NBA Season's Greetings

You heard it here last: A tentative agreement was reached late Friday night* and it looks like the lockout has been lifted. You could categorize this truce as a "Christmas miracle," since that's the day the shortened season is scheduled to start on, thus confirming that professional basketball is truly the greatest gift of all (because peace on earth wouldn't be much to watch and all our goodwill towards men goes out the window after hearing those donation bells clanging for more than a month).

The plan is for 66 regular season games, with 48 conference games. We like those numbers. We associate 66 with Route 66, one of the most famous highways in America, and reminds of a simpler time when the open road was an adventure and gas was affordable; while 48 calls to mind 48 Hours and reminds us of a better time when Eddie Murphy made funny movies^.

In the end, decimal points may have been the difference. Under the deal, players will receive 51.2% of all basketball-related income, down from 57% last year, but the divide being slightly in labors' favor was essential to ending the lockout. Owners yielded on several key points, including backing off of a hard salary cap that can't be exceeded, reducing the rookie wage scale and eliminating contract extensions prior to trades. From the details that have emerged, it appears the players got a decent deal, better than the one that was supposedly the league's "final offer."

On Twitter, Kevin Durant summed up our rapturous reaction when he wrote: If this is true I am bouta go wake my mom n grandma up and put on a suit and thunder hat and cry! We were tempted to do the same (minus the suit, unless he meant a jump suit) and our loved ones are an 8-hour car ride away.

The impasse is over and fans didn't have to march in Manhattan protesting to prompt progress, although, if necessary, we were prepared to occupy John Wall's street.

*We'll take the credit for this, since a day after snapping the turkey wishbone and asking for an agreement our wish was granted. Maybe the negotiations needed a genie instead of an arbiter. Ok, you caught us in a lie, we didn't break the wishbone or even eat turkey on Thanksgiving, but we did chow down on a bowl of Lucky Charms and that has to count for something.

^These were actually times before we were born and when we were less than 1, respectively.

Decertifiably Crazy

The NBA now stands for Needless Blood-sucking Attorneys*. The players' union suing the league is about as smart a strategy as stealing 7'6" Shawn Bradley's bicycle^.

Fitting, since the NBA season is in jeopardy, that Chris Paul went on Family Feud. Survey says: they stunk. The wheel of fortune did not spin his way and if the lockout drags on, players considering going on that game show might not be able to afford to buy a vowel. The fear factor of a lost season is increasing every day and we'd hate to see Joe Johnson embarrassing himself for a few grand in front of Joe Rogan (then again, we hate to see Joe Rogan at all). Something else for NBA players to consider is that most can't fit comfortably in the Cash Cab.

Our idea for a game show is: Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Again? It's either that or The Mark Price is Right.

*They're like vampires - they speak in archaic terms, have heavily-gelled hair and under no circumstances should you let them into your house.

^ Mitt Romney's just happy a Mormon is in the news.

Boomshakalockout!

If you were a youngster growing up in the '90s, regardless of whether you cared about the NBA, you were captivated by the 2-on-2 basketball arcade game, NBA Jam*, Midway's smashing, successful sequel to Arch Rivals. Beyond the sheer simplicity of its pick-up-and-play style, the appeal for hoops fans was the official license from the league to use the real teams' names, as well as the revolutionary incorporation of digitized faces of actual players (except Michael Jordan, who, to this day, is still an obstinate dick - only about the lockout, not his video game likeness). For the first time, it felt like you were controlling your favorite stars and, even more thrilling, inducing them to leap 30-feet into the air to execute a 360-helicopter jam or forcefully shove a foe down at half court to jar the ball loose, acts either impossible or illegal in real life.

Even though it's an unrealistic simulation - or precisely for that very reason - 1993's NBA Jam still ranks as one of the best basketball games ever created (sorry, Slam City with Scottie Pippen). Maybe it's our fondness for it, that causes us to find this work stoppage-inspired parody so hilarious. Like a meticulous musician, we can never have enough Jam sessions.

*Chances are, you were also captivated by parachute pants and sneakers that you could inflate.

Getting Over the Hump(hries)

On Halloween, Kris Humphries learned he married a witch. His inadvisable marriage to Kim Kardashian lasted a scant 72 days before she filed for divorce, which was just slightly more time than the E! special on their nuptials aired for. There are probably wedding presents she hadn't even opened yet.

You might as well go ahead and eat that saved piece of cake in the freezer, Kris. At least the dessert, unlike your wife, is sweet and has layers. Enjoy the treat because unfortunately, you got tricked.

Here's a fun fact: As of October 31, the lockout had lasted 51 more days than their matrimony - or, as Kim spells it, "matrimoney."