Hand Insanitizer

Metta World Peace isn't interested in making peace with James Harden. The erratic elbower, who returned from his seven-game suspension in time to save the season in the Lakers game seven win over the Nuggets* (15 points, 4 steals), said he won't shake Harden's hand because he's a player who comes off the bench, effectively treating the sixth man like an invisible man. Artest acts like this is a long-standing policy of his, but we think his reasoning is: if your hair can't be as wild as your opponent's, at least your comments and conduct can be. Harden may be a substitute, but there's no substitute for manners, Metta. It's probably best for Harden that their mitts won't meet (this isn't playoff hockey, so it's not obligatory), since Purell doesn't protect against crazy.

*of course the Lakers might've been able to end the series earlier had he not tried out his WWE heel move and been available, although it did free him up to appear on late-night talk shows.

The Lockout Hits a New Lowe's

It seems Delonte West would rather watch paint dry - and get paid to do so - than sit idly waiting for the lockout to end. West has applied for a job at a hardware store. If West has filled out his forms honestly, he'll have noted that he attended but didn't complete college and that he's a convicted criminal with weapons charges to his name. Why would West pursue low-level labor? Well, skull and crossbones neck tattoo tend to scare off those in corporate world (and you can't wear turtlenecks to the office everyday to cover it up). West made over $850K last season, so we don't think a modest hourly wage will allow him to sustain his lifestyle. We're skewering him so savagely because, whether he realize it or not, he's making a mockery of the plight of people who are genuinely struggling to scrape by and someone who earns nearly a million per year should be capable of saving some money for situations such as this.

West's menial job hunt isn't without precedent. During his rookie year, Ron Artest applied at Best Buy because he coveted the employee discount. Turns out it's not illegal immigrants who are stealing work from average, assiduous Americans , it's NBA players. Whether West wants to stock screws because several of his are loose, there are two pertinent questions: 1. He can nail a jumper and grab a board, but can he sell nails and boards? 2. Did he put down Gloria James as a reference?

No Game Hunter

In a discouraging divination, players association executive director Billy Hunter doesn't foresee a 2011-12 season taking place, saying the squabbling sides are "$800 million apart per year," a Shaq-sized gap (maybe in his retirement, the conciliatory center can remake himself as "The Big Arbiter"). Hunter blames obstinate new owners, who he alleges are holding David Stern's "feet to the fire." Make no mistake, if an entire season is lost, the flames from this fire will spread far and wide, burning all bodies involved -- be they owners, players, union reps or the commissioner. We want to follow the Trailblazers, not follow the trail of a destructive blaze. Both sides have thrown kindling into this bonfire of the greedy*.

Unlike during the NFL's work stoppage, players' testiness hasn't manifested itself in truculent Tweets (unless Gilbert Arenas dissing his dates counts), but they have become belligerent while balling. Matt Barnes punched a player in a pickup game (and wasn't ejected), while Michael Beasley took temper troubles to another level by shoving a spectator. In separate youth camps they conduct, footage surfaced of LeBron James forcefully throwing down on a teen, while Dwyane Wade was spotted blocking layup attempts of kids several feet shorter than him, compelling us to pose the question: Are these guys teaching or terrorizing those tykes? We're not sure what Ron Artest is up to at the moment, but there could be money to be made by the mental health advocate in founding a counseling camp for his peers. Right now, locked-out players lashing out against those around them appears to be all the rage.

* or the electric gatorade acid test, for you Tom Wolfe fans