IDKNY

Here's a riddle for you: What's black and white and difficult to view? No, not The Artist, the ugly uniforms unveiled this week for the Brooklyn Nets cheerleaders. Designer David Dalrymple wanted to show the city's scrappy side - "It's a different sensibility. We go hard," he told the New York Post - but it's the seedy side he's succeeded in stressing. Oh, it's hard - hard to look at. Lots of latex, front-zippers, studded knee-high boots, fingerless gloves and a Zubaz-esque leotard - all so tight even the pants of the borough's horde of hipsters can't compare*.

There are seven costumes, which coincidentally is the same as the number of deadly sins, but while these outfits may provoke anger and lust, they won't elicit envy. What do we make of the makeover? Well, if the Nets players fail to dominate their opponent, at least they can call on the cheerleaders to do so, S&M-style.

*also, at least as much vinyl as a hipster's record collection.

(X-)Mas Effect

Autumn is often appreciated as the time when the leaves begin to turn, but Denver coach George Karl sees it as the season sports supporters turn toward games on the gridiron. He'd rather the association adopt what we're calling the "reverse bear strategy" and wait for winter before emerging from hibernation.

"When we start playing in late October, people are thinking football," he explained. True, but they're also thinking about how they hate raking leaves, anxiously awaiting an appearance from the Great Pumpkin and wondering whether they're too old to dress up for Halloween*.

The NHL isn't cowering over the competition; their year begins almost a month earlier than the NBA's^. The Florida Panthers aren't afraid of the Carolina Panthers, so Bucks need not be bothered by the Bucs. Paring the schedule is one proposition, but pushing it back because people are too preoccupied with pigskin is another.

A December delay won't dodge distractions. Unless Karl is convinced the assumed audience's attention wasn't focused on anything else of importance when the season opened on 12-25 in 2011. Evidently, Karl can't see the forest for the Christmas trees.

*or, if you're a woman, how much skin you can show without seeming like a skank.

^ that is, in the rare years they agree to play hockey.

#1 with a Bullet

After recent remarks, you could claim Jason Terry Uzis oozes confidence. Asked about his role on the Celtics during a team golf tournament, the reputed gunner was quick on the trigger: "My mission is to kill." We think he meant the competition - unless he's turning into a Terryorist - but we're not certain those comments convey what caliber of player Terry is. For the Celtics to contend, his streaky shot will have to be better than semi-automatic.

The Lakers road to the championship might've already hit a speed bump - or at least struck a similar street hazard. Steve Blake incurred an irregular injury when he somehow stepped on a tire shredder strip in a parking lot, which pierced the sole of his left foot. The weird wound will prevent him from practicing for three weeks. It's unclear if the injury occurred, as most do with denticulate deterrents, while the backup was backing up. However it happened, Blake's eyesight must not be as sharp as said serrated spikes.

The city council in Seattle on Monday approved a plan to build a new $490 million arena, a major measure towards founding/finding a future franchise, since the Sonics left the rain for new terrain four years ago. The $200 mill. in agreed upon public financing is a latte lot of (star)bucks. Here's to hoping the home of Sir-Mix-a-Lot is (baby got) back in the NBA mix soon.

Gonzaga, But Not Forgotten

Quick quiz: What was missing from the league last season? If you answered 16 games on the schedule per squad, you are technically correct (and sort of a smart-ass). However, if you possess a keener, kookier eye for the game, you'll have noticed the league was lacking a bewhiskered, bygone Bobcats bust: Adam Morrison*. The man who looks like he makes his own trail mix has signed with the Trailblazers, after a stint in Serbia and time in Turkey. The contract is one-year for the veteran's minimum, so there's as good a chance that Morrison winds up on the roster opening day as there is that he winds up on the set of Portlandia^.

Speaking of draft disappointments, Darko Milicic, who we're now calling "Amnesty International," following his release by the Timberwolves, toyed with a European reunion before choosing the Celtics. There are Darko days ahead in Boston and we envision Kevin Garnett dressing him down so much that KG ultimately uses him as a coat rack. Milicic's presence will be petty, except when holding petticoats.

*And if you had paid even closer attention, you'd have observed that he was actually absent from the association for 2 years.

^We're sure the producers find the idea of a locally-sourced actor appealing. Morrison may not be free-range, but he's definitely long-range.

Mission: Impossibulls

Metta World Peace is past his prime, but that won't prevent him from pursuing a prime and positively preposterous number this season: 73. That's the amount of victories he professes is a "goal" for the Lakers, which would surpass the stupendous 72-10 mark set by the dynastic and fantastic Chicago Bulls in 1995-96. To accomplish this, L.A. would have to win 89% of its games, a Jennifer Aniston-sized bump up from the 62% it triumphed in last year.

Sadly, The Artist Formerly Known As Artest's outrageous objective is more predictable than peculiar. Like making out in middle-school, Metta is over-the-top, twitching his tongue too much, anxious to go all the way before anyone is ready (Dwight Howard, physically and Antawn Jamison, emotionally). Call us pessimists, but when it comes to setting a new World record, we're not giving Peace a chance.

Call Him Maybe (Hey I Just Sweat for You)

Tracy McGrady is asking teams to mcgrade him. The 33-year-old free agent has worked out for the Spurs and Knicks this week. During his prime, he led the league in scoring twice, but lately has been bothered by a bum knee, so we're not sure T-Mac is T-Mobile anymore. In other words, he shouldn't expect the phone to ring with camp invites.

Hall of Famer James Worthy isn't sure Dwight Howard is worthy of being a Laker. Talking to the L.A. Times, he called Howard's hesitance to play there "gibberish" and condemned the center's complainy, conflict-causing conduct last season (he considered that "nonsense"*). Worthy also wasn't above giving a lesson in geography/sociology, observing, "This is not Orlando." You're right, it's L.A., where dozens upon dozens of dramatic divas dwell. Dwight might be right at home there.

*we get the sense that if the interview went 5 minutes more, Worthy would've worked "gobbledygook" into the conversation.

Hilfiger It Out

Rajon Rondo can get up and run away on the floor, but can he grade getups on the runway (thusly flooring us)? Last Thursday, he began a brief internship at men's magazine GQ for fashion week by sitting front row at a Duckie Brown* show. GQ guaranteed that he'd gab about garb by blogging, interviewing and critiquing throughout the week, but so far he's produced one piddling post: two-sentence reviews of a quartet of humdrum knit hats. We won't be tipping our cap to him for selecting such banal beanies. Rondo's court vision is pretenatural; however, his clothing vision is plebeian. Maybe this tour of couture wasn't garment to be.

*no, that's not Kwame Brown's brother.

Hell(o), Again

They faced off in the finals, then formed a fearsome faction for the Olympics - and don't forget their fun flag football game. Now, LeBron James and Kevin Durant are together training for the second straight offseason, teaming up for two-a-day workouts on James' turf in Ohio, during what they've dubbed "hell week." We think it's wonderful that they're both homeboys and hellboys. LeBron tweeted that Tuesday's session covered conditioning on a court, football field and a hill. If they keep doing these demanding drills as a duo, they'll be set to scrap with The Golden Army soon.

The Social Net Worth

File this under the "it might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie" category: Justin Timberlake has decided to buy, buy, buy a stake in the Grizzlies. What made the musician elect to'N Vest? Memphis is his hometown and he has reportedly become buddies with (possibly friends with benefits) anticipated new majority owner Michael Pera, who claims he's committed to keeping the team in the city, stopping just short of singing, "This I Promise You." The partnership makes sense, since Pera made his fortune in wireless technology and Timberlake supports the No Strings Attached style. Timberlake's duties will include directing the dance squad, explaining explicitly to Pera how to engage in FutureSex, crooning "I Want You Back" to the team's free agents (should they still decide to depart, "It's Tearin' Up My Heart," will be whined) and keeping Joey Fatone from eating more hot dogs than he sells at the concessions stand.

Some pizza producers promote rising crust, but this chain's crust has Rose. Derrick Rose has bought into Giordano's, as the company seeks to expand like baking dough, out of the Chicago area. It didn't require deep thought or an examination of pie charts for Rose to decide on a deal involving deep dish pies, just a discussion between his agent and a bigwig at the business. It turns out Rose is a fan of the food and his image will be featured on the boxes. If Giordano's seeks to spread successfully, its delivery will need to be as accurate and accelerated as Rose's.

A Small Dos of Shaq

We're not sure if the association has a retired players foreign exchange program, but not long after Eduardo Najera, the first Mexican-born player to be drafted, was named the coach and part-owner of the D-League's Texas Legends, it's being reported that Shaq is in discussions to suit up South of the Border. ¡Que coincidencia! Fuerza Regia has invited the Shaqtus to be indigenous to the Monterrey area, for a two-game stint in October.

The club has signed side-shows before, such as Dennis Rodman, which makes sense, since "The Worm" has found the worm at the bottle of a few tequila bottles and because he's the closest approximation to a luchador that the NBA has had, plus players who are sort-of stars, in that their names contain connections to constellations: Jamario Moon and 7'9" Sun Ming Ming. We encourage the gringo to go; say si and see the country. For instance, after you've flattened a few flaco foes like tortillas, treat yourself to a trip to Shaqapulco.