A Non-Harry Potter Wizard Comes to Orlando*

The writing was on the wall for Gilbert Arenas in Washington. In permanent ink. In a bold, easy-to-read font. We hear Dan Gilbert did the stenciling. Although in this case, the writing was actually the wall -- John Wall. And the wall was the metaphorical barrier the formerly accessible Arenas put up between himself and those around him after the firearms incident. He exchanged silliness for seriousness, but it came off as sulky, Malfoy-ish. His new attitude, like a homemade Christmas sweater, was unflattering and ill-fitting. Washington might have put him in the vanishing cabinet, but Arenas locked the doors. A change of scenery was inevitable; it was a matter of waiting for a team to gamble on Gilbert. In the end, Washington was so desperate to unload Arenas, they were willing to take on Rashard Lewis' max contract, a deal so horrendous you'd think Isiah Thomas brokered it. Lewis has more gold than Gringotts.

There's a fine line between quirky and loony and Arenas leaped several feet across it last season without looking. It's one thing to shout about grills after knocking down shots and another to brandish guns, even though the wapons were kept to the confines of the locker room. He's slowly inched his way back to the saner side, but he's not been very apologetic about his actions, whereas an athlete like Michael Vick has. As a result, he's been a favorite (pistol) whipping boy of the media, us included.

With his trade to Orlando, Arenas shares another similarity to Vick: he is fortunate to be granted a second chance in a stellar situation where he won't be asked to contribute immediately. The Magic are one of the best teams in the east and possess a solid (when healthy) borderline-all-star point guard in Jameer Nelson. Orlando's other trade of re-acquiring Hedo Turkoglu and landing Jason Richardson takes the pressure off of Arenas, as does not having a starting role. He doesn't need to lead, but he will need to follow. Like a trainee at a drive-thru, we're not sure how well Arenas will take orders.

For Arenas to be sent from the squad with the worst record to one that was in the finals two years ago suggests he's back in Santa's good graces, even if he's not in Stern's. This unexpected upgrade should make Arenas jollier than old Saint Nick (not sure if they checked for rosy cheeks during his physical) because he went from eating fruitcake to a plate of milk and cookies, from crummy to crumby.

*but will he be a ball hog(warts)?

LeBron Might Need Witness Protection

The Cavs-Heat game will be broadcast on TNT. Fitting, since we expect it to be explosive. LeBron dropped a bomb on Cleveland when the King abdicated his throne (opting for a kingdom with a better view of the beach) and the fans blew up in anger. Let’s just say President Obama’s Afghanistan exit strategy was less controversial. Returning to his original court could be caustic; a circus where the carnie jumps through a ring of fire to find himself aflame. In both scenarios, there's an elephant in the room, although the animal will be acknowledged.

Only a few wins -- three, to be exact -- separate the two teams heading into their Thursday showdown in Cleveland, but under scrutiny, the Cavs record doesn’t hold up. Their lone quality victory came against the Celtics. A buzzer-beater over the Bucks was their only other win against a playoff-caliber opponent. While the Heat haven't been the hoops Hercules we all hoped for, it’s tough to view this as anything but a pretender vs. a contender, even if the contender right now resembles Little Mac more than Mike Tyson. There's no escaping the fact that this still a featherweight squaring off against a heavyweight.*

The most exciting part will be the pre-game introductions. When we’ll see whether or not frenzied fans show appreciation or animosity towards LeBron. For those who think the former won’t happen, we recently heard Philadelphians cheer not curse Donovan McNabb in his return, surely the sports surprise of the century. Still, neither Cleveland nor LeBron have demonstrated much dignity in the aftermath of “The Decision” and it's not like the Cavs owner, Dan "All Caps" Gilbert, has been much of role model for the fans to follow, investigating the Heat's interactions with LeBron. If Gilbert isn't willing to let go, how can we expect the fans to? There will of course be a furious faction for whom LeBron's new No. 6 jersey might as well be a #666 because he is the Devil incarnate to some. Two things we can count on: 1. The crowd will be louder than Craig Sager’s suit. 2. We will all be witnesses to a mediocre matchup -- unless you're tuning in to the Thursday night football game (we think Michael Vick is more of a must-see than LeBron).

*We'd love to be cool enough to put this in MMA terms, but people are getting punched in way too many parts of the body for us to figure out that sport.

The Raptors Don't Know Jack

As addressed in an earlier entry, if the NBA is serious about trimming teams, Toronto should be at the top of the list. From Vince Young to Chris Bosh, no noteworthy player has wanted to continue onward in Ontario. This pattern will probably continue until Canada produces its own star. And another Steve Nash is a lot less likely than another Jamaal Magloire. As far into the future as we can see Raptors will try to get by with cast-offs, journeymen and past-their-prime players, which is fine for a D-League team, but horrid for an NBA club. They have added one from the third category, Peja Stojakovic, following a lop-sided trade with the Hornets. New Orleans gets one of the best backups in the league to spell Chris Paul, Jarett Jack, while Toronto gets a one-dimensional, aging guy with a bad back. Stojakovic’s scoring has declined for the past four seasons and he’s missed 41 games in the past two years – half a season’s worth.

This may seem like a minor move on the surface, but consider this: When the Hornets traded Darren Collison for Trevor Ariza, they gave away a promising young PG, who nearly matched Chris Paul’s production -- as a rookie. That exchange has worked in the Hornets favor, since Ariza has helped shore up a suspect defense from a season ago. Coach Monty Williams has made a concerted effort to reduce Paul’s minutes and now he can cut them more if he chooses because Jack is one of the best backups in the league and a borderline starter (he was splitting time with Jose Calderon in Toronto). So, the Hornets regained depth, while the Raptors sacrificed the only depth they had on a low-ball offer. Why not wait until the trading deadline (still months away), when the playoff picture is clearer, before jettisoning Jack? We’re confident Miami will be shopping for a PG soon. Maybe the Raptors are counting on their country’s superior health care system to restore Stojakovic’s health. To top it off, the Hornets saved money in the deal. Is it any wonder these teams’ records are nearly mirror images of each other (the Hornets are 12-5, while the Raptors are 6-11)? Like mixing Molson with maple syrup*, this trade should leave a bad taste in the mouths of Raptors fans. Simply put, Toronto got Jacked.

*Any competent Canuck knows LaBatts is the correct choice, as part of a booze-filled breakfast. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to our EhEh meeting.