Full-Court Prez

The lousy Lakers could use a wing player and Kobe Bryant has one from the West Wing in mind. If Barack Obama wants to take a break from Capitol Hill*, he has the ability to hoop with Jordan Hill and the Lakers, according to Kobe, who says POTUS is sufficiently skilled to suit up for the squad^ (he'd shift from sitting between two ferns to two scrubs on the pine). Kobe compared the country's current Commander-in-Chief to former Washington Bullet Michael Adams. As an athlete that's acceptable, since Adams was a one-time All-Star, but as a President, there are other Adams you'd aim to be alongside.

We can hear his pre-game introduction now: At guard, 6'1", in his sixth year, from Harvard, number 44, the flyin' Hawaiian...

Before Obama leaves the Oval Office for a rectangular court (which is not what Michelle meant by Let's Move!), there are pros and cons to consider. He'd still be dealing with something orange that can be hard to handle, but it would be a basketball, instead of Boehner. Another German citizen, Chris Kaman, would be eager to take a selfie with him. The only shutdown he'd have to avoid would come from defenders, not Congress. Still, taking charge isn't the same as taking a charge and if a player put him on a poster, this time the caption would change (possibly to "Nope"). What's worse, we think he would have his shot blocked more often than his legislation (or his appointees).

*beyond taking time to film a fake interview and fill out his college basketball bracket

^so are his secret service agents because if you can protect the President, you can protect the paint

L.A. Weakly

A dark cloud has hung over the Lakers all season and for once, we're sure it's not smog. A day after Kobe Bryant was declared done for the season, so was Steve Nash. The sum of games played this season for the decommissioned duo was a sour 16: 6 for Bryant, 10 for Nash. Nash's body seemed to be decomposing daily, while between battling back from the torn left Achilles and the fractured left knee, the only the cobra the Black Mamba could be concerned about was the health insurance.

Los Angeles, 20 games below .500 and second from the bottom in the West, has been reduced to Loss Angeles, with the the worst and widest one in franchise history - 12 Years a Slave didn't have whippings that severe - coming courtesy of their intracity competitors last Thursday*. That disastrous defeat demonstrated that neither the meek, nor Jodie Meeks (despite scoring a career-high 42 points on Sunday), shall inherit the Earth. Mike D'Antoni's request to keep problems in-house has limitations when you share a stadium with a team that has more than double your total victories.

The team traded one Blake (Steve) only to be trounced by another (Griffin). Swaggy P was shortened to Saggy P, so difficult are w's to come by currently. L.A. is notorious for eating its Young and Nick will be no exception. Management has constantly and casually offer Pau Gasol like he's tapas. It's enough for supporters to scream, "Robert Sacrebleu!" Forget Phil Jackson - who by all reports has accepted a front office position with the Knicks - and running the triangle, those who love the Lakers just want this team to stop running in circles.

*Blake Griffin may be red-headed, but he's no step-child.

He's Adamant(ium) About It

For most of his career, no one has been able to cover Kobe Bryant. Lately, no one can recover like him. Bryant tore his Achilles in April, but Lakers VP Jim Buss believes he'll be back by the preseason in October, meaning the heel will have healed in a superhuman six months. Given Kobe's potent regenerative powers, it's a wonder he wasn't cast as Wolverine instead of Hugh Jackman (the latter does have the acting chops to match the requisite mutton chops). But Bryant's boss could be wrong; after all, when does a Buss ever stay on schedule?

Having been shunned by Dwight Howard and shrewdly stepped back from signing Andrew Bynum, the Mavericks settled on stopgap Samuel Dalembert, who will suit up for his fifth team in as many seasons. Decks of cards at casinos have been shuffled less. Sorry for hatin' on the Haitian, but Dalembert is softer than camembert.

Talk about a dis-Funch-tional relationship. Six years after filing for divorce, Dwyane Wade and his ex-wife, Siohvaughn Funches finalized a financial settlement. Wade, who has already been paying Funches bunches of cash, $25K per month, which covers a casa and a quartet of cars, will shell out a lump sum of $5 million. That works out to one mill. per year of marriage. Who says love don't cost a thing?*


*That's the last time we listen to Jennifer Lopez and/or Nick Cannon.

Leave It (Ko)be

Kobe Bryant said he won't "waste time" determining why Dwight Howard escaped from L.A. like he was Kurt Russell*. As is true of most Americans, he prefers to waste his time on Twitter. The only follow-up Bryant's interested in is from his surgeon, who cut Kobe deeply in a way Howard never could.

Speaking of Howard, the Rockets intend to employ Hakeem Olajuwon as a center mentor. Would that be a "centaur"? If so, don't play H-O-R-S-E against him, Dwight.

Although he hasn't seen action since 2009, Greg Oden is drawing interest from a few franchises, including this season's finalists, Miami and San Antonio. To obtain him, one team might have to get on bended knee, which is more than Oden can manage to do.

Derrick Rose is in Spain and feeling no pain. In Madrid advertising Adidas apparel, he told reporters his health is "100 percent" and that he'll "definitely" play in Chicago's first preseason game, the date of which hasn't been released yet. We can't wait to Rose running with the Bulls again.

*Surely, Snake Plissken would stand with the "Black Mamba."

Throw Momma from the Gravy Train

Like many moms, Pamela Bryant had held onto her child's boyhood belongings: trophies, plaques, sports uniforms. However, her son's stuff is actually worth something because he happens to be Kobe Bean. Even mushy Moms eventually throw out or give away goods not gathered by grown-up kids, but when she decided to store no more, her intent was to sell. Money was the motivator. It seems she wanted new digs in Nevada and her stingy son wasn't willing to dig deep enough - $250,000 was his limit* - so she got in contact with a New Jersey auction house that agreed to advance her $450K. Goldin Auctions offered the golden opportunity to ruin her relationship with her offspring.

Among the 900 items slated for sale in June are several high school jerseys, two All-Star game rings and a pair of championship rings produced precisely for his parents. The lot is valued at $1.5 million. Can this Lower Merion family fued sink any lower? Yes, same way any situation can: by bringing in lawyers. Kobe's attorney issued a cease-and-desist letter, while the auction company countered by filing suit against Kobe. If no resolution is reached, a collector could hit the mother lode of Pam's son's memorabilia.

* a mere quarter-million, isn't he aware that Mother's Day is in less than a week?

Put It On His Tabby

Metta World Peace often leaves people to wonder what he meant. Even more so when he quoted a one-hit wonder. Asked after Tuesday's win how he managed to play only a dozen days removed knee surgery, he kept repeating, "I'm too sexy for my cat," a lyric from the 22-year-old tune, "I'm Too Sexy."* No one in their right mind recites Right Said Fred, which explains why World Peace did. Since reporters didn't catch the reference, his strange shout-out to the song wasn't so (rico) suave.

Meanwhile, teammate Kobe Bryant was feline frisky Wednesday, scratching and clawing his way to 47 points in 48 minutes for a victory to cat-apult the L.A. ahead of Utah. He hopes the Lakers aren't too sexy for the playoffs because missing them would be considered a cat-astrophe.

*Peace was topless while answering questions, thus confirming that he's also too sexy for his shirt.

Dahntay's Inferno

Kobe Bryant would probably place Dahntay Jones in Dante Alighieri's ninth circle of Hell: Treachery. Bryant, who suffered a severe left ankle sprain falling on Jones' foot while taking a potential game-tying jumper Wednesday night, stopped short of accusing Jones of intentionally injuring him, but did declare the play "dangerous" and took a trip down unpleasant memory lane, comparing it to a play 13 years ago in which Jalen Rose undercut him during the finals. Rose fessed up to the foul on an ESPN podcast a few months back, but that hasn't led to a rosy relationship between the two.

Jones took to Twitter - where Bryant revealed his recovery regimen, which included a triple-feature of movie-viewing - to defend his character in 140 or fewer character, typing "Tape doesn't lie." True, but tape doesn't tell the truth, either. Reviewing the replay, results are inconclusive. Kobe kicked his leg out to initiate contact, but while he was in the air, Jones also advanced into Bryant's space, giving him nowhere to land. Therefore, we're not going to damn the defender to burn for eternity* - although Jones certainly wouldn't be the first Duke Blue Devil to encounter the devil.

Perhaps the new pope can settle this. Or the previous pope, we assume he still has a way to get ahold of God (the Almighty has his own social network site, I Created Your Facebook), the ultimate witness and "Supreme Server" (he stores everything in the cloud). Right now, Bryant, who is listed as out indefinitely, is stuck in the underworld's first circle: Limbo.

*or even force him to watch a commercial for Calvin Klein's Eternity.

After All-Star

Four things we learned from All-Star weekend, besides that Charles Barkley used to stow Vaseline in his navel ("put the lotion in the bellybutton," we hear him saying, Silence of the Lambs-style):

1. It's a Paul world after all. The State Farm spokesman insured (see what we did there?) that the All-Star game was entertaining by circulating dimes like the Treasury. Paul paired 15 assists with 20 points to guide the West to its third straight win and garner MVP honors. Paul persuaded even Kobe Bryant not to pass up passing, as Bryant hoisted only one more shot (9) than he handed out helpers (8).

2. It was a showcase for two small school standouts. Rookie Damian Lillard, of Weber State (and we thought that school only produced great grills), Crunchwrapped up the Taco Bell Skills Challenge* and played the most minutes of anyone in the Rising Stars Challenge, while chipping in 18 points. Kenneth Faried, a Morehead State alum, poured in 40 points and 10 rebounds in the Team Chuck vs. Team Shaq showdown and when he stopped by the TNT set afterwards, admitted he had never before scored even 30 points in a game. Faried had a flurry of ferocious flushes in the game, more so than he managed in the Dunk Contest, although his energy and enthusiasm were evident in both. This was a chance for the non-nocturnal to appreciate Lillard and Faried in action.

3. There's nothing Kyrie Irving can't do. He was the MVP of the Rising Stars game last season and for his second stint wound up as the second-leading scorer, totaling 32 points. With his deft dribbling, he buckled Brandon Knight, bringing Knight to the floor and the crow to its feet. As if his handle wasn't impressive enough, he handled the competition in the Three-Point contest, despite being a long-shot to triumph against pure shooters such as Steve Novak and Stephen Curry. Irving synchronizes style and substance.

4. The Dunk Contest was a dud. Some delight in disparaging the event every year. We don't and even enjoy the props, but this one was sideways from the start. Firstly, the commentators weren't familiar with the contestants or the format. Even worse, a pair of participants failed to stuff successfully in the second round, bringing back bad memories of Birdman with his wings clipped in 2005. On Saturday night, another nifty nickname was wrecked. James "Flight" White should've stayed in his hangar because he dive-bombed as a rim-hanger. Finally and most unforgivably, Jeremy Evans' artistic touch went unappreciated. Evans, last year's winner, hopped over a covered canvas, which was revealed to be self-portrait of him slamming, then signed it. Somehow, fans brushed aside his brilliant brush strokes and voted for Terence Ross, who leaped over a lad it turns out is the tyke of Twitter's CEO. We smell as conspiracy. And we know just the team to investigate it: The crack CIA crew of Homeland, which is what Charles Barkley advised America on-air to watch instead of the remaining rounds. It makes sense. Since the players weren't putting on a show, viewers might as well put on Showtime.

*We expect payment for our promotion - straight Chalupas, homey.

Rush Howard

Despite Los Angeles players making up four-fifths of the West All-Star starters, three-fourths of them haven't been suiting up lately*. Blake Griffin, who had a consecutive games streak stopped at 197, missed two but is expected back Friday, as is Chris Paul, who's sat out nine straight. The news isn't nearly as nice for the Lakers, since Kobe Bryant, who's been shouldering the load all season, has no sympathy for Dwight Howard's suffering shoulder. By challenging his center to play through the pain, arguing that the tenth-place team, who learned on Wednesday it will be without Pau Gasol for at minimum a month following a faulty foot, Kobe intends to motivate, not aggravate. Even if it means he has to be the heel, by pointing out that the Lakers can't wait for Howard to heel.

So far, Howard won't hear it, "That's his opinion...he's not a doctor^." Whether Howard's being hard-headed or hesitant, it goes back to his back. "Last year I wanted to prove and show people I can play through injuries...I don't want that situation to happen again." There's a distinct divide in their designs for the season: Kobe is chasing a championship, while Howard is chasing a cash-crammed contract. You can earn the latter without the former. This is why Kobe's called a winner, whereas Dwight's considered a whiner.

*And that, readers, is fractions in action. Just don't make us show our work.
^There's your cue to intervene, Dr. Shaq.

The Antisocial Network

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love* gave to me: a high-speed internet connection (because who knows what the heck to do with turtle doves). Here's what we missed while we were without the worldwide web:

1. Santa stuffed a pink slip in Avery Johnson's stocking. Despite leading the Nets to a franchise-best 11-4 record to start the season, the coach was fired two days after Christmas. We think he was ho-ho-hosed.

2. Kevin Durant got thrown out of a game for the first time in his career. He was ejected like a copy of Thunderstruck from a DVD player. The difference being that Durant made it to 41 minutes, which is way longer than anyone who's seen his movie has.


3. Kobe Bryant created a Twitter account. His first message was: "The antisocial has become social." We're glad he joined. He'll need something to do once the playoffs roll around.

4. Stephen Jackson sprained his right ankle stumbling over a server on the Knicks sideline at MSG. The injury brought new meaning to the phrase "road trip." The waitress was allegedly taking the order of Mayor Michael Bloomberg. We're guessing he didn't order a large soda.

5. Returning from surgery on his left knee that has caused him to miss the first two months of the season, Amar'e Stoudemire has a lot to learn from his new head coach. "I've never been taught defense in my whole career," the 11-year veteran said. Good thing high schoolers can't go straight to the pros like Stoudemire anymore - they need a year to take classes. We'll start preparing course materials for "Introduction to Zone^" and "Man-to-Man 101."


*and by "true love" we mean 'cutthroat cable company.'


^Rule #1: Don't zone out while studying.

Points of Interest

Kobe Bryant is the Sam's Club of scorers - he buys buckets in bulk. Last night, he joined an elite club, becoming only the fifth player in league history to exceed 30,000 points. He is the youngest to reach the record, but that's because he passed on college* and entered the association at an earlier age, which wasn't an option for the others - and isn't allowed anymore, either. And before you offer a high-five for him being among the famed five of Jordan, Malone, Abdul-Jabbar and Chamberlain, consider that it actually took Kobe the most games to meet the milestone - 27 more than "the Mailman" needed to stick his forever stamp on the sacred scoring scrolls (which, if they don't exist, should). Still, the accomplishment represents both quality and quantity. That Kobe's achievement came against the Hornets, the team that traded him on draft day 16 years ago, meant on Wednesday he was making a point that won't show up on the stat sheet.

Guys and Dolls: We segue from Kobe to Barbie. Byron Scott isn't babying his young players, he's giving them babies. The Cavs coach has doled out dolls and strollers to the team's three rookies without a word as to why. We think coach confused the buddy system with the My Buddy system.

*See? Kobe passes sometimes.

Brown Out

Even though Mike Brown has a pair of glasses to match his every suit, as well as an endorsement deal with Oakley, we don't think he saw this coming. Brown has been fired following the Lakers bad beginning. L.A.'s glaring 1-4 record caused a crabby Kobe Bryant to glare from the bench during a loss on Wednesday (it's fair to say he wasn't Jazzed to be beaten by Utah). Signs that the squad of superstars, who traded for top talent Dwight Howard and Steve Nash in the offseason, were struggling showed in the preseason, when L.A. went winless.

In the end, 2009's Coach of the Year was granted a mere 71 regular season games with the Lakers, of which the club won 42, despite him signing a four-year contract in 2011. Brown told Esquire last year that the amount of eyewear he owned was "embarrassing," so we're wondering what word he would use to describe being dismissed just five games into a season? It's ironic that a man with a surplus of spectacles was faulted for a fading focus.

Love Hurts

Kevin Love will miss at least the first month of the 2012-13 season after breaking his shooting hand during a pre-practice, personal workout. There's no word on what type of workout caused him to hurt his hand. Was he sparring with slabs of frozen meat, a la Rocky? If so, Kevin, don't use all your strength to strike said solid shank; next time, just give it a Love tap.


With less than two weeks until the Lakers open the regular season, Kobe Bryant has a lot on his plate, but he still went to bat for his buddy, Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees slugger has been in a slump and was benched due to poor play, but Kobe called to give him a pep talk, one world-class athlete to another. "I think sometimes he forgets he's the best. I don't," said Bryant, who's also taken some wild swings recently, albeit at long-gone Lakers*, not pitches.

The advice Kobe administered served as a real pick-me-up to A-Rod, in that it inspired him to pick up a woman in the stands. If you can't get a hit on the ball, Rodriguez reasoned, you can at least hit on an Australian bikini model using a ball. In the end, Kobe Kyna reached Rodriguez.

*the secret of Chris Mihm - he sucked - being much less fascinating than The Secret of NIMH.

For Kobe, "The Worst" is Over

We apologize for our unannounced absence. Would you believe we got completely caught up in the WNBA playoffs? You wouldn't? Would you believe we were working with Rockets rookie Royce White, who has a fear of flying, to solve transportation troubles? We suggested he ride in a Rolls Royce. You wouldn't, either? Would you believe we were busy ghostwriting a series of children's literature for Amar'e Stoudemire? You still wouldn't? You skeptical son of a bitch, smushing our fragile feelings like Kobe Bryant did to a certain former teammate, who he didn't throw under a bus so much as toss him beneath a fleet of tractor trailers. Well, at least it was generous of Kobe to grant Parker double the amount of time in the spotlight Andy Warhol would've allotted him. We think Kobe had less of a problem with Parker's 30 minutes of fame, than his 30 minutes a game. Parker says Bryant seldom spoke to him and brushed off bonding to be with bodyguards. Isolation is Bryant's preferred plan on and off the court. It's possible Kobe believes to figuratively separate himself from fellow players, he must literally separate himself from them.

Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.

*He said he needed them finished STAT.

Great Ball of China

In a charity game in Shanghai comprised of Chinese celebrities, Kobe Bryant scored 68 points in the 15-minute second half after sitting out the first (he didn't plan to play, but was pressed to since his side was losing, the opposition's lead padded by popular demand - 20 points were tacked on via text*). That's a rate of 4.5 points per minute. With that sort of prolific production, he was a one-worker fastbreak factory. Kobe also strummed an electric guitar at centercourt with cheerleaders encircling him. It was a chance to show off a solo before he showed off - solo.

Vivek Shah, a student, spotted Brooklyn Nets CEO Brett Yormark on the street in NYC and struck up a conversation. Yormark was impressed - considering that, until recently, Nets players weren't even recognized, much less front-office folks - so he invited Shah to tour the workplace, then offered him an internship. It all happened so fast, someone in the video documenting it should've said, "on Yormark, ready, set, go!"

*the Chinese are permitted to vote to pile on points in a purposeless basketball game, but not for their political leaders. Makes sense.

Gold Mettle

First, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony all took turns torching Argentina on Friday (playing well was the best revenge for Carmelo). Then, Team USA went out and earned first in a grueling gold medal game against the size of Spain, featuring the Gasol brothers and naturalized Spaniard Serge Ibaka. It was a tall order, but in the end, the team with only one true center prevailed over one with a trio of them, reaching the heights that were presumed but not promised.

Ironically, as an object was being hung around their necks, a great weight was being lifted off their shoulders. If you had any doubts whether the precious metal was regarded as a precious medal by the players, all you had to do was look at and listen to Kobe Bryant afterwards. In his long consolation hug with Lakers teammate Pau Gasol, a man thought of as callous was conspicuously compassionate. It was a reminder that the Olympics bring out the best in everyone.*

*except that psycho, private part-puncher, Nicholas Batum.

Down Under Goes Australia

Mostly missing in action in the Olympics and held scoreless in the first half, Kobe Bryant piled up 20 points in the last 20 minutes of the game to assert himself against Australia. Kobe, who had been viewing voluminous victories from the distance of the bench, this time was involved late and did it from distance - connecting on six three-pointers - to distance Team USA from its feisty foe in the fourth quarter.

Kobe wasn't the only awesome American versus the Aussies, as LeBron James assembled the first Olympic triple-double ever by a U.S. player, providing 11 points, 14 rebounds and 12 assists. Patty Mills (26 points) and his mates didn't play patty-cake, they came to compete, and came close to gutting it out, even without Andrew Bogut in the lineup. Australia went on an 11-0 tear to open the third, showing they could strike the stars and not be star-struck. But Bryant buried three straight threes during a 17-2 burst, so that before long, even Australia's costumed kangaroo was congratulating him. Like the marsupial mascot, Kobe had a special spring in his step.

A Low Blowout

Team USA learned how to change a close contest into a cinch: let loose the league's three-time scoring champion. What was a mere one-point lead at halftime mushroomed into a 26-point advantage after a titanic third quarter, as a dead-eye Durant drained five threes (and, by himself, equaled Argentina's output in the turnaround third, with 17 points), which drained the energy of an aggressive Argentina team.

Unable to halt Durant hitting a slew of shots, Argentina could only respond with a cheap shot, as Facundo Campazzo appeared to hit Carmelo Anthony in what we'll call his Manu-region. Maybe in Argentine culture junk-jabbing is the cruel cousin of trash-talking. The cajones check caused a crimson-cheeked Coach K to chirp at Louis Scola and spend the rest of the game in his comfort zone, chastising the officials. Thankfully, former Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice, who was sitting in the stands, didn't have to dispense diplomacy (Campazzo did apologize for the unsportsmanlike act, albeit not to the aggrieved, but instead to Kobe Bryant).

Now that preliminary round play is over, Argentina and the U.S. could convene for the third straight semifinals in the Olympics if both win their quarterfinal match-ups. Should the squads square off a second time in London, we expect the sequel to be every bit as testes testy.

Name That Tunisia

Don't feel bad if you were unfamiliar with the northern African nation of Tunisia*, they were participating in only their second Olympic basketball game ever when they tipped off against Team USA Tuesday. Watching the first half, you wouldn't have know that was the case. If France, who the U.S. beat the crepe out of, was a test, Tunisia was supposed to be a tune-up, but the beginners didn't back down. Comparisons can cease between Team USA from 20 years ago and this inferior iteration. The Dream Team wouldn't have been down for a majority of the first quarter (the only thing fell flat with the '92 crew was Chris Mullins' coiffure and that was intentional). Coach K had to beckon his bench bunch before a blowout blossomed. The reserves went into what we call Katie Holmes mode - powerfully pulling away and never looking back.

Still, it wound up being a 47-point win, so, like a chimpanzee concerned with cleanliness, we're nit-picking when we mention too many threes were taken (only Chandler and Davis didn't attempt any out of the 25 heedlessly hoisted). Kobe and company won't be in a sneaker-signing mood on the off-chance Nigeria sneaks up on them tonight. Agreeing to autograph an adversary's adidas is friendly, but now that these games count, they can't be treated as friendlies anymore.

*heck, it wasn't until we we left the public education system that we learned there are continents besides North America and Europe (don't ask us to name them, though).

Kobe's Age-nda

Is Kobe truly two and through? Bryant said in an interview that he might stick to the old plan he made as an afro'ed rookie and close out his career at 35, which also happens to be when his contract runs its course. Will the Black Mamba seriously slither away after two more years, considering he stood second in scoring during the regular season and the postseason, even raising his average in the playoffs? Considering Kobe's competitiveness and conditioning, exiting early doesn't fit the reptile's rep. Why go dormant while still dominant? Like the reboot of Spider-Man, Kobe's talk of retirement is too soon and we refuse to recognize it*.

You can be elderly and remain extraordinary, as the Lakers newest acquisitions - Steve Nash, 38, and Antawn Jamison, 36, - have exhibited. Those grizzled guys should make Kobe feel young again, as opposed to the toddlers on Team USA, where he is the senior statesman by four years. Keep in mind, Kobe: If you win gold in London that doesn't mean you've entered your golden years.

*And don't get us started on the remake of Total Recall. The three boobs this time will be the trio of people who see the pic.