BELLigerent

On paper, Raja Bell is a part of the Jazz, but in practice, he's not part of practice. The veteran guard is on Utah's active training camp roster, but the team has requested that he not report. Bell wasn't buying in to coach Tyrone Corbin during his first full year, remarking that their relationship has suffered "irreparable damage,"* but the team has yet to buy Bell out. Both sides have made it clear as a, ahem, Bell he won't be back^.

Ball don't lie, but Rasheed Wallace do. Reports are that Knicks have agreed to CTC (that's Cut The Check, in 'Sheed slang) for Wallace, who retired after the 2009-10 season, meaning he'll have more cobwebs on him than a haunted house. The 38-year-old Wallace adds to already aging assemblage of: Jason Kidd (39), Marcus Camby (38) and Kurt Thomas (39). This quartet is so old, we're dubbing them, "The Golden Guys," and have selected the squad's entrance song: "Thank You for Being a Season Ticket Holder Friend."

At 22-44, the Nets were a joke last season, as they've been for half a decade, but Deron Williams didn't find it funny that his teammates were tee-heeing, post-trouncing. "I think no matter who it is, if you were there every day and you saw what was going on in the locker room you'd be pissed off too sometimes. You're getting your asses kicked and then you're in the locker room laughing about the game afterwards," explained Williams, who found the yuking yucky. He'd rather his pals play their asses off, than laugh them off.


*Like that between Amanda Bynes and BMW.

^It's The Casual Vacancy nearly no one is interested in.

David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.

Reading is Pundamental

Now that Rasheed Wallace is retired -- with the Celtics replacing him with every O'Neal short of Tatum -- and the NBA season is around the corner, he's going to need an activity to occupy his time and it can't be coaching, since he erupts so often he should be classified as an active volcano. Writing a book about his 15 seasons in the league seems like a good idea. He's always been curt with the media, so this would be a chance to open up. While we expect the chapter on off-season conditioning to be no more than a page, we're sure he has plenty of stories to tell. He'll need a title for his tome. Here are some suggestions:
Technical Issues
He Said, 'Sheed Said
It Was a Good Game. Both Teams Played Hard. But I Kind of Coasted.
Let Your Scowl be Your Umbrella
The Need for 'Sheed
Ain't Nobody's Beard Better: Double-Doubles and Double Negatives
How to Succeed in Basketball without Really Trying
That's All 'Sheed Wrote
Ball Don't Lie, But Tim Donaghy Did
One Pissed Piston (or One Ticked Celtic)
Bad Things Come in Threes (co-written with Antonie Walker)