Now that the Rockets season is through, Jeremy Lin tweeted that he'd send a pair of his sneakers to the first follower to correctly guess which restaurant he was heading to in his hometown, to which teammate Chandler Parsons - perhaps looking to stir-fry up trouble - replied, "Panda Express."* Rather than (egg) roll his eyes, Lin teasingly called Parsons "Donald Sterling." Come on, Chandler, Lin makes millions now - he can afford P.F. Chang's.
No longer a Golden opportunity: We don't know if they put a hand down, but the Golden State Warriors are a man down. Specifically, their coach, Mark Jackson, who was fired Tuesday. Despite leading the club to back-to-back playoff berths, he won't be back. Remember when Jackson told fans not to attend his team's games (and unless you suffer from short-term memory loss you should because it was last week)? Now he's free to follow his own advice. Mama, there goes that man...to the unemployment line.
Hop to it, coach: We've heard of a sore loser, but never a soar winner. Washington coach Randy Wittman, 54, pledged to his players that if they prevailed in their first round series, he would attempt a dunk. Wittman, who stands 6'6", hasn't fulfilled his promise yet and players are jumping all over him for not jumping. Wittman gave them his word, so he's bound to do it.
Clearing the Air Jordan: A new biography of Michael Jordan discloses his dislike of white people as a youngster and recalls an incident where a classmate called him a racial slur and he responded by tossing a soft drink at her (he was suspended from school because they had a Coke Zero-tolerance policy). Jordan eventually learned it wasn't healthy to keep his hatred bottled up.
*guess who's not coming to dinner
Showing posts with label Michael Jordan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Jordan. Show all posts
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
The Bill Was Enormous
Pierre the Pelican, who has been terrifying tykes (making the mascot more of a repelican), underwent beak reduction surgery, the team reported. Let's hope the doctor who operated on him wasn't a quack. Next up in New Orleans to go under the knife: (or at least the razor) Anthony Davis' unibrow*.
A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.
Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.
Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.
*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.
^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?
A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.
Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.
Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.
*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.
^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?
Monday, December 16, 2013
Airborne Jordan
Talk about sick pay. A pair of Michael Jordan's sneakers - or should we say "sneezekers?" - from his famous influenza game* in the 1997 Finals sold at auction on Thursday, shattering the record for game-worn shoes by selling for over three-times the previous high, set by another set of MJ's used shoes. Bidding, like Jordan during that game 5 victory, was feverish, with the winner consenting to cough up $104,765 in cold cash.
The seller was a former Utah Jazz ball boy, who said Jordan rewarded him for fetching him applesauce (imagine how much memorabilia whoever serves Jordan his snacks when he enters a retirement home will receive). The buyer's identity hasn't been made public, but whoever it is certainly is a wealthy collector. After all, you can't spell "affluent" without 'flu.'
*Years after the fact, Jordan's trainer alleged his Airness's illness was due to food poisoning from a pizza (Jordan later learned his lesson by always ordering the same two toppings: pepperoni and Pepcid). This could be true, since Jordan was living in Chicago, his body had likely not tasted a traditional, non-terrible pie.
The seller was a former Utah Jazz ball boy, who said Jordan rewarded him for fetching him applesauce (imagine how much memorabilia whoever serves Jordan his snacks when he enters a retirement home will receive). The buyer's identity hasn't been made public, but whoever it is certainly is a wealthy collector. After all, you can't spell "affluent" without 'flu.'
*Years after the fact, Jordan's trainer alleged his Airness's illness was due to food poisoning from a pizza (Jordan later learned his lesson by always ordering the same two toppings: pepperoni and Pepcid). This could be true, since Jordan was living in Chicago, his body had likely not tasted a traditional, non-terrible pie.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Charlatans in Charlotte
If Michael Jordan asks, "O brother, where art thou?," while at work, the reply will be, "Yon, in myn cushy office, which thou hast graciously bestowed upon unworthy I."* MJ has promoted his older sibling, Larry Jordan, to Director of Player Personnel, a position unoccupied since 2009, when it was held by MJ's former college roommate (his RA must've felt so slighted). Larry's prior title within the organization was the vague Director of Special Projects (we picture him making dioramas of DeSagana Diop). Maybe Jordan's bro has what it takes to fix the broken Bobcats. The Bobcats are broken, but can Michael Jordan's bro fix them? He'll need to be more hands-on than his famous family member, who tends to favor a Hanes-on approach.
It's all relatives with the Bobcats. Two previous head coaches, Bernie Bickerstaff and Paul Silas, hired sons as assistants, President of Basketball Operations Rod Higgins' lad played 44 games in parts of the last two seasons, and Associate Head Coach Patrick Ewing's boy is currently on the summer league squad. Two of "His Airness'" three offspring also have jobs with the team he owns. With that in mind and Larry now assuming a larger role, we await the appointment of Moe and Curly.
*supposing they speak in Middle English.
It's all relatives with the Bobcats. Two previous head coaches, Bernie Bickerstaff and Paul Silas, hired sons as assistants, President of Basketball Operations Rod Higgins' lad played 44 games in parts of the last two seasons, and Associate Head Coach Patrick Ewing's boy is currently on the summer league squad. Two of "His Airness'" three offspring also have jobs with the team he owns. With that in mind and Larry now assuming a larger role, we await the appointment of Moe and Curly.
*supposing they speak in Middle English.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
James and Jordan: A Heated Discussion
South Beach is starting to seem like the South Pacific because for the last half-dozen games, including five in Miami, LeBron James has been hotter than an active volcano. Over a six-game span - all Heat wins - LeBron is shooting a lava-like 71.7% from the field. Last night, he became the first player in league history to score 30 or more and shoot 60% or higher in six straight tilts. The highlight was charring Charlotte by burning the Bobcats for 13 baskets on 14 attempts, nearly 93%, the numeric equivalent of nitroglycerin. It's as if LeBron's been bathing in baking soda, vinegar and warm water.* "I'm at a loss for words," he confessed afterwords. Leave that to us, LeBron; we've come up with one to describe you: Magma-nificent.
Michael Jordan hits the half-century mark on Sunday, coincidentally the same day as this year's All-Star Game. All week, ESPN has been airing pithy pieces praising "His Airness," which is a bit backwards. The network would rather reminisce about greatness that was, instead of reveling in the greatness that is going on now, right in front of us. It's likely that unless the championship count evens out, LJ won't be appreciated on the level of MJ. So it is that Jordan gets to stick out his trademark tongue at an athlete he never played against.
*See, Mom and Dad, we were paying attention during our middle school science fair, not just giggling at the styrofoam model of Uranus.
Michael Jordan hits the half-century mark on Sunday, coincidentally the same day as this year's All-Star Game. All week, ESPN has been airing pithy pieces praising "His Airness," which is a bit backwards. The network would rather reminisce about greatness that was, instead of reveling in the greatness that is going on now, right in front of us. It's likely that unless the championship count evens out, LJ won't be appreciated on the level of MJ. So it is that Jordan gets to stick out his trademark tongue at an athlete he never played against.
*See, Mom and Dad, we were paying attention during our middle school science fair, not just giggling at the styrofoam model of Uranus.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
A Very Special Sauce
A two decade's old condiment was money in the bank for Mort Bank. The North Dakotan, formerly a McDonald's franchise owner, sold a gallon of McJordan BBQ sauce, circa 1992, on eBay for nearly $10K to an unknown man from Chicago. The item was on the site for several months, but the auction turned - as the sauce surely did years ago - when Banks added the "buy it now" option, boosting the bidding to ten times the amount of the old offers. Bank isn't revealing the gent's identity, but clearly the buyer is richer than the dressing he just dealt for.
We don't need a name, what he want to know is: does the fast food foodie still have the 20-year-old corresponding sandwich that he's been saving to complete the meal with?* We doubt he'll be dunking regular McNuggets in it^. If anything, to get his $9,995 worth, he'll be dipping gold nuggets.
*that burger has to have some serious freezer burn by now.
^for the authentic Michael Jordan eating experience, you have to "dunk" with your tongue dangling down towards your chin.
We don't need a name, what he want to know is: does the fast food foodie still have the 20-year-old corresponding sandwich that he's been saving to complete the meal with?* We doubt he'll be dunking regular McNuggets in it^. If anything, to get his $9,995 worth, he'll be dipping gold nuggets.
*that burger has to have some serious freezer burn by now.
^for the authentic Michael Jordan eating experience, you have to "dunk" with your tongue dangling down towards your chin.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Weights Loss
It seems gym ownership isn't working out for Michael Jordan. A Chicago facility is facing foreclosure and Jordan stands to suffer a greenback setback of as much as $1.5 million should it shutter, so he might be looking for somebody to spot him - some cash. When it comes to bankrolling a business, just like running an NBA franchise, Jordan doesn't know squat.
According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.
According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.
Friday, July 13, 2012
A Tough Blake
In terms of injuries, the 2012 men's Olympic team is snake-bitten, figuratively, but we wouldn't be surprised if it literally became true; if a cobra chomped on Carmelo and caused him to miss the competition. That's because Blake Griffin became the seventh star to suffer a setback that will prevent him from playing in London. Griffin tore the medial meniscus in his left knee (we're not a physician, we just pretend to be one on this blog) and will miss eight weeks. Griffin didn't even have the chance to face international competition, as the happened before last night's first exhibition game. This means the closest Griffin got to gold was the Gold Bond powder in the trainer's room.
This year marks the 20th anniversary of the inaugural and incomparable Dream Team, so players of this incarnation were asked the "who would win" question. Kobe benignly backed this bunch, as if there was any other way to answer. That exasperated their elders. Scottie Pippen posited that the '92 crew would've mauled the modern one by a margin of 25 points, while Michael Jordan's reaction was reproachful: "For him to compare those two teams is not one of the smarter things he ever could have done." And MJ knows about doing dumb things, like taking time off at the peak of his career to pursue baseball or not hiring Hall of Fame coach Jerry Sloan this summer or even fellow Dream Teamer Patrick Ewing (he instead went with a college assistant coach, Mike Dunlap; honestly, a Dunlap tire would've been a better choice).
This year marks the 20th anniversary of the inaugural and incomparable Dream Team, so players of this incarnation were asked the "who would win" question. Kobe benignly backed this bunch, as if there was any other way to answer. That exasperated their elders. Scottie Pippen posited that the '92 crew would've mauled the modern one by a margin of 25 points, while Michael Jordan's reaction was reproachful: "For him to compare those two teams is not one of the smarter things he ever could have done." And MJ knows about doing dumb things, like taking time off at the peak of his career to pursue baseball or not hiring Hall of Fame coach Jerry Sloan this summer or even fellow Dream Teamer Patrick Ewing (he instead went with a college assistant coach, Mike Dunlap; honestly, a Dunlap tire would've been a better choice).
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Look What the Bobcats Dragged In
It appears Michael Jordan's sports birthday wish came true (no, not the one where he's a scratch golfer or the one where he's a .300 hitter). The day he celebrated his 49th year on Earth, the owner of the blighted Bobcats saw his team's distinctly unsweet 16-game slide mercifully expire. Game on in Ontario for first-year player Bismack Biyombo, who tallied career-highs in rebounds (13) and blocks (7) against the Raptors. Rookie Kemba Walker, who scored 14 points, said, "It's been awhile (more than a month, as we pointed out in the previous post). We're overdue." Yup, like a late library book.
Unfortunately, as all awful things eventually end, so too do all awesome things, and we must mournfully mention that the Knicks Lin streak is over. Unexpectedly, New York lost at home to the horrid Hornets, owners of the second-worst record in the league, but it wasn't because of a poor performance from Lin. He tied a game-high with 26 points (Amare Stoudemire also scored 26) and added four steals and 5 assists, although he did turn the ball over 9 times. Coach Mike D'Antoni went with a tight 8-man rotation and Lin's teammates were of almost no assistance; Tyson Chandler was the only other Knick to reach double-digits , with 10 points. Contrast that with the Hornets, who had every starter score 12 or more points. We're not Linconsolable about the loss, but we are coming around to the concept that he's not Linvincible after all.
If Carmelo is still sidelined on Sunday, the Knicks might be Lincapable of defeating the Mavs, who are riding a six-game winning streak (second to the Spurs), after erasing a 15-point deficit on the road against the steady 76ers, holding Philly to a stingy 8 points in the third quarter (Dirk Nowitzki made 5 baskets in the third; the Sixers team, 4).
Finally, the third time was the charm for LeBron, as in his contrite third trip back to his old club he amassed a game-high 28 points in just 30 minutes of work, as the Heat burned the Cavs. You could say he put on a clinic in Cleveland. Lin has been the man in Manhattan, but Friday James reminded us why he's the King.
Unfortunately, as all awful things eventually end, so too do all awesome things, and we must mournfully mention that the Knicks Lin streak is over. Unexpectedly, New York lost at home to the horrid Hornets, owners of the second-worst record in the league, but it wasn't because of a poor performance from Lin. He tied a game-high with 26 points (Amare Stoudemire also scored 26) and added four steals and 5 assists, although he did turn the ball over 9 times. Coach Mike D'Antoni went with a tight 8-man rotation and Lin's teammates were of almost no assistance; Tyson Chandler was the only other Knick to reach double-digits , with 10 points. Contrast that with the Hornets, who had every starter score 12 or more points. We're not Linconsolable about the loss, but we are coming around to the concept that he's not Linvincible after all.
If Carmelo is still sidelined on Sunday, the Knicks might be Lincapable of defeating the Mavs, who are riding a six-game winning streak (second to the Spurs), after erasing a 15-point deficit on the road against the steady 76ers, holding Philly to a stingy 8 points in the third quarter (Dirk Nowitzki made 5 baskets in the third; the Sixers team, 4).
Finally, the third time was the charm for LeBron, as in his contrite third trip back to his old club he amassed a game-high 28 points in just 30 minutes of work, as the Heat burned the Cavs. You could say he put on a clinic in Cleveland. Lin has been the man in Manhattan, but Friday James reminded us why he's the King.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Boomshakalockout!
If you were a youngster growing up in the '90s, regardless of whether you cared about the NBA, you were captivated by the 2-on-2 basketball arcade game, NBA Jam*, Midway's smashing, successful sequel to Arch Rivals. Beyond the sheer simplicity of its pick-up-and-play style, the appeal for hoops fans was the official license from the league to use the real teams' names, as well as the revolutionary incorporation of digitized faces of actual players (except Michael Jordan, who, to this day, is still an obstinate dick - only about the lockout, not his video game likeness). For the first time, it felt like you were controlling your favorite stars and, even more thrilling, inducing them to leap 30-feet into the air to execute a 360-helicopter jam or forcefully shove a foe down at half court to jar the ball loose, acts either impossible or illegal in real life.
Even though it's an unrealistic simulation - or precisely for that very reason - 1993's NBA Jam still ranks as one of the best basketball games ever created (sorry, Slam City with Scottie Pippen). Maybe it's our fondness for it, that causes us to find this work stoppage-inspired parody so hilarious. Like a meticulous musician, we can never have enough Jam sessions.
*Chances are, you were also captivated by parachute pants and sneakers that you could inflate.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Uncalled Fore
With six championships to his name, Michael Jordan is part of an elite club, so it makes sense he'd want an elite tote* to hold his clubs. Behold, his brag bag:
*NPR's won't suffice.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
What Can Brown Do For You?
There was no Christmas bonus for Larry Brown. In fact, his stocking was stuffed with a pink slip. Over the holidays, Bobcats owner and noted tongue sticker-outer Michael Jordan parted ways with his Hall of Fame coach and fellow North Carolina alum, making the most itinerant coach in the league a free agent. Erik Spoelstra just started sweating profusely.
The question isn't why Brown left, since his stays are always short and the Bobcats are bad, but who Jordan will bring in to succeed him -- because you don't replace a HOF coach (Hubie Brown doesn't want that kind of headache; Memphis was enough of a migraine). At least temporarily, Paul Silas gets a second go-round with a Charlotte-based team, but what, exactly, is Jordan's long-term plan? He already bungled the departure of one other Tar Heel, Raymond Felton, who left as a free agent, is having the best statistical season of his career and couldn't be happier throwing lob passes to A'mare. Brown's whiny and wishy-washy ways can wear on a team, but keep in mind this is a man who managed to lead the Clippers to the playoffs, a feat amazing enough to qualify him for basketball sainthood. Does Jordan have intentions of stepping out of the owner's box and onto the sidelines a la Pat Riley? Or did Jordan really believe that Brown underachieved with a ragtag roster of players who seem more suited to rounding out a D-League squad? No coach has a better track record of converting losers into winners. Not even Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks.
We don't see the Bobcats luring a coach anywhere near as accomplished and established, especially since they haven't even convinced a top-flight player to settle in Charlotte. Sure, the the Mike Browns of the world are available, but he still has much to prove (namely, 1. can he win games without LeBron? 2. can he wear the same pair of glasses more than once?) and is he any better than Paul Silas? The Bobcats couldn't afford to downgrade at another position.
Maybe Brown wasn't forced out, maybe he asked out. Even though he's not suiting up - as far as we know - Jordan is the indisputable face and leader of the franchise (even more so now), but currently this team is more painful to watch than his Hanes commercials.* We hope Jordan realizes that changing coaches isn't comparable to changing underwear (for starters, coaches seldom come in three-packs).
*Don't you sully the good name of bacon by using it to describe a wrinkled shirt collar.
The question isn't why Brown left, since his stays are always short and the Bobcats are bad, but who Jordan will bring in to succeed him -- because you don't replace a HOF coach (Hubie Brown doesn't want that kind of headache; Memphis was enough of a migraine). At least temporarily, Paul Silas gets a second go-round with a Charlotte-based team, but what, exactly, is Jordan's long-term plan? He already bungled the departure of one other Tar Heel, Raymond Felton, who left as a free agent, is having the best statistical season of his career and couldn't be happier throwing lob passes to A'mare. Brown's whiny and wishy-washy ways can wear on a team, but keep in mind this is a man who managed to lead the Clippers to the playoffs, a feat amazing enough to qualify him for basketball sainthood. Does Jordan have intentions of stepping out of the owner's box and onto the sidelines a la Pat Riley? Or did Jordan really believe that Brown underachieved with a ragtag roster of players who seem more suited to rounding out a D-League squad? No coach has a better track record of converting losers into winners. Not even Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks.
We don't see the Bobcats luring a coach anywhere near as accomplished and established, especially since they haven't even convinced a top-flight player to settle in Charlotte. Sure, the the Mike Browns of the world are available, but he still has much to prove (namely, 1. can he win games without LeBron? 2. can he wear the same pair of glasses more than once?) and is he any better than Paul Silas? The Bobcats couldn't afford to downgrade at another position.
Maybe Brown wasn't forced out, maybe he asked out. Even though he's not suiting up - as far as we know - Jordan is the indisputable face and leader of the franchise (even more so now), but currently this team is more painful to watch than his Hanes commercials.* We hope Jordan realizes that changing coaches isn't comparable to changing underwear (for starters, coaches seldom come in three-packs).
*Don't you sully the good name of bacon by using it to describe a wrinkled shirt collar.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Get Out of Your Dreams and Into His Car
It's ok to admit that 90s Gatorade commercials manipulated your mind. We're not saying electrolytes are evil, but the company's lightning bolt burned into your brain at an early age that your innermost desire was to be "like Mike." There's good news and bad news about this common condition, although it's expensive either way. The bad news is that there still hasn't been a breakthrough in therapy can cure you of this marketing malady. The good news is that you can move closer to your life's ambition of sharing similarities with MJ (beyond the gambling addiction) -- provided you have around $430K to spare (be sure check under the couch cushions...of a multi-millionaire's furniture).
Jordan is selling his '07 Mercedes McLaren SLR 722. Before you ask, yes, the doors open vertically, so you know it's worth the steep asking price. Hold on to your Hanes, because this rare ride has a top speed of 209 mph. The cost might not be low, but the mileage sure is. Jordan has only put 962 on the odometer, so, just like with the Bobcats, he's devoted hardly any time to it these past few years.
Jordan is selling his '07 Mercedes McLaren SLR 722. Before you ask, yes, the doors open vertically, so you know it's worth the steep asking price. Hold on to your Hanes, because this rare ride has a top speed of 209 mph. The cost might not be low, but the mileage sure is. Jordan has only put 962 on the odometer, so, just like with the Bobcats, he's devoted hardly any time to it these past few years.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Lakers Lose Magic Touch
Magic Johnson has sold his stake in the Lakers to a doctor. A real one, not Dr. J. Although it’s probably a plastic surgeon, since it’s L.A. With a physician as a part-owner, maybe he can work a medical miracle and Andrew Bynum will play in 10 or more games in a row without getting injured.
In addition to his trick of making the HIV in his body disappear (top that, David Blaine), Magic has been a savvy businessman in his retirement, so he likely had more on his mind with this move than just making a profit, especially since Michael Jordan has now paved the way for iconic players to own teams (even if he went to the Isiah Thomas School of Management). It became clear that the Buss family wasn’t going to budge on selling the Lakers.
Hopefully, he’ll be able to make bid for ownership of a franchise more befitting of his nickname, like the Orlando Magic or the Washington Wizards. Or he could take things a step further, and reintroduce pro hoops to the Emerald City with the alliteration-approved Seattle Sorcerers (they're crazy for coffee and consonance in that city). Whatever Magic elects to do next, it can't turn out worse than his late night talk show.
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