Roy Vey!

It was only five seasons ago that Brandon Roy was named the ROY (that's Rookie of the Year). Now Brandon is done. The three-time all-star is hanging up his baggy shorts at the young age of 27 -in what should be his prime - due to knee ailments. The Blazer did go out in a blaze of glory. After barely playing in the second game of the team's opening round playoff series against Dallas, Roy scored 16 points in 23 minutes off the bench to help the Trail Blazers win. He followed-up in game 4 by pouring in 18 points in the fourth quarter to mount a come-from-behind, two-point victory that tied the series. Portland lost to the eventual NBA champs, but Roy was able to wow the hometown fans twice in what would wind up being his final two home games. The city of Portland is famous for its roses. Like the delicate flower, Roy's career was beautiful, but far too fleeting. As for what to do in early retirement, instead of whining about his maladies, he could open a winery, following in the fractured footsteps of the injury-ravaged Yao Ming (Bordeaux is a cure for boredom). Out of a rose comes rosé.

Crunch Time?

It's too late for Kris Humphries to check himself because he already wrecked himself with his mini-marriage to Kim Kardashian (the vows were amended to "'til death to us part... or the end of daylight savings time this year, whichever.") so he might as well check others - on the ice. That's the thinking behind the Syracuse Crunch, minor league hockey team, offering the free agent a place on its roster or in its front office.*

The AHL club's press release describes Humphries as a "scorned husband" and goes on assert that his life became "a running national joke" at the expense of his ex-wife. That should be a minor penalty for roughing the remnants of his ego. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, Crunch (or didn't the Captain teach you that^?) They assume Humphries loves hockey because he grew up in Minnesota. Stereotyping Minnesotans? As soon as they finish shopping at the Mall of America, you're going to hear from them, Crunch, in the form of a polite letter composed on Target stationary.

Still, without an NBA contract, Humphries should consider the deal. What better way to get over an ice queen than to get on the ice.

*With multiple positions open, we're thinking of submitting an application even though our understanding of hockey begins and ends with "The Mighty Ducks."
^We assume the team's name comes from a popular cereal.

Food for Thought

Kevin Garnett has no clue how to cook. For proof, we submit his analogy in trying to explain the downside to a truncated training camp: "Chemistry is something that you just don't throw in a frying pan and mix it up with another something and throw something on top of that, and then fry it up and put it in a tortilla, put it in a microwave, heat it up, and give it to you and expect it to taste good."

Let's move past his central complaint that the Celtics, being one of the oldest teams with a core that has been together for several season, are likely to be among the squads least adversely affected by the shortened camp time. Frying food, then microwaving it? In Garnett's kitchen anything is possible! We sincerely hope he employs a personal chef. We recommend a little less time with Ray Allen and more time with Ted Allen. It's not entirely Garnett's fault; since he went straight from high school to the NBA, he bypassed the college years, where you learn the valuable skill of microwaving all your meals(and popcorn is the only vegetable you eat).

Perhaps we're looking at this all wrong and it's actually chemistry he doesn't understand. In that case, it's best to stay away from burners both Bunsen and stove.

Welcome to Hollywouldn't

David Stern is the master of Chris Paul's universe.

Chris Paul isn't bound for L.A.; instead, he's bound hand and foot to LA, after the league declined another deal, this time from the Clippers, which would've sent the Hornets Eric Gordon, Al-Farouq Aminu, Chris Kaman and a 2012 first-round draft pick. The NBA was also insisting that the Clippers include Eric Bledsoe, making the price of four players plus a pick so high Charlie Sheen considered snorting the proposal*. Surrendering a third of its active roster - including 3 players age 22 or younger (and a former All-Star) - in exchange for one player would've hurt the Clippers more than adding Paul would've helped them. Yes, the possibility of putting Paul with Blake Griffin is tempting for the astronomical amount alley-oops alone, but they'd need help, more help than even a Butler can provide.

Poor Paul, as if it's not aggravating enough that twice in the span of a work week he thought he was headed out West; instead West is headed out. Paul's pick and roll partner, David West, has agreed to terms with the Pacers. We were willing to cut David Stern some slack the first time because we thought the Lakers deal was like our checkbook - unbalanced - but the Clippers, while they play in a large market, receive little more national attention than the Hornets. Furthermore, the second trade was fair. By acting like He-Man - shouting "I have the power!" - Stern^ is, in effect, holding Paul hostage on a terrible team. If he wants the franchise to be attractive to potential buyers by retaining Paul for this shortened season, then why let the second-best player leave, especially considering that the contract West signed is only for two years? How is it just to allow one All-Star to walk away, while forcing the other to stand still? Even in Cajun country, caging a man is wrong.

*We simply snorted at the absurdity of the increased demand.

^ That makes Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver Man-at-Arms.

An A-Paul-ing Move

Yesterday, the NBA played its version of Deal or No Deal, rescinding a trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers in exchange for Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom (Gasol was to be re-routed immediately to the Rockets for Luis Scola and Kevin Martin, one more live body and a future draft pick). If the Lakers had been able to pull off the move, it would have been the second time in three years that the flagship franchise fleeced another small-market team to acquire a superstar (the prior one being Memphis for Gasol), which is probably why David Stern put his wingtipped foot down. Since the league owns the Hornets, they are free to veto any of the team's transactions, so Stern said "no" to NO. Hornets GM Dell Demps discovered that making moves in the Big Easy isn't very easy.

The trade was like a light switch: it was on, it was off, the whole time surging with power. Allegedly, other owners blew a fuse over the news (with Dan Gilbert, aka "the Cleveland calligrapher," putting his feelings into writing again), angered that a West coast equivalent of the Heat was being assembled (Andrew Bynum being left out meant that the Lakers still had an asset to offer for Dwight Howard), causing the commissioner to refuse the exchange. The only comment thus far from the league is that that trade was rejected for "basketball reasons." As opposed to what, rugby reasons? It was within Stern's rights, but was it the right thing to do, to interfere to that extent? Pay no attention to the man standing behind the curtain, even if he's left the curtain partially open so the public can peek in. No one was left more shocked by the turn of events than Chris Paul, who expected to bring his electrifying play to L.A. After not letting Paul bolt, the least Stern can do is check on Paul's current condition, providing an outlet for him*.

*If we are guilty of using too many electricity puns, we accept the charge.

Bored Games

Even though we're more excited for the return of the NBA than LeBron is to win free fries in the McDonald's Monopoly game*, there is a downside to the lockout ending. Kevin Love and Blake Griffin must cease their intense Jenga matches. They'll have to settle for putting up bricks on the court when training camps open on December 9. Sorry! guys, but it's time to resume sinking shots instead of battleships.

To the players who went abroad: Trouble has been thwarted, so get a Clue, come back from the far corners of the Earth and stop putting yourself at Risk of injury. Love and Griffin aren't the only NBA stars engaged in a Trivial Pursuit. We gather that, based on his background, Pau Gasol is tough to beat in Operation.

And Glen Davis, leave knitting and popsicle stick projects to the very old and very young, respectively.

*You'd think a man whose nickname is "King James" would endorse a certain burger chain with a more regal theme.