The All-Star-Spangled Banner

It's our birthday, so we're obviously an All-Star,* but among The Association's equivalents there were several fresh-faced selections that were told to "get their game on, go play." A half-dozen newbies, one practically a baby, will have reason to rejoice like LeBron James did while visiting the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: "Mama, I made it!"

Six, all substitutes chosen by the coaches, were first-time selections, including James Harden, who will have the honor of hooping in his home arena, since the game is being held in Houston. The other five hail from the East, where defenders Tyson Chandler and Joakim Noah were picked to engage in an exhibition in which D is faked more poorly than Beyonce singing at the Inaguration^. Kyrie Irving, at the tender age of 20, might be made to sit at the kids' table, considering he isn't allowed adult beverages yet.

Rajon Rondo, voted a starter by the fans, whose dynamic dishing was almost designed for the gaudy game, will have to be replaced. Although we say the spot should belong to big like Brook Lopez or jammin' Josh Smith, if the commish goes with another guard, the flashy Brandon Jennings or the foxy Paul Pierce (to be clear, we mean cunning, not cute) are adequate alternates, but what about a magnanimous man in D.C., who convivially communicated to LeBron, "It's your world." The President graciously gave LeBron the floor, why not return the favor?

*Smash Mouth can confirm this
^Senator Schumer's approval of Ms. Knowles couldn't sync any lower. He can't see her halo.

Going Southie

It's info that those in Beantown will find wicked "hawd" to take. Overshadowing the Celtics out-lasting the Heat in double-overtime yesterday was the news announced after halftime, but not broken to the Boston players until the game ended, that prodigious passer Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an ACL tear in his right knee. Rondo is the league leader in assists and triple doubles; in fact, he posted one in the same game he suffered the injury. Prior to Sunday's win, the Celtic's were on a season-worst six-game skid and are trying not to slip out of the eighth seed. If the standings stayed the same in the East, Boston would face Miami in the first round, which is sooner than the C's want to see the squad they squared off against in the conference finals last postseason. Without their floor foreman, the Celtics Rondon't stand a chance.


LeBron James and his Lincoln-looking beard toured the Lincoln Bedroom today, as President Barack Obama, sworn in for a second term one week ago, hosted the Heat at the White House to honor the reigning champs. The Commander-in-Chief, who was given an autographed ball and a jersey emblazoned with his surname and the symbolic number 44*, congratulated the team, but the West Winger worked in some zingers, calling Mike Miller "broke down" and Juwan Howard "grandpa," although he resisted the urge to say either moved slower than Congress when he proposes a piece of legislation, because that certainly would've elicited an eye-roll from Michelle^.

*we're certain the POTUS cleared his schedule to call an emergency pick-up game to play with those presents as soon as the Heat left.

^President Obama also observed that James, in the aforementioned playoffs versus the Celtics, "had a scary look in his eye." The President has seen that look a lot lately, like when he mentions gun control to Republicans.

Heat Ring In the New Year

NBA (B)All Day's observations from opening night:

The Good: LeBron James shone like his dazzling 219-diamond championship ring, posting 26 points in 29 minutes of play. However, less predictable performance took place in previous province. Rebounding from a wrist injury that caused him to miss most of last season, Anderson Varejao racked up a career-high 23 rebounds and fell one point and one assist short of a triple-double, in a contest between teams with the second and third-worst records last season, that the league tried to bury on the schedule like it was NBC and Cavaliers-Wizards was Community. Today may be about Washington Irving, but yesterday belonged to Kyrie Irving, who scored a game-high 29 points and will continue causing onlookers to(Ichabod) Crane their necks.

The Bad: Not only did Dwight Howard foul out and the Lakers lose in his debut, his Mavericks counterparts, Elton Brand and Eddy Curry, also in new uniforms, combined to out-rebound him, 15-10, and were within 4 points of matching Howard's scoring total. The defeat at home, coupled with an 0-8 preseason, has caused some cries of "mayday," which is fitting since the Lakers last win was on a day in May.

The Ugly: It's obvious Kevin Garnett was shaken up by Ray Allen bailing on Boston, so he's going to great lengths to pull the rug out from under the carpetbagger, shaking off a handshake before the game. True, Allen was wearing white the night before Halloween, so maybe that's why Garnett treated him like he was a ghost. If this was a horror movie, it'd be titled The Grudge, although Garnett's activity is less paranormal and more passive-aggressive.

Hilfiger It Out

Rajon Rondo can get up and run away on the floor, but can he grade getups on the runway (thusly flooring us)? Last Thursday, he began a brief internship at men's magazine GQ for fashion week by sitting front row at a Duckie Brown* show. GQ guaranteed that he'd gab about garb by blogging, interviewing and critiquing throughout the week, but so far he's produced one piddling post: two-sentence reviews of a quartet of humdrum knit hats. We won't be tipping our cap to him for selecting such banal beanies. Rondo's court vision is pretenatural; however, his clothing vision is plebeian. Maybe this tour of couture wasn't garment to be.

*no, that's not Kwame Brown's brother.

Rond'oh!

All of the amazing action of the playoffs since Saturday - Durant's clanging but clutch game-winner, Andrew Bynum's bevy of blocks and triumphant triple-double, the captivating Clippers comeback (or the Grizzlies grand gagging) the Mavs misfiring when it mattered most on Monday - will be overshadowed by the brainless behavior of Rajon Rondo and Amare Stoudemire, leaders who were so livid they had lamentably large lapses in judgement.

Rondo lost it while going for a loose ball with under a minute remaining the game. The call didn't go the Celtics way, so while complaining he clapped his hands close to the official, received a technical, then conspicuously caused contact with the ref, leading to his ejection and a subsequent suspension for one game. He likely cost his team tonight's contest, with Ray Allen not expected to return yet, probably putting the Celtics in a 2-0 hole that will be a challenge to climb out of.

As for Stoudemire, he too couldn't control his temper. His injury is equally self-inflicted and ironic. He couldn't extinguish the fire burning inside him, so he punched a fire extinguisher case outside of the locker room after the loss, lacerating his left hand, which required stitches. His team is already down two-zip - maybe he thought that deficit constituted the "emergency" that the text on the plate of glass warned about* - it looks like he'll miss a minimum of one game, which means brooms are at the ready in Miami and it's not because the Heat are preparing to play a game of Quidditch. Unlike Rondo, Stoudemire claimed culpability for his careless conduct, tweeting, "I want to apologize to the fans and my team, [I'm] not proud of my actions." We feel your pane, Amare.

*attempting to put out the Heat literally

The Pop-ular Vote

Just because this blog will never win awards (unless "Least Read" is a category), doesn't mean we can't hand out accolades to others. Unlike the Chinese, we'll stop short of building a bronze statue for the honorees.

Coach of the Year: Gregg Popovich. The extra 'g' is for "great," which is what San Antonio has been under his guidance. He has the lockout figured out, winning the title last time there was one and quietly steering the Spurs to the second seed in the West. Selective sitting senior starters has been a Socratic - and successful - strategy.

Defensive Player: Dwight Howard. Serge Ibaka rocks the block, but no player changes more shots - or his mind - more than Dwight Howard. First in rebounds per game, third in rejections. Numbers don't lie, even if he does about not advocating for Stan Van to be canned.

6th Man: Lou Williams. It's a hard choice to deny James Harden, since his ppg is slightly higher than Williams, but no other player in the league leads his team in scoring while coming off the bench like Lou and, unlike Harden, he hasn't started a single game.

Most Improved: Nikola Pekovic. Jeremy Lin was positioned to win this in a Lin-dslide, but then a left knee injury ended his season early, so we penalized him for Lin-ping to the finish line. In his second season, Pekovic's minutes have doubled and he's responded by more than doubling his scoring (13.5) and rebounding averages (7.0). Bravo, man from Montenegro.

Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving. "Kyrie" means 'Lord' in Greek and he has fittingly been a God among mere mortals, whether it's other first-year players or his teammates. Now, he can use this honor to lord it over them.

MVP: Kobe Bryant. Last year's bestowal of it on Derrick Rose is what we'd call "Bulls-shit." The Adidas ads bragged that he was "fast" and he sure pulled a fast one on the voters. Like a pre-pubescent prince, Rose was crowned too early. Honestly, we almost gave up on the association, like Lamar Odom appears to have. While LeBron James is averaging career-highs in field goal percentage and rebounds, the Heat have cooled off considerably after the All-Star break. Rajon Rondo likely won't be mentioned, but we believe he should be in the discussion for responding to tiresome trade talks with triple-doubles. Chris Paul deserves a nod for ensuring the Clippers were worthy of the cover stories and commendation that came their way in the pre-season. Kevin Durant belongs among this consummate clique, but he has heaps of help (see: runners-up in the defensive player and 6th man categories) If there was backlash against LeBron for "The Decision" among voters, surely Dwight Howard will face some for the indecision he became synonymous with. That leaves Kobe Bryant. Saddled with a soft, strange team that sent away his steadying influence in Derek Fisher, Kobe scored enough to lead the league, while also showing he can be a sympathetic teammate. He's supported a shell-shocked Pau Gasol and a short-circuiting Andrew Bynum, not to mention brushing aside the bizarre Metta World Peace and the blunt Matt Barnes. The Lakers would be lost and much closer to last without him. He held his tongue when new coach Mike Brown benched him and Odom was dealt at a discount to the champs, so when the regular season ends in ten days, Kobe should be holding the MVP trophy.

Back and Fourth

While the last quartet of teams was being determined in college basketball on Sunday, a far more fascinating "Final Four" was taking place: a quadruple overtime game between Utah and Atlanta, the first since 1997 and just the ninth such contest in league history. The Hawks went on to win 139-133, despite this being the team's third game in three nights, snapping the Jazz's string of six straight victories. 233 shots were attempted, a symmetrical seven players on each squad scored in double figures and the teams combined for only 21 turnovers. Here are four other standout moments from the shortened but significant season, in the order they occured:

1. February 6: Kobe Bryant moves into fifth on the NBA's all-time scoring supplanting former ally and adversary Shaq. The Big Studio Analyst was complimentary, declaring Kobe, "the greatest Laker ever." Asked if there was special significance in superseding Shaq, Kobe says, "No. It was inevitable."* As certain as him taking the last shot in a close game, as assured as the Lakers overtaking the Clippers in the standings, as pre-determined as Mike Brown being blamed for the squad's shortcomings.

2. February 7: Paul Pierce passes Larry Bird to move into second place on the Celtics scoring list, with 21,797 points, in an otherwise meaningless game against the Bobcats. Bostonians have a hard time accepting "The Truth" that Larry Legend has been lowered a level and contemplate carrying out the plot of Celtic Pride as a solution to their problem.

3. February 19: Two-time league scoring leader Kevin Durant hits the half-century mark in game, piling up a career-high 51 points. Russell Westbrook, trailing closely, nets 41, and Serge Ibaka tallies his first-ever triple-double, with 14 points, 15 rebounds and 11 blocks. It's the third time Ibaka has recorded 10 or more blocks this season, making Mt. Mutombo shrink to the size of a hill. The man erases more than a no. 2 pencil of a sloppy student.

4. March 14: Rajon Rondo registers his second triple-double in three games (and fourth of the season), with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-best 17 rebounds for his 17th overall triple-double. The last player to have 17 or more points, plus dimes and boards, in a game was Magic Johnson in 1989. Inspired by a scene in Good Will Hunting, Rondo presses the stat sheet against the window of GM Danny Ainge's office, shouting, "I got these numbers. How do you like them apples?" Then, he proceeds to make love to Minnie Driver

*His drive is almost as impressive as what he drives.

David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.