Aye, There's the Rub*

We apologize for our time away, but Kobe kept stunting the development of our stories. Kobe was dominating the keyboard, while we stood off to the side by the mouse, ready to be used if needed (almost always, Kobe went with the trackpad).

Last week, Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are "pretty much the worst team in the NBA," and we agree with that assessment^ - although they've won two in a row without him in the lineup - now that the Bobcats, losers of 11 straight, are back to being the harmless and hapless Bobkittens. The Raptors might also be the most OCD team in the association, too.

As Bargnani was airing his feelings of frustration, Amir Johnson was trying to feel out the fiasco on the floor. Johnson wanted to heed his habit of rubbing the ball in between free throws, but in the third quarter that rubbed the ref the wrong way. Forgetting to put the 'tact' in "tactile," Johnson tried to snatch the Spalding from the official and was tossed, then he tossed his mouthpiece, which led to a one-game suspension. At least there's one player in Toronto who wants the ball in his hands. Believe it or not, what Bargnani said, rather than what Johnson did, is more of a touchy subject.

*We're more ham than Hamlet, but we had to quote Shakespeare to mark our 200th post.
^Bargnani has claimed that comment was mistranslated, but we doubt his words were twisted like fusilli.

Points of Interest

Kobe Bryant is the Sam's Club of scorers - he buys buckets in bulk. Last night, he joined an elite club, becoming only the fifth player in league history to exceed 30,000 points. He is the youngest to reach the record, but that's because he passed on college* and entered the association at an earlier age, which wasn't an option for the others - and isn't allowed anymore, either. And before you offer a high-five for him being among the famed five of Jordan, Malone, Abdul-Jabbar and Chamberlain, consider that it actually took Kobe the most games to meet the milestone - 27 more than "the Mailman" needed to stick his forever stamp on the sacred scoring scrolls (which, if they don't exist, should). Still, the accomplishment represents both quality and quantity. That Kobe's achievement came against the Hornets, the team that traded him on draft day 16 years ago, meant on Wednesday he was making a point that won't show up on the stat sheet.

Guys and Dolls: We segue from Kobe to Barbie. Byron Scott isn't babying his young players, he's giving them babies. The Cavs coach has doled out dolls and strollers to the team's three rookies without a word as to why. We think coach confused the buddy system with the My Buddy system.

*See? Kobe passes sometimes.

Talking Sit

It's a good thing that during our extended break* we didn't miss much, like the Wizards breaking the curse that caused their dirty dozen game start to the season or defeating the defending champs, Rajon Rondo snapping his 10-plus assists streak at 37 games after snapping at Kris Kardashian Humphries over an ordinary foul on KG, Charles Barkley broadcasting a game, the Bobcats already equaling their win total from all of last year, the Garden being fertile ground for the Knicks who are 7-0 at on home soil (maybe because J.R. Smith is now more committed to his ballclub than clubbing), Tony Parker and Tim Duncan's going black op on a Halloween photo op, and a new name that New Orleans will come to egret - whoops, we mean regret.

But the most significant story of all was David Stern fining the Spurs a quarter of a million dollars for the coach Gregg Popovich's choice to sit Duncan, Parker, Manu Ginobli and Danny Green in the final contest of a six-game road. Popovich has put this plan in place plenty of times before, but never so early in the season and not when scheduled to play nationally televised game, which is what caused the commissioner to have a conniption.

Stern asininely attempted to argue that the franchise had done a disservice to the fans attending. It was an away game, so he means Miamians, who are noted for feeling about pro sports the way the water on their beaches does: luke-warm. These are the same fortunate fans whose team won the most recent title. The lucky bastards backers who have the privilege of "witnessing" the greatest player in the league on nightly basis, plus Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Ray Allen.

With his stiff sanctions, Stern showed that in the association, there's not only no rest for the wicked, there's no rest for the wonderful, either (San Antonio is 14-4). Popovich restrained response to repercussions was that he was "disappointed." Rightly so, since this unprecedented, pricey penalty shouldn't sit well with the Spurs.

*Let's just say the torpor was due to turkey day, after which we couldn't put our big-boy pants on (Kobe's advice to "just adjust" didn't work on our belt) - or make our way to a keyboard (we blame a kilo of key lime pie for the latter).

Bowled Over

Even though he hasn't yet played a minute this season, Andrew Bynum managed to incur a lane violation - a bowling lane violation. Bynum confessed that while recovering from a right knee injury, he hurt his left knee on Saturday at an alley, possibly pushing back his return even further and into 2013. The Sixers, who brought in Bynum via a blockbuster trade, have a history of buying bum big men. In 2008, the team signed Elton Brand, despite him coming off an 8-game season, severely shortened by an Achilles injury. Brand never regained his All-Star form in Philadelphia and was released in July. At least in this case, the team hasn't committed to Bynum, who's in the final year of his contract. Still, you can find less damaged goods at the bottom of a Black Friday bin.

Bynum believes bowling wasn't more rigorous than rehab, which could be true, but plunking pins is still a pinhead move that'll make Philly fans want to tear out their - and also his - hair*. We don't know how good a bowler Bynum is; the center may be able to pick up a spare, but the Sixers can't pick up a spare center.


*We suspected the fifth Beatle was a brotha.

Truant or False?

Houston, we have a problem. Rockets rookie Royce White, who is battling a fear of flying, is now battling with the team that drafted him. White, through his publicist*, issued a statement claiming the club has been "inconsistent" in how it has handled his anxiety disorder and expressed regret at revealing his mental malady. White, who has yet to get into a game, has adopted a Ferris Bueller attitude about practice this week and taken it off without permission. Meanwhile, the team intended to assign him to the D-League, where the only mode of transportation is by bus. We don't know what plan the two sides formulated to help him face his phobia, but going Greyhound doesn't appear to sit well with White^. Houston would only say that White is "not available" - maybe they mean emotionally?

*maybe focus on dealing with the full-court press instead of the press

^perhaps, the question isn't what are these parties going to do, but rather what aren't they going to do?

Hire Learning

You could say the Lakers search for a head coach took Seven Seconds or Less. The Lakers decided not to fill their vacancy with Phil. The team opted against bringing back Jackson, much to the surprise of everyone, including the guy given the gig, Mike D'Antoni, who confessed to the New York Daily News, "When I got the call that it was me, my first reaction was, 'Are you serious?'" And, we imagine, Jim Buss, also talking like a teenager, responded, "Yeah, totes. Serious as Jacob's love for Bella!" To which D'Antoni then replied, "This is cray-cray!"

Jackson was thought to be the consensus choice, but rumors are that while he loves the work of Jack Kerouac, he was reluctant to be on the road, due to persistent health problems. D'Antoni and Nash had a productive partnership in Phoenix for four seasons, two of which were MVP years for the guard. As an assistant, D'Antoni has coached Kobe and Dwight Howard on the Olympic team. D'Antoni also carries a reputation as a players coach. Then again, so did Mike Brown. And it was a player, a star fellow, who cost D'Antoni his last job in New York. There are reasons to select D'Antoni, but last we checked, the championship count was: Jackson 11, D'Antoni 0.

D'Antoni is tasked with taking this team to the top and it'll be an uphill climb for him. He has the high-priced equipment, but can he figure out how to best utilize it?* Meanwhile, the Zen master is already seated at the summit, meditating (working through why he isn't working). And Bernie Bickerstaff is seeking out a staffing agency.

*if not, he'll be asked to take a hike

Brown Out

Even though Mike Brown has a pair of glasses to match his every suit, as well as an endorsement deal with Oakley, we don't think he saw this coming. Brown has been fired following the Lakers bad beginning. L.A.'s glaring 1-4 record caused a crabby Kobe Bryant to glare from the bench during a loss on Wednesday (it's fair to say he wasn't Jazzed to be beaten by Utah). Signs that the squad of superstars, who traded for top talent Dwight Howard and Steve Nash in the offseason, were struggling showed in the preseason, when L.A. went winless.

In the end, 2009's Coach of the Year was granted a mere 71 regular season games with the Lakers, of which the club won 42, despite him signing a four-year contract in 2011. Brown told Esquire last year that the amount of eyewear he owned was "embarrassing," so we're wondering what word he would use to describe being dismissed just five games into a season? It's ironic that a man with a surplus of spectacles was faulted for a fading focus.

The Fool Monty

Hornets coach Monty Williams lost his head over how the NBA is handling a head injury to Anthony Davis. The number one overall pick suffered a mild concussion last Friday and has been held out of two games, as per the league's protocol. "It's just that now you treat everybody like they have on white gloves and pink drawers," Williams whined. It sounds like Williams is the one with his New York Knickers in a twist. The league, with its white gloves, reached into Williams' bank account and removed $25K, on Tuesday.

Williams placed blame on the precautionary policies of the NFL pervading the NBA. One glitch in his gripe: there are no helmets in the association. Although cranium contact is less frequent in basketball, players are also less protected, so when it does occur, the collision isn't cushioned by any equipment. If Williams believes Davis should start before he's symptom-free, maybe he should be the one having his head examined.

I (De)Voted

Today, even if he's not re-elected as President, Barack Obama has elected to play basketball. Former White House spokesman Robert Gibbs confirmed that the Commander-in-Chief has asked ex-aide and collegiate hoopster Reggie Love to organize a pick-up game in Chicago. It's a tradition that began in 2008, when the Senator who the scouting report says has an outside shot, had an outside shot at being the Democratic nominee. Running five-on-five with his friends helps Obama takes his mind off running for the Oval Office and his one-on-one battle against Mitt Romney. No word on whether "sport" aficionado Romney plans to saddle up his Olympic horse and play polo.

That's Raceist

Despite the damage of Sandy, which you may have caught commissioner Stern calling "Katrina" during the championship ring ceremony, the New York Marathon will go on Sunday, as planned. And the Meadowlands will welcome fans when the Giants host the Steelers later that afternoon. Yet the Nets and Knicks, scheduled to play yesterday in an unveiling of the billion-dollar Barclays Center, had their game postponed until November 26, at Mayor Michael Bloomberg's urging.

Due to gentrification, people in Brooklyn may no longer be treated like second-class citizens compared to their moneyed Manhattan mates, but sports still are. Holding the other athletic events in the wake of the hurricane is Bloomberg's dumbest decision since taking a hard-line on the size of soft drinks*. Doesn't the mayor have more important matters to tend to than keeping tabs on tall tumblers of Tab? However, the mayor's mind is made up, so we just hope the subways are running before the marathoners are.

*a Coke Zero-tolerance policy, if you will.

Allow Themselves to Introduce...Themselves

A trio of intros from the second night of the season, with a nod to Austin Powers, but not to Austin Rivers (1-for-9 shooting):

1. Take a brow bow, Anthony Davis. The first overall pick showed defense isn't the only dimension of his game by dropping 21 points. However, last year's NCAA leader in swatted shots had only one block and couldn't block the path of the tireless Tim Duncan, who recorded a game-high 24 points. To the deft Duncan, the rook was a mere pawn.

2. Before last night, you probably thought Trailblazers guard Damian Lillard was Matthew Lillard's cousin. Lillard, the pride of Weber State* (which is not Chris Webber's alma mater) and the sixth selection in the draft, totaled 22 points and 11 assists in Portland's victory, but he did maybe more damage inadvertently, when Steve Nash ran into the rookie and hurt his left leg. It turns out athlete Lillard has something in common with actor Lillard: he too made people Scream in fear.

3. James Harden has said that heading to Houston a handful of days ago from Oklahoma City was a "whirlwind." How appropriate that he went on to blow by the Pistons like a hirsute hurricane. Harden had a career-high 12 assists to complement 37 points, 6 boards, 4 steals and a block in Houston's win. Only three players in the past quarter-century can show off a similar stat line: Jordan, Bird and Dwyane Wade. Those weren't the only eye-catching numbers attributed to Harden on Wednesday, as he agreed to an $80 million extension. Best of all was the Linterplay between Harden and his backcourt buddy, Jeremy Lin, who produced 12 points, 8 assists and 4 steals. We predict they'll make as many connections as LinkedIn.

*which we wish Emmanuel Lewis would buy and rename Webster State.

Heat Ring In the New Year

NBA (B)All Day's observations from opening night:

The Good: LeBron James shone like his dazzling 219-diamond championship ring, posting 26 points in 29 minutes of play. However, less predictable performance took place in previous province. Rebounding from a wrist injury that caused him to miss most of last season, Anderson Varejao racked up a career-high 23 rebounds and fell one point and one assist short of a triple-double, in a contest between teams with the second and third-worst records last season, that the league tried to bury on the schedule like it was NBC and Cavaliers-Wizards was Community. Today may be about Washington Irving, but yesterday belonged to Kyrie Irving, who scored a game-high 29 points and will continue causing onlookers to(Ichabod) Crane their necks.

The Bad: Not only did Dwight Howard foul out and the Lakers lose in his debut, his Mavericks counterparts, Elton Brand and Eddy Curry, also in new uniforms, combined to out-rebound him, 15-10, and were within 4 points of matching Howard's scoring total. The defeat at home, coupled with an 0-8 preseason, has caused some cries of "mayday," which is fitting since the Lakers last win was on a day in May.

The Ugly: It's obvious Kevin Garnett was shaken up by Ray Allen bailing on Boston, so he's going to great lengths to pull the rug out from under the carpetbagger, shaking off a handshake before the game. True, Allen was wearing white the night before Halloween, so maybe that's why Garnett treated him like he was a ghost. If this was a horror movie, it'd be titled The Grudge, although Garnett's activity is less paranormal and more passive-aggressive.

A Harden Sell

Halloween arrived early in Houston, although it wasn't hard candy the Rockets hauled in, but an even better treat: James Harden. Despite him helping guide the franchise to their first finals appearance ever this past June. Oklahoma City sent the reigning sixth man of the year to Houston Saturday night, just five days before the Thunder's season starts, after an agreement on a long-term contract couldn't be reached. Skilled scorer Kevin Martin, rookie Jeremy Lamb and three draft picks are the Reese's pieces that found their Milky way to OKC.

$4.5 million was supposedly the small sum between securing Harden for four years and shipping him off. While it would've been the maximum amount of money allowed, that's couch cushion change to teams. Why the Thunder acted hard up for cash in regards to Harden, when they re-signed Serge Ibaka to a 4-year, $48 million deal in August, is as strange as starting seafood shanty in cow capital Oklahoma City. NBA executives fear exceeding the salary cap like comedian Mike O'Malley fears not wearing a cap.

OKC wasn't willing to commit big bucks to a quartet of promising players (Durant, Westbrook, Ibaka and Harden), while Houston is untroubled being tied up with a trio of tyros (Lin, Asik and Harden). We'll see which salary strategy - spending or saving - is sound, but changing the chemistry of a chummy contender so close to the opener is an experiment we wouldn't have gone through with, like Anderson Cooper on daytime television. It should've been too hard for the Thunder to say goodbye to James Harden. GM Sam Presti, prepare to hear boos long after Oct. 31 is over. This is a trade that could come back to haunt the Thunder.

Hi-Yo Silver

In the future, the value of Silver will rise. Well, at least that of deputy commissioner Adam Silver, who was hand-picked as current commissioner David Stern's successor. Stern announced his intent to retire yesterday, effective February 1, 2014, which would mark the 30th anniversary of his tenure. Silver, Stern's kemosabe for 6 years and an NBA employee for 20 years, was approved unanimously by the league's owners. Stern has been grooming Silver like a labrador for when he heads out the door.

Silver is mostly known to fans as the man who earns artificial applause when he announces the second round of the NBA draft, simply for not being Stern*. Stern first stabilized, then strengthened the league, before spreading it across the seven seas. He polished up the league's image as much by punishing players, through drug testing, as by promoting them, which is what he did with the superstars who started their careers simultaneous to the him: Jordan, Barkley, Olajuwon.

Stern's legacy is largely laudable. He grew the game domestically and internationally - attracting alien TV audiences and athletes, creating Canadian clubs, adding seven franchises, founding a farm system in addition to a women's league, which is bad for business, but great for gender equality and goodwill. However, he did preside over four lockouts, let teams leave supportive cities Seattle and Charlotte (basketball has been brought back to the latter, barely), decreed a dress code with class and racial undertones and adjudicated which L.A. team was allowed to acquire Chris Paul last summer.

If the NBA truly is "where amazing happens," we're the first to admit a lot of that amazing happened under David Stern's three-decade reign. The stars made the sport fun, but Stern made it function. What can we say? We love this game! (and we're easily seduced by slogans)

*a contrarian crowd in New Jersey, who would've thought?

Forward Thinking

These days in the association, pure centers are almost as scarce as pure blood samples from Lance Armstrong, yet the league was continuing to put voters in the awkward position of picking players who fit the position, but not the production, expected of an All-Star. An overhauled ballot, which will be released on November 13, has corrected for this cutback in classic centers by allowing fans to choose three frontcourt players, so what they do on the floor is stressed, as opposed to where on the floor they do it and against whom. The NBA saying "take five" to the five spot will likely bring an end to the glory of any future Jamaal Magloires (woe Canada, we stand by on a guard for thee*). Sorry, but when Roy Hibbert was announced last season, we laughed like Dr. Hibbert.

*what we mean is, we'll still cast a vote for Steve Nash, so no hard feelings, eh?

A True 76er

Don Wiberg wanted to check making buckets against pro prospects off his bucket list, so he gave his hoop dreams* the old D-League try - emphasis on "old." The UC Santa Cruz professor is a septuagenarian, one who hadn't played hoops in 20 years when he attended an open audition on Sunday for the NBDL affiliate of the Golden State Warriors, which was accessible to anyone over 18 willing to pay the $100 entry fee. During team tryouts, cramps are common; gramps, less so.

The sum of Wiberg's experience higher than the Y was one year at Cal Tech (go beavers!) before switching to water polo. We assume someone explained the function of the futuristic shot clock to the 76-year-old. Wiberg recognizes he's not Jack LaLanne of the lane. "I can't say that I can run, jump or shoot, because I can't," said the self-effacing senior to the Santa Cruz Sentinel. It's ok, that never stopped Shawn Bradley from having a career.

*in black-and-white, like the TV of his youth.

Love Hurts

Kevin Love will miss at least the first month of the 2012-13 season after breaking his shooting hand during a pre-practice, personal workout. There's no word on what type of workout caused him to hurt his hand. Was he sparring with slabs of frozen meat, a la Rocky? If so, Kevin, don't use all your strength to strike said solid shank; next time, just give it a Love tap.


With less than two weeks until the Lakers open the regular season, Kobe Bryant has a lot on his plate, but he still went to bat for his buddy, Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees slugger has been in a slump and was benched due to poor play, but Kobe called to give him a pep talk, one world-class athlete to another. "I think sometimes he forgets he's the best. I don't," said Bryant, who's also taken some wild swings recently, albeit at long-gone Lakers*, not pitches.

The advice Kobe administered served as a real pick-me-up to A-Rod, in that it inspired him to pick up a woman in the stands. If you can't get a hit on the ball, Rodriguez reasoned, you can at least hit on an Australian bikini model using a ball. In the end, Kobe Kyna reached Rodriguez.

*the secret of Chris Mihm - he sucked - being much less fascinating than The Secret of NIMH.

A Very Special Sauce

A two decade's old condiment was money in the bank for Mort Bank. The North Dakotan, formerly a McDonald's franchise owner, sold a gallon of McJordan BBQ sauce, circa 1992, on eBay for nearly $10K to an unknown man from Chicago. The item was on the site for several months, but the auction turned - as the sauce surely did years ago - when Banks added the "buy it now" option, boosting the bidding to ten times the amount of the old offers. Bank isn't revealing the gent's identity, but clearly the buyer is richer than the dressing he just dealt for.

We don't need a name, what he want to know is: does the fast food foodie still have the 20-year-old corresponding sandwich that he's been saving to complete the meal with?* We doubt he'll be dunking regular McNuggets in it^. If anything, to get his $9,995 worth, he'll be dipping gold nuggets.

*that burger has to have some serious freezer burn by now.

^for the authentic Michael Jordan eating experience, you have to "dunk" with your tongue dangling down towards your chin.

For Kobe, "The Worst" is Over

We apologize for our unannounced absence. Would you believe we got completely caught up in the WNBA playoffs? You wouldn't? Would you believe we were working with Rockets rookie Royce White, who has a fear of flying, to solve transportation troubles? We suggested he ride in a Rolls Royce. You wouldn't, either? Would you believe we were busy ghostwriting a series of children's literature for Amar'e Stoudemire? You still wouldn't? You skeptical son of a bitch, smushing our fragile feelings like Kobe Bryant did to a certain former teammate, who he didn't throw under a bus so much as toss him beneath a fleet of tractor trailers. Well, at least it was generous of Kobe to grant Parker double the amount of time in the spotlight Andy Warhol would've allotted him. We think Kobe had less of a problem with Parker's 30 minutes of fame, than his 30 minutes a game. Parker says Bryant seldom spoke to him and brushed off bonding to be with bodyguards. Isolation is Bryant's preferred plan on and off the court. It's possible Kobe believes to figuratively separate himself from fellow players, he must literally separate himself from them.

Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.

*He said he needed them finished STAT.

BELLigerent

On paper, Raja Bell is a part of the Jazz, but in practice, he's not part of practice. The veteran guard is on Utah's active training camp roster, but the team has requested that he not report. Bell wasn't buying in to coach Tyrone Corbin during his first full year, remarking that their relationship has suffered "irreparable damage,"* but the team has yet to buy Bell out. Both sides have made it clear as a, ahem, Bell he won't be back^.

Ball don't lie, but Rasheed Wallace do. Reports are that Knicks have agreed to CTC (that's Cut The Check, in 'Sheed slang) for Wallace, who retired after the 2009-10 season, meaning he'll have more cobwebs on him than a haunted house. The 38-year-old Wallace adds to already aging assemblage of: Jason Kidd (39), Marcus Camby (38) and Kurt Thomas (39). This quartet is so old, we're dubbing them, "The Golden Guys," and have selected the squad's entrance song: "Thank You for Being a Season Ticket Holder Friend."

At 22-44, the Nets were a joke last season, as they've been for half a decade, but Deron Williams didn't find it funny that his teammates were tee-heeing, post-trouncing. "I think no matter who it is, if you were there every day and you saw what was going on in the locker room you'd be pissed off too sometimes. You're getting your asses kicked and then you're in the locker room laughing about the game afterwards," explained Williams, who found the yuking yucky. He'd rather his pals play their asses off, than laugh them off.


*Like that between Amanda Bynes and BMW.

^It's The Casual Vacancy nearly no one is interested in.

IDKNY

Here's a riddle for you: What's black and white and difficult to view? No, not The Artist, the ugly uniforms unveiled this week for the Brooklyn Nets cheerleaders. Designer David Dalrymple wanted to show the city's scrappy side - "It's a different sensibility. We go hard," he told the New York Post - but it's the seedy side he's succeeded in stressing. Oh, it's hard - hard to look at. Lots of latex, front-zippers, studded knee-high boots, fingerless gloves and a Zubaz-esque leotard - all so tight even the pants of the borough's horde of hipsters can't compare*.

There are seven costumes, which coincidentally is the same as the number of deadly sins, but while these outfits may provoke anger and lust, they won't elicit envy. What do we make of the makeover? Well, if the Nets players fail to dominate their opponent, at least they can call on the cheerleaders to do so, S&M-style.

*also, at least as much vinyl as a hipster's record collection.

(X-)Mas Effect

Autumn is often appreciated as the time when the leaves begin to turn, but Denver coach George Karl sees it as the season sports supporters turn toward games on the gridiron. He'd rather the association adopt what we're calling the "reverse bear strategy" and wait for winter before emerging from hibernation.

"When we start playing in late October, people are thinking football," he explained. True, but they're also thinking about how they hate raking leaves, anxiously awaiting an appearance from the Great Pumpkin and wondering whether they're too old to dress up for Halloween*.

The NHL isn't cowering over the competition; their year begins almost a month earlier than the NBA's^. The Florida Panthers aren't afraid of the Carolina Panthers, so Bucks need not be bothered by the Bucs. Paring the schedule is one proposition, but pushing it back because people are too preoccupied with pigskin is another.

A December delay won't dodge distractions. Unless Karl is convinced the assumed audience's attention wasn't focused on anything else of importance when the season opened on 12-25 in 2011. Evidently, Karl can't see the forest for the Christmas trees.

*or, if you're a woman, how much skin you can show without seeming like a skank.

^ that is, in the rare years they agree to play hockey.

#1 with a Bullet

After recent remarks, you could claim Jason Terry Uzis oozes confidence. Asked about his role on the Celtics during a team golf tournament, the reputed gunner was quick on the trigger: "My mission is to kill." We think he meant the competition - unless he's turning into a Terryorist - but we're not certain those comments convey what caliber of player Terry is. For the Celtics to contend, his streaky shot will have to be better than semi-automatic.

The Lakers road to the championship might've already hit a speed bump - or at least struck a similar street hazard. Steve Blake incurred an irregular injury when he somehow stepped on a tire shredder strip in a parking lot, which pierced the sole of his left foot. The weird wound will prevent him from practicing for three weeks. It's unclear if the injury occurred, as most do with denticulate deterrents, while the backup was backing up. However it happened, Blake's eyesight must not be as sharp as said serrated spikes.

The city council in Seattle on Monday approved a plan to build a new $490 million arena, a major measure towards founding/finding a future franchise, since the Sonics left the rain for new terrain four years ago. The $200 mill. in agreed upon public financing is a latte lot of (star)bucks. Here's to hoping the home of Sir-Mix-a-Lot is (baby got) back in the NBA mix soon.

Gonzaga, But Not Forgotten

Quick quiz: What was missing from the league last season? If you answered 16 games on the schedule per squad, you are technically correct (and sort of a smart-ass). However, if you possess a keener, kookier eye for the game, you'll have noticed the league was lacking a bewhiskered, bygone Bobcats bust: Adam Morrison*. The man who looks like he makes his own trail mix has signed with the Trailblazers, after a stint in Serbia and time in Turkey. The contract is one-year for the veteran's minimum, so there's as good a chance that Morrison winds up on the roster opening day as there is that he winds up on the set of Portlandia^.

Speaking of draft disappointments, Darko Milicic, who we're now calling "Amnesty International," following his release by the Timberwolves, toyed with a European reunion before choosing the Celtics. There are Darko days ahead in Boston and we envision Kevin Garnett dressing him down so much that KG ultimately uses him as a coat rack. Milicic's presence will be petty, except when holding petticoats.

*And if you had paid even closer attention, you'd have observed that he was actually absent from the association for 2 years.

^We're sure the producers find the idea of a locally-sourced actor appealing. Morrison may not be free-range, but he's definitely long-range.

Mission: Impossibulls

Metta World Peace is past his prime, but that won't prevent him from pursuing a prime and positively preposterous number this season: 73. That's the amount of victories he professes is a "goal" for the Lakers, which would surpass the stupendous 72-10 mark set by the dynastic and fantastic Chicago Bulls in 1995-96. To accomplish this, L.A. would have to win 89% of its games, a Jennifer Aniston-sized bump up from the 62% it triumphed in last year.

Sadly, The Artist Formerly Known As Artest's outrageous objective is more predictable than peculiar. Like making out in middle-school, Metta is over-the-top, twitching his tongue too much, anxious to go all the way before anyone is ready (Dwight Howard, physically and Antawn Jamison, emotionally). Call us pessimists, but when it comes to setting a new World record, we're not giving Peace a chance.

Call Him Maybe (Hey I Just Sweat for You)

Tracy McGrady is asking teams to mcgrade him. The 33-year-old free agent has worked out for the Spurs and Knicks this week. During his prime, he led the league in scoring twice, but lately has been bothered by a bum knee, so we're not sure T-Mac is T-Mobile anymore. In other words, he shouldn't expect the phone to ring with camp invites.

Hall of Famer James Worthy isn't sure Dwight Howard is worthy of being a Laker. Talking to the L.A. Times, he called Howard's hesitance to play there "gibberish" and condemned the center's complainy, conflict-causing conduct last season (he considered that "nonsense"*). Worthy also wasn't above giving a lesson in geography/sociology, observing, "This is not Orlando." You're right, it's L.A., where dozens upon dozens of dramatic divas dwell. Dwight might be right at home there.

*we get the sense that if the interview went 5 minutes more, Worthy would've worked "gobbledygook" into the conversation.

Hilfiger It Out

Rajon Rondo can get up and run away on the floor, but can he grade getups on the runway (thusly flooring us)? Last Thursday, he began a brief internship at men's magazine GQ for fashion week by sitting front row at a Duckie Brown* show. GQ guaranteed that he'd gab about garb by blogging, interviewing and critiquing throughout the week, but so far he's produced one piddling post: two-sentence reviews of a quartet of humdrum knit hats. We won't be tipping our cap to him for selecting such banal beanies. Rondo's court vision is pretenatural; however, his clothing vision is plebeian. Maybe this tour of couture wasn't garment to be.

*no, that's not Kwame Brown's brother.

Hell(o), Again

They faced off in the finals, then formed a fearsome faction for the Olympics - and don't forget their fun flag football game. Now, LeBron James and Kevin Durant are together training for the second straight offseason, teaming up for two-a-day workouts on James' turf in Ohio, during what they've dubbed "hell week." We think it's wonderful that they're both homeboys and hellboys. LeBron tweeted that Tuesday's session covered conditioning on a court, football field and a hill. If they keep doing these demanding drills as a duo, they'll be set to scrap with The Golden Army soon.

The Social Net Worth

File this under the "it might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie" category: Justin Timberlake has decided to buy, buy, buy a stake in the Grizzlies. What made the musician elect to'N Vest? Memphis is his hometown and he has reportedly become buddies with (possibly friends with benefits) anticipated new majority owner Michael Pera, who claims he's committed to keeping the team in the city, stopping just short of singing, "This I Promise You." The partnership makes sense, since Pera made his fortune in wireless technology and Timberlake supports the No Strings Attached style. Timberlake's duties will include directing the dance squad, explaining explicitly to Pera how to engage in FutureSex, crooning "I Want You Back" to the team's free agents (should they still decide to depart, "It's Tearin' Up My Heart," will be whined) and keeping Joey Fatone from eating more hot dogs than he sells at the concessions stand.

Some pizza producers promote rising crust, but this chain's crust has Rose. Derrick Rose has bought into Giordano's, as the company seeks to expand like baking dough, out of the Chicago area. It didn't require deep thought or an examination of pie charts for Rose to decide on a deal involving deep dish pies, just a discussion between his agent and a bigwig at the business. It turns out Rose is a fan of the food and his image will be featured on the boxes. If Giordano's seeks to spread successfully, its delivery will need to be as accurate and accelerated as Rose's.

A Small Dos of Shaq

We're not sure if the association has a retired players foreign exchange program, but not long after Eduardo Najera, the first Mexican-born player to be drafted, was named the coach and part-owner of the D-League's Texas Legends, it's being reported that Shaq is in discussions to suit up South of the Border. ¡Que coincidencia! Fuerza Regia has invited the Shaqtus to be indigenous to the Monterrey area, for a two-game stint in October.

The club has signed side-shows before, such as Dennis Rodman, which makes sense, since "The Worm" has found the worm at the bottle of a few tequila bottles and because he's the closest approximation to a luchador that the NBA has had, plus players who are sort-of stars, in that their names contain connections to constellations: Jamario Moon and 7'9" Sun Ming Ming. We encourage the gringo to go; say si and see the country. For instance, after you've flattened a few flaco foes like tortillas, treat yourself to a trip to Shaqapulco.

As Ew Like It

It's been a decade since he last played pro hoops and earlier this month he turned 50, but that isn't stopping Patrick Ewing from restarting his signature sneaker line, which has been inactive longer than the former Knicks star. Ewing Athletics will return to the retail market tomorrow, rolling out initially in New York City, with the 33 Hi Retro. We have no recollection of this brand, active for about 5-6 years in the early-to-mid-'90s - and we remember such short-lived sensations as British Knights and L.A. Gear - so the $100 price for the Hi strikes us as high; to put business in basketball terms, we view it as throwing up a brick. His footwear, unlike his footwork, was forgettable and featureless (where was the inflatable device?). We suggest selling a shoe more suited to his advancing age: the Ewingtip.

Lew AlCinder Blocks

The Lakers are finally (sky)hooking up Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with a statue outside of the Staples Center. In the 23 years since his retirement, he's seen shrines set up for the logo Jerry West, Magic Johnson and...Chick Hearn? The voice of reason should state sonorously that the league's all-time leading scorer be immortalized ahead of the voice of the team. We were starting to think the stadium sponsor's easy button would be bronzed before him. One possible reason for the honor's hold-up: the Lakers thought he didn't work hard enough on defense and didn't really try, except during the playoffs*.

*start at :30 into the clip, unless you want to watch Jerry Sandusky moonlighting as a pilot.

No Pacific Plans*

When one of the Maloof brothers asks, "Which way to the beach?," he's asking for directions to the dunes in VA, not CA. Rumors, like ocean waters, are swirling that the Sacramento Kings are plotting a possible relocation some 2,900 mi away to Virginia Beach. The city's mayor confirmed there will be a Tuesday meeting with team officials and cable company Comcast would work with the city to construct an arena. However, the Hampton Roads area has been down this road before, as a candidate considered when the Charlotte Hornets went hive hunting (the big sleazy, ex-owner George Shinn, chose the Big Easy - proving he sure knew how to Picayune a site where there's as little support for the squad as there is for the newspaper). Seattle and Anaheim are other places in pursuit, so resettling on the east coast is not a shore thing.

Not only did Mark Cuban fail to acquire his prized PG, he also fell short in retaining his one from the past season, Jason Kidd, and he's rationalizing the former rebuff, while ranting about the latter one. Oh, plus Jason Terry took off, too. Maybe Cuban should spend less time on Shark Tank and more time in a think tank. Here's a million-dollar business idea: focus on your multi-million-dollar business.

*but perhaps some Atlantic ones

The Rummage Diary

Good news for the Phoenix Suns, Michael Beasley will be arriving with, literally, less baggage. Last weekend, there was an estate sale at the house Beasley was renting in Minnesota. According to attendee and journalist Joan Niesen, there was a bevy of bizarre bric-a-brac that wasn't befitting of a basketball player, such as Swedish screenplays, medical textbooks and a set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like bunnies. Those belongings don't seem to belong - except on Antiques Roadshow - but perhaps in his spare time Beasley was studying cinematography and anatomy, while lounging on pile of frilly pillows.

Maybe not every millionaire athlete buys Bentleys, maybe some buy baubles. Either that or he hired an elderly interior decorator - how else to explain glass grapes (because edible fruit isn't fragile enough)? Beasley has had past problems with possession, but it's his possessions that leave us perplexed.

Pay Through the Toes

LeBron James garnered gold, but footwear fanatics will have to give theirs away to buy his shoes. After rampant reports that Nike's new LeBron X, slated for a fall release, will retail for upwards of $300, the company clarified that would be for a limited edition which includes motion sensors that will measure vertical leap (you can sure jump higher when your wallet's three Benjamins lighter), and the base model will sell for the affordable amount of $180, a bargain for the bourgeois (just 25 hours of labor at minimum wage will secure you shiny swooshes). For that sadly standard for the sport, yet still staggering sum, you could buy 12 pairs of Stephon Marbury's sneakers - if only they were available anymore (starbury.com lists both lines of his $14.98 kicks as being out of stock). Call us cheap (and algebra airheads), but spending for X would be as excruciating an exercise as solving for x was in seventh grade.

High-end hightops are in high demand, as evidenced by the free-for-all over an All-Star edition in February, that turned Foot Locker into the Hurt Locker. The Wall Street Journal reports that Nike has increased prices of its products by between 5-10% from last year. If this trend continues, soon the support consumers will care about from their footwear will be financial.

Great Ball of China

In a charity game in Shanghai comprised of Chinese celebrities, Kobe Bryant scored 68 points in the 15-minute second half after sitting out the first (he didn't plan to play, but was pressed to since his side was losing, the opposition's lead padded by popular demand - 20 points were tacked on via text*). That's a rate of 4.5 points per minute. With that sort of prolific production, he was a one-worker fastbreak factory. Kobe also strummed an electric guitar at centercourt with cheerleaders encircling him. It was a chance to show off a solo before he showed off - solo.

Vivek Shah, a student, spotted Brooklyn Nets CEO Brett Yormark on the street in NYC and struck up a conversation. Yormark was impressed - considering that, until recently, Nets players weren't even recognized, much less front-office folks - so he invited Shah to tour the workplace, then offered him an internship. It all happened so fast, someone in the video documenting it should've said, "on Yormark, ready, set, go!"

*the Chinese are permitted to vote to pile on points in a purposeless basketball game, but not for their political leaders. Makes sense.

Chandler Bling

Espn.com has begun ranking every NBA player, in reverse order, from 500th to first. You'd have to be more die-hard than Bruce Willis to recognize most of the 34 John Does judged so far, such as #470 Jerome Dyson, who apparently sucks as much upright as a regular Dyson. It must drive guys such as #482 Morris Almond nuts to be so low, and despite what his name suggests, gladness can't be what #466 Mickell Gladness is feeling about his pitiful place. Juwan Howard #476 has faded from "fab" to drab, while #472 Mike Bibby should put on a parachute to prevent plummeting further. At the very bottom is another name worth noting: Eddie Curry. That has to hurt, especially since his former "Baby Bulls" buddy, Tyson Chandler, just won gold at the Olympics, while the only Gold the oft-overweight Curry is grabbing is Rold Gold. Maybe Eddie can commiserate with another recently wronged Curry: Ann.

Possibly unsatisfied with the 8-carat, $4 million-dollar ring her husband gave her as a sorry-for-sleeping around gift in 2003, Vanessa Bryant has her sights set on a ring that, unlike her forgiveness, can't be bought. "I certainly would not want to be married to someone that can't win championships," Vanessa Bryant is quoted as saying, being forthcoming in a forthcoming New York magazine interview. We have one question: Do fantasy basketball championships count? If so, then Yahoo! - that's both an exclamation of elation and also the site we won them on - because once she sees our titles, it won't be long before she changes her title to Mrs. NBA (B)All Day.

Weights Loss

It seems gym ownership isn't working out for Michael Jordan. A Chicago facility is facing foreclosure and Jordan stands to suffer a greenback setback of as much as $1.5 million should it shutter, so he might be looking for somebody to spot him - some cash. When it comes to bankrolling a business, just like running an NBA franchise, Jordan doesn't know squat.

According to an adage often applied in shampoo commercials, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so in his introductory press conference with the Lakers, Dwight Howard demonstrated his Kobe Bryant impression, deepening his voice in describing the welcoming phone call he received. Howard was his happy-go-lucky former self, announcing that impersonations of Metta World Peace and Pau Gasol were in the works. The reason Howard was at ease and channeling his inner Jim Carrey was because he knows he doesn't have to carry this team.

Gold Mettle

First, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony all took turns torching Argentina on Friday (playing well was the best revenge for Carmelo). Then, Team USA went out and earned first in a grueling gold medal game against the size of Spain, featuring the Gasol brothers and naturalized Spaniard Serge Ibaka. It was a tall order, but in the end, the team with only one true center prevailed over one with a trio of them, reaching the heights that were presumed but not promised.

Ironically, as an object was being hung around their necks, a great weight was being lifted off their shoulders. If you had any doubts whether the precious metal was regarded as a precious medal by the players, all you had to do was look at and listen to Kobe Bryant afterwards. In his long consolation hug with Lakers teammate Pau Gasol, a man thought of as callous was conspicuously compassionate. It was a reminder that the Olympics bring out the best in everyone.*

*except that psycho, private part-puncher, Nicholas Batum.

The Price is Dwight

L.A. Lakers, come on down! The Orlando Magic finally found a contestant eager to play a game involving a great that was getting to be grating. The Lakers underbid, yet still succeeded in the showcase showdown, snatching the big prize: the league's best big man. The Magic were content to clear out Howard for a crappy consolation gift - the equivalent of a chinet set or a lifetime supply of off-brand motor oil - in Al Harrington, Aaron Afflalo, Nikola Vucevic, Moe Harkless and three future draft picks - one each from the trio of other teams included. Two other all-stars were traded - Andrew Bynum and active Olympian Andre Iguodala - but neither are moving to the Magic Kingdom; their final destinations are Philly and Denver, respectively, where Iguodala will run and gun with the nimble Nuggets, while Bynum might be one and done with the speculative Sixers, who hope Bynum will be hooked on his hometown team.

The seismic swap doesn't leave the Magic empty-handed (Afflalo is above-average), but it might mean that they're empty-headed*. They let the Lakers convert their cantankerous center for the superior and slightly less sulky one, which resulted in a restocking of their twin towers of power. Although not the level of larceny at work in landing Gasol, the buy-low scenario made it easy for the Lakers to say "bye" to the bi-polar Bynum. For Orlando, the headache is gone, but the massive migraine will start soon. Better pop some Superman-strength Advil.

*We recommend having the executives spayed and neutered.

Down Under Goes Australia

Mostly missing in action in the Olympics and held scoreless in the first half, Kobe Bryant piled up 20 points in the last 20 minutes of the game to assert himself against Australia. Kobe, who had been viewing voluminous victories from the distance of the bench, this time was involved late and did it from distance - connecting on six three-pointers - to distance Team USA from its feisty foe in the fourth quarter.

Kobe wasn't the only awesome American versus the Aussies, as LeBron James assembled the first Olympic triple-double ever by a U.S. player, providing 11 points, 14 rebounds and 12 assists. Patty Mills (26 points) and his mates didn't play patty-cake, they came to compete, and came close to gutting it out, even without Andrew Bogut in the lineup. Australia went on an 11-0 tear to open the third, showing they could strike the stars and not be star-struck. But Bryant buried three straight threes during a 17-2 burst, so that before long, even Australia's costumed kangaroo was congratulating him. Like the marsupial mascot, Kobe had a special spring in his step.

Cruel Summer Camp

If the word "camp" is, as John Waters once defined it on the Simpsons, "the tragically ludicrous, the ludicrously tragic," then Dwight Howard not attending the camp for kids that carries his name is just that: camp. Howard had already delayed the annual two-day event by six weeks because his is in L.A. rehabbing, but backing it up turned to backing out, due to a bad bad, so the $199 registration fee will bring backup Andrew Nicholson - who not even the league's website can show you what he looks like (attendees will have to identify him by his Canadianness, such as the way he pronounces "Orlando")- to the young'uns. Just because Howard's an unhappy camper doesn't mean he has to make his own campers unhappy, too. Howard's acting more childish than any youth who signed up.

If you don't tire of learning Jeremy Lin news, you'll want to keep track of the Linformation that Taiwan tire company Maxxis struck a deal to sponsor the Houston Rockets. Like their rival manufacturer, Maxxis is hoping for a Goodyear out of Lin. There's a more obvious brand that should've burned rubber to link itself with Houston's new PG. After all, you can't spell "Michelin" without 'lin.'

A Low Blowout

Team USA learned how to change a close contest into a cinch: let loose the league's three-time scoring champion. What was a mere one-point lead at halftime mushroomed into a 26-point advantage after a titanic third quarter, as a dead-eye Durant drained five threes (and, by himself, equaled Argentina's output in the turnaround third, with 17 points), which drained the energy of an aggressive Argentina team.

Unable to halt Durant hitting a slew of shots, Argentina could only respond with a cheap shot, as Facundo Campazzo appeared to hit Carmelo Anthony in what we'll call his Manu-region. Maybe in Argentine culture junk-jabbing is the cruel cousin of trash-talking. The cajones check caused a crimson-cheeked Coach K to chirp at Louis Scola and spend the rest of the game in his comfort zone, chastising the officials. Thankfully, former Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice, who was sitting in the stands, didn't have to dispense diplomacy (Campazzo did apologize for the unsportsmanlike act, albeit not to the aggrieved, but instead to Kobe Bryant).

Now that preliminary round play is over, Argentina and the U.S. could convene for the third straight semifinals in the Olympics if both win their quarterfinal match-ups. Should the squads square off a second time in London, we expect the sequel to be every bit as testes testy.

'Ello, 'Melo*

As Nigerian author Chinua Achebe is aware, Things Fall Apart. In this instance, that 'thing' was their basketball team. The good news for Nigeria is that they scored 73 points, which is the most a foe has totaled against Team USA in the 2012 Olympics thus far. The not nearly as good news is that they lost by 83 points, effortlessly eradicated by the widest winning margin in Olympic hoops history, as well as the highest amount of points. Both records and their rivals' resolve were broken.

Nigeria's nightmare manifested itself in the form of Carmelo Anthony, who made the most of his 14 minutes of action, exploding like a stick of dynamite dressed as a small forward, for 37 points, setting a U.S. mark. Anthony's shooting was so hot (13-16 from the field) he might've melted the nets. His fantastic firing from beyond the arc - he hit 10 of 12 treys - was beyond belief. The team as a whole torched the twine as well, swishing 71% of its attempts. 'Melo was in the zone, while Nigeria was in The Twilight Zone, behind by 24 after the first quarter and it only got worse, as their scoring total steadily declined every subsequent quarter. Right away, Team USA reeled off a 13-0 run and before Nigeria could counter they were buried like a high school class's time capsule - only with more shameful stuff to scrutinize. Coach K recommended that Nigeria flush the game film, but we're not privy to their plans. That brings to mind the British idiom: You win some, you loo some.

*We know, he's cocky, not Cockney.

Name That Tunisia

Don't feel bad if you were unfamiliar with the northern African nation of Tunisia*, they were participating in only their second Olympic basketball game ever when they tipped off against Team USA Tuesday. Watching the first half, you wouldn't have know that was the case. If France, who the U.S. beat the crepe out of, was a test, Tunisia was supposed to be a tune-up, but the beginners didn't back down. Comparisons can cease between Team USA from 20 years ago and this inferior iteration. The Dream Team wouldn't have been down for a majority of the first quarter (the only thing fell flat with the '92 crew was Chris Mullins' coiffure and that was intentional). Coach K had to beckon his bench bunch before a blowout blossomed. The reserves went into what we call Katie Holmes mode - powerfully pulling away and never looking back.

Still, it wound up being a 47-point win, so, like a chimpanzee concerned with cleanliness, we're nit-picking when we mention too many threes were taken (only Chandler and Davis didn't attempt any out of the 25 heedlessly hoisted). Kobe and company won't be in a sneaker-signing mood on the off-chance Nigeria sneaks up on them tonight. Agreeing to autograph an adversary's adidas is friendly, but now that these games count, they can't be treated as friendlies anymore.

*heck, it wasn't until we we left the public education system that we learned there are continents besides North America and Europe (don't ask us to name them, though).

Jacque Strapped

We can only hope that you didn't strike a poorly-padded wall in frustration, a la Kyrie Irving, while we were away. Speaking of dubious decisions, first-time head coach Jacque Vaughn has something in common with the new Community showrunners - he's inheriting a massive mess made by management coupled with a disgruntled diva (although Dwight Howard's back should be healthier than Chevy Chase's) and a terrible, trifling TV schedule.

Vaughn, who spent two seasons as an assistant in San Antonio, addressed his inexperience: "Would my resume look a little nicer if it said 14 years of experience? Maybe so." Any amount of years between one and his hypothetical number would be better. For the record, 14 is twice as many seasons as his predecessor had under his belt (Stan Van Gundy also had a lot more stomach under his belt). Vaughn's greener than our currency. Vaughn also admitted he has "no relationship" with the huffy Howard.

A hypnotist might've been the ideal hire because preternatural powers of persuasion might be necessary to keep Howard in Orlando, since he's set on swapping Disney's Dumbo for Brooklyn's DUMBO. Good luck taming the elephant in the room before the circus turns chaotic.

Judged by the Companies You Keep

The NBA has moved one step closer to becoming soccer. Besides the frequent flopping that's fooling officials, frustrating fans and interfering with the flow of the game, the league's board of governors agreed to allow ads on jerseys, in the form of patches, beginning in the 2013 season. Said sponsorship patches would also appear on the jerseys sold in stores. What fan wouldn't want to pay to be a billboard? Why merely root for a team when you can cheer for a corporation? Braces yourself for uniforms by Unilever. If you back the T-Wolves, you'll be forced to back T-Mobile, too. And since the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, we're sure you'll get the same satisfaction supporting Joe Johnson as you will supporting S.C. Johnson.

Under this equally greedy and grotesque arrangement, the Clippers will be sponsored by Great Clips, the Lakers by Land O'Lakes, the Kings by Burger King, the Suns by SunTrust (or Sun Life), the Pacers by Pace salsa, the Magic by MagicJack - oh, wait, women's soccer already tried that one. Why not take the intrusive idea even further and sell space within a team's name, that way Denver, proactively applying synergy to brand management, can put the prefix "Mc" in front of Nuggets? That plan would be as tasteless as the product promoted.

Kobe's Age-nda

Is Kobe truly two and through? Bryant said in an interview that he might stick to the old plan he made as an afro'ed rookie and close out his career at 35, which also happens to be when his contract runs its course. Will the Black Mamba seriously slither away after two more years, considering he stood second in scoring during the regular season and the postseason, even raising his average in the playoffs? Considering Kobe's competitiveness and conditioning, exiting early doesn't fit the reptile's rep. Why go dormant while still dominant? Like the reboot of Spider-Man, Kobe's talk of retirement is too soon and we refuse to recognize it*.

You can be elderly and remain extraordinary, as the Lakers newest acquisitions - Steve Nash, 38, and Antawn Jamison, 36, - have exhibited. Those grizzled guys should make Kobe feel young again, as opposed to the toddlers on Team USA, where he is the senior statesman by four years. Keep in mind, Kobe: If you win gold in London that doesn't mean you've entered your golden years.

*And don't get us started on the remake of Total Recall. The three boobs this time will be the trio of people who see the pic.

Obamacareless

We assume Team USA were wearing their Air Force Ones on Monday because the President, First Lady and Vice President were all on hand to watch them beat Brazil in the nation's capital. We also assume they laced them lackadaisically because besides LeBron James - who scored 30 and described playing in front of the President as "humbling" and "overwhelming" - that's how they performed in a weak 11-point win. Paltry passing, minimal movement on offense and shaky shot selection can be blamed for the U.S. being down by double digits at the end of the first quarter. They were putting forth less effort to do their jobs than Congress. When President Obama opined on the Dream Team debate during an interview at halftime, he noted that the Barcelona bunch were never behind on the scoreboard and he'd pick the pioneers to prevail. On that point, even Republicans can concur*.

Instead of bringing Biden, the President might have been better served selecting his Secretary of State because the Commander-in-Chief had to engage in diplomatic relations in order to secure marital relation. Featured on the stadium staple "kiss cam" twice, the First Lady first demurred, but the second time submitted to a smooch. Based on the President needing permission to peck his partner, we now know the pecking order of power in the White House.

*Fact: The Tea Party refers to members of the '92 Dream Teams as the "Founding Fathers," but only the white ones and they all agree that Christian Laettner should've been starting.

ReLINquished

So much for the source that said the Knicks would match offers made up to "one billion dollars" on Jeremy Lin. We're no accountant, but unless our calculations are off, the 3-year, $25 mill. proposed by the Rockets is nowhere near that named number. They vowed to open the vault, but in the end, they wouldn't even open their coin purse to retain Lin. The trailblazing Lin will be replaced by a former Trailblazer, Raymond Felton, who agreed to a sign-and-trade deal. The Knicks determined they'd rather spend $6.33 mill. per season on veterans Jason Kidd and Raymond Felton rather than invest in the younger Lin for $5 mill. a year. Sounds like Kidd wasn't the only one drunk making a dumb decision this weekend.

Sure, the Knicks got deeper by picking up a pair of polished pros, but they didn't think deeper about the social and cultural impact of Lin, the sports success story of 2011, and the profusion of positive press for a franchise that's been a punching bag post-Patrick Ewing. Lin's value extends far beyond the basketball court, to the far east as an Asian-American ambassador to grow the game globally. Houston, where Yao Ming once called home, is acutely aware of that, yet the Knicks are too stupid or stingy to see what - more so than who - is slipping away. With new neighbors in NYC already needling the Knicks, they just might pay for their refusal to pay for Lin.

A Tough Blake

In terms of injuries, the 2012 men's Olympic team is snake-bitten, figuratively, but we wouldn't be surprised if it literally became true; if a cobra chomped on Carmelo and caused him to miss the competition. That's because Blake Griffin became the seventh star to suffer a setback that will prevent him from playing in London. Griffin tore the medial meniscus in his left knee (we're not a physician, we just pretend to be one on this blog) and will miss eight weeks. Griffin didn't even have the chance to face international competition, as the happened before last night's first exhibition game. This means the closest Griffin got to gold was the Gold Bond powder in the trainer's room.

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the inaugural and incomparable Dream Team, so players of this incarnation were asked the "who would win" question. Kobe benignly backed this bunch, as if there was any other way to answer. That exasperated their elders. Scottie Pippen posited that the '92 crew would've mauled the modern one by a margin of 25 points, while Michael Jordan's reaction was reproachful: "For him to compare those two teams is not one of the smarter things he ever could have done." And MJ knows about doing dumb things, like taking time off at the peak of his career to pursue baseball or not hiring Hall of Fame coach Jerry Sloan this summer or even fellow Dream Teamer Patrick Ewing (he instead went with a college assistant coach, Mike Dunlap; honestly, a Dunlap tire would've been a better choice).

Moving Forwards

Now that we've graded the guards, we examine how the few forwards fared in free agency:

Rashard Lewis (Wizards to Heat): Lewis is a bargain for the veteran's minimum and it's super that he's reunited with his old Sonics pal, Ray Allen (see what we did there?). They'll both have free reign to rain threes. B+

Ryan Anderson (Magic to Hornets): Anderson is one of the best shooters in the league for his size and extremely underrated. The Magic are lost, while the Hornets have a map, although they haven't opened it yet (Anthony Davis swears he'll stop and ask for directions). B

Staying power forwards: Far more important than those exiting, were those ensconcing themselves in an established environment. The retention of the most sensational and the most sensible power forwards in the league, Blake Griffin and Tim Duncan, was modest - much like the men - yet momentous. Griffin is more electrifying than a kite in a rainstorm, while Duncan is as solid as oak furniture. Duncan will remain monogamous until his career concludes and Griffin will continue to change the Clippers from being denigrated to venerated. The confident commitment is commendable from the both clubs as well as their cornerstones. A+

Nowear to turn: No one in the NBA must be looking forward to payday more than Jeremy Lin. Before last night's ESPYs, Lin revealed on the red carpet that he borrowed a bow tie, bracelet and watch from a friend for the awards show. What, there are no jewelers in the Big Apple who'd lend Lin a timepiece? Just five months ago, he was on a roll, now he can't be loaned a Rolex for an evening? We GUESS there's not a caring Citizen in the city. And that tick, tick, ticks us off.

Changing of the Guards, Pt. II

In the second installment, we size up the shift in shooting guards:

Ray Allen (Celtics to Heat): Allen is going to sprain his ankle chasing another championship, while simultaneously re-defining what it means to be a hired gun. He had a rift with Rajon Rondo, so he took less dough and broke up the original "big three" to shoot threes in Miami. Like the clubs on South Beach, he'll be open late. A

Joe Johnson (Hawks to Nets): Johnson monetary value was so overestimated, he could as easily work at Barclays on Wall Street, as he could at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. His super-sized salary won't be a source of shame to NYC sports fans (see: any of the Yankees). B

Lou Williams (Sixers to Hawks): The best beardless bench player in the league, Williams is like a microwave burrito: he heats up in a hurry and comes cheap (for the mid-level exception). B+

Nick Young (Clippers to Sixers): Young is a one-year rental, but with their leading scorer leaving, he'll be expected to fill up the cup like a person pouring Pabst at a party. C+

Landry Fields (Knicks to Raptors): The Raptors couldn't land Jeremy Lin, so they signed his BFF. Here's to hoping Fields can create another highbrow handshake, this time with Andrea Bargnani (maybe mime reading a Malcolm Gladwell tome, they can blink a bunch to signal this). C

Jamal Crawford (Trailblazers to Clippers): Crawford will take pressure off of Chris Paul to score and allow Chauncey Billups to play out of position less. He produces points like the American Pie people produce shitty sequels. B-

Bonuses*: Kirk Hinrich (Hawks to Bulls): He'll have to hold down the fort until Derrick Rose returns, but coming off a career-worst year (averaged 4.5 ppg fewer than in '10-'11), Hinrich might be more suited to protect a pillow fort. C-

Brandon Roy (retirement to Timberwolves): Think a comeback couldn't hurt? It can. After packing it in due to nagging knee injuries, Roy will join a new wolf pack, but there's a big risk Roy will wind up howling in pain. Incomplete - we don't think he'll complete the season

*This means we forget to include them in the previous post about point guards.

Changing of the Guards

As a postscript to the prior entry, not only couldn't we convince the Magic and Dwight Howard to reconcile while in O-town, we also didn't talk them out of trading their other promising player, Ryan Anderson, for an unproven señor, Gustavo Ayon (54 total games in the association), three years Anderson's senior. ¡Que lástima! We didn't miss much while we were gone, except a plethora of point guards picking pristine places to populate (one of the only PGs to stay put was Jameer Nelson and we're not sure why he'd want to stick around during the Magic's rushed and ramshackle rummage sale). Here's how we grade the passage of passers:

Steve Nash (Suns to Lakers): If anyone can keep the peace between an icon (Kobe Bryant), an insubordinate (Andrew Bynum), an intellectual (Pau Gasol) and an in-over-his-head coach (Mike Brown), it's noted pacifist Nash. He'll pass more than a network exec being pitched pilots. A

Jason Kidd (Mavericks to Knicks): We hope he's there to teach Jeremy Lin, not take his minutes. If the Knicks intend to match every offer for the Harvard hot shot, then they shouldn't treat Lin with Kidd gloves. B-

Deron Williams (New Jersey Nets to Brooklyn Nets): Technically, Williams is moving, even though he's remaining with the same franchise. After seeing the Nets overpay for Gerald Wallace ($10 mill. per season) and trade for the overpaid Joe Johnson, and determining that the Dallas hometown discount would be deep (a $23 million difference), there was no way Williams was going to say "nyet" to the Nets and Mikhail Prokhorov's summer spending spree, even if there aren't enough bucks leftover to bring in a big man. Part-owner Jay-Z has to be happy that Prokhorov is following the advice laid out in jigga man's 2000 track, "Big Pimpin'": spending Gs. A-

Goran Dragic (Rockets to Suns): The former Sun's scrappy sub will fill in full-time for Nash now, having been promised the position. With 66 career starts, he's as green as a cactus. C

Kyle Lowry (Rockets to Raptors): Nash, the GM of Canada's national team, said "no" to the dinos (leaving $9 mill. on the maple syrup-stained table), so they settled for Lowry, who's younger, but not necessarily better than Jose Calderon. Canucks will be feeling (Labatt) blue for awhile. C-

The Dwight Decision

We envied just-hired Magic GM Rob Hennigan, who at 30 years old is the youngest executive in the league - for a few days. Not anymore. Before his second full week on the job, Hennigan has to figure out the fate of his self-contradicting center, Dwight Howard, who now wants to be in Brooklyn more than a horn-rimmed, handlebarred hipster. Howard could've headed out without the hub-bub, but he opted-in for one more year with the Magic, citing loyalty as his reason to return. That loyalty disappeared faster than tourist dollars at Disney World.

Hennigan has heard Howard out, but will he wait Howard out? Howard has swayed more than a pendulum, so he could swing back to staying, provided the Magic put pieces around him pronto. That probably won't happen, since the Magic are absent a coach, so they'll blackmail their malcontent for a package of players and picks, knowing they didn't receive full value in return for a six-time All-Star, thrice named Defensive Player of the Year. Hennigan will get ripped off and get ripped for it, and he'll want to hide under his desk - as soon as it's delivered to his new office.

Coincidentally, we're off to Orlando for a few days, so we'll see if we can convince Dwight - over a bottle of butterbeer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter - to retract his request.

Accept Pro Substitutes

The U.S. men's basketball squad is putting the 'limp' in "Olympics." The cost of chasing a championship and all the extra games involved caused Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to both bow out last week, opting for surgery and rehab, respectively. The list of the lame is now longer than lines at stations selling gas for under $3 and, adding the hurting Heat, is up to a half-dozen (Lamar Odom, after being shut down by the Mavs like he was a languid laptop, has recovered in time to audition).

Now, comes news that even a potential filler - number one pick and unofficial unibrow ambassador, Anthony Davis - has fallen. Davis sprained his ankle in a workout with the Hornets and isn't expected to recover before the July 7 deadline for the selections to be finalized, a date that was already extended. Finding 12 healthy men, especially big bodies by Saturday, will be more challenging than spelling 'Krzyzewski' correctly on the first attempt (since Coach K has said this will be his last Olympics, can we suggest one of the criteria for the next candidate be a man with more vowels in his surname, such as Thibodeau?). Even though they aren't properly prepared for the promotion or the pressure of the global games, replacements like DeMarcus Cousins and Derrick Favors might have to do Team USA a favor. To complete its roster, USA basketball might have to take a few players who are far from complete.

Morey or Less

Rockets geeky guru GM Daryl Morey, the stats savant Bill Simmons sucks up to, might have outed himself as a hoarder. The Rockets, who had zero first-round selections in 2011, have now stockpiled three: numbers 12, 16 and 18. Houston has missed the playoffs for three straight season, despite posting a winning record in each of them, so "Dork Elvis" has his team "all shook up." Mr. MIT is miffed by mediocrity.

They've coveted a center since Yao Ming retired and a trade for Pau Gasol last year was voided by the league. In order to chase after Dwight Howard, they had chase out Chase Budinger. And they might not be done dealing, since a pick inside the top ten might be required to secure the services of the association's best big man, bad back and all.

At least the Rockets, unlike the hesitant Howard, know what they want. Still, if Morey and Houston can't move any of what are assets only through this evening for a prominent player, they'll look like asses come tomorrow.

Drifting During Drafting

It's called a draft, but it doesn't blow by anymore, ever since ESPN assumed coverage of the event a decade ago. While it's no multiple-day marathon, like its NFL equivalent, four hours is still such a serious time commitment that you almost need "athleticism" to watch until the end - or at least excellent "intangibles." As for the awkward and immediate post-pick interviews, they have virtually no "upside."

Still, there's something to be said for seeing it through. Last year's saving grace was that the fella besides Barkley who's funniest when he's frank, Jeff Van Gundy, grew as grumpy as we did at the plodding pace. It's also worth mentioning that the last man standing in 2011, Isaiah Thomas, the sixtieth selection, was at least a ruby-in-the-rough (diamond would be an exaggeration), averaging 11.5 ppg in 65 games for Sacramento, higher than fellow first-year King Jimmer Fredette, who was taken 50 spots ahead of Thomas. Since there could be another late-round discovery, we'll take the Stuart Scott approach to the draft: we'll keep one eye on it*.

*Scott will now be doing this from home because he was booted from the broadcast.

The Heat of the Moment

LeBron James capped a long, strange trip (if you can consider two years lengthy) since his divisive decision with a triple-double to capture the championship he was convinced he couldn't in Cleveland (he was correct when it came to that crummy crew, but somehow he made changing co-workers controversial). By whipping the Thunder - and leading his team in points, assists, rebounds, minutes played, free throws made in the title-taking tilt - James insured that his ceaseless and caustic critics will have to find a new whipping boy next season. It has to feel liberating, to transition from being lambasted to lionized, which is what winning does to a persuasive press (ourselves included). It reshaped Dirk Nowitzki's reputation and LeBron's should be restored; redeemed at least in the eyes of the rational. Like Kevin Spacey in Superman Returns, James was miscast as a villain (or at least played the part poorly).

On the whole, fans are both forgiving and forgetful*. In the months that follow (and assuming there's no letdown from LeBron in London), James will be considered clutch now that he's clutched the Larry O'Brien trophy. For those who need to re-direct the rage that has become part of their routine since July 8, 2010 or who will miss finding fault in famous public figures, well, there's always the 2012 Presidential race.

*it probably has something to do with all the lite beer they drink; Miller mitigates meanness and memories

Finals Exam

School hasn't let out yet for LeBron James, but he is one win away from acing the test, albeit on the third attempt (the finals are like the SATs, you can take it multiple times and select only your best results to count). James was one rebound shy of a triple-double in the Heat's third straight victory, who can clinch the championship at home on Thursday. James, as usual, has been hard to cover and hardcovers might deserve some credit.

LeBron has been reading the Thunder's defense closely, which perhaps we can attribute to his pre-game ritual of burying his nose in a book*, as opposed to tweeting or turning on the TV. Ironically, he's completed Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point while practically pushing the Thunder to theirs.

James has also finished the The Hunger Games trilogy and he's displayed the deliberate determination of its heroine, Katniss Everdeen (although not the arrow-aiming ability). We'd say he's Catching Fire at the right time and soon no one will be Mockingjames^. Even if the Heat improbably implode, it's nice to know that the NBA's "Read to Achieve" campaign got through to someone.

* a (Barnes &) Noble pursuit
^ his new hobby may be making him haughty, since Serge Ibaka is the second player in the postseason James he has said is "stupid"(Danny Granger was the first). Here's a reminder to remain humble: the Hunger Games series is intended for young adults.

There Can Be Only Uno

As LeBron James and Kevin Durant hunt for hardware on the hardwood, Roy Hibbert and Jeremy Lin searched their surroundings for silly souvenirs on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The conclusion: Hibbert cheats*, knows white people on a more intimate level than Lin and is willing to pay a premium for a pooch (Lin could purchase 150 watches for the price of Hibbert's puppy). Once the prize was announced, we wondered if winning was worth it, but maybe a competition involving mad dashes does deserve mad Kardashians, scavengers in their own right (of sports stars).

*whether it's at cards or just with cards, we don't know

Who's Up Four It?

Ignore options one through three on either team, the deciding factor in the finals will be the fourth-best player on the Heat or Thunder and it's unclear exactly who that is. There are three likely candidates for each side: Battier, Chalmers and Haslem for Miami; and Ibaka, Sefolosha and Fisher for Oklahoma City. It has to be considered discouraging news for the Heat that in game 1, Battier and Chalmers contributed considerably - combining for 29 points (on 11-16 shooting), including 6 made threes, with 6 assists against 1 turnover - yet the Heat still lost. Haslem did his part on defense, hauling in a game-high 11 rebounds. Miami can't realistically expect much more from its scant support staff.

We believe the series' secret savior will emerge from the Thunder's secondary trio, due to the defense of Ibaka and Sefolosha, plus the experience of Fisher, who may not be lord of the rings, but he's at least earned the title of liege. Fisher has knocked down the 2nd-most three-pointers in NBA Finals history so, like David Stern in a room with Jim Rome*, he can't be left alone. LeBron scored 30 points, more than he had in any finals game previously, but he wasn't a force in the fourth, which is why the Heat need to find a fourth or else they'll be forlorn.

if Rome was burning, now he has to be fuming

One Canadian's Pinterest

Former Sixers and Nets center Todd MacCulloch spent his NBA riches the same way any 12-year-old boy would: on pinball and Slurpee machines*. Finally MacCulloch, who has won tournaments and is hosting a world championship at his house - found a game in which he can be a high scorer. Congrats, T-Mac, you're the Kevin Durant of flipper flicking.

*items we'd probably purchase, too, if we had a few hundred thousand dollars lying around

Self-Satisfaction Guaranteed

Save for citizens in Seattle and Cleveland (locales where either the coffee or the people are bitter), all hoops buffs should be pleased with the NBA Finals pairing. LeBron has let it be known he will be content, regardless of the outcome: "Whatever the results, I'm going to be satisfied with that." It's a curious comment that calls his competitiveness into question. That doesn't sound like a statement from someone with a killer instinct; it might not even be a wounder instinct. The last two men to hold LeBron's hallowed place in the game - Jordan and Kobe - would never express or even entertain that thought. Winning was the only way to feel fulfilled, championships were their criteria for measuring success*. They were Machiavelli, Malcolm-X; LeBron is McFerrin, Bobby - he won't worry, he'll just be happy.

LeBron may be the most talented player in the league, but the Thunder are the more talented team, so LeBron will have to duplicate his Herculean effort from the Celtics series for his club to achieve what they were assembled to do. His attitude needs to adjust from patting himself on the back, to wanting to break the back of the Thunder, because until he wins a title, the critics - whether reasonable or so rabid that they should be put down for the safety of others - won't get off his back. The meek may inherit the Earth, but in the NBA they don't receive rings.

*well, that and number of Nike ads

The Big Threes

Chris Bosh connected on career-best trio of treys, while fantastic flopper defender Shane Battier drained four from beyond the arc -accounting for all of his points - to help the Heat complete a comeback in the game and the series, sending LeBron James to his third NBA Finals. No wonder Manny Pacquiao delayed the start of his fight until game seven concluded*, watching this was worth it (and, unlike in boxing, basketball can never be decided by the scoring of judges).

While Bosh (19 points and 8 rebounds on 8-10 shooting) bolstered a barren bench, LeBron again lit up the Celtics like they were a victory cigar, assembling his fifth game of at least 30 points and 10 rebounds. Whether you cheer him or jeer him (or even dump beer on him) he's definitively the best player in the association. After dueling with him, Keyon Dooling said, succinctly and savvily,"He is great for our game; he is our game."

The Queen's jubilee is over, but the King can't celebrate yet; his trek has one more stop before he can be totally jubilant: Oklahoma City. The Thunder are primed to be a royal pain, ready to rain on a potential parade.

*Strangely, he's a Celtics fan; you'd think he'd be in the corner of the Heat and fellow Filipino Erik Spoelstra.

Good Job, Good Effort, LeBron

In his pre-game pep talk, Doc Rivers claimed the Heat hadn't seen the best from the Celtics. It turned out his team hadn't witnessed the finest from LeBron, either. LeBron averaged a point per minute, finishing with 45 - netting 30 in the first half alone - basically blistering the basket by shooting a searing 73% from the floor, to stretch the series to a seventh game. Maybe swapping out the black for the red road uniforms explains why LeBron's stroke was red-hot. The fire didn't spread to his teammates, as Dwyane Wade was the only other to reach double digits, but he needed 17 shots to score 17 points.

All in all, LeBron wilted the Celtics with his Wilt-esque performance. Wilt Chamberlain is the sole player to produce a playoff game with statistics superior to LeBron's 45 points, 15 rebounds and 5 assists. It's fitting that "The Stilt" stands above the rest, but last night, LeBron climbed the ladder and reached another rung. It's a shame the game wasn't in Miami; we were curious to hear what a certain young fan would shout to LeBron afterward.

Thunder Clothes It Out

The Spurs calamitous collapse, capped by blowing a 15-point halftime lead last night, was ugly. Russell Westbrook's wardrobe ugly. Despite being down 0-2, the Thunder didn't panic; they kept their shirt on, which was the composed and correct choice, except when it comes to what Westbrook wears in the post-game press conferences. In the end, the Thunder demolished the Spurs in the same manner that Shaq destroyed a Charles Barkley pinata : thoroughly, unexpectedly, live and bare-handed*. Heck, the Thunder are so young, they probably celebrated with candy afterwards. They showed they have the stuff(ing) champions are made of.

The Heat's coach will employ a new Spoelstrategy of playing Chris Bosh instead of not doing so. Bosh logged 14 productive minutes in his first game back from injury, tallying 9 points and 7 rebounds, but remained on the bench throughout the fourth quarter. With rumors that all members of the team other than LeBron will be on the trading block should the Heat fail to reach the finals, Spoelstra should use him before he loses him. To use Spoelstra's word, it might not be "fair" to expect big things from Bosh in big moments yet, but for two seasons the expectations haven't been fair for the anyone on the Heat. Bottom line: Don't quash Bosh.

*Thankfully without the face-biting and throat-tearing.

Thunderstruck

Only one week ago, the Spurs were on a cloud riding a 20-game winning streak. Little did they know that the cloud concealed a coming clap of Thunder. Now, following three consecutive defeats - their longest losing streak all season - after serving as a paragon of playoff perfection, their postseason is practically gone. The Thunder followed up the Thablowout with a power Serge in game 4, when Serge Ibaka set a career high in points and was flawless from the field in the process, nearly notching a playoff record for most baskets without a miss. However, the role players receded into the background in game 5, as the Thunder's scoring came from the standard sources.

Kevin Durant, the beanpole bucket burier, is indubitably a fearless leader, but lately he's been a downright dictator*, seizing control of the series, averaging over 28 ppg in the wins on 55% shooting, dominating the formerly dominant. Like the ATM conveniently located in DeShawn Stevenson's kitchen, Durant's been money^. Having gained Oklahoma court advantage, the Thunder can close it out Wednesday. They're banking on another total takeover in the fourth from Durant, something the Spurs simply can't afford to allow.

*All he has to do is sprout James Harden's whiskers and he can appear alongside Sasha Baron Cohen's latest character.

^Psychologists agreed that should Stevenson ever remove the machine, he'll go through serious withdrawal.

Fallin Hard

Charles Barkley was served a steak (along with a side of the only "fries" he wasn't eager to eat) by Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin prior to the game. The Thunder weren't as hospitable to their guests, doubling the score of the Spurs in the second quarter (although at least they didn't encourage/try to trick San Antonio into dining on lamb gonads), in a game that quickly became what we're labeling as a 'Thablowout.' Swiss shooting guard Thabo Sefolosha, prized for his pesky defense, set a personal playoff best with 19 points. Kevin Durant scored 22 points, but Sefolosha stole the show, mostly by stealing the ball a half-dozen times, helping force a flurry of flubs from the sloppy Spurs, 21 turnovers in total.

It turns out Sefolosha wasn't the only man with disruptive hands in Oklahoma City last night. Lil Wayne attempted to enter the Thunder's arena without a ticket, expecting to be seated for free courtside. He was turned away with the authority of Serge Ibaka swatting a shot. The Thunder made it clear that for a sell-out there are no perks*, even for constantly catered-to celebrities. The Spurs should learn a lesson from the Thunder organization's strict stance: no giveaways.

*except Kendrick Perkins

Tanks for Nothing

For 59 out of 66 games this season, the basketball didn't bounce the Bobcat's way and, on Wednesday, the ping-pong balls didn't, either. The Charlotte Bobcats hoped last night draft lottery would be a scratch and win scenario, since they had a 25 percent chance of obtaining the number one overall pick. Instead, it became a scratch your head situation, a new nadir for the team that finished with the lowest winning percentage in NBA history (what we like to label as "Silast" place). Ironically, the selection was awarded to the original Charlotte franchise, the New Orleans Hornets, who won triple the amount of games as the Bobcats (21 vs. 7). After Dan Gilbert-gate last year, could this be another conspiracy to compensate a franchise that the league felt it owed a favor to after its star's departure (this time, "the decision" was entirely the NBA's), a thank-you present to a new owner, an attempt to reward a team that tried hard until the season finished (the Hornets won 8 of their last 13 games), in contrast to one that fell faster than Facebook's IPO and cared as little as Mark Zuckerberg about it?

It's doubtful. If the league was going to intentionally interfere, it would've treated the team moving into the nation's largest media market, the Brooklyn Nets, so that they have something more significant to sell than Jay-Z sitting courtside*. Secondly, a shoddy squad still needs a lotto luck: the club with the worst record hasn't been awarded the top pick since 2004. In a draft that's widely regarded as weak - Anthony Davis is perceived as the best building block, a Lego in a class of Lincoln Logs - the Bobcats might've gone from hitting the jackpot to landing jack squat.

*Maybe if he performs at every halftime or they project Tupac's hologram into a front row seat.

'Round (and 'Round) 3

No one can (baggage) claim that Ricky Rubio isn't interested in the NBA playoffs. Here he is - complete with TSA-threatening beard* - catching a game at the airport from the comfort(?) of the luggage carousel. Like an out-of-order airplane, we don't see his viewing method taking off. Nevertheless, we'll give the same advice to Rubio as we do our amigos with satchels traveling through the sky: carry-on.

*George W. Bush taught us all that the face of freedom is freshly shaved.

Spurs Doing the Nasty

Unless you count Manu Giboli going to the ground as he hit a buzzer-beating three to end the first quarter, the Spurs still haven't fallen in the 2012 playoffs. Talking to his team during a timeout in the fourth quarter - and wearing a microphone so those at home could hear him, too - coach Gregg Popovich exhorted, "I want some nasty!" The Spurs obliged, responding with a 39-point final frame. Manu Ginobli (26 points) was slashing like he was Freddy Krueger*. Tallying his highest output of this postseason, Ginobli caught lightning in a bottle against the Thunder, who had surrendered that many points in a quarter on only one other occasion this season.

"Nasty?" We're not so sure the adjective applies. The highest scoring team in the playoffs - and number two throughout the regular season - is offensive in just one sense of the word. The Spurs aren't a mean bunch, but they mean business. They push each other, not their opponent. They take open shots instead of cheap shots. They aren't a dirty group, but they do the dirty work. They absorb charges, make the extra pass, and - most critically of all - listen to their coach, even when he's being critical (in this instance, Popovich was rallying his troops, not ripping them). They make nasty look nice.

*the Thunder can't fall asleep on defense against him.

Oddities and Ends

A little more than a month ago, it wasn't a certainty that the 76ers would qualify for the playoffs. Now, they're one win away from reaching the Eastern Conference Finals. True, they've take advantage of their foe's flaws to arrive at this opportunity - the Bulls were hobbled and the Celtics are creaky - but as squad whose players have the least amount of postseason games under their belts* - shouldn't their opponents have been taking advantage of them? No member of the Sixers is less tested than Lavoy Allen, a rookie second-round draft pick, yet he has scored only two less points in the series than Ray Allen, a potential first ballot future Hall of Famer. That stat sounds like a sick joke, more Joan Rivers than Doc Rivers. Not too shabby for the player ranked the lowest in the league by espn.com back in October (500th, to be exact).

Jrue Holiday labeled a must-win game 6 as the "end of the world," saying game 7 is the sequel, but he has it backwards. It's more likely to be the end of the world for the Celtics because Allen and Kevin Garnett are free agents and chances are as slim as Garnett's calves that both will be back. If the 76ers lose it's fine, since they've already moved up in the world from the streets to the suites and their roster should remain intact, but if the Celtics lose, everyone will wonder what in the world went wrong.

*under their drawstrings would be more accurate