In northeast Ohio, nothing is given - except complimentary cupcakes. Residents of Bath Township, Ohio may not know the muffin man, but they do know the cupcake man: it's LeBron James. On Tuesday, as an apology for the inconvenience caused by the parade of people and press who flocked to his home pre- and post-Cleveland comeback, he sent 70 dozen of the treats, 840 total, along with a nice note (presumably not dictated to Lee Jenkins) to neighbors - including five dozen to the local police (because having donuts delivered would've been pandering to the po-po).
The decision to bake was an E-Z one. However, the flavor names were a mouthful: Just a Kid From Akron Cherry Cola (strange, shouldn't his soda selection be Sprite?) and Homecourt Chocolate Chunk. Apparently, only thing in that area as rich as James are the desserts he distributes.
LeBron returning to his roots was what Ohioans wanted, this is just icing on the cupcake. He definitely earned brownie points with his neighbors. Perhaps he should ship Kevin Love some eclairs to let him know he cares.*
*with the enclosed card reading: "It would be a cream come true / to play alongside you."
Friday, July 25, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Less is Morey
The MIT math master made many major miscalculations this offseason. Rockets GM Daryl Morey cleared copious cap space, but after Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony declined the dollars dangled (Morey was out of touch if he thought either would settle for less touches; Anthony thinks he should have the ball in his hands more when he plays pop-a-shot) and the only things that rolled into town were Trevor Ariza and tumbleweeds, what's clear is Houston were the failures free agency more so any team in the league and now Morey should clear his desk. To put it in hip hop terms, Houston was chopped (up) and screwed (up). The Moneyball mimic has mounds of money, but no one to ball. His back to (graduate) school essay will be entitled, "How I Didn't Spend This Summer*."
Morey can pour over PER, but what's perplexing is that he parted with Chandler Parsons, actually released him from his cost effective contract, then traded Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik before replacements were ready. Morey mistakenly subtracted before he added; he must've forgotten PEMDAS. Since he solely sees statistics through his Google Glasseyes, that's a combined 34.9 ppg, 16 rpg and 8.6 apg, as those three accounted for almost a third of the points and over a third of the club's rebounds and assists. We're failing to find the Nate Silver lining. Morey has as many advanced degrees as the franchise does playoff series wins in his seven years: one (it turns out MBA doesn't stand for Masters of Basketball in the Association). It's enough (or, more accurately, not enough) to make him cuss his abacus.
Running a basketball team isn't rocket science - or any sort of science. Perhaps the Sloan Conference at his alma mater should invite Jerry Sloan to speak this year in Morey's stead.
*is what we're doing regression toward the mean-spirited?
Morey can pour over PER, but what's perplexing is that he parted with Chandler Parsons, actually released him from his cost effective contract, then traded Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik before replacements were ready. Morey mistakenly subtracted before he added; he must've forgotten PEMDAS. Since he solely sees statistics through his Google Glasseyes, that's a combined 34.9 ppg, 16 rpg and 8.6 apg, as those three accounted for almost a third of the points and over a third of the club's rebounds and assists. We're failing to find the Nate Silver lining. Morey has as many advanced degrees as the franchise does playoff series wins in his seven years: one (it turns out MBA doesn't stand for Masters of Basketball in the Association). It's enough (or, more accurately, not enough) to make him cuss his abacus.
Running a basketball team isn't rocket science - or any sort of science. Perhaps the Sloan Conference at his alma mater should invite Jerry Sloan to speak this year in Morey's stead.
*is what we're doing regression toward the mean-spirited?
Monday, July 14, 2014
Homecoming King
It's appropriate that LeBron James was in Las Vegas at the beginning of last week for his youth camp because on Friday he took a gamble on his future and elected to join a group of youngsters. Who says you can't go home? Not Jon Bon Jovi and not LeBron James. He opted to return to Cleveland, thus rebuilding a bridge in a city where, coincidentally, one was simultaneously being detonated. James had a burning desire to come back, which is not to be confused with Cavs crazies burning desire to light his jersey on fire four years ago. Now, those fickle fans are flocking to their former flame.
James went the Richard Sherman/Michael Sam route and wrote an essay (not a letter, mind you) for Sports Illustrated, so the only scoop his ESPN shadow Brian Windhorst got was ice cream (from the looks of him, it was a double). The prodigal son, who was being cursed in the city as a different sort of son mere days ago, channeled his inner Pope Francis: "Who am I to hold a grudge?," he asked. All is forgiven and Dan Gilbert's gall is forgiven. He hung Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh out to dry in Miami like a two-piece bathing suit, yet they've defended him more thoroughly than they did any Spur in the Finals. Everyone has been understanding, yet we have a hard time understanding his dumbfounding decision. He may be more comfortable at home, but LeBron had better get comfortable with losing.
How many championships will he win in Cleveland? Not one, not two...not any is a possible answer. And he'll have to answer for that. Maybe not in Cleveland*, but everywhere else. In this evermore global game it's not enough to be a local legend. He may only have eyes for Ohio, but the world is watching (as cornea as that sounds). All pupils will be focused on how well James trains his.
*whose cranky citizens have to quit complaining about the sorry state of theirs sports, since they now have Johnny Football and LeBronny Basketball.
James went the Richard Sherman/Michael Sam route and wrote an essay (not a letter, mind you) for Sports Illustrated, so the only scoop his ESPN shadow Brian Windhorst got was ice cream (from the looks of him, it was a double). The prodigal son, who was being cursed in the city as a different sort of son mere days ago, channeled his inner Pope Francis: "Who am I to hold a grudge?," he asked. All is forgiven and Dan Gilbert's gall is forgiven. He hung Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh out to dry in Miami like a two-piece bathing suit, yet they've defended him more thoroughly than they did any Spur in the Finals. Everyone has been understanding, yet we have a hard time understanding his dumbfounding decision. He may be more comfortable at home, but LeBron had better get comfortable with losing.
How many championships will he win in Cleveland? Not one, not two...not any is a possible answer. And he'll have to answer for that. Maybe not in Cleveland*, but everywhere else. In this evermore global game it's not enough to be a local legend. He may only have eyes for Ohio, but the world is watching (as cornea as that sounds). All pupils will be focused on how well James trains his.
*whose cranky citizens have to quit complaining about the sorry state of theirs sports, since they now have Johnny Football and LeBronny Basketball.
Friday, July 11, 2014
King's Dominion
Update: LeBron has climbed in the Cleveland coaster car, lowered the head rest and locked the lap bar. He didn't take his hometown for a ride, after all, although Miami must feel nauseous (hope the Heat have barf bags on hand).
You must be at least 48" tall to ride most of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, but the height requirement to have one named after you is 80". The theme park in Sandusky, Ohio has promised to rename a ride "King James" after LeBron, provided he makes tracks back to Cleveland. With every day he delays The Decision (Over)Deux, the movement is gaining momentum; now, it's added centripetal force.
LeBron has thrown everyone for a loop by considering the Cavaliers, so it's fitting for a local business to return the favor by throwing patrons for a few loops in his honor. Lest we forget, he took the franchise to dizzying heights.
The amusement park boasts 15 coasters, including, interestingly enough, ones called Maverick and Raptor, two teams who'd be at the back of LeBron's line (they'd probably have to wait in the parking lot because they can't afford the cost of admission). Should James choose to come back to the Cavs, we hope his second go-round with them is a merry one. Even if the offer doesn't work, at least Cedar Point can say they gave it a (tilt-a-)whirl.
You must be at least 48" tall to ride most of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, but the height requirement to have one named after you is 80". The theme park in Sandusky, Ohio has promised to rename a ride "King James" after LeBron, provided he makes tracks back to Cleveland. With every day he delays The Decision (Over)Deux, the movement is gaining momentum; now, it's added centripetal force.
LeBron has thrown everyone for a loop by considering the Cavaliers, so it's fitting for a local business to return the favor by throwing patrons for a few loops in his honor. Lest we forget, he took the franchise to dizzying heights.
The amusement park boasts 15 coasters, including, interestingly enough, ones called Maverick and Raptor, two teams who'd be at the back of LeBron's line (they'd probably have to wait in the parking lot because they can't afford the cost of admission). Should James choose to come back to the Cavs, we hope his second go-round with them is a merry one. Even if the offer doesn't work, at least Cedar Point can say they gave it a (tilt-a-)whirl.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Woo Tang Clan
The off-the-court courting has commenced. The delegates have been deployed to lure LeBron, coax Carmelo and bribe Bosh. The effort exerted by entrenched stars varied. Kobe cut his vacation short, taking a red-eye from the Mediterranean isles* to be present for the Lakers pitch, while Derrick Rose cut his workout short, wiping some sweat out of his eye to say "hello" to 'Melo. LeBron let his agent talk to several teams, including the Cavaliers, while he stayed silent. After all, talk is cheap, but James' services won't be. Get to groveling, Dan Gilbert. Considering his maniacal missive was just removed Monday from the team's website, we'd have some misgivings about returning to never say neverland, even if there is finally comic sans relief (remember, it was sloppy seconds for Mike Brown). Here are our best guesses about what will happen as we play the game of Wait Wait...Do Tell Me!
Bosh: The Rockets would move heaven and earth for Bosh - or at least Lin and Asik. If Bosh is going to be a third banana, which he still would when paired with Howard and Harden, the better bunch is in Miami, so there's no reason to, ahem, split. He'll remain on the Heat's Dole, not until the ripe old age Dwayne Wade will, though^.
Anthony: His spouse seems runs his house and she goes by La La, so we won't rule out a move to L.A. Anthony. His coach and GM have a combined 16 rings and the $33 mill. extra he'd make with the Knicks buys his wife enough jewelry to be called "Kay."
James: Pat Riley is scheduled to sit down with James today and we're sure his presentation will be as slick as his hair (true, LeBron has the power, but Riley has the PowerPoint). If LeBron took his talents to a third town or his native non-shores of Ohio, he'd leave more Miamians twisting in the wind than a hurricane. As it is, he's making us sweat like Dan Le Batard in a sauna. We think none of the three amigos goes. They have four Finals appearances in as many years and two titles. Why mess with success, especially to for the mess in Cleveland? A family doesn't break up over dollars (even if Dwyane Wade accepts a salary so scant that he might have to shop at Family Dollar). The lesson for LeBron is: you can't bond as a vagabond. Besides, him becoming a nomad would make almost everyone mad.
*ironic that his odyssey involved leaving Greece
^his banana phone isn't ringing
Bosh: The Rockets would move heaven and earth for Bosh - or at least Lin and Asik. If Bosh is going to be a third banana, which he still would when paired with Howard and Harden, the better bunch is in Miami, so there's no reason to, ahem, split. He'll remain on the Heat's Dole, not until the ripe old age Dwayne Wade will, though^.
Anthony: His spouse seems runs his house and she goes by La La, so we won't rule out a move to L.A. Anthony. His coach and GM have a combined 16 rings and the $33 mill. extra he'd make with the Knicks buys his wife enough jewelry to be called "Kay."
James: Pat Riley is scheduled to sit down with James today and we're sure his presentation will be as slick as his hair (true, LeBron has the power, but Riley has the PowerPoint). If LeBron took his talents to a third town or his native non-shores of Ohio, he'd leave more Miamians twisting in the wind than a hurricane. As it is, he's making us sweat like Dan Le Batard in a sauna. We think none of the three amigos goes. They have four Finals appearances in as many years and two titles. Why mess with success, especially to for the mess in Cleveland? A family doesn't break up over dollars (even if Dwyane Wade accepts a salary so scant that he might have to shop at Family Dollar). The lesson for LeBron is: you can't bond as a vagabond. Besides, him becoming a nomad would make almost everyone mad.
*ironic that his odyssey involved leaving Greece
^his banana phone isn't ringing
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Lilac of Fashion Sense
A tree grows in Brooklyn, and on Thursday night, a tall flower sprouted up on stage, too - although it might as well have been a maple leaf. For the second straight draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers chose a Canadian as the number one overall selection. Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would concede this was a "tipping point" for The Association*. The franchise also drafted a Canuck in 2011, so this is a club committed to keeping it Montreal (in a nod to our northern neighbor, we've tagged this Torontonian trio the "Kids in the Haul"). Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would identify this as a "tipping point" for The Association (the Cavs would be content with a tip-in point).
Lots of flowery language has been used to describe Andrew Wiggins, but that still doesn't excuse his strange suit, which screamed forget-me-not, hurt our irises to look at and was an embarrassment to his carnation. To shop for his ensemble, he must've went to nana, not Prada.
Bouquets belong by Joel Embiid's bedside. Still, as he struck a posy with Adam Silver, Wiggins did look gladiolus to be there. The Cavs are hoping he blossoms into a better player than pansy Anthony Bennett (he fell off faster than petals from a rose, so the team had to replant the following summer). Stencil him in as a starter, but remember: all that glitters isn't marigold. In time, Wiggins may take the Cavs to the promise land, but for now it looks like he's taking them to prom.
Lots of flowery language has been used to describe Andrew Wiggins, but that still doesn't excuse his strange suit, which screamed forget-me-not, hurt our irises to look at and was an embarrassment to his carnation. To shop for his ensemble, he must've went to nana, not Prada.
Bouquets belong by Joel Embiid's bedside. Still, as he struck a posy with Adam Silver, Wiggins did look gladiolus to be there. The Cavs are hoping he blossoms into a better player than pansy Anthony Bennett (he fell off faster than petals from a rose, so the team had to replant the following summer). Stencil him in as a starter, but remember: all that glitters isn't marigold. In time, Wiggins may take the Cavs to the promise land, but for now it looks like he's taking them to prom.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Ultrasound Bite
Many were expecting LeBron to deliver another championship, now his spouse is expecting to deliver a baby. There won't be time to brood over the blowouts because his brood is broadening. Pat Riley divulged Thursday - breaking the news, but not her water - that James' wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl.
The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.
*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position
The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.
*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position
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