David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.

Rocky Mountain Hi

After two nights of action, it might be time to scale back the collective expectations for the Threet. Using a combination of mathematics and moderation (two concepts we never applied in college), we can reasonably predict an 81-1 regular season record and a complete cancellation of the playoffs by the commissioner due to Miami's utter dominance, followed by the team’s immediate enshrinement in the Hall of Fame. Diverting our attention from Miami Thrice for a minute, there are many other compelling question beyond whether or not the Three Basketeers make history. Here's a handful for the Denver Nuggets:

Where will Carmelo Anthony's final destination be? Will he be sent to a contender or a struggling squad? Will Denver get anything close to equal value when they do unload him? Will ‘Melo be motivated while he bides his time waiting to leave or will he switch to cruise control? Is he feeling slighted, since Kevin Durant may have surpassed him as a pure scorer? When he departs, can J.R. Smith, he of the Autobots and Decepticons ink, transform (see what we did there?) himself from a streaky scorer into a steady one? Will parting ways with him cause the team to miss the post-season in the Northwest, one of the most difficult divisions in the NBA? If he’s granted his wish to join the Knicks, will the coy approach he's taken adopted by other athletes? Is this his way of not snitching on himself?

Will George Karl’s health hold up in his return to the bench after a courageous battle with throat cancer? Will the team rally around the most player-friendly coach in the NBA, after collapsing in his absence last season?

Can Ty Lawson handle the PG duties well enough to allow Chauncey Billups to pace himself and not play too many minutes early on?

Is there any room left on the Birdman’s body to get another tattoo? Will Lynyrd Skynyrd thank him for the free advertising? Is he learning how to play the guitar so he can honor the musical requests that will soon be shouted his way? Will people hold lighters up when he blocks shots?

Which will be higher at the season’s end: LeBron’s ppg average or the Cavs win total?

Sorry, couldn’t resist sneaking that one in.

Conversation About Miami Still Heating Up

LeBron-a-thon begins tonight -- aka the 2010-11 NBA season. Love him or loathe him, you can expect wall-to-wall coverage of the most controversial decider since George W. Bush. Ironically, John Wall will not receive wall-to-wall coverage -- or even as much as his backcourt mate, Guns and Ammo cover model Gilbert Arenas, who we're sure is dressing as Robin for Halloween, based on his recent comments. With all the attention on LBJ and his cabinet*, no one is talking about the defending champs, except in relation to the Vujacic-Sharapova engagement (which one spends more time on their hair in the morning is a burning question) and perhaps some discussion of whether Andrew Bynum's body is sturdier than balsa wood, but we're sure some sixth-grader will get to the bottom of this shortly at a science fair (preferably using popsicle sticks).

A little more than two decades ago, Public Enemy told us not to believe the hype. LeBron has been branded a public enemy by many. Therefore, we shall follow the sage advice of the clock-accessorizing group and not automatically assume the Heat will win 70 games or award them the championship on opening night. That doesn't mean we're not excited to watch the talented trio, but if the media makes it all about Mia-ME 24/7, there's bound to be some backlash, particularly from astute fans who know the league has much more to offer beyond LeBron.

*That's two Presidential references in one post. You won't get that from other basketball blogs. Unless Obama has started one (ghostwritten by Reggie Love), which is entirely possible. In fact, if he appointed a person to be the Secretary of Slam Dunks, we wouldn't be surprised.

Get Out of Your Dreams and Into His Car

It's ok to admit that 90s Gatorade commercials manipulated your mind. We're not saying electrolytes are evil, but the company's lightning bolt burned into your brain at an early age that your innermost desire was to be "like Mike." There's good news and bad news about this common condition, although it's expensive either way. The bad news is that there still hasn't been a breakthrough in therapy can cure you of this marketing malady. The good news is that you can move closer to your life's ambition of sharing similarities with MJ (beyond the gambling addiction) -- provided you have around $430K to spare (be sure check under the couch cushions...of a multi-millionaire's furniture).

Jordan is selling his '07 Mercedes McLaren SLR 722. Before you ask, yes, the doors open vertically, so you know it's worth the steep asking price. Hold on to your Hanes, because this rare ride has a top speed of 209 mph. The cost might not be low, but the mileage sure is. Jordan has only put 962 on the odometer, so, just like with the Bobcats, he's devoted hardly any time to it these past few years.

3,2,1...Contract

David Stern is openly talking about contraction and, as far as we know, his wife's not pregnant. That means he's considering eliminating teams. If the NBA must phase out franchises, let’s first look to the great white north. No, not Minnesota. Think whiter and even more northern: Canada.

True, a native of Canada did spawn the sport, Dr. James Naismith*, all blessings and praise be upon him, but having pro teams in Canada has been a failed experiment, like Dane Cook's movie career. In both cases, there was some potential, but things didn't translate well, casting was poor (when Bryant Reeves or Jason Biggs play prominent roles it's a sign of disaster), and eventually they became unwatchable.

In the decade-and-a-half Toronto has had a team, they have made the playoffs five times, advancing past the first round only once. They have finished at or above .500 five times. Even worse, their now-exiled counterparts, the Grizzlies, didn't come close to qualifying for the playoffs while in Vancouver (or winning 30 games). They have never won a post-season game and have finished with a winning record just once. Their winning percentage overall is .333. It's fitting that a franchise so down on its luck settled in a city synonymous with the blues.

Ignore the fact that the Raptors couldn’t retain an in-his-prime, All-Star draft pick, Chris Bosh (that could happen to any squad, but don't except condolences from Cavs fans), and instead focus on the fact that they couldn’t retain an aging, mid-level player, Hedo Turkoglu, who chose to come there as a free agent one year prior. The seats at the Air Canada Centre should come with barf bags.

Usually, a commissioner would look to cut the teams in the smallest markets first, but the NBA has proven better than any other pro sports league that those teams can thrive (see: Sacramento, Portland). Hell, Stern is the same person who three years ago approved a franchise resettling to a smaller city, which came as a wake-up call to a city that's already very alert due to over-caffeination. He rewards loyalty and Oklahoma City had embraced the Hornets when they were a temporary team. The Grizzlies may play at FedEx Forum, but they are a package fans have resisted receiving, regardless of the country. These teams were never featured on U.S. TV broadcasts anyway, which means they might as well have not existed. Raptors have been extinct for millions of years, so why not kill off the last ones? Grizzlies hibernate during the winter, so just make it permanent. Because if the NBA must cry poor, at least blame it on the exchange rate.

* He did become a naturalized U.S. citizen. Which means we can claim his as our own and also that Nike should be cutting his descendants monthly checks.

Lakers Lose Magic Touch

Magic Johnson has sold his stake in the Lakers to a doctor. A real one, not Dr. J. Although it’s probably a plastic surgeon, since it’s L.A. With a physician as a part-owner, maybe he can work a medical miracle and Andrew Bynum will play in 10 or more games in a row without getting injured.

In addition to his trick of making the HIV in his body disappear (top that, David Blaine), Magic has been a savvy businessman in his retirement, so he likely had more on his mind with this move than just making a profit, especially since Michael Jordan has now paved the way for iconic players to own teams (even if he went to the Isiah Thomas School of Management). It became clear that the Buss family wasn’t going to budge on selling the Lakers.

Hopefully, he’ll be able to make bid for ownership of a franchise more befitting of his nickname, like the Orlando Magic or the Washington Wizards. Or he could take things a step further, and reintroduce pro hoops to the Emerald City with the alliteration-approved Seattle Sorcerers (they're crazy for coffee and consonance in that city). Whatever Magic elects to do next, it can't turn out worse than his late night talk show.

Russian to Judgment on the Cavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers lost an exhibition game to CSKA Moscow Saturday night. No, that's not the new name for the New Jersey Nets, it's a formidable Euroleague team that came state-side to play a few NBA squads this week, including Miami Thrice and the should've stayed in Charlotte Hornets (because the league was a better place before the Bobcats existed).

Preseason results should be taken with a grain of salt, although that's difficult when LeBron is using the same shaker to pour and rub sodium into the wounds of his hometown team. Don't think it was only Cavs fans and their livid, letter-writing owner who were devastated when LeBron left, it affected his former teammates as well and will continue to so for awhile. Some of them may even be wondering why LeBron handpicked Z to join him in South Beach and not them -- probably because LeBron wanted to give Z an opportunity to finally get a tan or a championship, neither of which seemed possible in Cleveland (or maybe LeBron's thought process was that it's always cool to have friend with an accent; it makes you seem more worldly).

Even if he wore a racist tie on media day (now we know S&K Menswear must mean Swastikas and Klansmen), we don't envy the work that lies ahead for new coach Byron Scott. Straightening this team out is going to be more challenging than straightening Anderson Varejao's hair.

Iverson to Turkey - No (Istan)bul

Allen Iverson is all over the map. We mean physically, not mentally. Iverson is reportedly in contract negotiations with a club in that country, Besiktas Cola Turka, with a sticking point over signing being the maximum amount he can be fined over the course of the season (apparently his practice skipping is pre-meditated).

This move certainly doesn't carry the global cachet of playing in China. For one, he'd be balling or squad named after a strange soda. Forget any world-wide endorsement deals, they'd be regional at best. If you think that soft drink is weird, we don't recommend Turkey's other popular carbonated beverage, Mountain Hedo.

Arenas Wasn't "Nick"ed Up

Unofficial NRA member and occasional player for the Washington Bullets, er, Wizards, Gilbert Arenas faked a knee injury so that fellow guard Nick Young could receive some more playing time. The ploy mostly worked, as Young scored 24 points, but Arenas has been fined $50K by the team for his deception. Hope every point you watched your teammate score from the bench was worth $2,083.33, Gilbert.

As the sole beneficiary of the dumb decision, Young should step up and foot the bill to express his gratitude, but Arenas shouldn't have had to resort to that tactic. As the senior-most veteran and expected leader of a callow team, he should have lobbied on Young's behalf, not lied. There was no (k)need for duplicity.

Heat Show Air-ogance

The only team talked about this summer, the Miami Threet, are above practicing at a gym. They need a grander stage, so they've been getting their Top Gun on, scrimmaging at a Florida Air Force base this week (we can't reveal the exact location, but it's off the highway to the danger zone). The setting is ironic, because the Air Force is known for employing stealth and there's nothing under-the-radar about this bunch. In the scant time they've been together, Bosh, Wade and LeBron have already hot dogged more than an Oscar Myer employee.

Maybe the motive is pure -- to display appreciation to a local branch of the military -- but it seems more like another way to call attention to themselves by doing something out of the ordinary to create a spectacle, which is unnecessary since this team has more coverage than a Muslim woman's wardrobe.

A High Tech Problem

Kendrick Perkins, you might want to work on being perky. The NBA revealed on Friday that it is doubling the fines for technical fouls this season. The amount will start at $2,000 and increase by 1K per every 5 technicals. If a player manages to amass 16 techs or more, the amount caps at $5,000. Last year, 3 players finished the regular season with 16 or more technicals: Perkins, Rasheed Wallace and Dwight Howard.

What does this mean? Superman can fly -- just not off the handle. And Kobe (14 techs) would be wise to have less beef with the refs. Similarly, Amar'e (13) needs to not adopt a New Yorker attitude (let Spike Lee do your shouting for you) and 'Melo (13) must mellow. Now it's becoming clear why Wallace decided to retire.