Weights Loss

It seems gym ownership isn't working out for Michael Jordan. A Chicago facility is facing foreclosure and Jordan stands to suffer a greenback setback of as much as $1.5 million should it shutter, so he might be looking for somebody to spot him - some cash. When it comes to bankrolling a business, just like running an NBA franchise, Jordan doesn't know squat.

According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.

Face Value

The mask Kobe Bryant wore after his nose was broken during the All-Star Game was auctioned off on Tuesday. The winning bid, out of 129 total, was $67,100. Kobe donned the protective gear for 11 games, so that works out to $6,100 per contest the buyer paid to own a sweat-stained shroud that, as far as we know, doesn't possess any transformative properties to grant the owner cartoonish powers, as in a certain Jim Carrey flick from our youth - although Kobe was "smokin'" during that stretch, averaging 31.1 ppg and surpassing 29,000 career points with the schnoz shield on (proving that the only thing that could guard him in that span was his own mask). The money went towards Bryant's own eponymous charity, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase 'gross profit.'