Amnestied, International

Metta World Peace wants to be a world traveler. He's out of the Lakers plans, after the L.A. decided it couldn't keep the Peace, waiving him under the amnesty provision Thursday, and he might be out of the country soon. The 14-year forward has spoken to Yao Ming about playing for the Shanghai Sharks.

China has certainly come across and cared for crazier: J.R. Smith during the lockout and Stephon Marbury, who's been balling in Beijing and burgs beyond for three seasons, collecting a championship for one club (Starbury's working towards a Ducks dynasty). Despite being cut, Peace is keeping his chin up and may need a chin strap to fulfill future plans. "I want to go to China or coach or play arena football," he chatted about his consequent calling.

So, even if Peace doesn't join the Shanghai Sharks, he could still suit up for the Jacksonville Sharks. Apparently, taking the floor - or field - with either team would mako him happy (and we wouldn't put it past him to strap on some skates for the San Jose Sharks).

*If loose cannon Rasheed Wallace can clutch a clipboard, going from pissed to Piston, there should be a spot on a staff somewhere for a slugger of sloshed Detroiters (we wish it had been Kid Rock that he cold-cocked).

Macaroon Five

Metta World Peace is always willing to field questions and it appears he had Mrs. Fields on his mind when addressing Spurs coach Gregg Popovich's prowess. "I just know he draws up plays where he could have five old ladies after they eat 14 boxes of chocolate chip cookies. He'll put them on the court, and they'll win. That's how good Popovich is*," Peace praised. We agree. Heck, Popovich could probably do it using oatmeal raisin (gotta make sure those grannies are getting enough fiber). The key ingredient is shortening, which is also what the Spurs are doing to the Lakers postseason.

*We hope Pop baked an extra special batch for Tim Duncan's 37th birthday yesterday.

Put It On His Tabby

Metta World Peace often leaves people to wonder what he meant. Even more so when he quoted a one-hit wonder. Asked after Tuesday's win how he managed to play only a dozen days removed knee surgery, he kept repeating, "I'm too sexy for my cat," a lyric from the 22-year-old tune, "I'm Too Sexy."* No one in their right mind recites Right Said Fred, which explains why World Peace did. Since reporters didn't catch the reference, his strange shout-out to the song wasn't so (rico) suave.

Meanwhile, teammate Kobe Bryant was feline frisky Wednesday, scratching and clawing his way to 47 points in 48 minutes for a victory to cat-apult the L.A. ahead of Utah. He hopes the Lakers aren't too sexy for the playoffs because missing them would be considered a cat-astrophe.

*Peace was topless while answering questions, thus confirming that he's also too sexy for his shirt.

Opening a Can of the Worm

Dennis Rodman has held a plurality of positions: player, provacateur, peroxide blonde, paramour of peroxide blondes, but a diplomat? That's Kim Jong Un-believable. Rodman returned from his trip to the closed-off country believing that basketball could break the barriers of belligerence that have built up naturally over a half-century of hatred and threats of nuclear strikes from both sides. The star of 1999's Simon Sez says Jong Un, who assumed control in 2011, is an "awesome guy" who wishes the President would pick up the phone; "He wants Obama to do one thing, call him," Rodman reported. Even if it's collect, the young leader is willing to accept the charges.

Rodman talked about his travels on Sunday show This Week with a boy wearing a grown-up's suit, who we're told is George Stephanopolous, proceeded to enrich him politically as thoroughly as the North Koreans enrich uranium chemically. We surmise Stephanopolous had been storing up hard-hitting questions that he's banned from asking on Good Morning America like North Korea stockpiles weapons they're banned from possessing. Rodman wasn't prepped for the peppering and kept stammering, "Guess what?" Well, guess what, Dennis? Today, North Korea threatened a "preemptive nuclear attack," so your second sojourn to see your Pyongyang pal will have to be on the sooner side. This time, take Metta World Peace with you.

Mission: Impossibulls

Metta World Peace is past his prime, but that won't prevent him from pursuing a prime and positively preposterous number this season: 73. That's the amount of victories he professes is a "goal" for the Lakers, which would surpass the stupendous 72-10 mark set by the dynastic and fantastic Chicago Bulls in 1995-96. To accomplish this, L.A. would have to win 89% of its games, a Jennifer Aniston-sized bump up from the 62% it triumphed in last year.

Sadly, The Artist Formerly Known As Artest's outrageous objective is more predictable than peculiar. Like making out in middle-school, Metta is over-the-top, twitching his tongue too much, anxious to go all the way before anyone is ready (Dwight Howard, physically and Antawn Jamison, emotionally). Call us pessimists, but when it comes to setting a new World record, we're not giving Peace a chance.

Bird is the Word

It's safe to say Pacers president Larry Bird found his team's second straight loss to the Heat H-A-R-D to take. After the game, he put a spell on his team, so to speak, adding a bit of verbal abuse to the physical pounding the Pacers endured at the hands - and elbows - of the hotheaded Heat. He called his squad "soft" and then spelled it for emphasis. Reporters did not follow-up by asking Bird for the word's etymology and he declined to expound on what he meant by the monosyllabic adjective. We expect Bird will follow the Scripps Bee's rules and not spell again until the next round. We're not the newly christened executive of the year, but we don't understand how insulting your players - whether intentionally or impudently - is a shrewd strategy. That's our F-I-R-M belief.

H-A-R-D is how we would define the Heat's fouls, but only because we don't feel like spelling 'malevolent.' If people were searching for additional reasons to hate the Heat, Udonis Haslem and Dexter Pittman provided plenty in game 5. Pittman, who must've studied at the Metta World Peace Institute for Excessive Elbowing*, acted as if he was playing Pit-Fighter, not basketball. Thuggish tactics aren't limited to tyros. Haslem and Juwan Howard, veterans who should know better, have both behaved like bullies, retaliating like raging rogues. What's next, brandishing a lance at Lance Stephenson?

*accreditation pending