Lakers. All we know is Mike D'Antoni needs to find his Silver Linings Playbook fast, before an unchained Phil Jackson comes for him like Django.
Happy belated birthday to Charles Barkley, who we're guessing spit out the candles on his cake. We're developing a documentary on the "Round Mound of Rebound": Life of Pie.
Speaking of rebellious rebounders from the '90s, Dennis Rodman is currently in North Korea, along with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, to promote the sport of basketball, by conducting a camp for children and competing in games against the country's best athletes. An abnormal area requires an abnormal ambassador. Rodman might've finally found a nation where insanity is appreciated.
*Sorry, we Shat(ner) all over both events.
^Although it is fun to guess what words poet J.J. Redick (15.1 ppg, 12th in total threes made) has decided rhyme with his new home city, "Milwaukee." Here's some help: thrill jockey, skill hockey and shrill walkie-talkie.
Happy belated birthday to Charles Barkley, who we're guessing spit out the candles on his cake. We're developing a documentary on the "Round Mound of Rebound": Life of Pie.
Speaking of rebellious rebounders from the '90s, Dennis Rodman is currently in North Korea, along with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, to promote the sport of basketball, by conducting a camp for children and competing in games against the country's best athletes. An abnormal area requires an abnormal ambassador. Rodman might've finally found a nation where insanity is appreciated.
*Sorry, we Shat(ner) all over both events.
^Although it is fun to guess what words poet J.J. Redick (15.1 ppg, 12th in total threes made) has decided rhyme with his new home city, "Milwaukee." Here's some help: thrill jockey, skill hockey and shrill walkie-talkie.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Rush Howard
Despite Los Angeles players making up four-fifths of the West All-Star starters, three-fourths of them haven't been suiting up lately*. Blake Griffin, who had a consecutive games streak stopped at 197, missed two but is expected back Friday, as is Chris Paul, who's sat out nine straight. The news isn't nearly as nice for the Lakers, since Kobe Bryant, who's been shouldering the load all season, has no sympathy for Dwight Howard's suffering shoulder. By challenging his center to play through the pain, arguing that the tenth-place team, who learned on Wednesday it will be without Pau Gasol for at minimum a month following a faulty foot, Kobe intends to motivate, not aggravate. Even if it means he has to be the heel, by pointing out that the Lakers can't wait for Howard to heel.
So far, Howard won't hear it, "That's his opinion...he's not a doctor^." Whether Howard's being hard-headed or hesitant, it goes back to his back. "Last year I wanted to prove and show people I can play through injuries...I don't want that situation to happen again." There's a distinct divide in their designs for the season: Kobe is chasing a championship, while Howard is chasing a cash-crammed contract. You can earn the latter without the former. This is why Kobe's called a winner, whereas Dwight's considered a whiner.
*And that, readers, is fractions in action. Just don't make us show our work.
^There's your cue to intervene, Dr. Shaq.
So far, Howard won't hear it, "That's his opinion...he's not a doctor^." Whether Howard's being hard-headed or hesitant, it goes back to his back. "Last year I wanted to prove and show people I can play through injuries...I don't want that situation to happen again." There's a distinct divide in their designs for the season: Kobe is chasing a championship, while Howard is chasing a cash-crammed contract. You can earn the latter without the former. This is why Kobe's called a winner, whereas Dwight's considered a whiner.
*And that, readers, is fractions in action. Just don't make us show our work.
^There's your cue to intervene, Dr. Shaq.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Heat Ring In the New Year
NBA (B)All Day's observations from opening night:
The Good: LeBron James shone like his dazzling 219-diamond championship ring, posting 26 points in 29 minutes of play. However, less predictable performance took place in previous province. Rebounding from a wrist injury that caused him to miss most of last season, Anderson Varejao racked up a career-high 23 rebounds and fell one point and one assist short of a triple-double, in a contest between teams with the second and third-worst records last season, that the league tried to bury on the schedule like it was NBC and Cavaliers-Wizards was Community. Today may be about Washington Irving, but yesterday belonged to Kyrie Irving, who scored a game-high 29 points and will continue causing onlookers to(Ichabod) Crane their necks.
The Bad: Not only did Dwight Howard foul out and the Lakers lose in his debut, his Mavericks counterparts, Elton Brand and Eddy Curry, also in new uniforms, combined to out-rebound him, 15-10, and were within 4 points of matching Howard's scoring total. The defeat at home, coupled with an 0-8 preseason, has caused some cries of "mayday," which is fitting since the Lakers last win was on a day in May.
The Ugly: It's obvious Kevin Garnett was shaken up by Ray Allen bailing on Boston, so he's going to great lengths to pull the rug out from under the carpetbagger, shaking off a handshake before the game. True, Allen was wearing white the night before Halloween, so maybe that's why Garnett treated him like he was a ghost. If this was a horror movie, it'd be titled The Grudge, although Garnett's activity is less paranormal and more passive-aggressive.
The Good: LeBron James shone like his dazzling 219-diamond championship ring, posting 26 points in 29 minutes of play. However, less predictable performance took place in previous province. Rebounding from a wrist injury that caused him to miss most of last season, Anderson Varejao racked up a career-high 23 rebounds and fell one point and one assist short of a triple-double, in a contest between teams with the second and third-worst records last season, that the league tried to bury on the schedule like it was NBC and Cavaliers-Wizards was Community. Today may be about Washington Irving, but yesterday belonged to Kyrie Irving, who scored a game-high 29 points and will continue causing onlookers to(Ichabod) Crane their necks.
The Bad: Not only did Dwight Howard foul out and the Lakers lose in his debut, his Mavericks counterparts, Elton Brand and Eddy Curry, also in new uniforms, combined to out-rebound him, 15-10, and were within 4 points of matching Howard's scoring total. The defeat at home, coupled with an 0-8 preseason, has caused some cries of "mayday," which is fitting since the Lakers last win was on a day in May.
The Ugly: It's obvious Kevin Garnett was shaken up by Ray Allen bailing on Boston, so he's going to great lengths to pull the rug out from under the carpetbagger, shaking off a handshake before the game. True, Allen was wearing white the night before Halloween, so maybe that's why Garnett treated him like he was a ghost. If this was a horror movie, it'd be titled The Grudge, although Garnett's activity is less paranormal and more passive-aggressive.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Call Him Maybe (Hey I Just Sweat for You)
Tracy McGrady is asking teams to mcgrade him. The 33-year-old free agent has worked out for the Spurs and Knicks this week. During his prime, he led the league in scoring twice, but lately has been bothered by a bum knee, so we're not sure T-Mac is T-Mobile anymore. In other words, he shouldn't expect the phone to ring with camp invites.
Hall of Famer James Worthy isn't sure Dwight Howard is worthy of being a Laker. Talking to the L.A. Times, he called Howard's hesitance to play there "gibberish" and condemned the center's complainy, conflict-causing conduct last season (he considered that "nonsense"*). Worthy also wasn't above giving a lesson in geography/sociology, observing, "This is not Orlando." You're right, it's L.A., where dozens upon dozens of dramatic divas dwell. Dwight might be right at home there.
*we get the sense that if the interview went 5 minutes more, Worthy would've worked "gobbledygook" into the conversation.
Hall of Famer James Worthy isn't sure Dwight Howard is worthy of being a Laker. Talking to the L.A. Times, he called Howard's hesitance to play there "gibberish" and condemned the center's complainy, conflict-causing conduct last season (he considered that "nonsense"*). Worthy also wasn't above giving a lesson in geography/sociology, observing, "This is not Orlando." You're right, it's L.A., where dozens upon dozens of dramatic divas dwell. Dwight might be right at home there.
*we get the sense that if the interview went 5 minutes more, Worthy would've worked "gobbledygook" into the conversation.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Weights Loss
It seems gym ownership isn't working out for Michael Jordan. A Chicago facility is facing foreclosure and Jordan stands to suffer a greenback setback of as much as $1.5 million should it shutter, so he might be looking for somebody to spot him - some cash. When it comes to bankrolling a business, just like running an NBA franchise, Jordan doesn't know squat.
According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.
According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Price is Dwight
L.A. Lakers, come on down! The Orlando Magic finally found a contestant eager to play a game involving a great that was getting to be grating. The Lakers underbid, yet still succeeded in the showcase showdown, snatching the big prize: the league's best big man. The Magic were content to clear out Howard for a crappy consolation gift - the equivalent of a chinet set or a lifetime supply of off-brand motor oil - in Al Harrington, Aaron Afflalo, Nikola Vucevic, Moe Harkless and three future draft picks - one each from the trio of other teams included. Two other all-stars were traded - Andrew Bynum and active Olympian Andre Iguodala - but neither are moving to the Magic Kingdom; their final destinations are Philly and Denver, respectively, where Iguodala will run and gun with the nimble Nuggets, while Bynum might be one and done with the speculative Sixers, who hope Bynum will be hooked on his hometown team.
The seismic swap doesn't leave the Magic empty-handed (Afflalo is above-average), but it might mean that they're empty-headed*. They let the Lakers convert their cantankerous center for the superior and slightly less sulky one, which resulted in a restocking of their twin towers of power. Although not the level of larceny at work in landing Gasol, the buy-low scenario made it easy for the Lakers to say "bye" to the bi-polar Bynum. For Orlando, the headache is gone, but the massive migraine will start soon. Better pop some Superman-strength Advil.
*We recommend having the executives spayed and neutered.
The seismic swap doesn't leave the Magic empty-handed (Afflalo is above-average), but it might mean that they're empty-headed*. They let the Lakers convert their cantankerous center for the superior and slightly less sulky one, which resulted in a restocking of their twin towers of power. Although not the level of larceny at work in landing Gasol, the buy-low scenario made it easy for the Lakers to say "bye" to the bi-polar Bynum. For Orlando, the headache is gone, but the massive migraine will start soon. Better pop some Superman-strength Advil.
*We recommend having the executives spayed and neutered.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Cruel Summer Camp
If the word "camp" is, as John Waters once defined it on the Simpsons, "the tragically ludicrous, the ludicrously tragic," then Dwight Howard not attending the camp for kids that carries his name is just that: camp. Howard had already delayed the annual two-day event by six weeks because his is in L.A. rehabbing, but backing it up turned to backing out, due to a bad bad, so the $199 registration fee will bring backup Andrew Nicholson - who not even the league's website can show you what he looks like (attendees will have to identify him by his Canadianness, such as the way he pronounces "Orlando")- to the young'uns. Just because Howard's an unhappy camper doesn't mean he has to make his own campers unhappy, too. Howard's acting more childish than any youth who signed up.
If you don't tire of learning Jeremy Lin news, you'll want to keep track of the Linformation that Taiwan tire company Maxxis struck a deal to sponsor the Houston Rockets. Like their rival manufacturer, Maxxis is hoping for a Goodyear out of Lin. There's a more obvious brand that should've burned rubber to link itself with Houston's new PG. After all, you can't spell "Michelin" without 'lin.'
If you don't tire of learning Jeremy Lin news, you'll want to keep track of the Linformation that Taiwan tire company Maxxis struck a deal to sponsor the Houston Rockets. Like their rival manufacturer, Maxxis is hoping for a Goodyear out of Lin. There's a more obvious brand that should've burned rubber to link itself with Houston's new PG. After all, you can't spell "Michelin" without 'lin.'
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Jacque Strapped
We can only hope that you didn't strike a poorly-padded wall in frustration, a la Kyrie Irving, while we were away. Speaking of dubious decisions, first-time head coach Jacque Vaughn has something in common with the new Community showrunners - he's inheriting a massive mess made by management coupled with a disgruntled diva (although Dwight Howard's back should be healthier than Chevy Chase's) and a terrible, trifling TV schedule.
Vaughn, who spent two seasons as an assistant in San Antonio, addressed his inexperience: "Would my resume look a little nicer if it said 14 years of experience? Maybe so." Any amount of years between one and his hypothetical number would be better. For the record, 14 is twice as many seasons as his predecessor had under his belt (Stan Van Gundy also had a lot more stomach under his belt). Vaughn's greener than our currency. Vaughn also admitted he has "no relationship" with the huffy Howard.
A hypnotist might've been the ideal hire because preternatural powers of persuasion might be necessary to keep Howard in Orlando, since he's set on swapping Disney's Dumbo for Brooklyn's DUMBO. Good luck taming the elephant in the room before the circus turns chaotic.
Vaughn, who spent two seasons as an assistant in San Antonio, addressed his inexperience: "Would my resume look a little nicer if it said 14 years of experience? Maybe so." Any amount of years between one and his hypothetical number would be better. For the record, 14 is twice as many seasons as his predecessor had under his belt (Stan Van Gundy also had a lot more stomach under his belt). Vaughn's greener than our currency. Vaughn also admitted he has "no relationship" with the huffy Howard.
A hypnotist might've been the ideal hire because preternatural powers of persuasion might be necessary to keep Howard in Orlando, since he's set on swapping Disney's Dumbo for Brooklyn's DUMBO. Good luck taming the elephant in the room before the circus turns chaotic.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Dwight Decision
We envied just-hired Magic GM Rob Hennigan, who at 30 years old is the youngest executive in the league - for a few days. Not anymore. Before his second full week on the job, Hennigan has to figure out the fate of his self-contradicting center, Dwight Howard, who now wants to be in Brooklyn more than a horn-rimmed, handlebarred hipster. Howard could've headed out without the hub-bub, but he opted-in for one more year with the Magic, citing loyalty as his reason to return. That loyalty disappeared faster than tourist dollars at Disney World.
Hennigan has heard Howard out, but will he wait Howard out? Howard has swayed more than a pendulum, so he could swing back to staying, provided the Magic put pieces around him pronto. That probably won't happen, since the Magic are absent a coach, so they'llblackmail their malcontent for a package of players and picks, knowing they didn't receive full value in return for a six-time All-Star, thrice named Defensive Player of the Year. Hennigan will get ripped off and get ripped for it, and he'll want to hide under his desk - as soon as it's delivered to his new office.
Coincidentally, we're off to Orlando for a few days, so we'll see if we can convince Dwight - over a bottle of butterbeer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter - to retract his request.
Hennigan has heard Howard out, but will he wait Howard out? Howard has swayed more than a pendulum, so he could swing back to staying, provided the Magic put pieces around him pronto. That probably won't happen, since the Magic are absent a coach, so they'll
Coincidentally, we're off to Orlando for a few days, so we'll see if we can convince Dwight - over a bottle of butterbeer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter - to retract his request.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Morey or Less
Rockets geeky guru GM Daryl Morey, the stats savant Bill Simmons sucks up to, might have outed himself as a hoarder. The Rockets, who had zero first-round selections in 2011, have now stockpiled three: numbers 12, 16 and 18. Houston has missed the playoffs for three straight season, despite posting a winning record in each of them, so "Dork Elvis" has his team "all shook up." Mr. MIT is miffed by mediocrity.
They've coveted a center since Yao Ming retired and a trade for Pau Gasol last year was voided by the league. In order to chase after Dwight Howard, they had chase out Chase Budinger. And they might not be done dealing, since a pick inside the top ten might be required to secure the services of the association's best big man, bad back and all.
At least the Rockets, unlike the hesitant Howard, know what they want. Still, if Morey and Houston can't move any of what are assets only through this evening for a prominent player, they'll look like asses come tomorrow.
They've coveted a center since Yao Ming retired and a trade for Pau Gasol last year was voided by the league. In order to chase after Dwight Howard, they had chase out Chase Budinger. And they might not be done dealing, since a pick inside the top ten might be required to secure the services of the association's best big man, bad back and all.
At least the Rockets, unlike the hesitant Howard, know what they want. Still, if Morey and Houston can't move any of what are assets only through this evening for a prominent player, they'll look like asses come tomorrow.
Friday, April 27, 2012
East Mode
Like the Bobcats - who, to honor/humiliate their owner, lost the same amount of games in a row as the notable number he wore during his playing days - we couldn't wait for the regular season to end, although in our case, it was because we had the playoffs to look forward to, which start Saturday. Here's our postseason preview of the first round of the Eastern Conference:
#1 Bulls vs. #8 76ers: I'm by no means a fan of U2 - in fact, I secretly want to smack the sunglasses off Bono's smug mug - but "With or Without You" should serve as the Bulls' soundtrack this season. Regardless of whether or not Derrick Rose is hurt, the Bulls are primed to put a hurting on the 76ers. Meanwhile, the sixers will be singing sorrowfully, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," which is a strong front court.
#2 Heat vs. #7 Knicks: Carmelo can't compete with LeBron in jersey sales - or, for that matter, teammate Jeremy Lin - and he can't out-duel him on the court, either. LeBron will take his talents to the Garden like a horticulturist.
#3 Pacers vs. #6 Magic: Just call them "lando" because without Dwight Howard, their 'O' is missing (actually, their 'd,' too, but referring to them as "lano" sounds silly). You could say they "back-ed" into the playoffs*, losing six of their last ten. David West will dominate for the most dangerous team in the East.
#4 Celtics vs. #5 Hawks: The Celtics are like X-Men, in that this is their last stand (Kevin Garnett, while he can't actually shoot lasers a la Cyclops, does possess a laser-like focus). Watch the Hawks' homecourt advantage (the Celtics won their division to earn the higher seed, but the Hawks finished with a better overall record, thus awarding them more meetings in Ted Turner's town, even though the Celtics triumphed 2-1 in the head-to-head series this season - confused yet?) disappear as easily as Nightcrawler does.
*Try not to laugh so hard that it causes a hernia.
#1 Bulls vs. #8 76ers: I'm by no means a fan of U2 - in fact, I secretly want to smack the sunglasses off Bono's smug mug - but "With or Without You" should serve as the Bulls' soundtrack this season. Regardless of whether or not Derrick Rose is hurt, the Bulls are primed to put a hurting on the 76ers. Meanwhile, the sixers will be singing sorrowfully, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," which is a strong front court.
#2 Heat vs. #7 Knicks: Carmelo can't compete with LeBron in jersey sales - or, for that matter, teammate Jeremy Lin - and he can't out-duel him on the court, either. LeBron will take his talents to the Garden like a horticulturist.
#3 Pacers vs. #6 Magic: Just call them "lando" because without Dwight Howard, their 'O' is missing (actually, their 'd,' too, but referring to them as "lano" sounds silly). You could say they "back-ed" into the playoffs*, losing six of their last ten. David West will dominate for the most dangerous team in the East.
#4 Celtics vs. #5 Hawks: The Celtics are like X-Men, in that this is their last stand (Kevin Garnett, while he can't actually shoot lasers a la Cyclops, does possess a laser-like focus). Watch the Hawks' homecourt advantage (the Celtics won their division to earn the higher seed, but the Hawks finished with a better overall record, thus awarding them more meetings in Ted Turner's town, even though the Celtics triumphed 2-1 in the head-to-head series this season - confused yet?) disappear as easily as Nightcrawler does.
*Try not to laugh so hard that it causes a hernia.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Pop-ular Vote
Just because this blog will never win awards (unless "Least Read" is a category), doesn't mean we can't hand out accolades to others. Unlike the Chinese, we'll stop short of building a bronze statue for the honorees.
Coach of the Year: Gregg Popovich. The extra 'g' is for "great," which is what San Antonio has been under his guidance. He has the lockout figured out, winning the title last time there was one and quietly steering the Spurs to the second seed in the West. Selective sitting senior starters has been a Socratic - and successful - strategy.
Defensive Player: Dwight Howard. Serge Ibaka rocks the block, but no player changes more shots - or his mind - more than Dwight Howard. First in rebounds per game, third in rejections. Numbers don't lie, even if he does about not advocating for Stan Van to be canned.
6th Man: Lou Williams. It's a hard choice to deny James Harden, since his ppg is slightly higher than Williams, but no other player in the league leads his team in scoring while coming off the bench like Lou and, unlike Harden, he hasn't started a single game.
Most Improved: Nikola Pekovic. Jeremy Lin was positioned to win this in a Lin-dslide, but then a left knee injury ended his season early, so we penalized him for Lin-ping to the finish line. In his second season, Pekovic's minutes have doubled and he's responded by more than doubling his scoring (13.5) and rebounding averages (7.0). Bravo, man from Montenegro.
Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving. "Kyrie" means 'Lord' in Greek and he has fittingly been a God among mere mortals, whether it's other first-year players or his teammates. Now, he can use this honor to lord it over them.
MVP: Kobe Bryant. Last year's bestowal of it on Derrick Rose is what we'd call "Bulls-shit." The Adidas ads bragged that he was "fast" and he sure pulled a fast one on the voters. Like a pre-pubescent prince, Rose was crowned too early. Honestly, we almost gave up on the association, like Lamar Odom appears to have. While LeBron James is averaging career-highs in field goal percentage and rebounds, the Heat have cooled off considerably after the All-Star break. Rajon Rondo likely won't be mentioned, but we believe he should be in the discussion for responding to tiresome trade talks with triple-doubles. Chris Paul deserves a nod for ensuring the Clippers were worthy of the cover stories and commendation that came their way in the pre-season. Kevin Durant belongs among this consummate clique, but he has heaps of help (see: runners-up in the defensive player and 6th man categories) If there was backlash against LeBron for "The Decision" among voters, surely Dwight Howard will face some for the indecision he became synonymous with. That leaves Kobe Bryant. Saddled with a soft, strange team that sent away his steadying influence in Derek Fisher, Kobe scored enough to lead the league, while also showing he can be a sympathetic teammate. He's supported a shell-shocked Pau Gasol and a short-circuiting Andrew Bynum, not to mention brushing aside the bizarre Metta World Peace and the blunt Matt Barnes. The Lakers would be lost and much closer to last without him. He held his tongue when new coach Mike Brown benched him and Odom was dealt at a discount to the champs, so when the regular season ends in ten days, Kobe should be holding the MVP trophy.
Coach of the Year: Gregg Popovich. The extra 'g' is for "great," which is what San Antonio has been under his guidance. He has the lockout figured out, winning the title last time there was one and quietly steering the Spurs to the second seed in the West. Selective sitting senior starters has been a Socratic - and successful - strategy.
Defensive Player: Dwight Howard. Serge Ibaka rocks the block, but no player changes more shots - or his mind - more than Dwight Howard. First in rebounds per game, third in rejections. Numbers don't lie, even if he does about not advocating for Stan Van to be canned.
6th Man: Lou Williams. It's a hard choice to deny James Harden, since his ppg is slightly higher than Williams, but no other player in the league leads his team in scoring while coming off the bench like Lou and, unlike Harden, he hasn't started a single game.
Most Improved: Nikola Pekovic. Jeremy Lin was positioned to win this in a Lin-dslide, but then a left knee injury ended his season early, so we penalized him for Lin-ping to the finish line. In his second season, Pekovic's minutes have doubled and he's responded by more than doubling his scoring (13.5) and rebounding averages (7.0). Bravo, man from Montenegro.
Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving. "Kyrie" means 'Lord' in Greek and he has fittingly been a God among mere mortals, whether it's other first-year players or his teammates. Now, he can use this honor to lord it over them.
MVP: Kobe Bryant. Last year's bestowal of it on Derrick Rose is what we'd call "Bulls-shit." The Adidas ads bragged that he was "fast" and he sure pulled a fast one on the voters. Like a pre-pubescent prince, Rose was crowned too early. Honestly, we almost gave up on the association, like Lamar Odom appears to have. While LeBron James is averaging career-highs in field goal percentage and rebounds, the Heat have cooled off considerably after the All-Star break. Rajon Rondo likely won't be mentioned, but we believe he should be in the discussion for responding to tiresome trade talks with triple-doubles. Chris Paul deserves a nod for ensuring the Clippers were worthy of the cover stories and commendation that came their way in the pre-season. Kevin Durant belongs among this consummate clique, but he has heaps of help (see: runners-up in the defensive player and 6th man categories) If there was backlash against LeBron for "The Decision" among voters, surely Dwight Howard will face some for the indecision he became synonymous with. That leaves Kobe Bryant. Saddled with a soft, strange team that sent away his steadying influence in Derek Fisher, Kobe scored enough to lead the league, while also showing he can be a sympathetic teammate. He's supported a shell-shocked Pau Gasol and a short-circuiting Andrew Bynum, not to mention brushing aside the bizarre Metta World Peace and the blunt Matt Barnes. The Lakers would be lost and much closer to last without him. He held his tongue when new coach Mike Brown benched him and Odom was dealt at a discount to the champs, so when the regular season ends in ten days, Kobe should be holding the MVP trophy.
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