A Gay Three-Way*

The Toronto Raptors have reason to feel Gay today, by which we mean happy, because they acquired forward Rudy Gay in a 6-player, 3-team trade on Wednesday. Gay, a career 18 point-per-game scorer and Hamed Haddadi, the first Iranian NBA player ever, were moved from Memphis to Canada's largest city for Ed Davis and Jose Calderon, who was in turn delivered to Detroit for Tayshaun Prince and Austin Daye. Prince was the last player left from the Pistons 200-304 championship team.

For Memphis, the athletes acquired were inconsequential; it was all about shedding salaries, like what pudgy people promise to do this time of year. Memphis had given Gay a max contract, but that was under old management, and the present penny-pinching personnel, who include ex-ESPN numbers nerd John Hollinger, were determined to dump Gay to avoid paying the luxury tax. A little over a week ago, the Grizzlies gave away satisfactory substitute Marreese Speights and 2 other player to the Cavs for a guy who puts the 'chump' in "chump change."

The Grizzlies new owner, Robert Pera, was wealthy enough to purchase a franchise last year at the age of 34, so why has he chosen to tighten his man-purse strings now^? Just because the Grizzlies play at the FedExForum doesn't mean you have to ship guys out of there constantly. If Pera keeps this up, he'll leave the cupboard bare for these bears.

*Trade, that is
^Our theory is that the former Apple engineer is having Siri make all his basketball business decisions.

The All-Star-Spangled Banner

It's our birthday, so we're obviously an All-Star,* but among The Association's equivalents there were several fresh-faced selections that were told to "get their game on, go play." A half-dozen newbies, one practically a baby, will have reason to rejoice like LeBron James did while visiting the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: "Mama, I made it!"

Six, all substitutes chosen by the coaches, were first-time selections, including James Harden, who will have the honor of hooping in his home arena, since the game is being held in Houston. The other five hail from the East, where defenders Tyson Chandler and Joakim Noah were picked to engage in an exhibition in which D is faked more poorly than Beyonce singing at the Inaguration^. Kyrie Irving, at the tender age of 20, might be made to sit at the kids' table, considering he isn't allowed adult beverages yet.

Rajon Rondo, voted a starter by the fans, whose dynamic dishing was almost designed for the gaudy game, will have to be replaced. Although we say the spot should belong to big like Brook Lopez or jammin' Josh Smith, if the commish goes with another guard, the flashy Brandon Jennings or the foxy Paul Pierce (to be clear, we mean cunning, not cute) are adequate alternates, but what about a magnanimous man in D.C., who convivially communicated to LeBron, "It's your world." The President graciously gave LeBron the floor, why not return the favor?

*Smash Mouth can confirm this
^Senator Schumer's approval of Ms. Knowles couldn't sync any lower. He can't see her halo.

Going Southie

It's info that those in Beantown will find wicked "hawd" to take. Overshadowing the Celtics out-lasting the Heat in double-overtime yesterday was the news announced after halftime, but not broken to the Boston players until the game ended, that prodigious passer Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an ACL tear in his right knee. Rondo is the league leader in assists and triple doubles; in fact, he posted one in the same game he suffered the injury. Prior to Sunday's win, the Celtic's were on a season-worst six-game skid and are trying not to slip out of the eighth seed. If the standings stayed the same in the East, Boston would face Miami in the first round, which is sooner than the C's want to see the squad they squared off against in the conference finals last postseason. Without their floor foreman, the Celtics Rondon't stand a chance.


LeBron James and his Lincoln-looking beard toured the Lincoln Bedroom today, as President Barack Obama, sworn in for a second term one week ago, hosted the Heat at the White House to honor the reigning champs. The Commander-in-Chief, who was given an autographed ball and a jersey emblazoned with his surname and the symbolic number 44*, congratulated the team, but the West Winger worked in some zingers, calling Mike Miller "broke down" and Juwan Howard "grandpa," although he resisted the urge to say either moved slower than Congress when he proposes a piece of legislation, because that certainly would've elicited an eye-roll from Michelle^.

*we're certain the POTUS cleared his schedule to call an emergency pick-up game to play with those presents as soon as the Heat left.

^President Obama also observed that James, in the aforementioned playoffs versus the Celtics, "had a scary look in his eye." The President has seen that look a lot lately, like when he mentions gun control to Republicans.

See O2

Blimey, there was basketball across the pond yesterday! If you missed it on the tube - and we mean the telly, not the London subway - that's because tip-off was at low tea time, which is three o'clock for the uninformed and under-caffeinated. Although it went in the books as a home game for Detroit*, it was the blokes on the New York side who felt right at home, since Carmelo Anthony and Tyson Chandler were playing within the same arena they earned gold medals at back in August. Their level of comfort was evident, as Anthony paced all scorers with 26 points, while Chandler tallied tally-hoed a double-double, with 14 rebounds and 10 points.

Whereas the Knicks feature two triumphant Olympians, the Pistons, 14-25, would struggle to have a player selected for the Special Olympics. After registering the first pair of points, Detriot then surrendered 16 straight to New York and never regained their initial lead. Tayshaun Prince can't compete in a country containing two true princes.

Carmelo was probably happy to take a break from the Cheerios conversation stateside to say "Cheerio" through b-ball to the Brits. We think it was a breath of fresh air for Anthony to perform an encore in the O2.

*which makes sense, since the cities are a mere 3,762 miles apart.

Chex Yourself

What caused Carmelo Anthony to lose his cool and try to confront Kevin Garnett after their teams tangled Monday? 'Melo went nuts, attempting to burst onto the Celtics bus because KG, a tireless trash talker, allegedly informed the Knicks star that his spouse, "tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios." That's not simply speaking smack, that's speaking Honey Smacks. No wonder Anthony, who was suspended one contest for tracking down Garnett in the tunnel, wanted to (corn) pop him. The court code of conduct bars berating anybody's boo.* After the incident, all players should consider raisin (bran) the level of discourse during games.

*and bashing Boo Berry, which would be a even ghastlier error.

Pass/Fail

With shoulder and head injuries to Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol, the Lakers, losers of four straight and four games below .500, are in dire need of assistance. Cue Steve Nash, who's always willing to assist. Last night, the Lakers barely being able to assemble a starting five didn't inhibit Nash from becoming the fifth player in the association ever to accumulate 10,000 assists. The historic helper came on a textbook pick and roll to another advanced-in-age athlete, Antwan Jamison, near the close of the second quarter. Jason Kidd is the only active player with more successful shot set-ups than the charitable Canadian and speaking of Kidd, Nash said he'd give the game ball to his own kid, predicting the memento would be dribbled by his toddler (and he didn't mean on), who, to Dick Vitale's excitement, sounds like a literal "diaper dandy."

Nash finished with 10 dimes and 16 points, but the Lakers lost anyway and reside in 11th place, which is trailer park territory for what was supposed to be a gilded, gated community group. We know Nash will pass, but will the Lakers woes?

Gee Wiz

They win against almost nobody, but when they do win it isn't against nobodies. The Wizards own the association's worst record by three-game margin, but two of their five total triumphs have been over last year's NBA Finals participants. When asked about the go-ahead possession that resulted in his game-winning jumper to defeat the Thunder Monday, Bradley Beal said, "I didn't know what I was going to do, to be honest." That's the way the rest of the league feels about Washington on a given night. The Wiz are just another D.C. organization operating with limited intelligence.


Today, Scott Skiles was canned by Milwaukee like Old Milwaukee, joining fellow coaches Mike Brown and Avery Johnson in an unemployment line that formed very early this season. Skiles took the team to the playoffs only once in four full years, losing in the first round. His record overall as a head coach is 443-433, but his record for being released mid-season is a perfect 3-0. The Bucks are currently an unsweet 16-16. Assistant Jim Boylan (no known relation to the sugar cane soda suppliers) takes over, so we suppose the club reached its Boylan point with Skiles.

The Antisocial Network

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love* gave to me: a high-speed internet connection (because who knows what the heck to do with turtle doves). Here's what we missed while we were without the worldwide web:

1. Santa stuffed a pink slip in Avery Johnson's stocking. Despite leading the Nets to a franchise-best 11-4 record to start the season, the coach was fired two days after Christmas. We think he was ho-ho-hosed.

2. Kevin Durant got thrown out of a game for the first time in his career. He was ejected like a copy of Thunderstruck from a DVD player. The difference being that Durant made it to 41 minutes, which is way longer than anyone who's seen his movie has.


3. Kobe Bryant created a Twitter account. His first message was: "The antisocial has become social." We're glad he joined. He'll need something to do once the playoffs roll around.

4. Stephen Jackson sprained his right ankle stumbling over a server on the Knicks sideline at MSG. The injury brought new meaning to the phrase "road trip." The waitress was allegedly taking the order of Mayor Michael Bloomberg. We're guessing he didn't order a large soda.

5. Returning from surgery on his left knee that has caused him to miss the first two months of the season, Amar'e Stoudemire has a lot to learn from his new head coach. "I've never been taught defense in my whole career," the 11-year veteran said. Good thing high schoolers can't go straight to the pros like Stoudemire anymore - they need a year to take classes. We'll start preparing course materials for "Introduction to Zone^" and "Man-to-Man 101."


*and by "true love" we mean 'cutthroat cable company.'


^Rule #1: Don't zone out while studying.