Sold Milwaukee

As a billionaire, Mark Cuban might not know the value of a buck, but he definitely doesn't know the value of the Bucks. He called them a "bargain" and "cheap" at $550 million, after a sale was agreed to on Wednesday, so we doubt he shops at the dollar store (and old owner Herb Kohl probably doesn't patronize Kohl's). That averages out to $36.6 million per win this season. Forbes estimated the franchise's worth at $405 million in January, which is $145 mill. less than the purchase price, meaning bargain hunting and buck hunting aren't one in the same. Maybe Cuban has been smoking some of Larry Sanders' stash.

In other major mischaracterizations, Klay Thompson compared Blake Griffin to "a bull in a china shop." That's a bunch of bull, although courtesy of that comment, the series between the Warrior sand Clippers is shaping up to be a pottery barn-burner. Griffin can clear a Ford Taurus (or its Korean equivalent), but that doesn't make him a taurus. He's closer to a cheetah: swift, strong and in complete control of his body. The only plates Griffin is in danger of damaging when he plays are techtonic.

Girl Scouting

Mavericks owner and Shark Tank star* Mark Cuban views the NBA draft as a bear market, and he's got one Bear in mind - a Lady Bear from Baylor. Cuban is contemplating being a Brittney Griner signer. Griner, second in women's college basketball history in scoring and the all-time NCAA leader in blocked shots, is the presumptive top pick in the WNBA draft, but Cuban can see his club choosing her in the second round. "If she is the best on the board, I will take her," Cuban contended. We assume he's talking about Dallas' draft board, not his personal Pinterest one.

At the very least, Cuban pledged he'd invite her to Summer League tryouts. Cuban's an investor, investors take risks and there's no better place to make a gamble than Las Vegas. "We wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't consider everyone," Cuban claimed, which includes giving a fair shake to the fairer sex.

Is this lip service or lib service? In his comments, Cuban comes across as an equal opportunity employer. It's possible he doesn't want to miss out on talent, even if it's a player who should be addressed as "miss." With 18 career dunks to her name, the 6'8" Griner can shatter a glass backboard, so perhaps she can shatter a glass ceiling, too.

*which is sadly not a show that forces contestants into a habitat with hammerheads; instead, participants search for great white entrepreneurs, who have the gills to pay the bills.

No Pacific Plans*

When one of the Maloof brothers asks, "Which way to the beach?," he's asking for directions to the dunes in VA, not CA. Rumors, like ocean waters, are swirling that the Sacramento Kings are plotting a possible relocation some 2,900 mi away to Virginia Beach. The city's mayor confirmed there will be a Tuesday meeting with team officials and cable company Comcast would work with the city to construct an arena. However, the Hampton Roads area has been down this road before, as a candidate considered when the Charlotte Hornets went hive hunting (the big sleazy, ex-owner George Shinn, chose the Big Easy - proving he sure knew how to Picayune a site where there's as little support for the squad as there is for the newspaper). Seattle and Anaheim are other places in pursuit, so resettling on the east coast is not a shore thing.

Not only did Mark Cuban fail to acquire his prized PG, he also fell short in retaining his one from the past season, Jason Kidd, and he's rationalizing the former rebuff, while ranting about the latter one. Oh, plus Jason Terry took off, too. Maybe Cuban should spend less time on Shark Tank and more time in a think tank. Here's a million-dollar business idea: focus on your multi-million-dollar business.

*but perhaps some Atlantic ones

West Side's Story

We feel four-tunate because the playoffs commence today with a quadruple-header. Here's what we see happening in the opening round of the Western Conference:

#1 Spurs vs. #8 Jazz: People slept on the well-rested Spurs almost all season, like Jeremy Lin slumbered on sibling's and ex-Stanford student's sofas, so it's fitting they're facing a team with two z's in its name, since this series will be a snooze. Wake us when it's over. We believe the Jazz will be rudely shown the door the way Uncle Phil did with Jazz on The Fresh Prince.

#2 Thunder vs. #7 Mavericks: This season, it's as if 2011 Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki has been gun-slinging using a pea shooter - averaging his lowest ppg since '99-00 - while three-time league leader in scoring Kevin Durant has been firing a bazooka. The Mav with the most intensity wearing a jersey is Mark Cuban.

#3 Lakers vs. #6 Nuggets: Class is now in Sessions, Ramon (0 playoff appearances). Participation is part of your final grade, Andrew Bynum (8.2 ppg in 21.6 mpg in 62 career postseason contests). Where's Metta World Peace? Oh, suspended by the principal. I should've guessed. Kobe, to pass the course, you must demonstrate a willingness to pass the ball, but if your teammates miss easy shots, we can turn this into an independent study.

#4 Clippers vs. #5 Grizzlies: Beware of a bear trap, Clippers. It might take Davy Crockett to dispatch this ursine unit. One squad dunks, the other defends (fifth-fewest points allowed), guess which wins in the playoffs?

The 'Phal Guy

This is a story of how the Westphal was lost. It's a very short story. Kings coach Paul Westphal was 51-120 in two seasons, so Sacramento sacked him a scant seven games into this lockout-curtailed campaign. We understand that everything has been accelerated in this unusually short season, but either give the guy a little more time or make the move prior to the season getting underway. Coaching transactions weren't restricted during the lockout; it was only players who weren't free to pursue jobs. A 2-5 start for a team filled with callow players (the few veterans have always been reserves) and zero playoff expectations isn't abnormal.

Aside from the characteristic impatience of the Maloof brothers (imagine a pair of Mark Cubans, only dim and douchebaggy),two events sent Westphal packing early. First, Keith Smart was brought in as an assistant by the owners. A coach typically selects his staff, but the Maloofs cleary tabbed Smart to be Westphal's successor, he simply took over much sooner than was planned. Keep in mind, Smart is the same man who was ousted from Golden State after just one year, where he went 36-46. Second, Westphal failed to reign in or reach the talented but troublesome DeMarcus Cousins, at one point ordering Cousins to stay away from the team for supposedly demanding a trade, which Cousins has denied doing.

The Maloofs, whose fortunes comes from casinos, gambled on the combative Cousins. Now, they've doubled down by dismissing the coach. At least Smart has a keen grasp of the situation. When asked what he needs to do in regards to Cousins, that Westphal didn't, Smart said, "Probably have a good relationship with him." The cards may be stacked against Smart because the man he's dealing with isn't playing with a full deck.