No Pacific Plans*

When one of the Maloof brothers asks, "Which way to the beach?," he's asking for directions to the dunes in VA, not CA. Rumors, like ocean waters, are swirling that the Sacramento Kings are plotting a possible relocation some 2,900 mi away to Virginia Beach. The city's mayor confirmed there will be a Tuesday meeting with team officials and cable company Comcast would work with the city to construct an arena. However, the Hampton Roads area has been down this road before, as a candidate considered when the Charlotte Hornets went hive hunting (the big sleazy, ex-owner George Shinn, chose the Big Easy - proving he sure knew how to Picayune a site where there's as little support for the squad as there is for the newspaper). Seattle and Anaheim are other places in pursuit, so resettling on the east coast is not a shore thing.

Not only did Mark Cuban fail to acquire his prized PG, he also fell short in retaining his one from the past season, Jason Kidd, and he's rationalizing the former rebuff, while ranting about the latter one. Oh, plus Jason Terry took off, too. Maybe Cuban should spend less time on Shark Tank and more time in a think tank. Here's a million-dollar business idea: focus on your multi-million-dollar business.

*but perhaps some Atlantic ones

The Rummage Diary

Good news for the Phoenix Suns, Michael Beasley will be arriving with, literally, less baggage. Last weekend, there was an estate sale at the house Beasley was renting in Minnesota. According to attendee and journalist Joan Niesen, there was a bevy of bizarre bric-a-brac that wasn't befitting of a basketball player, such as Swedish screenplays, medical textbooks and a set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like bunnies. Those belongings don't seem to belong - except on Antiques Roadshow - but perhaps in his spare time Beasley was studying cinematography and anatomy, while lounging on pile of frilly pillows.

Maybe not every millionaire athlete buys Bentleys, maybe some buy baubles. Either that or he hired an elderly interior decorator - how else to explain glass grapes (because edible fruit isn't fragile enough)? Beasley has had past problems with possession, but it's his possessions that leave us perplexed.

Pay Through the Toes

LeBron James garnered gold, but footwear fanatics will have to give theirs away to buy his shoes. After rampant reports that Nike's new LeBron X, slated for a fall release, will retail for upwards of $300, the company clarified that would be for a limited edition which includes motion sensors that will measure vertical leap (you can sure jump higher when your wallet's three Benjamins lighter), and the base model will sell for the affordable amount of $180, a bargain for the bourgeois (just 25 hours of labor at minimum wage will secure you shiny swooshes). For that sadly standard for the sport, yet still staggering sum, you could buy 12 pairs of Stephon Marbury's sneakers - if only they were available anymore (starbury.com lists both lines of his $14.98 kicks as being out of stock). Call us cheap (and algebra airheads), but spending for X would be as excruciating an exercise as solving for x was in seventh grade.

High-end hightops are in high demand, as evidenced by the free-for-all over an All-Star edition in February, that turned Foot Locker into the Hurt Locker. The Wall Street Journal reports that Nike has increased prices of its products by between 5-10% from last year. If this trend continues, soon the support consumers will care about from their footwear will be financial.

Great Ball of China

In a charity game in Shanghai comprised of Chinese celebrities, Kobe Bryant scored 68 points in the 15-minute second half after sitting out the first (he didn't plan to play, but was pressed to since his side was losing, the opposition's lead padded by popular demand - 20 points were tacked on via text*). That's a rate of 4.5 points per minute. With that sort of prolific production, he was a one-worker fastbreak factory. Kobe also strummed an electric guitar at centercourt with cheerleaders encircling him. It was a chance to show off a solo before he showed off - solo.

Vivek Shah, a student, spotted Brooklyn Nets CEO Brett Yormark on the street in NYC and struck up a conversation. Yormark was impressed - considering that, until recently, Nets players weren't even recognized, much less front-office folks - so he invited Shah to tour the workplace, then offered him an internship. It all happened so fast, someone in the video documenting it should've said, "on Yormark, ready, set, go!"

*the Chinese are permitted to vote to pile on points in a purposeless basketball game, but not for their political leaders. Makes sense.

Chandler Bling

Espn.com has begun ranking every NBA player, in reverse order, from 500th to first. You'd have to be more die-hard than Bruce Willis to recognize most of the 34 John Does judged so far, such as #470 Jerome Dyson, who apparently sucks as much upright as a regular Dyson. It must drive guys such as #482 Morris Almond nuts to be so low, and despite what his name suggests, gladness can't be what #466 Mickell Gladness is feeling about his pitiful place. Juwan Howard #476 has faded from "fab" to drab, while #472 Mike Bibby should put on a parachute to prevent plummeting further. At the very bottom is another name worth noting: Eddie Curry. That has to hurt, especially since his former "Baby Bulls" buddy, Tyson Chandler, just won gold at the Olympics, while the only Gold the oft-overweight Curry is grabbing is Rold Gold. Maybe Eddie can commiserate with another recently wronged Curry: Ann.

Possibly unsatisfied with the 8-carat, $4 million-dollar ring her husband gave her as a sorry-for-sleeping around gift in 2003, Vanessa Bryant has her sights set on a ring that, unlike her forgiveness, can't be bought. "I certainly would not want to be married to someone that can't win championships," Vanessa Bryant is quoted as saying, being forthcoming in a forthcoming New York magazine interview. We have one question: Do fantasy basketball championships count? If so, then Yahoo! - that's both an exclamation of elation and also the site we won them on - because once she sees our titles, it won't be long before she changes her title to Mrs. NBA (B)All Day.

Weights Loss

It seems gym ownership isn't working out for Michael Jordan. A Chicago facility is facing foreclosure and Jordan stands to suffer a greenback setback of as much as $1.5 million should it shutter, so he might be looking for somebody to spot him - some cash. When it comes to bankrolling a business, just like running an NBA franchise, Jordan doesn't know squat.

According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.

Gold Mettle

First, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony all took turns torching Argentina on Friday (playing well was the best revenge for Carmelo). Then, Team USA went out and earned first in a grueling gold medal game against the size of Spain, featuring the Gasol brothers and naturalized Spaniard Serge Ibaka. It was a tall order, but in the end, the team with only one true center prevailed over one with a trio of them, reaching the heights that were presumed but not promised.

Ironically, as an object was being hung around their necks, a great weight was being lifted off their shoulders. If you had any doubts whether the precious metal was regarded as a precious medal by the players, all you had to do was look at and listen to Kobe Bryant afterwards. In his long consolation hug with Lakers teammate Pau Gasol, a man thought of as callous was conspicuously compassionate. It was a reminder that the Olympics bring out the best in everyone.*

*except that psycho, private part-puncher, Nicholas Batum.