The Price is Dwight

L.A. Lakers, come on down! The Orlando Magic finally found a contestant eager to play a game involving a great that was getting to be grating. The Lakers underbid, yet still succeeded in the showcase showdown, snatching the big prize: the league's best big man. The Magic were content to clear out Howard for a crappy consolation gift - the equivalent of a chinet set or a lifetime supply of off-brand motor oil - in Al Harrington, Aaron Afflalo, Nikola Vucevic, Moe Harkless and three future draft picks - one each from the trio of other teams included. Two other all-stars were traded - Andrew Bynum and active Olympian Andre Iguodala - but neither are moving to the Magic Kingdom; their final destinations are Philly and Denver, respectively, where Iguodala will run and gun with the nimble Nuggets, while Bynum might be one and done with the speculative Sixers, who hope Bynum will be hooked on his hometown team.

The seismic swap doesn't leave the Magic empty-handed (Afflalo is above-average), but it might mean that they're empty-headed*. They let the Lakers convert their cantankerous center for the superior and slightly less sulky one, which resulted in a restocking of their twin towers of power. Although not the level of larceny at work in landing Gasol, the buy-low scenario made it easy for the Lakers to say "bye" to the bi-polar Bynum. For Orlando, the headache is gone, but the massive migraine will start soon. Better pop some Superman-strength Advil.

*We recommend having the executives spayed and neutered.

Down Under Goes Australia

Mostly missing in action in the Olympics and held scoreless in the first half, Kobe Bryant piled up 20 points in the last 20 minutes of the game to assert himself against Australia. Kobe, who had been viewing voluminous victories from the distance of the bench, this time was involved late and did it from distance - connecting on six three-pointers - to distance Team USA from its feisty foe in the fourth quarter.

Kobe wasn't the only awesome American versus the Aussies, as LeBron James assembled the first Olympic triple-double ever by a U.S. player, providing 11 points, 14 rebounds and 12 assists. Patty Mills (26 points) and his mates didn't play patty-cake, they came to compete, and came close to gutting it out, even without Andrew Bogut in the lineup. Australia went on an 11-0 tear to open the third, showing they could strike the stars and not be star-struck. But Bryant buried three straight threes during a 17-2 burst, so that before long, even Australia's costumed kangaroo was congratulating him. Like the marsupial mascot, Kobe had a special spring in his step.

Cruel Summer Camp

If the word "camp" is, as John Waters once defined it on the Simpsons, "the tragically ludicrous, the ludicrously tragic," then Dwight Howard not attending the camp for kids that carries his name is just that: camp. Howard had already delayed the annual two-day event by six weeks because his is in L.A. rehabbing, but backing it up turned to backing out, due to a bad bad, so the $199 registration fee will bring backup Andrew Nicholson - who not even the league's website can show you what he looks like (attendees will have to identify him by his Canadianness, such as the way he pronounces "Orlando")- to the young'uns. Just because Howard's an unhappy camper doesn't mean he has to make his own campers unhappy, too. Howard's acting more childish than any youth who signed up.

If you don't tire of learning Jeremy Lin news, you'll want to keep track of the Linformation that Taiwan tire company Maxxis struck a deal to sponsor the Houston Rockets. Like their rival manufacturer, Maxxis is hoping for a Goodyear out of Lin. There's a more obvious brand that should've burned rubber to link itself with Houston's new PG. After all, you can't spell "Michelin" without 'lin.'

A Low Blowout

Team USA learned how to change a close contest into a cinch: let loose the league's three-time scoring champion. What was a mere one-point lead at halftime mushroomed into a 26-point advantage after a titanic third quarter, as a dead-eye Durant drained five threes (and, by himself, equaled Argentina's output in the turnaround third, with 17 points), which drained the energy of an aggressive Argentina team.

Unable to halt Durant hitting a slew of shots, Argentina could only respond with a cheap shot, as Facundo Campazzo appeared to hit Carmelo Anthony in what we'll call his Manu-region. Maybe in Argentine culture junk-jabbing is the cruel cousin of trash-talking. The cajones check caused a crimson-cheeked Coach K to chirp at Louis Scola and spend the rest of the game in his comfort zone, chastising the officials. Thankfully, former Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice, who was sitting in the stands, didn't have to dispense diplomacy (Campazzo did apologize for the unsportsmanlike act, albeit not to the aggrieved, but instead to Kobe Bryant).

Now that preliminary round play is over, Argentina and the U.S. could convene for the third straight semifinals in the Olympics if both win their quarterfinal match-ups. Should the squads square off a second time in London, we expect the sequel to be every bit as testes testy.

'Ello, 'Melo*

As Nigerian author Chinua Achebe is aware, Things Fall Apart. In this instance, that 'thing' was their basketball team. The good news for Nigeria is that they scored 73 points, which is the most a foe has totaled against Team USA in the 2012 Olympics thus far. The not nearly as good news is that they lost by 83 points, effortlessly eradicated by the widest winning margin in Olympic hoops history, as well as the highest amount of points. Both records and their rivals' resolve were broken.

Nigeria's nightmare manifested itself in the form of Carmelo Anthony, who made the most of his 14 minutes of action, exploding like a stick of dynamite dressed as a small forward, for 37 points, setting a U.S. mark. Anthony's shooting was so hot (13-16 from the field) he might've melted the nets. His fantastic firing from beyond the arc - he hit 10 of 12 treys - was beyond belief. The team as a whole torched the twine as well, swishing 71% of its attempts. 'Melo was in the zone, while Nigeria was in The Twilight Zone, behind by 24 after the first quarter and it only got worse, as their scoring total steadily declined every subsequent quarter. Right away, Team USA reeled off a 13-0 run and before Nigeria could counter they were buried like a high school class's time capsule - only with more shameful stuff to scrutinize. Coach K recommended that Nigeria flush the game film, but we're not privy to their plans. That brings to mind the British idiom: You win some, you loo some.

*We know, he's cocky, not Cockney.

Name That Tunisia

Don't feel bad if you were unfamiliar with the northern African nation of Tunisia*, they were participating in only their second Olympic basketball game ever when they tipped off against Team USA Tuesday. Watching the first half, you wouldn't have know that was the case. If France, who the U.S. beat the crepe out of, was a test, Tunisia was supposed to be a tune-up, but the beginners didn't back down. Comparisons can cease between Team USA from 20 years ago and this inferior iteration. The Dream Team wouldn't have been down for a majority of the first quarter (the only thing fell flat with the '92 crew was Chris Mullins' coiffure and that was intentional). Coach K had to beckon his bench bunch before a blowout blossomed. The reserves went into what we call Katie Holmes mode - powerfully pulling away and never looking back.

Still, it wound up being a 47-point win, so, like a chimpanzee concerned with cleanliness, we're nit-picking when we mention too many threes were taken (only Chandler and Davis didn't attempt any out of the 25 heedlessly hoisted). Kobe and company won't be in a sneaker-signing mood on the off-chance Nigeria sneaks up on them tonight. Agreeing to autograph an adversary's adidas is friendly, but now that these games count, they can't be treated as friendlies anymore.

*heck, it wasn't until we we left the public education system that we learned there are continents besides North America and Europe (don't ask us to name them, though).

Jacque Strapped

We can only hope that you didn't strike a poorly-padded wall in frustration, a la Kyrie Irving, while we were away. Speaking of dubious decisions, first-time head coach Jacque Vaughn has something in common with the new Community showrunners - he's inheriting a massive mess made by management coupled with a disgruntled diva (although Dwight Howard's back should be healthier than Chevy Chase's) and a terrible, trifling TV schedule.

Vaughn, who spent two seasons as an assistant in San Antonio, addressed his inexperience: "Would my resume look a little nicer if it said 14 years of experience? Maybe so." Any amount of years between one and his hypothetical number would be better. For the record, 14 is twice as many seasons as his predecessor had under his belt (Stan Van Gundy also had a lot more stomach under his belt). Vaughn's greener than our currency. Vaughn also admitted he has "no relationship" with the huffy Howard.

A hypnotist might've been the ideal hire because preternatural powers of persuasion might be necessary to keep Howard in Orlando, since he's set on swapping Disney's Dumbo for Brooklyn's DUMBO. Good luck taming the elephant in the room before the circus turns chaotic.