Full-Court Prez

The lousy Lakers could use a wing player and Kobe Bryant has one from the West Wing in mind. If Barack Obama wants to take a break from Capitol Hill*, he has the ability to hoop with Jordan Hill and the Lakers, according to Kobe, who says POTUS is sufficiently skilled to suit up for the squad^ (he'd shift from sitting between two ferns to two scrubs on the pine). Kobe compared the country's current Commander-in-Chief to former Washington Bullet Michael Adams. As an athlete that's acceptable, since Adams was a one-time All-Star, but as a President, there are other Adams you'd aim to be alongside.

We can hear his pre-game introduction now: At guard, 6'1", in his sixth year, from Harvard, number 44, the flyin' Hawaiian...

Before Obama leaves the Oval Office for a rectangular court (which is not what Michelle meant by Let's Move!), there are pros and cons to consider. He'd still be dealing with something orange that can be hard to handle, but it would be a basketball, instead of Boehner. Another German citizen, Chris Kaman, would be eager to take a selfie with him. The only shutdown he'd have to avoid would come from defenders, not Congress. Still, taking charge isn't the same as taking a charge and if a player put him on a poster, this time the caption would change (possibly to "Nope"). What's worse, we think he would have his shot blocked more often than his legislation (or his appointees).

*beyond taking time to film a fake interview and fill out his college basketball bracket

^so are his secret service agents because if you can protect the President, you can protect the paint

The All-Star-Spangled Banner

It's our birthday, so we're obviously an All-Star,* but among The Association's equivalents there were several fresh-faced selections that were told to "get their game on, go play." A half-dozen newbies, one practically a baby, will have reason to rejoice like LeBron James did while visiting the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: "Mama, I made it!"

Six, all substitutes chosen by the coaches, were first-time selections, including James Harden, who will have the honor of hooping in his home arena, since the game is being held in Houston. The other five hail from the East, where defenders Tyson Chandler and Joakim Noah were picked to engage in an exhibition in which D is faked more poorly than Beyonce singing at the Inaguration^. Kyrie Irving, at the tender age of 20, might be made to sit at the kids' table, considering he isn't allowed adult beverages yet.

Rajon Rondo, voted a starter by the fans, whose dynamic dishing was almost designed for the gaudy game, will have to be replaced. Although we say the spot should belong to big like Brook Lopez or jammin' Josh Smith, if the commish goes with another guard, the flashy Brandon Jennings or the foxy Paul Pierce (to be clear, we mean cunning, not cute) are adequate alternates, but what about a magnanimous man in D.C., who convivially communicated to LeBron, "It's your world." The President graciously gave LeBron the floor, why not return the favor?

*Smash Mouth can confirm this
^Senator Schumer's approval of Ms. Knowles couldn't sync any lower. He can't see her halo.

Going Southie

It's info that those in Beantown will find wicked "hawd" to take. Overshadowing the Celtics out-lasting the Heat in double-overtime yesterday was the news announced after halftime, but not broken to the Boston players until the game ended, that prodigious passer Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an ACL tear in his right knee. Rondo is the league leader in assists and triple doubles; in fact, he posted one in the same game he suffered the injury. Prior to Sunday's win, the Celtic's were on a season-worst six-game skid and are trying not to slip out of the eighth seed. If the standings stayed the same in the East, Boston would face Miami in the first round, which is sooner than the C's want to see the squad they squared off against in the conference finals last postseason. Without their floor foreman, the Celtics Rondon't stand a chance.


LeBron James and his Lincoln-looking beard toured the Lincoln Bedroom today, as President Barack Obama, sworn in for a second term one week ago, hosted the Heat at the White House to honor the reigning champs. The Commander-in-Chief, who was given an autographed ball and a jersey emblazoned with his surname and the symbolic number 44*, congratulated the team, but the West Winger worked in some zingers, calling Mike Miller "broke down" and Juwan Howard "grandpa," although he resisted the urge to say either moved slower than Congress when he proposes a piece of legislation, because that certainly would've elicited an eye-roll from Michelle^.

*we're certain the POTUS cleared his schedule to call an emergency pick-up game to play with those presents as soon as the Heat left.

^President Obama also observed that James, in the aforementioned playoffs versus the Celtics, "had a scary look in his eye." The President has seen that look a lot lately, like when he mentions gun control to Republicans.

I (De)Voted

Today, even if he's not re-elected as President, Barack Obama has elected to play basketball. Former White House spokesman Robert Gibbs confirmed that the Commander-in-Chief has asked ex-aide and collegiate hoopster Reggie Love to organize a pick-up game in Chicago. It's a tradition that began in 2008, when the Senator who the scouting report says has an outside shot, had an outside shot at being the Democratic nominee. Running five-on-five with his friends helps Obama takes his mind off running for the Oval Office and his one-on-one battle against Mitt Romney. No word on whether "sport" aficionado Romney plans to saddle up his Olympic horse and play polo.

Obamacareless

We assume Team USA were wearing their Air Force Ones on Monday because the President, First Lady and Vice President were all on hand to watch them beat Brazil in the nation's capital. We also assume they laced them lackadaisically because besides LeBron James - who scored 30 and described playing in front of the President as "humbling" and "overwhelming" - that's how they performed in a weak 11-point win. Paltry passing, minimal movement on offense and shaky shot selection can be blamed for the U.S. being down by double digits at the end of the first quarter. They were putting forth less effort to do their jobs than Congress. When President Obama opined on the Dream Team debate during an interview at halftime, he noted that the Barcelona bunch were never behind on the scoreboard and he'd pick the pioneers to prevail. On that point, even Republicans can concur*.

Instead of bringing Biden, the President might have been better served selecting his Secretary of State because the Commander-in-Chief had to engage in diplomatic relations in order to secure marital relation. Featured on the stadium staple "kiss cam" twice, the First Lady first demurred, but the second time submitted to a smooch. Based on the President needing permission to peck his partner, we now know the pecking order of power in the White House.

*Fact: The Tea Party refers to members of the '92 Dream Teams as the "Founding Fathers," but only the white ones and they all agree that Christian Laettner should've been starting.

Yes, We Cancel

It figures. We have a man in the White House who's passionate about basketball, enough so to invite players over for pickup games, and somehow a lockout is about to occur while he's in the Oval Office. It's looking like more jobs will be lost under his watch. Curiously, the last time an NBA lockout happened, 1998-1999, was also the last time a Democrat was living in the White House (Bill Clinton loved college b-ball too, but not to the extent that he invited an expert to help him fill out his NCAA tournament bracket, which Obama does for the women's side, too, and yet there was no bigger fan of women than Clinton).

Obama needs to take action. If Congress can insert itself into baseball to investigate steroids, then surely the President can intervene to save the NBA season. Speaking with David Stern is bound to be more productive than meeting with John Boehner (and there should be less crying). Please, President Obama, give us what you ran on in 2008: hope. Better yet, give us hoops.

Historically, Republicans have known how to strike fear in the hearts of unions. Does this mean we should vote for a GOP candidate in 2012? Considering the name of his family's vacation home, we don't think Rick Perry would be an effective broker in lifting the lockout. Unless he threatened to put all the players on death row if they didn't suit up. Ron Paul would eliminate referees and allow players to regulate themselves, causing chaos. Mitt Romney would be in favor of health care for players in one meeting and then against it in the next session. The concern isn't that he's a Mormon, it's that he's a moron. Herman Cain might be able to deliver us pro hoops. At the very least, he can deliver us pizza. Because if it's not possible for us to be both fat and happy, we still want to be fat.

Conversation About Miami Still Heating Up

LeBron-a-thon begins tonight -- aka the 2010-11 NBA season. Love him or loathe him, you can expect wall-to-wall coverage of the most controversial decider since George W. Bush. Ironically, John Wall will not receive wall-to-wall coverage -- or even as much as his backcourt mate, Guns and Ammo cover model Gilbert Arenas, who we're sure is dressing as Robin for Halloween, based on his recent comments. With all the attention on LBJ and his cabinet*, no one is talking about the defending champs, except in relation to the Vujacic-Sharapova engagement (which one spends more time on their hair in the morning is a burning question) and perhaps some discussion of whether Andrew Bynum's body is sturdier than balsa wood, but we're sure some sixth-grader will get to the bottom of this shortly at a science fair (preferably using popsicle sticks).

A little more than two decades ago, Public Enemy told us not to believe the hype. LeBron has been branded a public enemy by many. Therefore, we shall follow the sage advice of the clock-accessorizing group and not automatically assume the Heat will win 70 games or award them the championship on opening night. That doesn't mean we're not excited to watch the talented trio, but if the media makes it all about Mia-ME 24/7, there's bound to be some backlash, particularly from astute fans who know the league has much more to offer beyond LeBron.

*That's two Presidential references in one post. You won't get that from other basketball blogs. Unless Obama has started one (ghostwritten by Reggie Love), which is entirely possible. In fact, if he appointed a person to be the Secretary of Slam Dunks, we wouldn't be surprised.