Pierre the Pelican, who has been terrifying tykes (making the mascot more of a repelican), underwent beak reduction surgery, the team reported. Let's hope the doctor who operated on him wasn't a quack. Next up in New Orleans to go under the knife: (or at least the razor) Anthony Davis' unibrow*.
A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.
Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.
Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.
*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.
^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?
Friday, February 14, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Go Tell It On the Mountain
When LeBron James peaks, it's exciting; when he speaks about peaks, it's egomaniacal. In an interview that will air next Monday on NBA TV, the non-presidential LBJ said, "I'm going to be one of the top four to play this game", when asked about his made-up 'Mount Rushmore' of roundball. Yes, he's the face of the Association today, but does his mug belong among basketball's best? Let's not Rushmore to judgement.
He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.
Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.
Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.
Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.
Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.
*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday
^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone
He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.
Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.
Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.
Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.
Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.
*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday
^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone
Monday, December 23, 2013
Jingle Balls
Aside from spiked eggnog and socking shoppers in search of savings on Black (Eye) Friday, nothing puts us in the holiday spirit like a seasonal song, whether it's about an affair with an intruder or a reindeer with road rage. We don't what Kris Kringle list we're on this year, but we do know what's on our playlist: this catchy jingle. We're so infatuated with the instrumental that we find ourselves adding lyrics, like, "Oh, what fun it is to shoot in a five-hoop open gym" and "bells on Bobcats' tails ring."
Unless James Harden dyes his beard white and puts on a fat, not form-fitting red suit, this is the most yuletide thing you'll see NBA superstars do (Dionte Christmas dressing as Father Christmas and DeMarre Carroll singing carols don't count). The ditty is so pretty, it made us forget that one-third of the players participating in the merry music-making won't even be wearing a uniform - sleeved or otherwise - come the Christmas quintuple-header. Who knew dogs barking the tune could be topped*?
*Don't you dare say the ballad bashing Batman is better.
Unless James Harden dyes his beard white and puts on a fat, not form-fitting red suit, this is the most yuletide thing you'll see NBA superstars do (Dionte Christmas dressing as Father Christmas and DeMarre Carroll singing carols don't count). The ditty is so pretty, it made us forget that one-third of the players participating in the merry music-making won't even be wearing a uniform - sleeved or otherwise - come the Christmas quintuple-header. Who knew dogs barking the tune could be topped*?
*Don't you dare say the ballad bashing Batman is better.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Constellation Prize
What do you buy a man who can afford almost anything? If you're scholarly Shane Battier, brainstorming ideas for the Miami Heat's Secret Santa exchange, the answer is obvious: a telescope*. That's the present Battier gave Chris Bosh. Other items received by players included wine, a painting and designer luggage, so Bosh might not be over the moon about his haul. We're sure Bosh will find space for it in the back of a closet (or, if he likes it, his observatory^).
Of course, if Bosh wants to see stars, he should look on the court, not up at the cosmos. When we think about it, a telescope is probably a better bounty for LeBron; he can use the device to stare at Saturn, looking longingly at all its rings.
*because a rock tumbler would be tacky.
^ perhaps his new hobby will lead to a friendship with fellow hoopster and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson Chandler.
Of course, if Bosh wants to see stars, he should look on the court, not up at the cosmos. When we think about it, a telescope is probably a better bounty for LeBron; he can use the device to stare at Saturn, looking longingly at all its rings.
*because a rock tumbler would be tacky.
^ perhaps his new hobby will lead to a friendship with fellow hoopster and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson Chandler.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Airborne Jordan
Talk about sick pay. A pair of Michael Jordan's sneakers - or should we say "sneezekers?" - from his famous influenza game* in the 1997 Finals sold at auction on Thursday, shattering the record for game-worn shoes by selling for over three-times the previous high, set by another set of MJ's used shoes. Bidding, like Jordan during that game 5 victory, was feverish, with the winner consenting to cough up $104,765 in cold cash.
The seller was a former Utah Jazz ball boy, who said Jordan rewarded him for fetching him applesauce (imagine how much memorabilia whoever serves Jordan his snacks when he enters a retirement home will receive). The buyer's identity hasn't been made public, but whoever it is certainly is a wealthy collector. After all, you can't spell "affluent" without 'flu.'
*Years after the fact, Jordan's trainer alleged his Airness's illness was due to food poisoning from a pizza (Jordan later learned his lesson by always ordering the same two toppings: pepperoni and Pepcid). This could be true, since Jordan was living in Chicago, his body had likely not tasted a traditional, non-terrible pie.
The seller was a former Utah Jazz ball boy, who said Jordan rewarded him for fetching him applesauce (imagine how much memorabilia whoever serves Jordan his snacks when he enters a retirement home will receive). The buyer's identity hasn't been made public, but whoever it is certainly is a wealthy collector. After all, you can't spell "affluent" without 'flu.'
*Years after the fact, Jordan's trainer alleged his Airness's illness was due to food poisoning from a pizza (Jordan later learned his lesson by always ordering the same two toppings: pepperoni and Pepcid). This could be true, since Jordan was living in Chicago, his body had likely not tasted a traditional, non-terrible pie.
Monday, December 2, 2013
The NBA: It's Fantatastic!
One shouldn't cry over spilled milk, the saying goes, but spilled soda is a different story - especially when the cola in question winds up costing you $50,000. Jason Kidd's soft drink took a hard fall with 8.3 seconds left on Wednesday with the Nets down by two and out of timeouts. Kidd mouthed "hit me" to guard Tyshawn Taylor as he was coming off the court, causing Kidd to Sun Drop his drink and use the cleanup time to strategize with his squad. At 4-10, he was thirsting for a win. Kidd got himself out of one sticky situation by initiating another.
This incident is exactly why former mayor Michael Bloomberg attempted to ban big beverages. He was unsuccessful and so was Kidd, as the Nets still lost and the coach was fined $50K for behaving like a soda jerk. Kidd has asked the league to put it on his Tab. We've learned the play he was designed was a pick and pop. A contrite Kidd has promised not to try the tactic again unless he's 7Up.
This incident is exactly why former mayor Michael Bloomberg attempted to ban big beverages. He was unsuccessful and so was Kidd, as the Nets still lost and the coach was fined $50K for behaving like a soda jerk. Kidd has asked the league to put it on his Tab. We've learned the play he was designed was a pick and pop. A contrite Kidd has promised not to try the tactic again unless he's 7Up.
Friday, November 8, 2013
The Right Stuff
We're well aware that we've been less active than a middle-aged Midwesterner* (we've still been away less time than Greg Oden - and can jump higher), but we're back and so is a beloved b-ball show from the nonpareil nineties. So dust off your denim overalls (leaving one strap unsnapped, of course) your Starter pullover jacket and your Fila high tops because NBA Inside Stuff is back on the air, after an 8-year absence. The influential infotainment show ran from 1990-2005, first on NBC, then moving to ABC in 2002.
After binging on Saturday morning cartoons (there was no such thing as too much TMNT), it was time for the host whose name rhymed, Ahmad Rashad, and the willowly Willow Bay to catch the viewer up with what players did on the court, then capture what they were like off the court. Rashad was capable of getting chummy with even standoffish stars. If Myspace had been around at that time, he'd have even more friends than Tom.
The program resumed on November 2 on NBA TV and the anchor seats are now occupied by eye candy Kristen Ledlow and brain candy Grant Hill. Will this revamped version be a hit with virgin viewers? We're not sure, since kids today probably don't understand the term "rewind" (we've tried to explain that it's what you had to do to VHS tapes before you could return them to the video store, but those whippersnappers didn't know the words "VHS," "video," or "store"). So, the main question becomes: Who will be Grant Hill's "main man" each week? Keep in mind, Grant, that a bottle of Sprite doesn't count as a person.
*we were busy working on our no-help, self-help book, Master Your Mediocrity!, the follow-up to the failed Achieve Your Averageness! and pitching our game show for the Food Network, Wheel of Fortune Cookie, where buying consonants is more critical than vowels (hosted by China White, aka Kelly Hu).
After binging on Saturday morning cartoons (there was no such thing as too much TMNT), it was time for the host whose name rhymed, Ahmad Rashad, and the willowly Willow Bay to catch the viewer up with what players did on the court, then capture what they were like off the court. Rashad was capable of getting chummy with even standoffish stars. If Myspace had been around at that time, he'd have even more friends than Tom.
The program resumed on November 2 on NBA TV and the anchor seats are now occupied by eye candy Kristen Ledlow and brain candy Grant Hill. Will this revamped version be a hit with virgin viewers? We're not sure, since kids today probably don't understand the term "rewind" (we've tried to explain that it's what you had to do to VHS tapes before you could return them to the video store, but those whippersnappers didn't know the words "VHS," "video," or "store"). So, the main question becomes: Who will be Grant Hill's "main man" each week? Keep in mind, Grant, that a bottle of Sprite doesn't count as a person.
*we were busy working on our no-help, self-help book, Master Your Mediocrity!, the follow-up to the failed Achieve Your Averageness! and pitching our game show for the Food Network, Wheel of Fortune Cookie, where buying consonants is more critical than vowels (hosted by China White, aka Kelly Hu).
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