A Gaga Order

Lady Gaga was "Born this Way," and now she'll have to make way for possible playoff basketball. Sorry, little monsters, the Wizards have moved forward the date of a scheduled Lady Gaga show this week*, in anticipation of a game six being played, although Washington, one loss away from elimination, is about to fall off "The Edge of Glory".

Her fans expect costume changes, not concert changes and we don't know how holding it earlier will affect preparations, but she better begin thawing her meat dress immediately (which gives "skirt steak" a whole new meaning) and taking her enormous egg out of its carton (a precious prop that isn't a dime a dozen).

That's no way to treat a Lady, but there's been no reaction from Gaga, so we guess she's maintaining her "Poker Face."^ Still, we're sure she'll deliver a moving performance. After all, who doesn't appreciate "Applause" in advance?

*and we thought the only thing pushed-up would be her bra

^some songstresses would've fought the changes kicking and screaming

Serpent-Up Fear

Up 3-0 against the Blazers, the Spurs have control, but they need to have animal control. Before Thursday's game in San Antonio, Portland's Thomas Robinson spotted a snake in his locker - meaning there was a moccasin in the very place he puts his moccasins. He threw a hissy fit when he saw the hissing reptile, leaping "five feet high and 20 feet back," because although snakes are legless, basketball players aren't.

By his own account, Robinson, who admitted he had only seen the creatures on the Discovery Channel, was rattled by the snake. Teammate Mo Williams confessed, "we was scared as hell," while Will Barton scaled a chair to escape the scaly beast, so it seems like these Trail Blazers mostly stick to the trail. It'll be difficult for them to crawl back in the series.

Coach Terry Stotts quipped it "sounds like an ABA story," but that tale would've been about snake-skin shoes. Those old-time players wanted the hide, while Stotts' lot wanted to hide.

The Mother of All Awards

How does Kevin Durant spell "MVP?" M-o-m. In his emotional acceptance speech Tuesday, during which the "Slim Reaper" became the slim weeper, he wasn't mum about who deserves credit for the accomplishment, singling out his mama for the sacrifices she made for him growing up. So, with several days to spare before Mother's Day, (show-off) he honored her with touching testimony and a trophy touting what a terrific tyke she raised, which really puts our ho-hum Hallmark card and cruddy candle into perspective* . It's one thing for him to make defenders look bad, but it's another to make sons look bad (he presented her with a pro prize and we couldn't be bothered to buy ProFlowers^).

"Mr. Unreliable" was Mister Fantastic the entire season, leading the league in scoring for the fourth time and posting 25 or more points in 41 consecutive contests. Last spring, he said he was sick of being second, and this season he was second-to-none. Durant's dominance was apparent to everyone - even LeBron, who ahead of the announcement admitted Durant "deserves" it - just as it's apparent which parent Durant loves.

*mommy, if you're wondering why your edible arrangement arrived with most of the melons missing, blame Durant for depressing us

^our mug making us out to be #1 is meaningless, we might as well mail it to KD

Making Chow Fun

Now that the Rockets season is through, Jeremy Lin tweeted that he'd send a pair of his sneakers to the first follower to correctly guess which restaurant he was heading to in his hometown, to which teammate Chandler Parsons - perhaps looking to stir-fry up trouble - replied, "Panda Express."* Rather than (egg) roll his eyes, Lin teasingly called Parsons "Donald Sterling." Come on, Chandler, Lin makes millions now - he can afford P.F. Chang's.

No longer a Golden opportunity: We don't know if they put a hand down, but the Golden State Warriors are a man down. Specifically, their coach, Mark Jackson, who was fired Tuesday. Despite leading the club to back-to-back playoff berths, he won't be back. Remember when Jackson told fans not to attend his team's games (and unless you suffer from short-term memory loss you should because it was last week)? Now he's free to follow his own advice. Mama, there goes that man...to the unemployment line.

Hop to it, coach: We've heard of a sore loser, but never a soar winner. Washington coach Randy Wittman, 54, pledged to his players that if they prevailed in their first round series, he would attempt a dunk. Wittman, who stands 6'6", hasn't fulfilled his promise yet and players are jumping all over him for not jumping. Wittman gave them his word, so he's bound to do it.

Clearing the Air Jordan: A new biography of Michael Jordan discloses his dislike of white people as a youngster and recalls an incident where a classmate called him a racial slur and he responded by tossing a soft drink at her (he was suspended from school because they had a Coke Zero-tolerance policy). Jordan eventually learned it wasn't healthy to keep his hatred bottled up.

*guess who's not coming to dinner

Putting the 'Jam' in "Traffic Jam"

Raptors coach Dwane Casey rode the Toronto subway to game 7 Sunday after congestion caused by a marathon. He tried to drive to the game, but his path was blocked, although it still wasn't the best block of the afternoon on a Raptor (and that's "The Truth"). We hope with the new three-year contract Casey signed Tuesday, it won't be beneath him to take public transportation, especially the underground variety.

This draft class goes to eleven: Ten players were taken ahead of Michael Carter-Williams (heck, he wasn't even the first guard with a hyphenated surname to be selected; thanks a bunch, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope), but he wound up ahead of them all, leading newcomers in scoring, rebounding and assists, and accordingly was awarded rookie of the year Monday. Carter-Williams' points-per-game was quadruple that of the number one pick, Anthony Bennett, who was almost as much of a Canadian train wreck as the Lac-Megantic derailment. Around The Association, and even more so in Philly, Carter-Williams stood out like Tetris on a tall building*

Ocho Cinco de Mayo: Monday, Chris Paul put the '3' in his nickname, "CP3." Paul connected on a career-best octet of them and missed only one attempt, meaning he was draining more shots on this Mexican holiday than a careless - and culturally clueless - collegian (he found the bottom of the net, they found the bottom of the bottle, both got high-fives from their friends).

Just stating the artifacts: The second round has barely begun, but the Pacers and Thunder have already lost home court advantage again. They must have been archaeologists in a past life because they keep having to dig themselves out of holes they've made. Still, they've demonstrated commitment to climbing out^, so we know they won't throw in the towel - or trowel.

*like a lot of our games of Tetris, the Sixers were missing most of the pieces necessary in order to play well.

^except Roy Hibbert, who's seven-feet under, in a riding-the-pine box

For the Winfrey

In basketball, "the Big O" has always referred to Oscar Robertson*, but it might soon be used in regard to Oprah, who has expressed interest in buying the Clippers (Gayle would prefer she pursue the Kings). There could be competition from other celebrities; Floyd Mayweather, for instance, who we think has a puncher's chance of purchasing the franchise. Knowing Oprah, talks could go on for awhile (pausing periodically for breaks). It makes sense that the proprietor of a TV network wants to OWN a basketball team (we can hear the crowd chanting "Oprah-rah").

Mo' money, chemo problems: Adding injury to insult, the NY Post reports Donald Sterling has prostate cancer (on the bright side, his lifetime ban may not last so long). We hope it can be removed as easily as he was (are any of Adam Silver's siblings oncologists?).

Off with his headline: The Oklahoman published a piece on Kevin Durant Thursday titled, "Mr. Unreliable." The sports editor already apologized, but our takeaway is that even Midwesterners put-downs are polite. Still, if that's how they view Durant, they have the vision of Mr. Magoo.

They see him lint-rolling, they hatin': Drake has a clean image and perhaps that's because he's more focused on britches than bitches. Cameras caught the Canadian cleaning his chinos courtside during game two of the Raptors-Nets series. After the attention his hygiene habit received, 1,200 of the groomers were given away to Toronto fans Wednesday by the team. True to his lyrics, "he started from the bottom"...of his pants.

*what were you picturing, perverts?

Overtime and Again

Following four consecutive games featuring extra periods in the Grizzles-Thunder series, the players are probably pooped (the power forwards could use a power nap) and the beat writers must be beat. Trainers have changed the coolers from dispensing Gatorade to 5-Hour Energy.

I can has Hornets? The Bobcats ended their playoff history without a win, using up almost all of their nine lives, by going 0-8 in postseason games over a dreadful decade (avoiding using up all of their nine playoff lives by a whisker). That sad stat lets us lol at these cats one last time.

Missing inaction: What do Donald Sterling and Roy Hibbert have in common? Neither are able to show up for playoff games these days.

United Center they fall: The Bulls lost all three games at home in their 4-1 series defeat to the Wizards. The last thing in Chicago that got dumped so distinctly was the Cubs commemorative cake.

Hear today, gone tomorrow: This week, it was revealed the reason Warriors assistant Darren Erman was fired April 5 was for what we'll call "pulling a V. Stiviano:" recording private conversations without permission. He taped talks of players and coaches for a span of three weeks. His plea to keep his job in Golden State fell on deaf ears. However, he was hired Tuesday by the Celtics, who we assume appreciate his exceptional listening skills.