On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love* gave to me: a high-speed internet connection (because who knows what the heck to do with turtle doves). Here's what we missed while we were without the worldwide web:
1. Santa stuffed a pink slip in Avery Johnson's stocking. Despite leading the Nets to a franchise-best 11-4 record to start the season, the coach was fired two days after Christmas. We think he was ho-ho-hosed.
2. Kevin Durant got thrown out of a game for the first time in his career. He was ejected like a copy of Thunderstruck from a DVD player. The difference being that Durant made it to 41 minutes, which is way longer than anyone who's seen his movie has.
3. Kobe Bryant created a Twitter account. His first message was: "The antisocial has become social." We're glad he joined. He'll need something to do once the playoffs roll around.
4. Stephen Jackson sprained his right ankle stumbling over a server on the Knicks sideline at MSG. The injury brought new meaning to the phrase "road trip." The waitress was allegedly taking the order of Mayor Michael Bloomberg. We're guessing he didn't order a large soda.
5. Returning from surgery on his left knee that has caused him to miss the first two months of the season, Amar'e Stoudemire has a lot to learn from his new head coach. "I've never been taught defense in my whole career," the 11-year veteran said. Good thing high schoolers can't go straight to the pros like Stoudemire anymore - they need a year to take classes. We'll start preparing course materials for "Introduction to Zone^" and "Man-to-Man 101."
*and by "true love" we mean 'cutthroat cable company.'
^Rule #1: Don't zone out while studying.
Showing posts with label Amare Stoudemire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amare Stoudemire. Show all posts
Friday, January 4, 2013
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
For Kobe, "The Worst" is Over
We apologize for our unannounced absence. Would you believe we got completely caught up in the WNBA playoffs? You wouldn't? Would you believe we were working with Rockets rookie Royce White, who has a fear of flying, to solve transportation troubles? We suggested he ride in a Rolls Royce. You wouldn't, either? Would you believe we were busy ghostwriting a series of children's literature for Amar'e Stoudemire? You still wouldn't? You skeptical son of a bitch, smushing our fragile feelings like Kobe Bryant did to a certain former teammate, who he didn't throw under a bus so much as toss him beneath a fleet of tractor trailers. Well, at least it was generous of Kobe to grant Parker double the amount of time in the spotlight Andy Warhol would've allotted him. We think Kobe had less of a problem with Parker's 30 minutes of fame, than his 30 minutes a game. Parker says Bryant seldom spoke to him and brushed off bonding to be with bodyguards. Isolation is Bryant's preferred plan on and off the court. It's possible Kobe believes to figuratively separate himself from fellow players, he must literally separate himself from them.
Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.
*He said he needed them finished STAT.
Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.
*He said he needed them finished STAT.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Rond'oh!
All of the amazing action of the playoffs since Saturday - Durant's clanging but clutch game-winner, Andrew Bynum's bevy of blocks and triumphant triple-double, the captivating Clippers comeback (or the Grizzlies grand gagging) the Mavs misfiring when it mattered most on Monday - will be overshadowed by the brainless behavior of Rajon Rondo and Amare Stoudemire, leaders who were so livid they had lamentably large lapses in judgement.
Rondo lost it while going for a loose ball with under a minute remaining the game. The call didn't go the Celtics way, so while complaining he clapped his hands close to the official, received a technical, then conspicuously caused contact with the ref, leading to his ejection and a subsequent suspension for one game. He likely cost his team tonight's contest, with Ray Allen not expected to return yet, probably putting the Celtics in a 2-0 hole that will be a challenge to climb out of.
As for Stoudemire, he too couldn't control his temper. His injury is equally self-inflicted and ironic. He couldn't extinguish the fire burning inside him, so he punched a fire extinguisher case outside of the locker room after the loss, lacerating his left hand, which required stitches. His team is already down two-zip - maybe he thought that deficit constituted the "emergency" that the text on the plate of glass warned about* - it looks like he'll miss a minimum of one game, which means brooms are at the ready in Miami and it's not because the Heat are preparing to play a game of Quidditch. Unlike Rondo, Stoudemire claimed culpability for his careless conduct, tweeting, "I want to apologize to the fans and my team, [I'm] not proud of my actions." We feel your pane, Amare.
*attempting to put out the Heat literally
Rondo lost it while going for a loose ball with under a minute remaining the game. The call didn't go the Celtics way, so while complaining he clapped his hands close to the official, received a technical, then conspicuously caused contact with the ref, leading to his ejection and a subsequent suspension for one game. He likely cost his team tonight's contest, with Ray Allen not expected to return yet, probably putting the Celtics in a 2-0 hole that will be a challenge to climb out of.
As for Stoudemire, he too couldn't control his temper. His injury is equally self-inflicted and ironic. He couldn't extinguish the fire burning inside him, so he punched a fire extinguisher case outside of the locker room after the loss, lacerating his left hand, which required stitches. His team is already down two-zip - maybe he thought that deficit constituted the "emergency" that the text on the plate of glass warned about* - it looks like he'll miss a minimum of one game, which means brooms are at the ready in Miami and it's not because the Heat are preparing to play a game of Quidditch. Unlike Rondo, Stoudemire claimed culpability for his careless conduct, tweeting, "I want to apologize to the fans and my team, [I'm] not proud of my actions." We feel your pane, Amare.
*attempting to put out the Heat literally
Monday, March 26, 2012
Boyz n the Hoodies
When the Miami Heat had a picture of the whole team taken in hooded sweatshirts, they weren't making a fashion statement, they were making a social statement. The pose was a tribute to teenager Trayvon Martin, who was wearing that garment when he was gunned down by a neighborhood watch vigilante who thought he was a thief, while walking back to his father's gated community in Sanford, Florida, on February 26, the same night LeBron James and Dwyane Wade were participating in the All-Star Game in nearby Orlando. The Heat have followed up by writing supportive messages on their sneakers before Friday and Sunday's games. Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire have also been seen or snapped dressed in hoodies. We've never took stock in the superficial saying that, "Clothes make the man." They certainly don't make a man - or any person - guilty of a crime.
While it's not the iconic image of Tommie Smith and John Carlos on the podium at the 1968 Olympics, it's still a brave and bold move. It may seem like a minor gesture, but it's a powerful one for the simple reason that athletes seldom express their opinions on contentious issues - or on anything outside the sphere of sports - remaining neutral enough to be confused with the Swiss*. In fact, they're often advised against it by their agents, who don't want a stance to cost their clients sponsorships or increase the scrutiny of already over-analyzed stars. In the picture, the Heat have their heads bowed down, but they are a group worth looking up to. Although LeBron will receive reproach for this act from some, this is by far his best "decision" to date.
*Does this mean Thabo Sefolosha is doubly neutral? We're not sure.
While it's not the iconic image of Tommie Smith and John Carlos on the podium at the 1968 Olympics, it's still a brave and bold move. It may seem like a minor gesture, but it's a powerful one for the simple reason that athletes seldom express their opinions on contentious issues - or on anything outside the sphere of sports - remaining neutral enough to be confused with the Swiss*. In fact, they're often advised against it by their agents, who don't want a stance to cost their clients sponsorships or increase the scrutiny of already over-analyzed stars. In the picture, the Heat have their heads bowed down, but they are a group worth looking up to. Although LeBron will receive reproach for this act from some, this is by far his best "decision" to date.
*Does this mean Thabo Sefolosha is doubly neutral? We're not sure.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Look What the Bobcats Dragged In
It appears Michael Jordan's sports birthday wish came true (no, not the one where he's a scratch golfer or the one where he's a .300 hitter). The day he celebrated his 49th year on Earth, the owner of the blighted Bobcats saw his team's distinctly unsweet 16-game slide mercifully expire. Game on in Ontario for first-year player Bismack Biyombo, who tallied career-highs in rebounds (13) and blocks (7) against the Raptors. Rookie Kemba Walker, who scored 14 points, said, "It's been awhile (more than a month, as we pointed out in the previous post). We're overdue." Yup, like a late library book.
Unfortunately, as all awful things eventually end, so too do all awesome things, and we must mournfully mention that the Knicks Lin streak is over. Unexpectedly, New York lost at home to the horrid Hornets, owners of the second-worst record in the league, but it wasn't because of a poor performance from Lin. He tied a game-high with 26 points (Amare Stoudemire also scored 26) and added four steals and 5 assists, although he did turn the ball over 9 times. Coach Mike D'Antoni went with a tight 8-man rotation and Lin's teammates were of almost no assistance; Tyson Chandler was the only other Knick to reach double-digits , with 10 points. Contrast that with the Hornets, who had every starter score 12 or more points. We're not Linconsolable about the loss, but we are coming around to the concept that he's not Linvincible after all.
If Carmelo is still sidelined on Sunday, the Knicks might be Lincapable of defeating the Mavs, who are riding a six-game winning streak (second to the Spurs), after erasing a 15-point deficit on the road against the steady 76ers, holding Philly to a stingy 8 points in the third quarter (Dirk Nowitzki made 5 baskets in the third; the Sixers team, 4).
Finally, the third time was the charm for LeBron, as in his contrite third trip back to his old club he amassed a game-high 28 points in just 30 minutes of work, as the Heat burned the Cavs. You could say he put on a clinic in Cleveland. Lin has been the man in Manhattan, but Friday James reminded us why he's the King.
Unfortunately, as all awful things eventually end, so too do all awesome things, and we must mournfully mention that the Knicks Lin streak is over. Unexpectedly, New York lost at home to the horrid Hornets, owners of the second-worst record in the league, but it wasn't because of a poor performance from Lin. He tied a game-high with 26 points (Amare Stoudemire also scored 26) and added four steals and 5 assists, although he did turn the ball over 9 times. Coach Mike D'Antoni went with a tight 8-man rotation and Lin's teammates were of almost no assistance; Tyson Chandler was the only other Knick to reach double-digits , with 10 points. Contrast that with the Hornets, who had every starter score 12 or more points. We're not Linconsolable about the loss, but we are coming around to the concept that he's not Linvincible after all.
If Carmelo is still sidelined on Sunday, the Knicks might be Lincapable of defeating the Mavs, who are riding a six-game winning streak (second to the Spurs), after erasing a 15-point deficit on the road against the steady 76ers, holding Philly to a stingy 8 points in the third quarter (Dirk Nowitzki made 5 baskets in the third; the Sixers team, 4).
Finally, the third time was the charm for LeBron, as in his contrite third trip back to his old club he amassed a game-high 28 points in just 30 minutes of work, as the Heat burned the Cavs. You could say he put on a clinic in Cleveland. Lin has been the man in Manhattan, but Friday James reminded us why he's the King.
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