Appetite for Self-Destruction

There's a "gulf" war in the NBA. David Stern casually canceled the first two weeks of the season like it was The Playboy Club. The move eliminates 100 games from the schedule, all but assuring that a full season's slate of games is now out of the question for the second time in league history. "We just have a gulf that separates us [management and labor]," Stern said, adding that axing more games is likely. The first cut probably won't be the deepest, disappointing Cat Stevens as well as the Bobcats.

82 is the number of games each team plays. 82 is also the atomic weight of lead, the heavy metal the league is now sinking like into a gulf. Speaking of elements, there is an element of conspiracy when players association executive director Billy Hunter flippantly said about games being sloppily deleted at the last minute like they were porn files on your office computer, "I'm convinced that this is all just part of the plan." Accusing the owners and commissioner of wanting to lose games as a negotiating ploy doesn't set a civil tone. Maybe Hunter should watch How to be a Gentleman. Wait, that's been cancelled, too.*

Stern went on to say, "with every day that goes by, we need to look at further reductions in what's left of the season." It sounds like a Guns N' Roses guitarist won't be the only guy nicknamed Slash when Stern's through. Except, unlike the band, we won't be welcomed to the jungle because the NBA doesn't have fun or - for the moment - games.

*Players without contracts can't even sit around and watch Free Agents, another fall TV victim.