Position Philed

New Jack City has become Phil Jackson's new city, which is really his old, original city. Jackson, who was drafted by the Knicks and played there for 10 seasons, was named the team's president today. The man with more rings than Tiffany's was on the roster when the franchise won its only two titles and will be tasked with turning this club into a championship contender. That's a tall and time-consuming order; similar to scaling a skyscraper by stairs. And Jackson is accustomed to riding the elite elevator as a coach, taking shortcuts to the top in form of powerhouse (powermansion, even) pairs Pippen & Jordan and Shaq & Kobe. Jackson is stepping up to the challenge, just as Carmelo Anthony might be stepping out for good.

This season, the Knicks have been frequently flattened like pizza dough^ - and players such as Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith have shot enough bricks to build an oven. If he were to immediately implement the triangle with this group of guys, it would be scalene. Jackson, who signed a five-year contract, has no experience as an executive, so although his fondness for Eastern philosophy is well-known, his philosophy on the Eastern Conference is unknown. It remains to be seen whether he can cultivate Madison Square Garden into a zen garden.

*if that turns out to be true, then Jackson really stepped in it

^fitting, as Jackson can be crusty

Left for Deadline

Inspired by the Oscars, we've been busy working on a film of our own, a historical drama about the 2003 draft, Zero Darko Thirty. Much like the Academy Awards, this year's trade deadline was more stirring to squawk and speculate about than it was to sit through*. The most noteworthy move was the reunion of identical twins Marcus and Markieff Morris, who have almost identical stats this season (8.6 ppg, 4.1 rpg and 7.3 and 4.3, respectively)^. Despite the unending uneducated guesses of ESPN rumor-mongers who identify as reporters, there were no Argo-esque escapes for stars supposedly up for sale. Josh Smith is still a Beast of the Southern Wild, while Dwight Howard remains part of Les Miserables, aka the Lakers. All we know is Mike D'Antoni needs to find his Silver Linings Playbook fast, before an unchained Phil Jackson comes for him like Django.

Happy belated birthday to Charles Barkley, who we're guessing spit out the candles on his cake. We're developing a documentary on the "Round Mound of Rebound": Life of Pie.

Speaking of rebellious rebounders from the '90s, Dennis Rodman is currently in North Korea, along with three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, to promote the sport of basketball, by conducting a camp for children and competing in games against the country's best athletes. An abnormal area requires an abnormal ambassador. Rodman might've finally found a nation where insanity is appreciated.

*Sorry, we Shat(ner) all over both events.

^Although it is fun to guess what words poet J.J. Redick (15.1 ppg, 12th in total threes made) has decided rhyme with his new home city, "Milwaukee." Here's some help: thrill jockey, skill hockey and shrill walkie-talkie.

Hire Learning

You could say the Lakers search for a head coach took Seven Seconds or Less. The Lakers decided not to fill their vacancy with Phil. The team opted against bringing back Jackson, much to the surprise of everyone, including the guy given the gig, Mike D'Antoni, who confessed to the New York Daily News, "When I got the call that it was me, my first reaction was, 'Are you serious?'" And, we imagine, Jim Buss, also talking like a teenager, responded, "Yeah, totes. Serious as Jacob's love for Bella!" To which D'Antoni then replied, "This is cray-cray!"

Jackson was thought to be the consensus choice, but rumors are that while he loves the work of Jack Kerouac, he was reluctant to be on the road, due to persistent health problems. D'Antoni and Nash had a productive partnership in Phoenix for four seasons, two of which were MVP years for the guard. As an assistant, D'Antoni has coached Kobe and Dwight Howard on the Olympic team. D'Antoni also carries a reputation as a players coach. Then again, so did Mike Brown. And it was a player, a star fellow, who cost D'Antoni his last job in New York. There are reasons to select D'Antoni, but last we checked, the championship count was: Jackson 11, D'Antoni 0.

D'Antoni is tasked with taking this team to the top and it'll be an uphill climb for him. He has the high-priced equipment, but can he figure out how to best utilize it?* Meanwhile, the Zen master is already seated at the summit, meditating (working through why he isn't working). And Bernie Bickerstaff is seeking out a staffing agency.

*if not, he'll be asked to take a hike