(Ger)Man on a Mission

This postseason, Dallas has been dominant due to the downright reDirkculous performance of its often overlooked superstar. Nowitzki knows his legacy is on the line and he's playing like a person possessed. He discussed his determination on the eve of the playoffs, saying a month ago, "We're playing for a championship. That's really the only goal. If we don't win a championship, it's another disappointing season." After absolutely demolishing the two-time defending champs, who managed to be worse to watch than Lamar Odom's reality show, a title is a distinct possibility for the first time since 2006. And this Mavs team is much better than the one Nowitzki last led to the Finals.

Naturally, next to nobody thought that was true heading into the playoffs, when Portland was the popular pick to upset Dallas. A first-round flame-out, not a foray to the Finals, was more likely, given the Mavs' recent history. Pushing past pesky Portland, still the lower seed, wasn't going to convince the critics, so Dallas had much to prove against L.A. Theoretically, the Lakers length and frontcourt size should've given Dallas problems, even though the Mavs finally had a legitimate center, Tyson Chandler, patrolling the paint. The thinking was that, even though the squads had never met in the playoffs, Kobe and Dirk could cancel each other out, but Bynum and Gasol would be the difference. Instead, the Dallas bench, which didn't boast the Sixth Man of the Year, had a three-for-all, that is when they weren't slicing through the lane at will. The bench was nothing short of Terry-ific, bolstered by Barea, a guard who wasn't going to be in their rotation (Beaubois, who's been demoted to "inactive", has given them bupkis). The J's -- both Jasons (Terry and Kidd) and J.J. -- hit their jays. Whether a finance fiasco was at the heart of it or not, the Lakers chemistry turned out to be combustible. The Lakers quit before Phil Jackson did. For once, it was the Mavs' opponent being openly questioned as soft and displaying a disinterest in defense, not them. Oddly, the Lakers looked worn down and distracted, while the Mavs -- who also have several key players in their 30's -- appeared fresh and focused. Their reward for the sweep was 11 days of rest.

Would that much time off while Dallas was on a roll make them rusty? Dirk answered that question last night with a demonstrative "No" by scoring 48 points, missing only three field goals in the process, while going a perfect 24-for-24 from the free throw line to establish a new NBA playoff record. Perhaps the most amazing part of the extraordinary effort was that he didn't force a single shot, which is more than can be said of several stars during these playoffs (see: Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook). Nowitzki smartly passed when he was doubled. He was aggressive when the situation called for it and drove to the basket instead of depending only on fadeaways.

Heads were both shaken and scratched last week when coach Rick Carlisle declared Dirk a top ten player in league history. Some see that statement as dubious, but Dirk belongs in the discussion. His stroke is sweeter than black forest cake. His touch is more magical than E.T.'s. He's the best tall, blonde, long-legged German to grace the states since Heidi Klum. His Deutsche bank shot is money. A championship would initiate that conversation in more circles. No one is more aware of that than Dirk, whose scoring has spiked, up 5.5 points from his regular season average. His game has always been distinct, now his desire is, too. We've doubted him and dismissed Dallas for the last time.

Bear Witness to the Grizzlies

As a self-described "mama grizzly," Sarah Palin should be proud of how Memphis has mostly man-handled -- make that Manu-handled -- San Antonio, the team which held the best record for almost the entire regular season. Tim Duncan turned 35 during game 4 of the series and he looked like he was ready to swap basketball for shuffleboard and sneakers for slippers. The blowout that occurred was not of candles, but the Spurs. Duncan posted a paltry 6 points and 7 rebounds. He took only seven shots and had zero trips to the free throw line. He was passive to the point of being comatose. To put it in perspective, Tiago Splitter had more field goal attempts. That thought alone gives us a splitting headache. The only roster looking older than the Spurs right now is 60 Minutes. Here are more of our observations from the first round:

DeJuan Blair estimates he's lost 15-20 pounds by giving up Whataburgers and strawberry Fanta. Not to be a soda jerk, but at least in this series, the reduced fat has corresponded with reduced minutes, culminating in a DNP in last night's elimination game. The NBA: It's Fanta-tastic!

Maybe the Knicks should've played on a Broadway stage for the post-season, because, due to injuries, they were a one-man show. And we mean a lousy, Colin Quinn Long Story Short, one.

The Celtics slapped the Knicks around worse than LeBron's mom does valets.

It's a shame Pau Gasol's legs aren't made of wood because then it would be much easier for Kobe to light a fire under him.

The only person bringing the Thunder harder than Kevin Durant in OKC is Thor.

The Lakers have to be a-Paul-led by how CP3 has dominated the defending champs. Even Kobe can't contain him. The only people who look more ridiculous while guarding protect the Queen. Maybe Derek Fisher should put on a fuzzy hat. Or the Lakers should've welcomed recent chicken pox sufferer Steve Blake back sooner, while he was still infectious. We doubt Phil Jackson is above biological warfare tactics.

There's no disputing that Paul has vastly out-performed his PG peer, Derrick Rose, whose mere mention brings Michael Wilbon to an orgasm. The phenomenal passing is what separates the two. Not only is Paul more adept at it, but he's also far more inclined to do it, seeking to set up teammates first, and score second. Paul's been dropping dimes like a clumsy coin collector.

The only way to have a hotter hand than Jamal Crawford is to be a glove-less fireman. We demand a re-vote on the 6th Man award and possibly one on the Citizenship award, which went to Ron Artest, who Jason Kidd might say has done "a complete 360" in turning around his public image. Still, with two of the four announced awardsThat's a lot of Lakers bias at the ballot box. Something stinks with Lamar Odom and we don't just mean his unisex fragrance.

Dwight Howard exploded for career-tying 45 in game one and his team lost by 10. Then, he scored 8 and Orlando won by 25. It's pointless to try and figure out what this means, but maybe things are being thrown off by the team's facial hair pact, which is probably angering the sports gods, as it's only supposed to apply to hockey.

Howard is deserving of earning the Defensive POY award for the third straight season, but the fact that Tyson Chandler convinced the Mavs to try this wacky experiment with playing defense, made him a worthy runner-up. That's like persuading the cast of Jersey Shore to abstain from alcohol or at least keep their shirts on for 15 minutes.

In ads promoting exercise, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging kids to "play basketball for one hour a day." We'd like to point out that's 12 more minutes than an NBA game lasts (make sure Zach Randolph receives that message) and most players complain about back-to-back games.

Passport and Shoot

Any schulub can select an All-NBA squad, so we compiled some quirkier quintets worthy of recognition.
Globall Team
PG - Tony Parker
SG - Manu Ginobli
SF - Luol Deng
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
C - Pau Gasol
Honorable Mention: Marcin Gortat, Luis Scola
Dishonorable "Darko Milicic" Mention: Hedo Turkoglu, Carlos Arroyo
Parker and Ginobli propelled the supposedly geriatric Spurs to the top of the West and pushed the pace to make this the highest-scoring San Antonio group Greg Popovich has ever coached (103.7 ppg). It wasn't just the PG who Rose to the occasion with Boozer and Noah sidelined, as Deng played in all 82 games for the first time since 06-07 and only the second time in his career, contributing to the Bulls achieving the best record in the league. Unlike Rose's year with Memphis, this one probably won't be invalidated.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number Team
PG - Steve Nash
SG - Ray Allen
SF - Grant Hill
C - Kurt Thomas
Honorable Mention: Andre Miller, Jason Kidd
Dishonorable Mention: Ben Wallace, Shaq
Allen eclipsed Reggie Miller in threes made, while Nash directed a discombobulated team and declined to demand being dealt to a contender, demonstrating classic Canadian manners. Hill proved again that he's not over the, you know, incline. Wallace, like his 'fro, is a relic. If we gave Shaq a 90's rapper name, it would be "Ice Pack."

Backstabbers and Blowhards Team
PG - Deron Williams
SG - Sasha Vujacic
SF - Carmelo Anthony
PF - LeBron James
C - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Deron threw metaphorical stones at the venerable Jerry Sloan, which took some figurative stones to do. LeBron and Z ditched Cleveland and slung balls at opponents as if they were back in grade school gym class. Anthony congratulated himself for handling the distraction that he initiated. Now that cap he tipped won't fit on his swollen head. He has heard the sound of one hand clapping -- it was his own (his other hand was busy patting him on the back). Vujacic praised his unselfishness and concluded that not scoring points is the best way to help his team win. He can score 30 anytime he wants? Maybe Maria Sharapova's fiancee was thinking of tennis.

Jump for Joy Team
PG - Russell Westbrook
SG - J.R. Smith
SF - LeBron James
PF - Blake Griffin
C - JaVale McGee
Honorable Mention: DeAndre Jordan
Dishonorable Mention: DeJuan Blair
Blake Griffin's leaping is already near mythical. He just might be a griffin because he's built like a lion and soars like an eagle. Smith's elevation in Denver is second only to the Rockies. Post-dunk contest, McGee raised his game. Call him a soar loser.

Mighty Whiteys Team
PG - Luke Ridnour
SG - Kyle Korver
SF - Tyler Hansbrough
PF - David Lee
C - Kevin Love
Honorable Mention: Gordon Hayward, Ryan Anderson
Like the tattoo-less player, the American-born, completely Caucasian hoopster is a species nearing extinction in The Association. Consequently, the list of candidates to choose from is thinner than Brian Cardinal's hair. They may pale in comparison to peers at their position, but even the pasty deserve their day in the sun (just don't stay out too long guys, you'll burn).

It Could Be Verse

Back in his college days, J.J. Redick composed some poems, proving his passion for perimeter lines and pentameter ones. Now that he's sidelined with an injury, he's got some time on his hands (just because he's in the pros doesn't mean he only writes prose). In a exclusive, we have his latest work, The Ballad of the Bench-Warmer.

I sit in a suit and watch from the pine
As my coach continues to whine and whine
There's no ref or call he won't bash
He's uptight for a man with a porn moustache
Stan Van and his star are emotional wrecks
It's no wonder Dwight has 17 techs.

I make plans to party 'til dawn*
With fellow Dukie Chris Duhon
I see Ryan Andersen shoot a three
And oh, how I wish that was me
He reminds me I dearly miss my vocation
As the only other white guy in the rotation.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating
It's not what's eating Gilbert, but what's Gilbert eating?
Never again will he be a starter
His effort is low, recalling Vince Carter
Turkoglu throws another errant pass
That had no chance of reaching Brandon Bass.

Depleted roster leads to another loss
Our bench is thinner than Kate Moss
Just think, I used to be another Duke a-hole
But now I fulfill a critical role
A small victory I've surely won
Just by out-lasting Adam Morrison.

*Ok, I lied -- we're going to Cinnabon

No Pain, No Gaines

Three days after signing his first multi-year deal in the NBA, journeyman and former face of the 10-day contract Sundiata "Sunny D" Gaines hurt his hip in a game and will miss the remainder of the season. However, that time would have been spent toiling for the Nets, so the injury could be considered a lucky break.

A more impactful injury is David West's torn ACL, which ends his season, as New Orleans tries to hold on to a playoff spot. Without West, the team's leading scorer, the Hornets seem to be headed in a different direction: south.

The Heat's holy trinity all scored 30 points apiece Sunday night in a win. Ever the egomaniacs, they're demanding ESPN make a 30-for-30 documentary about their performance. They want it to be narrated by Charlie Sheen and called, Tri-Winning.

Grant Hill, in response to disparaging comments made by Jalen Rose about their college rivalry 20 years ago, wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times. There's no truth that he used another outdated medium to respond, taking to the telegraph to transmit his thoughts or that, following Rose's remarks, Hill's pager "blew up."

A Harvard group has calculated the complete the box score from Space Jam. Next up: determining the source of the magical properties of the sneakers in Like Mike and solving how Marlon Wayans was able to see and interact with his dead friend in The 6th Man.

Stan Van Gundy compared David Stern to a dictator. Countering, Stern threatened to fire the Houston Rockets at him. Taken aback, Moammar Gadhafi pointed out that he never instituted a dress code to his people.

Several super slammers, such as Shawn Kemp and Dwight Howard, have said they were unimpressed by Blake Griffin's dunk over the hood of a Kia. to silence his critics, Griffin has vowed to jump over an Ikea. Basketball in one hand, Allen wrench in the other.

Sadly, the new Broadway play The Book of Mormon isn't about Shawn Bradley. Nor is the revival of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying about James Dolan.

Anaheim is making an active bid for the Sacramento Kings to move to their city, where they plan to rename the team "The Mighty Dunks."

On Friday, Chris Andersen shot a perfect 7-for-7 from the field and scored 17 points in just 21 minutes. The Birdman was a little peacocky about it and started to crow.

The Nuggets are 12-4 since sending Carmelo to what he thought would be the Madison Square Garden of Eden (looks like he's taken a bite from the Big Apple), meaning the road has been anything but rocky in Denver. One Nugget believes the superstar-less squad's success is due to unselfish play. "You can be a dominant player who has dominant games and dominant moments without dominating the entire gym." That's Affalo's creed. Clearly, he's got the eye of the tiger.

A poisonous 20-inch cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo Saturday. We think Kobe might have taken this "black mamba" thing too far. We hope he doesn't take the reptile on the road because we've seen what happens when there are snakes on a plane and frankly, our eardrums can't take more of Samuel L. Jackson's shouting.

Kevin Love Leads a Double-Double Life

Holy, Moses Malone. We have finally arrived at the answer to the highly danceable query Haddaway posed in the earlier 90's (that the Butabi brothers could never solve), "What is Love?" Kevin Love is a double-double machine. On Wednesday night, Love surpassed Malone's record, tallying his 52nd consecutive double-double in ferocious fashion with 21 rebounds, all while hobbling on a swollen left knee that limited him to 27 minutes, in a rare victory for his team (you could say he was working double time. As incredible as Love has been, he's far from the only great thing associated with the word "double." Our list will make you do a double-take.

Double Dribble: The rosters had no real players and there were no designed plays or semblance of structure, so comparisons to the Minnesota franchise abound. Still, let's hope the league doesn't contract to four teams and re-name one of them the "Frogs".

KFC's Double Down: This bread-less sandwich contains more chicken than the Wolves have PGs (the quality of both yet to be determined), the difference being a plethora of poultry is always a plus. It will fill you with a sense of unease, like Michael Beasley. If this can't convince Ricky Rubio to come to America, nothing can.

Double Dare: Kurt Rambis should be slimed for starting Love in only 22 games last season.

Double Rainbow Guy: There's a natural beauty to Love's simple style, although we don't think seeing him in action has made anyone openly weep with joy, outside of Bill Walton.

Double Impact^: What's better than uno Van Damme? Dos. Minnesota can only hope Love has a long-lost twin. Better start scouting Hong Kong orphanages.

Double Dragon: Love can relate to this video game, where you often get ganged up on making winning nearly impossible. Like the NES version, Love must make do with minimal jumping. The T-Wolves are similar to the Double Dragon film adaptation -- watched by a mere handful, deemed awful and soon to be completely forgotten.

The Doublemint Twins: Should be waiting for Love on his hotel's double bed, ready to go on a double date (minus the second dude). The duo know how to blow more than bubbles~.

*TCU knows that frogs aren't fierce unless you give them something sharp, such as a horn or a switchblade.
^For a double feature, we suggest also viewing Double Team, which pairs Van Damme with the rowdiest rebounder ever, Dennis Rodman.
~How's that for double entendre?

London Balling

Blokes across the pond are fond of football (the feet-only kind*) and double-decker buses, but we're not sure how they feel about basketball and a double dose of two terrible teams, the Nets and Raptors (34 wins combined before Friday), which initially appeared as appealing as stale scones or a beardless Russell Brand. What at first glance seemed to be bollocks unexpectedly turned into dog's bollocks^, because on Saturday, the lords and ladies in attendance were treated to a triple overtime thriller. More buzzers sounded than in a Jeopardy game. Scores were higher than when Cambridge students take standardized tests (the lowest point total was 103). Less defense was played than during the All-Star Game, despite only one all-star participating. A tip of the driver's cap/hoist of the pint glass to Deron Williams, who insisted on making the trip, despite wrist and hand injuries, displaying a Jason Statham-level of toughness and passing so deftly (29 assists total) that Man U wants to sign him to shore up the midfield.

Nets coach Avery Johnson, after his squad (chimney) swept the series, gave credit to the Raptors and perhaps astutely addressed the cultural difference in athletics when he noted, "Unfortunately, these games don't end in a tie." That might've been the only way they disappointed the Brits, who don't understand that to Americans, sports is all about winning~.

David Stern must be chuffed. All in all, a pair of otherwise forgettable teams provided at least an entertaining exhibition, if not memorable matchup, and put on a jolly good show. Only time will tell if this helped London bridge the basketball gap between the nations.

* Maybe Rex Ryan would enjoy that version more.
^Byron, Keats and Wordsworth would be proud of what the English language has become.
~Maybe we could send Charlie Sheen over to impart some lessons on "winning."