There Can Be Only Uno

As LeBron James and Kevin Durant hunt for hardware on the hardwood, Roy Hibbert and Jeremy Lin searched their surroundings for silly souvenirs on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The conclusion: Hibbert cheats*, knows white people on a more intimate level than Lin and is willing to pay a premium for a pooch (Lin could purchase 150 watches for the price of Hibbert's puppy). Once the prize was announced, we wondered if winning was worth it, but maybe a competition involving mad dashes does deserve mad Kardashians, scavengers in their own right (of sports stars).

*whether it's at cards or just with cards, we don't know

Crunch Time?

It's too late for Kris Humphries to check himself because he already wrecked himself with his mini-marriage to Kim Kardashian (the vows were amended to "'til death to us part... or the end of daylight savings time this year, whichever.") so he might as well check others - on the ice. That's the thinking behind the Syracuse Crunch, minor league hockey team, offering the free agent a place on its roster or in its front office.*

The AHL club's press release describes Humphries as a "scorned husband" and goes on assert that his life became "a running national joke" at the expense of his ex-wife. That should be a minor penalty for roughing the remnants of his ego. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, Crunch (or didn't the Captain teach you that^?) They assume Humphries loves hockey because he grew up in Minnesota. Stereotyping Minnesotans? As soon as they finish shopping at the Mall of America, you're going to hear from them, Crunch, in the form of a polite letter composed on Target stationary.

Still, without an NBA contract, Humphries should consider the deal. What better way to get over an ice queen than to get on the ice.

*With multiple positions open, we're thinking of submitting an application even though our understanding of hockey begins and ends with "The Mighty Ducks."
^We assume the team's name comes from a popular cereal.

Getting Over the Hump(hries)

On Halloween, Kris Humphries learned he married a witch. His inadvisable marriage to Kim Kardashian lasted a scant 72 days before she filed for divorce, which was just slightly more time than the E! special on their nuptials aired for. There are probably wedding presents she hadn't even opened yet.

You might as well go ahead and eat that saved piece of cake in the freezer, Kris. At least the dessert, unlike your wife, is sweet and has layers. Enjoy the treat because unfortunately, you got tricked.

Here's a fun fact: As of October 31, the lockout had lasted 51 more days than their matrimony - or, as Kim spells it, "matrimoney."