West's menial job hunt isn't without precedent. During his rookie year, Ron Artest applied at Best Buy because he coveted the employee discount. Turns out it's not illegal immigrants who are stealing work from average, assiduous Americans , it's NBA players. Whether West wants to stock screws because several of his are loose, there are two pertinent questions: 1. He can nail a jumper and grab a board, but can he sell nails and boards? 2. Did he put down Gloria James as a reference?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Lockout Hits a New Lowe's
It seems Delonte West would rather watch paint dry - and get paid to do so - than sit idly waiting for the lockout to end. West has applied for a job at a hardware store. If West has filled out his forms honestly, he'll have noted that he attended but didn't complete college and that he's a convicted criminal with weapons charges to his name. Why would West pursue low-level labor? Well, skull and crossbones neck tattoo tend to scare off those in corporate world (and you can't wear turtlenecks to the office everyday to cover it up). West made over $850K last season, so we don't think a modest hourly wage will allow him to sustain his lifestyle. We're skewering him so savagely because, whether he realize it or not, he's making a mockery of the plight of people who are genuinely struggling to scrape by and someone who earns nearly a million per year should be capable of saving some money for situations such as this.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Apocalypse Yao
It was fitting that around the same time NASA shuttered its space shuttle program, the largest Rocket of all chose to ground himself for good. After fighting a losing battle with innumerable injuries, Yao made the difficult decision to retire, several months shy of his 30th birthday*. As one of the tallest to ever play in the NBA, he reached heights fellow giants Shawn Bradley, Gheorghe Muresan and the late Manute Bol never did (to be fair, he was more well-prepared through extensive training than any of those men - and also more talented).
Yao didn't make anyone in Houston forget Hakeem Olajuwon (Yao wasn't "The Dream," more of a favorable fantasy), but he held his own against his peers in the pivot. He could've wound up a punchline, but because of his persistence, became a perennial All-Star - although some of his selections were the result of popularity more than performance (to counter the perception that it was the fans inflating his worth, he was named to the All-NBA team 5 times, which is voted on by members of the media, but never the first team). Big men with raw potential enter the league every year; Yao was the rare center who fulfilled his. His footwork ensured he was more than a footnote in NBA history, like Wang Zhizhi.
If any aspect of his career was disappointing, besides the seemingly infinite injuries and the lack of postseason success (Yao only made the second round of the playoffs once), it was where he elected to deliver the news of his retirement: in China. The Rockets GM was the only person present and he had to ask permission to attend the press conference. Maybe Yao did that because he made a larger impression there than he did here. After all, he introduced the league to millions of Chinese, in the process growing the game globally more than any player before him (and probably more than any single person in the future can, unless we see an Indian-born baller). We're certain the relative ease of his transition has influenced players to ponder going overseas during the lockout, even if they're unfamiliar with the culture and language. Maybe he felt an obligation to his own people (he's already bought his old team, the Shanghai Sharks, to save them from folding) to say goodbye in front of them. Or maybe the shy seven-footer was once again avoiding the American spotlight that he has ducked as best he could since 2002 (still, he relented enough to co-author an autobiography and agree to a documentary).
It took a player with an enormous wingspan to stretch across continents and pull in new fans to basketball, which he did with his play, not his personality. Yao was determined to be a star, not a sideshow. For his role as an ambassador, Yao deserves a spot in the Hall of Fame. Yao Ming, just like a piece of art from the actual Ming dynasty, was fragile, priceless and a sight to behold.
*This depresses us to no end, being very close to our 30th birthday as well. The only way we'd be headed downhill faster is if we were on skis.
Yao didn't make anyone in Houston forget Hakeem Olajuwon (Yao wasn't "The Dream," more of a favorable fantasy), but he held his own against his peers in the pivot. He could've wound up a punchline, but because of his persistence, became a perennial All-Star - although some of his selections were the result of popularity more than performance (to counter the perception that it was the fans inflating his worth, he was named to the All-NBA team 5 times, which is voted on by members of the media, but never the first team). Big men with raw potential enter the league every year; Yao was the rare center who fulfilled his. His footwork ensured he was more than a footnote in NBA history, like Wang Zhizhi.
If any aspect of his career was disappointing, besides the seemingly infinite injuries and the lack of postseason success (Yao only made the second round of the playoffs once), it was where he elected to deliver the news of his retirement: in China. The Rockets GM was the only person present and he had to ask permission to attend the press conference. Maybe Yao did that because he made a larger impression there than he did here. After all, he introduced the league to millions of Chinese, in the process growing the game globally more than any player before him (and probably more than any single person in the future can, unless we see an Indian-born baller). We're certain the relative ease of his transition has influenced players to ponder going overseas during the lockout, even if they're unfamiliar with the culture and language. Maybe he felt an obligation to his own people (he's already bought his old team, the Shanghai Sharks, to save them from folding) to say goodbye in front of them. Or maybe the shy seven-footer was once again avoiding the American spotlight that he has ducked as best he could since 2002 (still, he relented enough to co-author an autobiography and agree to a documentary).
It took a player with an enormous wingspan to stretch across continents and pull in new fans to basketball, which he did with his play, not his personality. Yao was determined to be a star, not a sideshow. For his role as an ambassador, Yao deserves a spot in the Hall of Fame. Yao Ming, just like a piece of art from the actual Ming dynasty, was fragile, priceless and a sight to behold.
*This depresses us to no end, being very close to our 30th birthday as well. The only way we'd be headed downhill faster is if we were on skis.
Monday, August 8, 2011
No Game Hunter
In a discouraging divination, players association executive director Billy Hunter doesn't foresee a 2011-12 season taking place, saying the squabbling sides are "$800 million apart per year," a Shaq-sized gap (maybe in his retirement, the conciliatory center can remake himself as "The Big Arbiter"). Hunter blames obstinate new owners, who he alleges are holding David Stern's "feet to the fire." Make no mistake, if an entire season is lost, the flames from this fire will spread far and wide, burning all bodies involved -- be they owners, players, union reps or the commissioner. We want to follow the Trailblazers, not follow the trail of a destructive blaze. Both sides have thrown kindling into this bonfire of the greedy*.
Unlike during the NFL's work stoppage, players' testiness hasn't manifested itself in truculent Tweets (unless Gilbert Arenas dissing his dates counts), but they have become belligerent while balling. Matt Barnes punched a player in a pickup game (and wasn't ejected), while Michael Beasley took temper troubles to another level by shoving a spectator. In separate youth camps they conduct, footage surfaced of LeBron James forcefully throwing down on a teen, while Dwyane Wade was spotted blocking layup attempts of kids several feet shorter than him, compelling us to pose the question: Are these guys teaching or terrorizing those tykes? We're not sure what Ron Artest is up to at the moment, but there could be money to be made by the mental health advocate in founding a counseling camp for his peers. Right now, locked-out players lashing out against those around them appears to be all the rage.
* or the electric gatorade acid test, for you Tom Wolfe fans
Unlike during the NFL's work stoppage, players' testiness hasn't manifested itself in truculent Tweets (unless Gilbert Arenas dissing his dates counts), but they have become belligerent while balling. Matt Barnes punched a player in a pickup game (and wasn't ejected), while Michael Beasley took temper troubles to another level by shoving a spectator. In separate youth camps they conduct, footage surfaced of LeBron James forcefully throwing down on a teen, while Dwyane Wade was spotted blocking layup attempts of kids several feet shorter than him, compelling us to pose the question: Are these guys teaching or terrorizing those tykes? We're not sure what Ron Artest is up to at the moment, but there could be money to be made by the mental health advocate in founding a counseling camp for his peers. Right now, locked-out players lashing out against those around them appears to be all the rage.
* or the electric gatorade acid test, for you Tom Wolfe fans
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Rucker and Ruckus*
This is what happens when you slash the summer league, David Stern. Kevin Durant drifts far from his Midwestern home onto the hallowed ground of Harlem's Rucker Park in search of a place to play the game he loves. The two-time reigning scoring champion poured in 66 points there on Monday, proving he's comfortable on a court whether it's indoors or outside. For an encore, he posted 41 the next night at a college gym in Manhattan (that contest featured another 60+ point-performance, so we're guessing these games took the All-Star Weekend approach to defense). Still, the lockout needs to end before superstars start signing up for Slamball squads (yes, it's still around; in fact, 20,000 people on Facebook "like" it^).
Meanwhile, LeBron is so bored he takes to tweeting about Tim Tebow (and the media is so starved for stories they cover LeBron's comments as if they're noteworthy news -- for the record, journalists, Twitter is a medium dedicated to sharing your unvarnished opinion, and LeBron's, especially by athletes' standards, was tame and tasteful), sticking up for maybe the only true golden boy (in the fans' eyes) left in professional sports, after criticism from the oft-concussed and seldom-sensible ESPN analyst Merril Hoge, who thought being a scrub running back qualified him to be an expert on evaluating what it takes to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. We don't have a religious reason for backing Tebow, like a legion of his backers, but after three starts on a terrible team in which he fared fine for a rookie QB, the jury is out on Tebow, so for Hoge to conclusively state that Tebow isn't equipped play now or possibly ever, is both incorrect (the stats don't support his argument) and idiotic.
If David Stern, who haughtily didn't even bother returning to the negotiating table until the start of August (and them arrogantly accused the players of not being serious about engaging in talks), would concentrate less on playing hardball, maybe the league he runs could get back to playing basketball, so we wouldn't have to discuss playing football (although Nate Robinson is relieved that at least one lockout is over).
* Sorry to all you Hootie and the Blowfish fans who thought this post was about Darius Rucker.
^That might be more people than "like" the WNBA -- by several thousand.
Meanwhile, LeBron is so bored he takes to tweeting about Tim Tebow (and the media is so starved for stories they cover LeBron's comments as if they're noteworthy news -- for the record, journalists, Twitter is a medium dedicated to sharing your unvarnished opinion, and LeBron's, especially by athletes' standards, was tame and tasteful), sticking up for maybe the only true golden boy (in the fans' eyes) left in professional sports, after criticism from the oft-concussed and seldom-sensible ESPN analyst Merril Hoge, who thought being a scrub running back qualified him to be an expert on evaluating what it takes to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. We don't have a religious reason for backing Tebow, like a legion of his backers, but after three starts on a terrible team in which he fared fine for a rookie QB, the jury is out on Tebow, so for Hoge to conclusively state that Tebow isn't equipped play now or possibly ever, is both incorrect (the stats don't support his argument) and idiotic.
If David Stern, who haughtily didn't even bother returning to the negotiating table until the start of August (and them arrogantly accused the players of not being serious about engaging in talks), would concentrate less on playing hardball, maybe the league he runs could get back to playing basketball, so we wouldn't have to discuss playing football (although Nate Robinson is relieved that at least one lockout is over).
* Sorry to all you Hootie and the Blowfish fans who thought this post was about Darius Rucker.
^That might be more people than "like" the WNBA -- by several thousand.
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