Flip Out

Nobody beats the Wiz*, but everybody beats the Wizards and so Flip Saunders was told to turn in his robes, pointy hat and wand today (or whatever he wore on the sidelines), becoming the second coach to be sent packing this season, having steered -or, more aptly, swerved sloppily - Washington to the worst record in the league. The Wizards stumbled from the start, losing their first 8 games and have dropped three straight. They're on the road to nowhere, as they've yet to win an away contest.
Interestingly, the current crop of Wizards closely resemble those from the Wizard of Oz. John Wall, who is in the midst of a sophomore slump, as his assists per game and shooting percentage have declined, is the cowardly lion; he lacks courage (Wall has more than hit the wall; he's struck an electric fence). Andre Blatche, who re-defined 'impatience' when after the first game he complained that he wasn't getting enough shots, is the Tin Man; he lacks heart. Finally, there's JaVale McGee, who was pulled from a game after throwing a pass to himself off the backboard, is the Scarecrow; he lacks a brain. Or maybe it's actually his mom, who's clueless, since she described him as "the future of the NBA," while offering up some pointers on how to properly coach her kid (read it and you'll see why, at least in her estimation, he can't be the Tin Man).

We're guessing she thinks NBA stands for "Nifty Backboard Assist." Mrs. McGee does have a hoops pedigree - she won two collegiate championships and played in the WNBA - but she's showing a mama's bias when it comes to her baby boy. She says she'd never "throw players under a bus," like she felt Saunders, who went 51-130 in three-plus seasons, did. If we were in charge, we'd leave some of these passionless players off the bus altogether.

*Except that bastard Best Buy, which also cruelly crumbled a (Circuit) City.

Some like it Haute

Is there a better way to usher in your birthday than with Usher?* That's how Dwyane Wade celebrated his 30th yesterday, along with a performances by Common, T.I., Rick Ross and Kelly Rowland, at a high-end hotel in Miami, where the only Union talked about was his girlfriend, Gabrielle. Was there a gift so grand that it would shame Santa and make it seem like he shops at the Salvation Army? Such a stupid and strange question! We're mentioning a mingling of multi-millionaires, of course there was! Wade was given a brand new $200K+ McLaren by a local dealership. So if you, inspired by those commercials run during the holidays, bought him a Lexus, you might want to return it and save yourself the embarrassment because that luxury car looks like a Matchbox one in comparison. Did we mention the McLaren was airlifted in? That makes the carbon footprint on delivery as large as Wade's own footprint. If we sound judgmental, it's just out of jealousy. Our 30th is coming up and since our guest list is shorter than Earl Boykins, we doubt there'll be a single rapper in attendance (so much for our hopes of getting hammered with MC Hammer and sharing vanilla icing with Vanilla Ice) and no indulgent ride, save for a pony one (we swear, Mr. farmer, we're not too big).

Unlike at LeBron's birthday bash earlier in the month, there was no declining of decadent desserts (we'll bet that Tim Duncan thinks Duncan Hines is good enough). Among Wade's presents was a bottle of Dom Perignon from the year he was born: 1982. Perhaps he can pop it when he has something truly worth celebrating - say, a championship (or 8) with James, Bosh & co. For now, he'll have to settle for funfetti in place of confetti.

Don't put that bubbly on ice yet, because while Wade was handed a whip, he wasn't on the court that night while the Heat whipped the Spurs. Wade is sidelined by an ankle sprain. The good news is the Heat improved to 4-0 without Wade in the lineup. The bad new is the team is a modest 5-4 when Wade plays. It's an oversimplification to state that the Heat are better minus Wade, the lone title-winner in the trio, but there is growing evidence that James and Bosh have more clearly defined roles and also feel more comfortable in the offense (as the alpha and beta) when pared down to a pair. There is less hesitation and more domination from James (he is less passive when he makes less passes), while the extra possessions Bosh is allotted allow him to establish a rhythm. There are many layers to this issue and sorting it all out won't be a piece of cake.

*Lil' Jon just shouted, "Yeah!" But out of habit, not because he disagreed.

The 'Phal Guy

This is a story of how the Westphal was lost. It's a very short story. Kings coach Paul Westphal was 51-120 in two seasons, so Sacramento sacked him a scant seven games into this lockout-curtailed campaign. We understand that everything has been accelerated in this unusually short season, but either give the guy a little more time or make the move prior to the season getting underway. Coaching transactions weren't restricted during the lockout; it was only players who weren't free to pursue jobs. A 2-5 start for a team filled with callow players (the few veterans have always been reserves) and zero playoff expectations isn't abnormal.

Aside from the characteristic impatience of the Maloof brothers (imagine a pair of Mark Cubans, only dim and douchebaggy),two events sent Westphal packing early. First, Keith Smart was brought in as an assistant by the owners. A coach typically selects his staff, but the Maloofs cleary tabbed Smart to be Westphal's successor, he simply took over much sooner than was planned. Keep in mind, Smart is the same man who was ousted from Golden State after just one year, where he went 36-46. Second, Westphal failed to reign in or reach the talented but troublesome DeMarcus Cousins, at one point ordering Cousins to stay away from the team for supposedly demanding a trade, which Cousins has denied doing.

The Maloofs, whose fortunes comes from casinos, gambled on the combative Cousins. Now, they've doubled down by dismissing the coach. At least Smart has a keen grasp of the situation. When asked what he needs to do in regards to Cousins, that Westphal didn't, Smart said, "Probably have a good relationship with him." The cards may be stacked against Smart because the man he's dealing with isn't playing with a full deck.

Manu's Mano

The Spurs, already one of the teams most adversely affected by the back-breaking back-to-back-to-back schedule borne out of the lockout, has caught another bad break. Manu Ginobli, the team's leading scorer, fractured his shooting hand and will miss two months. This time period will test whether the team is over the Hill - and we're not alluding to the advanced ages of Tim Duncan and Tony Parker, but rather the exit of the up-and-coming George Hill, who signed with the Pacers. San Antonio will insert Gary Neal, another one of the franchise's fine finds, who was called up from the D-League (he played in 80 games for the Spurs last year).

The Southwest, early on, appears to be the weakest division. The Spurs sit atop it and every other team has a losing record. Last season's sweethearts, the Grizzlies, are dealing with a grizzly injury of their own to All-Star Zach Randolph. A torn MCL will shelve him for the same amount of time as Ginobli. Meanwhile, the Mavericks look incapable of defending their championship due to departure of the team's best defender (Tyson Chandler)and their best sub (J.J. Barrea). They've strangely chosen to replace those two difference-makers with trouble-makers: a guy who's acted as if he's allergic to defense (Vince Carter) and a complete headcase (Delonte West). They've also imported a Kardashian and her thin-skinned husband (Lamar Odom), thus completing the three-ring circus of awful additions. Also, Jason Kidd hurt his back in the Mavs blowout loss to the Spurs on Thursday (Neal lent a hand, chipping in with 12 points, all on threes), in a contest that saw Spurs power forward Matt Bonner outscore Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki by 11 points (17 to 6), causing Bonner to quip, "That was a Christmas miracle."* What would be a New Year's mistake is counting San Antonio out.

*The Bonner household must've been last on Santa's list for him not to arrive until January 5. Old St. Nick is blaming the delay on a faulty GPS and plans to replace his reindeer with a TomTom (that way, he'll only have to remember one name when commanding his sleigh to be guided).

Observe and Retort

The Charlotte Observer isn't very observant. In a roundup of NBA news, they noted that Knicks guard Baron Davis was out with an injury, but thanks to a typo, his "herniated disk" became a herniated, well, part of the male anatomy that it might sound the most painful to have herniated. They mistakenly made it sound as if Baron was bearing all. We almost had a hernia hysterically laughing at the error .

The newspaper quickly issued an apology for the accidental bit of vulgarity, hopefully quelling any groans about the groin. Since an editor failed to catch the flub, maybe the Observer should consider hiring a private(s) eye. Davis, took it in stride, tweeting that he's "still able to work out with it" (sensibly, no twitpic was attached). Kudos to him for not being a, shall we say, "disk" about it.

Still, it could have been worse. Imagine if the newspaper reported that Davis had a "bulging disk."