Home, Sweets Home

In northeast Ohio, nothing is given - except complimentary cupcakes. Residents of Bath Township, Ohio may not know the muffin man, but they do know the cupcake man: it's LeBron James. On Tuesday, as an apology for the inconvenience caused by the parade of people and press who flocked to his home pre- and post-Cleveland comeback, he sent 70 dozen of the treats, 840 total, along with a nice note (presumably not dictated to Lee Jenkins) to neighbors - including five dozen to the local police (because having donuts delivered would've been pandering to the po-po).

The decision to bake was an E-Z one. However, the flavor names were a mouthful: Just a Kid From Akron Cherry Cola (strange, shouldn't his soda selection be Sprite?) and Homecourt Chocolate Chunk. Apparently, only thing in that area as rich as James are the desserts he distributes.

LeBron returning to his roots was what Ohioans wanted, this is just icing on the cupcake. He definitely earned brownie points with his neighbors. Perhaps he should ship Kevin Love some eclairs to let him know he cares.*

*with the enclosed card reading: "It would be a cream come true / to play alongside you."

Less is Morey

The MIT math master made many major miscalculations this offseason. Rockets GM Daryl Morey cleared copious cap space, but after Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony declined the dollars dangled (Morey was out of touch if he thought either would settle for less touches; Anthony thinks he should have the ball in his hands more when he plays pop-a-shot) and the only things that rolled into town were Trevor Ariza and tumbleweeds, what's clear is Houston were the failures free agency more so any team in the league and now Morey should clear his desk. To put it in hip hop terms, Houston was chopped (up) and screwed (up). The Moneyball mimic has mounds of money, but no one to ball. His back to (graduate) school essay will be entitled, "How I Didn't Spend This Summer*."

Morey can pour over PER, but what's perplexing is that he parted with Chandler Parsons, actually released him from his cost effective contract, then traded Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik before replacements were ready. Morey mistakenly subtracted before he added; he must've forgotten PEMDAS. Since he solely sees statistics through his Google Glasseyes, that's a combined 34.9 ppg, 16 rpg and 8.6 apg, as those three accounted for almost a third of the points and over a third of the club's rebounds and assists. We're failing to find the Nate Silver lining. Morey has as many advanced degrees as the franchise does playoff series wins in his seven years: one (it turns out MBA doesn't stand for Masters of Basketball in the Association). It's enough (or, more accurately, not enough) to make him cuss his abacus.

Running a basketball team isn't rocket science - or any sort of science. Perhaps the Sloan Conference at his alma mater should invite Jerry Sloan to speak this year in Morey's stead.

*is what we're doing regression toward the mean-spirited?

Homecoming King

It's appropriate that LeBron James was in Las Vegas at the beginning of last week for his youth camp because on Friday he took a gamble on his future and elected to join a group of youngsters. Who says you can't go home? Not Jon Bon Jovi and not LeBron James. He opted to return to Cleveland, thus rebuilding a bridge in a city where, coincidentally, one was simultaneously being detonated. James had a burning desire to come back, which is not to be confused with Cavs crazies burning desire to light his jersey on fire four years ago. Now, those fickle fans are flocking to their former flame.

James went the Richard Sherman/Michael Sam route and wrote an essay (not a letter, mind you) for Sports Illustrated, so the only scoop his ESPN shadow Brian Windhorst got was ice cream (from the looks of him, it was a double). The prodigal son, who was being cursed in the city as a different sort of son mere days ago, channeled his inner Pope Francis: "Who am I to hold a grudge?," he asked. All is forgiven and Dan Gilbert's gall is forgiven. He hung Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh out to dry in Miami like a two-piece bathing suit, yet they've defended him more thoroughly than they did any Spur in the Finals. Everyone has been understanding, yet we have a hard time understanding his dumbfounding decision. He may be more comfortable at home, but LeBron had better get comfortable with losing.

How many championships will he win in Cleveland? Not one, not two...not any is a possible answer. And he'll have to answer for that. Maybe not in Cleveland*, but everywhere else. In this evermore global game it's not enough to be a local legend. He may only have eyes for Ohio, but the world is watching (as cornea as that sounds). All pupils will be focused on how well James trains his.

*whose cranky citizens have to quit complaining about the sorry state of theirs sports, since they now have Johnny Football and LeBronny Basketball.

King's Dominion

Update: LeBron has climbed in the Cleveland coaster car, lowered the head rest and locked the lap bar. He didn't take his hometown for a ride, after all, although Miami must feel nauseous (hope the Heat have barf bags on hand).

You must be at least 48" tall to ride most of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, but the height requirement to have one named after you is 80". The theme park in Sandusky, Ohio has promised to rename a ride "King James" after LeBron, provided he makes tracks back to Cleveland. With every day he delays The Decision (Over)Deux, the movement is gaining momentum; now, it's added centripetal force.

LeBron has thrown everyone for a loop by considering the Cavaliers, so it's fitting for a local business to return the favor by throwing patrons for a few loops in his honor. Lest we forget, he took the franchise to dizzying heights.

The amusement park boasts 15 coasters, including, interestingly enough, ones called Maverick and Raptor, two teams who'd be at the back of LeBron's line (they'd probably have to wait in the parking lot because they can't afford the cost of admission). Should James choose to come back to the Cavs, we hope his second go-round with them is a merry one. Even if the offer doesn't work, at least Cedar Point can say they gave it a (tilt-a-)whirl.

Woo Tang Clan

The off-the-court courting has commenced. The delegates have been deployed to lure LeBron, coax Carmelo and bribe Bosh. The effort exerted by entrenched stars varied. Kobe cut his vacation short, taking a red-eye from the Mediterranean isles* to be present for the Lakers pitch, while Derrick Rose cut his workout short, wiping some sweat out of his eye to say "hello" to 'Melo. LeBron let his agent talk to several teams, including the Cavaliers, while he stayed silent. After all, talk is cheap, but James' services won't be. Get to groveling, Dan Gilbert. Considering his maniacal missive was just removed Monday from the team's website, we'd have some misgivings about returning to never say neverland, even if there is finally comic sans relief (remember, it was sloppy seconds for Mike Brown). Here are our best guesses about what will happen as we play the game of Wait Wait...Do Tell Me!

Bosh: The Rockets would move heaven and earth for Bosh - or at least Lin and Asik. If Bosh is going to be a third banana, which he still would when paired with Howard and Harden, the better bunch is in Miami, so there's no reason to, ahem, split. He'll remain on the Heat's Dole, not until the ripe old age Dwayne Wade will, though^.

Anthony: His spouse seems runs his house and she goes by La La, so we won't rule out a move to L.A. Anthony. His coach and GM have a combined 16 rings and the $33 mill. extra he'd make with the Knicks buys his wife enough jewelry to be called "Kay."

James: Pat Riley is scheduled to sit down with James today and we're sure his presentation will be as slick as his hair (true, LeBron has the power, but Riley has the PowerPoint). If LeBron took his talents to a third town or his native non-shores of Ohio, he'd leave more Miamians twisting in the wind than a hurricane. As it is, he's making us sweat like Dan Le Batard in a sauna. We think none of the three amigos goes. They have four Finals appearances in as many years and two titles. Why mess with success, especially to for the mess in Cleveland? A family doesn't break up over dollars (even if Dwyane Wade accepts a salary so scant that he might have to shop at Family Dollar). The lesson for LeBron is: you can't bond as a vagabond. Besides, him becoming a nomad would make almost everyone mad.

*ironic that his odyssey involved leaving Greece
^his banana phone isn't ringing

Lilac of Fashion Sense

A tree grows in Brooklyn, and on Thursday night, a tall flower sprouted up on stage, too - although it might as well have been a maple leaf. For the second straight draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers chose a Canadian as the number one overall selection. Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would concede this was a "tipping point" for The Association*. The franchise also drafted a Canuck in 2011, so this is a club committed to keeping it Montreal (in a nod to our northern neighbor, we've tagged this Torontonian trio the "Kids in the Haul"). Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would identify this as a "tipping point" for The Association (the Cavs would be content with a tip-in point).

Lots of flowery language has been used to describe Andrew Wiggins, but that still doesn't excuse his strange suit, which screamed forget-me-not, hurt our irises to look at and was an embarrassment to his carnation. To shop for his ensemble, he must've went to nana, not Prada.

Bouquets belong by Joel Embiid's bedside. Still, as he struck a posy with Adam Silver, Wiggins did look gladiolus to be there. The Cavs are hoping he blossoms into a better player than pansy Anthony Bennett (he fell off faster than petals from a rose, so the team had to replant the following summer). Stencil him in as a starter, but remember: all that glitters isn't marigold. In time, Wiggins may take the Cavs to the promise land, but for now it looks like he's taking them to prom.

Ultrasound Bite

Many were expecting LeBron to deliver another championship, now his spouse is expecting to deliver a baby. There won't be time to brood over the blowouts because his brood is broadening. Pat Riley divulged Thursday - breaking the news, but not her water - that James' wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl.

The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.

*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position

Fisher's Price

After appearing to have Steve Kerr on the hook, but failing to reel him in, Phil Jackson cast his bait* towards a candidate easier to lure. The Zen Master isn't much of a fisherman, but he is a Fisher man. Here's the catch with his catch: Fisher has never coached a single second at any level. That didn't deter James Dolan from doling out $5 million a year for him, an amount Fisher earned annually only four times during his 18-year career. Incredibly, that high salary is actually market price, since it matches Kerr's contract, but considering it's a mere 1 mill. less than Gregg Popovich is paid, the money makes him a goldfish.

Fisher will be swimming upstream, similar to a salmon, fighting against the current, to keep the current Knicks afloat^. Hall of Famer Larry Brown lasted a lone season in NYC, so Fisher could easily flounder.

"Fancy" that: Ah, Young love. Lakers guard Nick Young and Australian chart-climbing chanteuse Iggy Azalea are an item. Look for her second single soon: "Swaggy."

He'll "Save" it - in his trapper keeper: Those who enjoy 1990s nostalgia will Screech with delight at a present Chris Paul was given for his birthday in May: a personalized picture from Tiffani Thiessen as her character Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell, in which her hair is as feathery as Paul's jump shot. We bet he was Bayside himself with joy over the gift. Cliff Paul would recommend insuring the memento, but how do you determine the value of an object that's priceless?

*thankfully, he didn't use "The Worm"

^Knicks and salmon alike should watch out for ravenous Grizzlies

Game of Dethrone

The Spurs didn't produce a point until over three-and-a-half minutes had elapsed in Game 5, at which time they were down by 8 points. After another three-and-a-half minutes, the deficit had doubled to 16. Tony Parker was scoreless until 15 seconds left in the third quarter. Danny Green missed all of his attempts. None of that impeded the path of the poised and persistent Spurs - and neither did the Heat, who got rolled like a quesarito, which after countless commercials, we crave as much as the Spurs did a championship*.

Speaking of dining, the Spurs showed revenge is a dish best served piping hot, as San Antonio averaged 52.8% shooting for the series, a Finals record, connecting on no less than 46.2% in a single game. When any Spurs player released the ball, we swear the spinning sphere went from reading "Spalding" across its surface to "Scalding." A pack of pepper pickers don't have this many hot hands.

The trio of Kawhi Leonard, Manu Ginobli and Patty Mills, heretofore known as the "medium three," made sure history didn't repeat (or threepeat) itself. Leonard was the Spurs of the moment, tallying his third consecutive game of 20+ points and his second straight double-double. The imperturbable Leonard was an improbable, yet impressive MVP, but his breakout signals he's ready to take up the mantle and now he has an honor to put up on his mantle. Patty Mills was Aussie-some, nailing five threes to nail the coffin shut. The Heat spent the third period chasing Mills, who racked up 14 of his 17 points. They might as well have been chasing windmills. The man from down under kept the Heat who were down, while the Spurs had things under control. Tony Parker had resumed his Cirque de Soleil act by the fourth quarter. Along with the Australian, it was also the Argentine's time to shine. Ginobli was half-Manu, half-amazing, amassing 19 points, making baskets from angles even a geometer would gawk at. He and his tenacious teammates made redemption appear to be Manufest destiny.

Early indications pointed to a blowout and they were correct, just not for the club that controlled the first eight minutes of the contest. The Spurs station wagon engine took a little time to warm up, but once it did it was humming like a sports car (as San Antonio supporters starting humming a specific Queen song to the deposed King James - or at least they should've). Suddenly, the Ford was overtaking the Ferrari. The Spurs held the Heat to 11 points in the second quarter and after allowing 17 first quarter points to LeBron, limited him to 14 through the remaining three. Wade, Bosh and Allen, were exposed as non-shooting stars, going 11-34 from the field. If James had hung a "Help Wanted" sign on the back of his jersey at halftime, we would've understood. LeBron had said the Heat possessed "championship DNA," but we didn't detect a single strand of it throughout the series, which was bafflingly one basket from being a sweep^. No one needed a microscope to notice the Spurs were superior (not genetically, just generally).

Sunday was Father's Day, but it was also Pop's day. Ditto for Tim Duncan, who bounced back from a devastating defeat even better than a divorce. You have to hand it to the cerebral, consistent Hall of Fame coach and center, who now have a handful of rings apiece. We know the duo aren't demonstrative, but we believe on this occasion, Kawhi-fives are in order.

*it took the Spurs less time to go through the Heat than it will for Taco Bell's fascinating, fabricated foodstuff to go through your bowels; it's best to trust the system to take care of it - the digestive system

^as the jock geneticists say, "you win some, you chromosome."

Passing Through

If Tim Duncan's Final prediction comes to pass, it will be because the Spurs came to pass. The way the Spurs play is no passing fancy, although they do some fancy passing. Pinpoint, too. They thread the needle like a team of talented tailors. They spot every seam in the defense (and the Heat's has more holes than moth-munched mohair) and, subsequently, are one win away from sewing up the series and fitting their fingers for rings. They're showing they aren't as buttoned-down as the press portrays them. The Heat, who were caught with their fly down in game 3, didn't zip it up in game 4, either. sse defense has more holes than moth-munched mohair, have folded like a beach chair. Down 3-1, a deficit never overcome in the Finals, parachute pants have a better chance of coming back than them (maybe those would halt the Heat's free fall).

The spotlight-shirking Spurs surely didn't go clubbing while in Miami, but they did club the Heat twice over two nights. They were right at home inside American Airlines Arena and now they get to go home to try to clinch a championship. In an encore, Leonard again supplied the Kawhighlights, providing 20 points and 14 rebounds. Gloria Estefan's presence wasn't enough to turn the beating around*. Not to (Ney)mar another nation, but Miami looked as unprepared to host a crucial competition as Brazil*.

The Spurs have better balance than a tightrope walker, but instead of no net, it's nothing but net, since they shot 57% in game 4 and are averaging 54% from the floor in the Finals. The most skilled player in the 305 - and all area codes - can't overcome the most skilled starting five in The Association. Aside from Pat Riley's pompadour, the Heat haven't encountered anything this well-oiled (barring bodybuilders on the boardwalk).

Sorry soccer, but basketball is the true beautiful game^. The Spurs are athletics as art and the court is their canvas. This is the closest sports comes to sonnets, symphonies and sculptures. A coach-composed opera; a Popera. Duncan, Parker and Ginobli aren't the "Big Three," but they may be the "Three Tenors" (what do you mean that nickname is already taken?).


*so far, it's been the Miami soundly defeated machine

^we'll grant that Nene is no Pele

Hyperbole and a First Half

The initial 24 minutes of Game 3 was a high-scoring affair for the Spurs. It was also a Kawhi scoring one. Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson were in attendance and they witnessed the hoops equivalent of a haymaker. From the outset, Kawhi Leonard was slugging as strongly as Sugar Ray Leonard, knocking down his first six shots and knocking the Heat up against the ropes (which were velvet, since this is Miami).

Leonard, whose primary purpose is to stick to LeBron James like a barnacle, actually outscored him, contributing a career-best 29 points, including 16 in the Spurs 41-point first quarter flurry. San Antonio almost equaled its Game 1, fourth period points-producing perfection in the first quarter, then prolonged its prolific pace into quarter number two, ultimately setting a Finals record for shooting percentage. Yes, the Spurs were hotter than the bikini beauties sunbathing on South Beach. No matter who hoisted it or from where, the ball kept going in for the Spurs and soon everyone saw the Heat were in for a extensive and excruciating evening. Mike Breen bellowed "bang" more frequently than if he was narrating a fourth of July fireworks display*.

The scoreboard showed 71 points on 75.8% shooting for San Antonio by the time Sage Steele and her distinct 'do^ came onscreen. Down 21 at the break, Miami wasn't in a hole so much as a crater. If every man's home is his (sand)castle, then Leonard and his mates kicked Miami's over. The Heat, who never came closer than within seven, couldn't rebuild because the bucket belonged to the Spurs. Every bucket did Tuesday night.

This was definitely the Kawhigh point in Leonard's three years as a pro, yet he wasn't on the podium afterwards to meet with the media. Proof that Popovich doesn't put his people on a pedestal. No matter, if they keep playing this way, we will.


*if we hear Mark Jackson jabber, "hand down, man down" one more time, we're turning the sound down

^the Heat had more kinks to work out than if she were straightening her hair

A Fluids Situation

Trainers had to haul LeBron from the floor in Game 1; his teammates should've carried him off the court in celebration following his fantastic Game 2. Immobile on Thursday, he was back to being invulnerable Sunday, demonstrating that the person most capable of stopping James, short of a sneaky San Antonio-area HVAC repairman, is himself. This time, LeBron's lower body didn't lock up on him and no opponent locked down on him, either.

James played five more minutes in this contest and scored 10 additional points, finishing with 35 and, more importantly, finishing the game. He attended a yoga class 12 hours before tip-off and perhaps that extra stretching allowed him to be available down(ward dog) the stretch.

Subject to second-guessing on social media over his conditioning* and hydration habits (a certain lightning-bolted beverage didn't hurry to his ade^), James argued he's an easy target (and he does get needled as much as an acupuncture patient), yet he was on target last night, accurate on 72% of his attempts through the final three quarters. Still, LeBron has lots of defenders. Now, the Spurs need to find one who plays for them.

*better to have a calves controversy than a Cavs one

^it was a Riptide Rush to judgement

Home, Sweat Home

For one night, the At&T Center in San Antonio doubled as C+C Music Factory because, if you were within it, the building was gonna make you sweat. The air conditioning was out of service and, as a result, so was LeBron James during the decisive fourth quarter. It was a capacity crowd, but everyone would agree the venue could've used more fans.

The arena kept getting hotter and the Spurs shooting followed suit, basically burning up the basket by swishing a scorching 14 of 16 from the floor in the fourth, including a flawless and flaming 6-6 on three-pointers. That wasn't even the most impressive (thermo)stat of the night: Tim Duncan's field goal percentage, 90, was equal to that of the temperature inside the gym.

The increase in degrees increased the degree of difficulty in playing for LeBron, who had to be carried off with cramps with 3:59 remaining, after exiting earlier in the final frame at the 7:31 mark. He could only watch and wince while the game was on the line, which brought a new meaning to the phrase "warming the bench." James, who finished with 25 points, was hot and bothered by the climate conditions, leaving for the locker room with time left in the game. 15-4 and 16-3 Spurs spurts stemmed from James sitting on the sidelines. An electrical problem revealed an inconvenient truth: The Heat were done-in by the heat.

Perhaps speaking to a trend of global warming, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobil pointed out that plenty of parquets in Europe are absent of AC. As usual, Gregg Popovich had the best (power) line, "Hopefully we can pay our bills [by Game 2 on Sunday]," coach cracked. Preferably in cold, hard cash.

A Rematch Made in Heaven

San Antonio and Miami are ready to run it back and for fans of the franchise and basketball buffs alike, it's a case of many happy returns. If the faces in this face-off look familiar, that's because one year removed from a terrific tilt, the fundamental Spurs and the flashy Heat are competing in the Finals a second straight season. This showdown is a sequel audiences actually want to watch (think of it as Days of Future Recent Past).

The story lines for the series are straightforward: for the Spurs, it's a chance for redemption, after the title slipped through their fingers last season, like the Larry O'Brien trophy was carved out of soap; for the Heat, it's an opportunity to be distinguished as a dynasty by winning three in a row, or over one-third of the way toward fulfilling LeBron's ambitious assertion (and for Pat Riley to sell some sheets*). Who cares whether California Chrome will win the triple crown, we want to know whether King James will be crowned thrice or if Tim Duncan will be telling teammates, "give me five," after capturing championship number five.

How the Heat win: Bosh rebounds and plays in the post periodically, Allen gets free and hits threes, Anderson protects the paint, Chalmers and Cole are careful with the ball, Wade doesn't wear down or settle for outside shots, James is selfish in spots and does the heavy lifting himself down the stretch, if Oden behaves on the bench how his Buckeyes buddy suggested.

How the Spurs win: Parker suffers no setbacks with his ailing ankle, Belinelli and Mills match Allen's makes, Diaw sets up his squadmates, Leonard uses his length to leak out on fastbreaks and limit LeBron on offense, Duncan demands the ball, Ginobili gets in a groove, if Bonner resumes his web series and eats hot dogs with Snoop Dogg.

It took seven to settle it before and the same sum will be needed, but the Spurs have home court advantage this time and that alone will be the deciding factor in an otherwise even encounter (it'll be National Spelling Bee contest-close, you have our word^). Cue coach Popovich popping open the champagne (and, in a gracious gesture, aiming the cork away from Heather Cox's cornea) and Duncan being uncharacteristically bubbly as he has bubbly poured over him.

*his money is on top of the mattress, not underneath it
^if the teams are tied at the end of regulation in Game 7, instead of overtime, whoever spells "Tiago" and Kawhi" correctly will be declared the winner

NBA (B)Allmer Day

It what seemed like a microsecond, The Association on Friday approved former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's $2 billion-dollar bid to buy the L.A. Clippers - or double the sum Donald Sterling's attorney announced earlier that day he's suing the league for. A certain company's operating systems take more time to load than it took Shelly Sterling to unload the club ahead of a board of governors vote. The financial matter became one of grey matter, as Donald Sterling's estranged wife acquired the authority to auction off the franchise by becoming the sole trustee, after he was declared to be "mentally incompetent" by neurologists*, but maybe those doctors should assess Ballmer, since he's shelling out the second-most money for a pro team ever on the continent (a few Dodger dogs shy of the record) and almost quadruple the amount paid for the previous highest-selling NBA franchise. It became clear no other individual was going to (ahem) Surface ahead of today's deadline who would offer that much.

Donald Sterling's beliefs may be backward and biased^, but he never thought that Zune could overtake the iPod. For comparison, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen possesses NBA, NFL and MLS organizations for a total of $294 million, meaning he's a much Sounder(s) investor.

Still, we give Ballmer credit for seeing his Window(s) of opportunity and seizing it^. He practically jumped at the chance to own the Clippers - and practically jumping is a special skill of Ballmer's (buy high, jump low. Luckily, he can leave the leaping to Blake Griffin from now on.
Microsoft-sell

*which all seems shadier than a park full of palm trees
^and if Sterling was hit hard by this, he still wasn't hit as hard as his former flame

This is 40 (and 10)

This is 40 (and 10)
During his moving MVP speech, Kevin Durant told Russell Westbrook, who's regularly under fire for firing off scads of shots, he had his back (it was the lead taking a supporting role). Westbrook paid back the praise by bringing the Thunder back into the series, tying it at 2-2, behind his 40 points, 10 assists and 5 steals, which were all figures greater than what the Spurs starting lineup totaled (although Popovich, perhaps channeling the Commander-in-Chief, pulled his charges out before the conflict concluded, too). Westbrook became only the second player in postseason history to notch those numbers, joining the rare air of Michael Jordan, who did it in 1989, when Westbrook was one and pampered in a completely different way.

When Durant stood up for Westbrook, it stood out - and a standout effort from Westbrook was exactly what the Thunder needed.
Westbrook can always find the basket, but he's at his best when he's finding teammates, too. Durant, who had his series-high with 31, wasn't just accepting an award, he was accepting his amigo, along with any of his friend's flaws, which are few. Durant demonstrated he'll share credit, now Westbrook is showing he'll share the ball. That makes them two of a kindness.

ReSergence

The Thunder's medical staff was off the mark when they ruled Serge Ibaka would miss the remainder of the postseason. In contrast, Ibaka, during his return, was rarely off the mark. He made the first basket of the game, sinking six of seven from the field, on his way to scoring 15 points, while snaring seven rebounds and swatting four shots in the Thunder's win. The Spurs were skeptical Ibaka would sit out the series. Gregg Popovich believed the prognosis on Ibaka's strained calf strained credulity, so San Antonio was prepared for him to play, just not that well. Ibaka starting wasn't as unexpected as Bill Murray barging-in on your bachelor party.* Murray's shown he's agreeable to administering advice to Boston College boys, so pick up the phone if you need a pre-game pep talk tonight, Reggie Jackson.

More fraud than Freud: Lance Stephenson won't be freelancing as a psychologist anytime soon. Stephenson thought he detected a "sign of weakness" from LeBron James when he goaded him into gabbing in game 3, but LeBron switched from strong language to a powerful performance for game 4. Stephenson tried to get in James' head, but that's not the way to get ahead against him^ and now the Pacers appear in over their heads, down 3-1. LeBron paid no mind to the mind games, posting his highest point total of the series, while Stephenson had his lowest, so you could say LeBron beat his brains out. If Stephenson attempts to put James on the couch again, he'll be the one on the couch - watching the Finals from home.

*he popped up that day like a groundhog and is more likely to be seen at a stranger's stag shindig than in Ghostbusters III.

^he should know LeBron's lone visible vulnerability lies on top of his coconut, not inside it; Stephenson can't Rogaine a metal advantage over James.

A River Walk in the Park

The Thunder are missing their shot blocker, while the Spurs aren't missing shots (averaging 53.8% from the field), thus nothing is blocking the Spurs path to the basket - or the finals. The Thunder have become the Thuner, their 'd' has disappeared in Ibaka's absence. The advice to go inside when you see lightning apparently also applies to when you see Thunder, as the Spurs have put up 66 and 54 points in the paint. Oklahoma City has done nothing to deter San Antonio from long distance, either, as the Spurs have hit nine threes in each game. When that many triples are going in, they won't have trouble reaching triple digits on the scoreboard.

Sans Serge, the Thunder can't survive the Spurs surges. The Thunder lost by more than twice as many points in game 2 as they did in game 1 - and the first contest wasn't close (if this trend continues, the margin will mushroom to 71 Sunday). If the Thunder can't block field goals, they'll at least want to block out these blowouts from their brains. We've watched cats more willing to confront attackers this week. Is it too late for the Thunder to sign Tara*? We'd be feline better about their chances if they did.

His Barkley is worse than his bite: Charles Barkley has never been afraid to weigh-in with his opinion, especially on the weight of women in San Antonio, but the wisecrack is wearing thin. Jokes aren't like buffet lines, you can't go back to them as much as you like. Particularly for someone who remembers pie a la mode as much as the Alamo. Interviewing Danny Green after Game 2 in the arena, he acknowledge the throng's taunts "I just want them to know they suck, too." However, he stopped short of shouting at them to "Shut up and Jam!"

*she's already tried her paw at baseball

Cleveland Streamer

Cleveland didn't stand much of a chance. Then again, it usually doesn't. The odds of the Cavaliers drawing the first pick in the draft lottery were 1.7% - or slightly higher than LeBron rejoining them. The city that staunchly supports the Browns, but not so much Mike Brown, won the number one overall selection for the third time in four years. Truthfully, it's the best three-peat the club could hope for after LeBron left.

Last season, they squandered it on Anthony Bennett, who fellow canuck Justin Bieber would be justified in chucking eggs at*. Akin to another Toronton, Rob Ford, Bennett wasn't all he was cracked up to be (it's baby steps for the latter, 12-steps for the former). The ball bounces their way, they just have to wait until their season is over for it to happen.

If Lady Luck wasn't smiling on the Cavs last night, then it was the gorgeous grin of Mallory Edens, the teenage daughter^ of the incoming Bucks owner, who gained over 19,000 Twitter followers after her appearance (they may have found the face of the franchise prior to picking a player). If only Milwaukee - who had a 25% probability, yet slid to second - could attract that many season-ticket buyers.

*there's Johnny Football's first assignment

^she's 18, so she's draft and dating-eligible

The Price is Write

Now that the Warriors have been eliminated from the postseason, Harrison Barnes has some free time and he'll use it to sign stuff for free. As a token of thanks to fans, Barnes announced on Facebook he will give his autograph away gratis this summer. The second-year player from Ames, Iowa aims to please.

You name it and he'll write his name on it. The memorabilia must be mailed to his P.O. box, along with an explanation of why you want him to scrawl on your souvenirs (because you can't afford an inscription from Harrison Ford isn't an acceptable answer). He does caution there could be delays due to his TV viewing and video game playing (apparently, his first duty is to Call of Duty), so senders might not receive their object until the fall if Barnes is immersed in Titanfall.

His policy puts some pressure on the similarly surnamed Matt Barnes - and his teammates, too (David Lee will have to waive his fee and Andre Iguodala will stop charging top dollar). Still, this is no small gesture by the small forward For starters (which, he's not), it's a great way to forge a friendship with followers* (you can call him your "nonPayPal"). Secondly, it's a smart strategy to stand out on social media. This could become Barnes' signature move.

*and us if he'd be willing to forge Stephen Curry's John Hancock on a jersey