A Non-Harry Potter Wizard Comes to Orlando*

The writing was on the wall for Gilbert Arenas in Washington. In permanent ink. In a bold, easy-to-read font. We hear Dan Gilbert did the stenciling. Although in this case, the writing was actually the wall -- John Wall. And the wall was the metaphorical barrier the formerly accessible Arenas put up between himself and those around him after the firearms incident. He exchanged silliness for seriousness, but it came off as sulky, Malfoy-ish. His new attitude, like a homemade Christmas sweater, was unflattering and ill-fitting. Washington might have put him in the vanishing cabinet, but Arenas locked the doors. A change of scenery was inevitable; it was a matter of waiting for a team to gamble on Gilbert. In the end, Washington was so desperate to unload Arenas, they were willing to take on Rashard Lewis' max contract, a deal so horrendous you'd think Isiah Thomas brokered it. Lewis has more gold than Gringotts.

There's a fine line between quirky and loony and Arenas leaped several feet across it last season without looking. It's one thing to shout about grills after knocking down shots and another to brandish guns, even though the wapons were kept to the confines of the locker room. He's slowly inched his way back to the saner side, but he's not been very apologetic about his actions, whereas an athlete like Michael Vick has. As a result, he's been a favorite (pistol) whipping boy of the media, us included.

With his trade to Orlando, Arenas shares another similarity to Vick: he is fortunate to be granted a second chance in a stellar situation where he won't be asked to contribute immediately. The Magic are one of the best teams in the east and possess a solid (when healthy) borderline-all-star point guard in Jameer Nelson. Orlando's other trade of re-acquiring Hedo Turkoglu and landing Jason Richardson takes the pressure off of Arenas, as does not having a starting role. He doesn't need to lead, but he will need to follow. Like a trainee at a drive-thru, we're not sure how well Arenas will take orders.

For Arenas to be sent from the squad with the worst record to one that was in the finals two years ago suggests he's back in Santa's good graces, even if he's not in Stern's. This unexpected upgrade should make Arenas jollier than old Saint Nick (not sure if they checked for rosy cheeks during his physical) because he went from eating fruitcake to a plate of milk and cookies, from crummy to crumby.

*but will he be a ball hog(warts)?

LeBron Might Need Witness Protection

The Cavs-Heat game will be broadcast on TNT. Fitting, since we expect it to be explosive. LeBron dropped a bomb on Cleveland when the King abdicated his throne (opting for a kingdom with a better view of the beach) and the fans blew up in anger. Let’s just say President Obama’s Afghanistan exit strategy was less controversial. Returning to his original court could be caustic; a circus where the carnie jumps through a ring of fire to find himself aflame. In both scenarios, there's an elephant in the room, although the animal will be acknowledged.

Only a few wins -- three, to be exact -- separate the two teams heading into their Thursday showdown in Cleveland, but under scrutiny, the Cavs record doesn’t hold up. Their lone quality victory came against the Celtics. A buzzer-beater over the Bucks was their only other win against a playoff-caliber opponent. While the Heat haven't been the hoops Hercules we all hoped for, it’s tough to view this as anything but a pretender vs. a contender, even if the contender right now resembles Little Mac more than Mike Tyson. There's no escaping the fact that this still a featherweight squaring off against a heavyweight.*

The most exciting part will be the pre-game introductions. When we’ll see whether or not frenzied fans show appreciation or animosity towards LeBron. For those who think the former won’t happen, we recently heard Philadelphians cheer not curse Donovan McNabb in his return, surely the sports surprise of the century. Still, neither Cleveland nor LeBron have demonstrated much dignity in the aftermath of “The Decision” and it's not like the Cavs owner, Dan "All Caps" Gilbert, has been much of role model for the fans to follow, investigating the Heat's interactions with LeBron. If Gilbert isn't willing to let go, how can we expect the fans to? There will of course be a furious faction for whom LeBron's new No. 6 jersey might as well be a #666 because he is the Devil incarnate to some. Two things we can count on: 1. The crowd will be louder than Craig Sager’s suit. 2. We will all be witnesses to a mediocre matchup -- unless you're tuning in to the Thursday night football game (we think Michael Vick is more of a must-see than LeBron).

*We'd love to be cool enough to put this in MMA terms, but people are getting punched in way too many parts of the body for us to figure out that sport.

The Raptors Don't Know Jack

As addressed in an earlier entry, if the NBA is serious about trimming teams, Toronto should be at the top of the list. From Vince Young to Chris Bosh, no noteworthy player has wanted to continue onward in Ontario. This pattern will probably continue until Canada produces its own star. And another Steve Nash is a lot less likely than another Jamaal Magloire. As far into the future as we can see Raptors will try to get by with cast-offs, journeymen and past-their-prime players, which is fine for a D-League team, but horrid for an NBA club. They have added one from the third category, Peja Stojakovic, following a lop-sided trade with the Hornets. New Orleans gets one of the best backups in the league to spell Chris Paul, Jarett Jack, while Toronto gets a one-dimensional, aging guy with a bad back. Stojakovic’s scoring has declined for the past four seasons and he’s missed 41 games in the past two years – half a season’s worth.

This may seem like a minor move on the surface, but consider this: When the Hornets traded Darren Collison for Trevor Ariza, they gave away a promising young PG, who nearly matched Chris Paul’s production -- as a rookie. That exchange has worked in the Hornets favor, since Ariza has helped shore up a suspect defense from a season ago. Coach Monty Williams has made a concerted effort to reduce Paul’s minutes and now he can cut them more if he chooses because Jack is one of the best backups in the league and a borderline starter (he was splitting time with Jose Calderon in Toronto). So, the Hornets regained depth, while the Raptors sacrificed the only depth they had on a low-ball offer. Why not wait until the trading deadline (still months away), when the playoff picture is clearer, before jettisoning Jack? We’re confident Miami will be shopping for a PG soon. Maybe the Raptors are counting on their country’s superior health care system to restore Stojakovic’s health. To top it off, the Hornets saved money in the deal. Is it any wonder these teams’ records are nearly mirror images of each other (the Hornets are 12-5, while the Raptors are 6-11)? Like mixing Molson with maple syrup*, this trade should leave a bad taste in the mouths of Raptors fans. Simply put, Toronto got Jacked.

*Any competent Canuck knows LaBatts is the correct choice, as part of a booze-filled breakfast. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to our EhEh meeting.

Putting a Dampier on Things

Miami was supposed to be head and shoulders above all the other teams. Yet, all they’ve managed to do is bump heads - and now shoulders - with their coach. Eric Spoelstra is the easy scapegoat, but he’s not the source of the early season struggles. The simple truth is the Heat are incomplete. Three of the best players in the league can’t compensate for the weakness in the remainder of the roster. Miami, to clear cap space to sign free agents, was a shell of a squad last year and for the mounds of money spent, they’ve only upgraded (albeit significantly) at two positions. Translation: the Heat are about as deep as an Ashton Kutcher tweet.

Now the Heat will be without Udonis Haslem, their toughest, most physical interior player, presumably for the season, after tearing a ligament in his foot. Although Haslem is more of a role player, this is a significant setback for the Heat. Haslem, a co-captain, was a leader, the team’s best rebounder and a guy willing to do the dirty work that’s required to win, such as taking charges and playing out of position, which he often did. Perhaps an even bigger problem than losing Haslem is who the Heat have added to replace him: Erick Dampier. Dampier, by virtue of his size, can clog a lane, but he doesn’t do much to defend it. Dampier’s big, but soft, like a stuffed animal at FAO Schwartz. Dampier’s last team, the Bobcats waived him before he’d even played a game, deciding they’d be better off with Kwame Brown in the middle. If that isn’t the ultimate slap in the face in the NBA, we’re not sure what is.

Losing a linchpin like Haslem and substituting someone who’s never been very inspired on a team that requires motivation – possibly the kind only Pat Riley can deliver (or that only he thinks he can deliver) – is the equivalent of putting a band-aid over a cut that requires stitches. And an off-brand band-aid at that. The “Big Three” are a big deal, but the Heat’s record might depend as much on another, average-to-atrocious trio: Dampier, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Joel Anthony. The Heat need to find a center to find their center.

Tony Parker Can't Lose*

Tony Parker may have signed a four-year contract extension last month, but he's still going to be a free agent of sorts. His wife, Eva Longoria, has filed for divorce. Ironic that the Desperate Housewives star is paving the way for him to rendezvous with numerous housewives, desperate or otherwise. As if being newly single and recently made richer wasn't enough, Parker has steered the Spurs to the best record in the league at 12-1. San Antonio has won 11 straight games, so whatever discord there might be in his personal life, it hasn't affected his play one bit. In fact, Parker is dishing and swishing superbly. His scoring is up 3.5 points per game from last season and he's handing out almost 2 more assists in each contest as compared to 09-10.

The alleged reason for the split is that Parker was having an affair with a mutual friend and while that's difficult to defend, we have two points: 1. "Monogamy" isn't a word in the European vocabulary (neither is "mouthwash") and 2. It's still better than sleeping with a teammate's mom (we're staring suspiciously at you, Delonte West). Re-signing with San Antonio means Parker will probably finish his career with the team that drafted him (as will Duncan and Ginobili), a rare occurrence these days, so even if Parker wasn't loyal to his spouse, he is to the Spurs. Although it pains us to praise a Parisian, Parker has been overlooked for the bulk of his career, as the media fawns over a flashier, newer point guard every year: Roy, Rose and now Westbrook. So here's a toast. A French toast.


*This is the first of what will likely be many references to failed Fox sitcoms. Wait until you read what player we've determined is suffering from Arrested Development. Yes, we can be quite The Critic, but at least we keep you in The Loop. Maybe we'll go back and change the last post's title to "Greg the Bunny Oden."

Inside Stuffing

NBA Thanksgiving fun fact: Turducken contains meat from a turkey, chicken and former journeyman center Kevin Duckworth.

Greg Oden is a FAILblazer

Greg Oden is a professional basketball player whose body is not capable of playing basketball for more than a handful of games at at time. This wouldn't be a big deal if the NBA season lasted a month. Or if he wasn't the number one overall pick in 2007. Oden missed all of what was supposed to be his first year following microfracture surgery on his right knee and he's been out of action since December of last year after microfracture surgery on his left knee*. He's seen more doctors than the Pebble Beach golf course.

Now comes the news that he won't return at any point this season. That means, after four seasons, Oden will have played in 82 games -- exactly one season's worth. He makes Yao Ming seem like A.C. Green in comparison (we're referring to his consecutive games streak, not his equally lengthy celibacy streak, which is more likely to never be topped). While it's debatable whether it's premature to brand him a bust, Oden is in serious danger of being the 00's Michael Olowokandi -- the most disappointing kandi since Sweet Tarts.

At least Oden will have plenty of time to send out more naked pictures of himself. Maybe he and Favre can hold a competition. Fastest to flash the flesh on Flickr is our suggested title.

* We don't need to tell you, anything with "micro" in the title isn't good, whether it's Microsoft or Micro Machines. Remember those? They sucked in comparison to Hot Wheels.

Moss Grows on LeBron

Just a few months ago, LeBron James was starved for attention. Now, he’s had his fill. The problem is, the media is a ravenous lot. Seriously, you can't say the "word" buffet around beat writers without causing a stampede. And LeBron is seated at the head of the dinner table, his plate piled high with food, but suddenly he's lost his appetite.*

LeBron doesn’t like all the scrutiny he’s brought on himself. After the Heat’s second loss to the Celtics, LeBron called for his playing time to be reduced – he declared that 44 minutes were “too much” (that’s more than a whole game, according to Zach Randolph). He then complained that the press blew his comments out of proportion. LeBron, you blew yourself out of proportion when you chose to control the news with your special, instead of just being covered by it. You made a calculated decision to move beyond the highlights to the headlines. You shone the spotlight on yourself, so you can't complain about the inevitable glare.

LeBron went on to say he understands why Randy Moss refuses to speak to the media. Maybe in a few weeks, if the losses continue to pile up, he’ll start to understand why Randy Moss quits during games (something LeBron was already accused of in the playoffs last year) and curses out caterers.

Identifying and sympathizing with a repudiated jerk, is this the road LeBron really wants to travel down? Openly asking for less responsibility isn’t exactly the mark of a great leader. We can’t find fault in LeBron’s game, but there's room for improvement in regards to his remarks (we think he owes his coach an apology) and role models.

*Wow, I've carried this conceit so far, I'm starting to get hungry.

Kevin Durant Has an AdVANtage

Kevin Durant may be the NBA’s newest golden child, but there’s a blue collar ethos present, which naturally resonates in the red states that makeup the Midwest*. Announcing his contract extension via Tweet brought him more goodwill than a million slick Nike ads ever could for LeBron; the message and the medium were both modern and modest. He’s so humble he didn’t want to appear on the Sports Illustrated cover alone; only agreeing to pose if two less-heralded teammates could flank him.

His working class ways are even evident in his mode of transportation: a GMC van. No imported (thanks for buying American, KD, maybe that’s why Obama invited you to ball at his place), souped up sports car, no tricked out truck, no limo-Hummer hybrid, no sleek motorcycles, no fleet containing all four. What 22-year-old multi-millionaire would pick the practical over the pricey, the reasonable over the ritzy? We’ll gladly answer our own question: A rare and mature one, one executives can feel secure in building a franchise around. One that the NBA is starting to showcase more and more.

Instead of buying a vehicle with the intention of impressing his teammates, Durant purchased one with the intention of giving them all a ride to practice. Kevin Durant: part superstar, part soccer mom. That's not to say his recession-relevant ride is devoid of amenities -- there’s an Xbox, a TV, some subwoofers and shiny rims -- but it’s still a van. Those haven’t been cool in decades and we question whether or not they were even hip in the 1970s because stoners tend to have terrible taste (see: tie-dyed shirts, the Grateful Dead). If Durant is interested in turning heads when he drives, it’ll have to be while he’s on the court.

* How's that for colorful language?

The Guy Who Kicked the Hornets Nest

It’s time the Hornets generated some buzz. New Orleans is the lone remaining undefeated team. If that’s not surprising enough, they’ve done it with a new and first-time head coach and GM. On top of that, Chris Paul’s minutes per game are the lowest they’ve been since entering the league. That’s right, the Hornets best player is spending more time on the sidelines, which might sting* a more selfish player concerned about his stats (Paul’s scoring is down). In truth, all Paul cares about is winning and his grumbling during the off-season was understandable because it was difficult to determine whether all the changes in NO signaled if Hornets were committed to winning or merely to cutting payroll by bringing aboard inexperienced personnel.

The Lakers and Celtics have performed as advertised, each with eight wins, while the Heat are barely luke-warm at 6-4, but what about a team that had no hype entering the? The Hornets have been helped by the fact that 5 of the 8 games have been at home, but that has been balanced out by the quality of the opponents: six of the victories have been over squads that made the playoffs last year and one that shouldn’t be a pushover anymore (Clippers). Not to mention the Big Easy has never turned up in big numbers for basketball, so the spectator support isn’t the same as in San Antonio or Utah.

Monty Williams has changed the culture by preaching defense and the Hornets have taken their cues from two recent acquisitions. Emeka Okafor is protecting the paint, while Trevor Ariza is locking down the perimeter, which adds up to the Hornets allowing under 90 points per contest to opponents, less than every team but the Bucks. Having Okafor around to erase mistakes allows Paul to gamble on steals more and not necessarily cost his team points.

We’re not saying that the strong start is an indication of where this team will finish, but heading into the season the priority was to placate Paul, not a playoff push. We don’t anticipate a trip to the Western Conference finals (for one, their bench is thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen), but the Hornets could benefit from the low expectations and the fresh approach. Right now, they couldn’t bee any better.

*pun fully intended

Post script: The Hornets lost the very next game they played. That bugs me a little (once again, pun intended). In summary, my seal of approval is more like a kiss of death, which means you don't want to know what my kisses are like.

Bald Don't Lie

Kevin Garnett's caustic comments would've caused the hair on Charlie Villanueva's head to stand up -- if Villanueva had any. Villanueva, who is afflicted with alopecia areata, a skin disease that prevents hair from growing on any part of his body (not just his noggin), alleges that Garnett called him a "cancer patient" during a game in which their matchup went from physical to personal. Garnett denies it -- claiming that he said Villanueva was "cancerous" to his team-- and his coach and Celtics director of basketball ops (Doc River and Danny Ainge) have rushed to both defend Garnett and disparage Villanueva, respectively, proving that the Celtics are a classy organization, from top to bottom.

Garnett has a well-deserved reputation for running his mouth and his gums have been flapping far more frequently since he joined the Celtics. He talks more trash than a garrulous garbageman. And these days, his lips move much more than his legs. So all signs point to it being true that in the heat of the moment he went over the line and said something stupid to purposefully provoke his opponent. That doesn't excuse his remarks, which crass and cruel, especially since this is a future Hall of Famer picking on a role player.

We're inclined to trust Villanueva. Why would he make the story up? He doesn't have a history of lying, while Garnett does have a history of yapping. Furthermore, Garnett expects us to believe he has the concentration to ball while spouting poly-syllabic insults? That when he's not dunking he's perusing the dictionary for pernicious put-downs?*

Villanueva is angry enough that he challenged Garnett to a fight, albeit in the least macho way possible: via Tweet. If KG wants to make things right, agree to square off, with all the proceeds going to fund cancer research. Only then will he learn the valuable lesson that words hurt -- but not as much as fists.

*You better believe I consulted a dictionary to make sure I was using "pernicious" correctly.

Oregon Almost Elects a Dud(ley)

Chris Dudley never ran down the court well, but that didn't stop him from running for Governor of Oregon, narrowly losing a closely-contested race. His political ambitions were like the residents of Eugene: high. To be fair, he isn't just another jock who misses being famous, although the incumbent did accuse him of that. Dudley attended Yale, which surely prepared him more for lobbying than dribbling, earning a degree in economics and political science. We think Dudley still has a bright future in politics, since his NBA career mimics that of many politicians: there's longevity (16 years) without much productivity (a paltry 3.9 ppg).

In other former great white stiffs who were vying for political office news, Shawn Bradley lost his bid for a seat in the Utah legislature. Experts thought gaining office would be a... (wait for it) tall order for the 7'6" Bradley. If this trend continues, we can expect to address Jeff Foster as "Senator" in ten years.

Deaf Jam

David Stern is preaching that players’ salaries have to be slashed substantially in order for the league to sustain itself. In other words, Chicken Little is screaming that the sky is falling. But his cries aren't being heard. While Stern has been publicly advocating for fiscal sanity – which he should’ve done before the free agency period if he wanted us to believe this was more than a tactic related to the collective bargaining negotiations-- teams have chosen to not just ignore that message, but openly defy it.

This week, Memphis announced it's shelling out $40 million for PG Mike Conley, while Atlanta agreed to terms with C Al Horford for $60 million. Conley averaged 12 points and 5 assists in 32 minutes per game last season. Those stats aren’t exactly eye-popping, but he’s sure to be cork-popping to toast his new deal, since the five-year contract will double his annual salary, from 4 to 8 mill. Horford nearly averaged a double-double last season, with 14 points and just under 10 boards, good enough to be named an All-Star reserve. The scoring is solid and the rebounding figure is impressive, but is he worth 12 mill. a year -- or more than twice what he's earning now? To put it in perspective, Horford will make more next season than any one of his teammates this season, except Joe Johnson, who received a max. contract.*

Both Conley and Horford are from the ’07 draft class, meaning they were only going to be restricted free agents after the year, so there should’ve been no rush to re-sign them.
In essence, these franchises are gambling that these players will continue to develop and improve, and that signing them at the start of the season will be less costly than doing so at the end, eliminating a potential bidding war against other interested squads, possibly saving them money in the long-run. However, they don't appear to be on track to turn into elite players at their positions; it's doubtful they're the next Chris Paul and Dwight Howard.

The Hawks and Grizzlies are paying for potential, which is the way the NBA has conducted business for quite some time, but if that has truly caused the league sink into dire straights financially, then it needs to stop. Desist distributing dollars to the might-be-greats. Often, players don't live up to the expectations and teams are saddled for years with bad contracts that they sometimes swap for other, equally-bad contracts. Owners and GMs need to reward results and end the practice of handing huge contracts to unproven players or one-year wonders. Being an NBA lottery pick doesn't mean you should be paid like a lottery winner, although it's not their fault that owners are willing to hand them jackpot money. Powerball and basketball payouts shouldn't be the same.

*Please note that this post contains no humor, but if you want to have a good laugh, take a look at what the Wolves voluntarily agreed to pay Darko this summer. He's responded with an average of 3.5 points on 18 percent shooting through four games. Money well-spent.

David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.

Rocky Mountain Hi

After two nights of action, it might be time to scale back the collective expectations for the Threet. Using a combination of mathematics and moderation (two concepts we never applied in college), we can reasonably predict an 81-1 regular season record and a complete cancellation of the playoffs by the commissioner due to Miami's utter dominance, followed by the team’s immediate enshrinement in the Hall of Fame. Diverting our attention from Miami Thrice for a minute, there are many other compelling question beyond whether or not the Three Basketeers make history. Here's a handful for the Denver Nuggets:

Where will Carmelo Anthony's final destination be? Will he be sent to a contender or a struggling squad? Will Denver get anything close to equal value when they do unload him? Will ‘Melo be motivated while he bides his time waiting to leave or will he switch to cruise control? Is he feeling slighted, since Kevin Durant may have surpassed him as a pure scorer? When he departs, can J.R. Smith, he of the Autobots and Decepticons ink, transform (see what we did there?) himself from a streaky scorer into a steady one? Will parting ways with him cause the team to miss the post-season in the Northwest, one of the most difficult divisions in the NBA? If he’s granted his wish to join the Knicks, will the coy approach he's taken adopted by other athletes? Is this his way of not snitching on himself?

Will George Karl’s health hold up in his return to the bench after a courageous battle with throat cancer? Will the team rally around the most player-friendly coach in the NBA, after collapsing in his absence last season?

Can Ty Lawson handle the PG duties well enough to allow Chauncey Billups to pace himself and not play too many minutes early on?

Is there any room left on the Birdman’s body to get another tattoo? Will Lynyrd Skynyrd thank him for the free advertising? Is he learning how to play the guitar so he can honor the musical requests that will soon be shouted his way? Will people hold lighters up when he blocks shots?

Which will be higher at the season’s end: LeBron’s ppg average or the Cavs win total?

Sorry, couldn’t resist sneaking that one in.

Conversation About Miami Still Heating Up

LeBron-a-thon begins tonight -- aka the 2010-11 NBA season. Love him or loathe him, you can expect wall-to-wall coverage of the most controversial decider since George W. Bush. Ironically, John Wall will not receive wall-to-wall coverage -- or even as much as his backcourt mate, Guns and Ammo cover model Gilbert Arenas, who we're sure is dressing as Robin for Halloween, based on his recent comments. With all the attention on LBJ and his cabinet*, no one is talking about the defending champs, except in relation to the Vujacic-Sharapova engagement (which one spends more time on their hair in the morning is a burning question) and perhaps some discussion of whether Andrew Bynum's body is sturdier than balsa wood, but we're sure some sixth-grader will get to the bottom of this shortly at a science fair (preferably using popsicle sticks).

A little more than two decades ago, Public Enemy told us not to believe the hype. LeBron has been branded a public enemy by many. Therefore, we shall follow the sage advice of the clock-accessorizing group and not automatically assume the Heat will win 70 games or award them the championship on opening night. That doesn't mean we're not excited to watch the talented trio, but if the media makes it all about Mia-ME 24/7, there's bound to be some backlash, particularly from astute fans who know the league has much more to offer beyond LeBron.

*That's two Presidential references in one post. You won't get that from other basketball blogs. Unless Obama has started one (ghostwritten by Reggie Love), which is entirely possible. In fact, if he appointed a person to be the Secretary of Slam Dunks, we wouldn't be surprised.

Get Out of Your Dreams and Into His Car

It's ok to admit that 90s Gatorade commercials manipulated your mind. We're not saying electrolytes are evil, but the company's lightning bolt burned into your brain at an early age that your innermost desire was to be "like Mike." There's good news and bad news about this common condition, although it's expensive either way. The bad news is that there still hasn't been a breakthrough in therapy can cure you of this marketing malady. The good news is that you can move closer to your life's ambition of sharing similarities with MJ (beyond the gambling addiction) -- provided you have around $430K to spare (be sure check under the couch cushions...of a multi-millionaire's furniture).

Jordan is selling his '07 Mercedes McLaren SLR 722. Before you ask, yes, the doors open vertically, so you know it's worth the steep asking price. Hold on to your Hanes, because this rare ride has a top speed of 209 mph. The cost might not be low, but the mileage sure is. Jordan has only put 962 on the odometer, so, just like with the Bobcats, he's devoted hardly any time to it these past few years.

3,2,1...Contract

David Stern is openly talking about contraction and, as far as we know, his wife's not pregnant. That means he's considering eliminating teams. If the NBA must phase out franchises, let’s first look to the great white north. No, not Minnesota. Think whiter and even more northern: Canada.

True, a native of Canada did spawn the sport, Dr. James Naismith*, all blessings and praise be upon him, but having pro teams in Canada has been a failed experiment, like Dane Cook's movie career. In both cases, there was some potential, but things didn't translate well, casting was poor (when Bryant Reeves or Jason Biggs play prominent roles it's a sign of disaster), and eventually they became unwatchable.

In the decade-and-a-half Toronto has had a team, they have made the playoffs five times, advancing past the first round only once. They have finished at or above .500 five times. Even worse, their now-exiled counterparts, the Grizzlies, didn't come close to qualifying for the playoffs while in Vancouver (or winning 30 games). They have never won a post-season game and have finished with a winning record just once. Their winning percentage overall is .333. It's fitting that a franchise so down on its luck settled in a city synonymous with the blues.

Ignore the fact that the Raptors couldn’t retain an in-his-prime, All-Star draft pick, Chris Bosh (that could happen to any squad, but don't except condolences from Cavs fans), and instead focus on the fact that they couldn’t retain an aging, mid-level player, Hedo Turkoglu, who chose to come there as a free agent one year prior. The seats at the Air Canada Centre should come with barf bags.

Usually, a commissioner would look to cut the teams in the smallest markets first, but the NBA has proven better than any other pro sports league that those teams can thrive (see: Sacramento, Portland). Hell, Stern is the same person who three years ago approved a franchise resettling to a smaller city, which came as a wake-up call to a city that's already very alert due to over-caffeination. He rewards loyalty and Oklahoma City had embraced the Hornets when they were a temporary team. The Grizzlies may play at FedEx Forum, but they are a package fans have resisted receiving, regardless of the country. These teams were never featured on U.S. TV broadcasts anyway, which means they might as well have not existed. Raptors have been extinct for millions of years, so why not kill off the last ones? Grizzlies hibernate during the winter, so just make it permanent. Because if the NBA must cry poor, at least blame it on the exchange rate.

* He did become a naturalized U.S. citizen. Which means we can claim his as our own and also that Nike should be cutting his descendants monthly checks.

Lakers Lose Magic Touch

Magic Johnson has sold his stake in the Lakers to a doctor. A real one, not Dr. J. Although it’s probably a plastic surgeon, since it’s L.A. With a physician as a part-owner, maybe he can work a medical miracle and Andrew Bynum will play in 10 or more games in a row without getting injured.

In addition to his trick of making the HIV in his body disappear (top that, David Blaine), Magic has been a savvy businessman in his retirement, so he likely had more on his mind with this move than just making a profit, especially since Michael Jordan has now paved the way for iconic players to own teams (even if he went to the Isiah Thomas School of Management). It became clear that the Buss family wasn’t going to budge on selling the Lakers.

Hopefully, he’ll be able to make bid for ownership of a franchise more befitting of his nickname, like the Orlando Magic or the Washington Wizards. Or he could take things a step further, and reintroduce pro hoops to the Emerald City with the alliteration-approved Seattle Sorcerers (they're crazy for coffee and consonance in that city). Whatever Magic elects to do next, it can't turn out worse than his late night talk show.

Russian to Judgment on the Cavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers lost an exhibition game to CSKA Moscow Saturday night. No, that's not the new name for the New Jersey Nets, it's a formidable Euroleague team that came state-side to play a few NBA squads this week, including Miami Thrice and the should've stayed in Charlotte Hornets (because the league was a better place before the Bobcats existed).

Preseason results should be taken with a grain of salt, although that's difficult when LeBron is using the same shaker to pour and rub sodium into the wounds of his hometown team. Don't think it was only Cavs fans and their livid, letter-writing owner who were devastated when LeBron left, it affected his former teammates as well and will continue to so for awhile. Some of them may even be wondering why LeBron handpicked Z to join him in South Beach and not them -- probably because LeBron wanted to give Z an opportunity to finally get a tan or a championship, neither of which seemed possible in Cleveland (or maybe LeBron's thought process was that it's always cool to have friend with an accent; it makes you seem more worldly).

Even if he wore a racist tie on media day (now we know S&K Menswear must mean Swastikas and Klansmen), we don't envy the work that lies ahead for new coach Byron Scott. Straightening this team out is going to be more challenging than straightening Anderson Varejao's hair.

Iverson to Turkey - No (Istan)bul

Allen Iverson is all over the map. We mean physically, not mentally. Iverson is reportedly in contract negotiations with a club in that country, Besiktas Cola Turka, with a sticking point over signing being the maximum amount he can be fined over the course of the season (apparently his practice skipping is pre-meditated).

This move certainly doesn't carry the global cachet of playing in China. For one, he'd be balling or squad named after a strange soda. Forget any world-wide endorsement deals, they'd be regional at best. If you think that soft drink is weird, we don't recommend Turkey's other popular carbonated beverage, Mountain Hedo.

Arenas Wasn't "Nick"ed Up

Unofficial NRA member and occasional player for the Washington Bullets, er, Wizards, Gilbert Arenas faked a knee injury so that fellow guard Nick Young could receive some more playing time. The ploy mostly worked, as Young scored 24 points, but Arenas has been fined $50K by the team for his deception. Hope every point you watched your teammate score from the bench was worth $2,083.33, Gilbert.

As the sole beneficiary of the dumb decision, Young should step up and foot the bill to express his gratitude, but Arenas shouldn't have had to resort to that tactic. As the senior-most veteran and expected leader of a callow team, he should have lobbied on Young's behalf, not lied. There was no (k)need for duplicity.

Heat Show Air-ogance

The only team talked about this summer, the Miami Threet, are above practicing at a gym. They need a grander stage, so they've been getting their Top Gun on, scrimmaging at a Florida Air Force base this week (we can't reveal the exact location, but it's off the highway to the danger zone). The setting is ironic, because the Air Force is known for employing stealth and there's nothing under-the-radar about this bunch. In the scant time they've been together, Bosh, Wade and LeBron have already hot dogged more than an Oscar Myer employee.

Maybe the motive is pure -- to display appreciation to a local branch of the military -- but it seems more like another way to call attention to themselves by doing something out of the ordinary to create a spectacle, which is unnecessary since this team has more coverage than a Muslim woman's wardrobe.

A High Tech Problem

Kendrick Perkins, you might want to work on being perky. The NBA revealed on Friday that it is doubling the fines for technical fouls this season. The amount will start at $2,000 and increase by 1K per every 5 technicals. If a player manages to amass 16 techs or more, the amount caps at $5,000. Last year, 3 players finished the regular season with 16 or more technicals: Perkins, Rasheed Wallace and Dwight Howard.

What does this mean? Superman can fly -- just not off the handle. And Kobe (14 techs) would be wise to have less beef with the refs. Similarly, Amar'e (13) needs to not adopt a New Yorker attitude (let Spike Lee do your shouting for you) and 'Melo (13) must mellow. Now it's becoming clear why Wallace decided to retire.

To LeBron, Everything's Black and White

While Ron Artest was out racing cars, LeBron was busy playing the race card on CNN Wednesday with attractive anchor and most multicultural person on the planet, Soledad O'Brien. I didn't think LeBron was a coward for departing his hometown team after years of preaching loyalty (although that does make him a hypocrite) or for not being appreciative of his former teammates, which depressed Mo Williams (probably because he knew he'd never get an open look at a 3 again), or for shirking the responsibility of carrying a squad, but he is a coward for blaming the backlash on prejudice and even more so for having no evidence to support his statement. And even more so for letting his manager, Maverick Carter, mostly speak for him on the subject. Well, that was more moronic than cowardly.

"It's always, you know, a race factor," LeBron said. It's an absolute, yet a vague one. If it was always about race, then shouldn't it be black people upset with LeBron because he didn't select a city with a higher black population, like Washington D.C. or Atlanta? (Miami-Dade County is over 77% white). Last time I looked into an average crowd at an NBA game, the stands are fairly monochromatic and they're not the same shade as LeBron. It's not just one race that loves the NBA (even if it's usually one race that can afford to attend games).

His decision to imply that racism is the reason he has been criticized, especially when one of the most outspoken detractors has been Charles Barkley (with even the ever-neutral Michael Jordan questioning LeBron's choice), is far worse than "The Decision" was.

Take this mental note: Let your game do the talking because your mouth is doing some serious damage to your reputation.

'Melo Involved in 4-Way?

No, we're not referring to a scenario that might make Wilt Chamberlain smile upon 'Melo from Heaven. We're talking about a possible trade involving Denver, New Jersey, Utah and Charlotte, with Carmelo landing on the Nets.

Multiple sources have been reporting for months that Anthony has requested out of the Mile High city and his desired destination is the Knicks, so this deal wouldn't be granting his wish exactly. It would be like if in Big, Tom Hanks was turned from a boy into a teenager, instead of an adult.

If the trade is made, 'Melo, try to think of Newark as New York if you squished the letters together and changed the spelling slightly and removed everything great about New York. We understand going to the Nets means you won't play with a prestigious player (Amare), but on the bright side you'd be surrounded by big men who went to some of the most prestigious universities in the country: Brook Lopez (Stanford), Troy Murphy (Notre Dame) and Brian Zoubek (Duke). Still, even if you're not moving to a better team, at least you're transferring to a better time zone. We all know Mountain Standard sucks.

Warriors Make Smart Move

The Golden State Warriors new owners are set to relieve Don Nelson of his coaching duties and pass the clipboard to assistant Keith Smart. Smart coached the Cavs for almost half of a season back in 2002-03. The good news is he won more games than the man he took over for. The bad news is that total was 9.

Contrast that resume with Nelson's, who's won more games than anyone in NBA history and been a head coach for over three decades.However, Nelson has zero championships to show for his efforts. In contrast, Phil Jackson has 237 less victories, but more rings than he has fingers). Nelson was so disinterested in D that I wouldn't be surprised if he told his players to call him "On."

However, Nelson's record won't stand for long if Pat Riley, the Gordon Gekko of the league*, seizes control of this Brotherhood of the Traveling Shorts^ Heat squad for a few seasons.

Nelson, in the final year of his contract, will receive his fully salary. So, just like another Nelson who's been around a long time, he'll have the last laugh.

*This is in no way a concealed advertisement for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, starring Shia LeBeouf. In theaters now. Rated PG-13.
Two points: 1. I'm sad that I spelled Shia's name correctly on the first try, but not as sad as I am that I took the time to check to see if I did. 2. "Money Never Sleeps" would've been a great slogan for the NBA.
^Don't even try to trademark this. It's my phrase.

Reading is Pundamental

Now that Rasheed Wallace is retired -- with the Celtics replacing him with every O'Neal short of Tatum -- and the NBA season is around the corner, he's going to need an activity to occupy his time and it can't be coaching, since he erupts so often he should be classified as an active volcano. Writing a book about his 15 seasons in the league seems like a good idea. He's always been curt with the media, so this would be a chance to open up. While we expect the chapter on off-season conditioning to be no more than a page, we're sure he has plenty of stories to tell. He'll need a title for his tome. Here are some suggestions:
Technical Issues
He Said, 'Sheed Said
It Was a Good Game. Both Teams Played Hard. But I Kind of Coasted.
Let Your Scowl be Your Umbrella
The Need for 'Sheed
Ain't Nobody's Beard Better: Double-Doubles and Double Negatives
How to Succeed in Basketball without Really Trying
That's All 'Sheed Wrote
Ball Don't Lie, But Tim Donaghy Did
One Pissed Piston (or One Ticked Celtic)
Bad Things Come in Threes (co-written with Antonie Walker)

Yao's Better Half

Imagine every day you go to work, which is only for half of the year, is a half-day. And you don't have to work on consecutive days. And you'll be paid over $16 million for this light labor. Such is the relaxed schedule for Yao Ming, as the Houston Rockets announced they will play him no more than 24 minutes per outing this coming season. And Yao will sit on the second night of back-to-back games. The team might as well build a special bench to accommodate his 7'6" frame. Maybe it can recline, so he can truly rest his brittle bones. Yao missed all of last season and the Rockets finished 2 games above .500.

The Rockets created this plan in order to protect the injury-prone Yao, but by enacting this rigid rule it seems more like they are babying him. In order to make an impact, Yao will have to transform into one of the most efficient players in the league and be able to do a lot in a little time. That may not be realistic. Big men typically need time to establish a rhythm during a game and Yao is no exception. We doubt those 24 minutes will be played consecutively, meaning his flow will be worse than Kevin Federline's. The bottom line is a man who averaged nearly 20 and 10 in '08-'09 is being reduced to a role player by his team. If the Rockets intend to barely use Yao, it's time to consider trading him.

A (Du)Rant on the FIBA Team

Yes, the U.S. won for the first time since 1994, but let me be blunt: This FIBA squad was feeble. Too young, leader-less and lacking centers and shooters; the flaws were obvious. Evaluating the ramshackle roster, expectations and enthusiasm were diminished. However, to most countries, this event is more significant than the Olympics because more teams participate, so the rest of the world would still view the U.S. bowing out as a big deal.

Letting Rajon Rondo, who is the best rebounder at his position in the league and probably would've been the second-best of this bunch, walk away (which he did so he wouldn't have to be officially cut), was a mistake. The argument for his dismissal was that he can be difficult to coach. I guess Coach K wasn't willing to deal with a player who doesn't follow his every order, who he doesn't have complete control over at all times. There's a difference between a player who's undisciplined and one who's stubborn; I believe Rondo is the latter, not the former. Another head-scratching move was relying on Lamar Odom, one of the most frustratingly inconsistent players in the league during his career, to be productive and provide leadership when he's always shied away from it, was a huge gamble. Surprisingly, it worked out, but it wasn't Odom or Chauncey Billips who set the example the rest of the group followed.

If it wasn't for the constant heroics of Kevin Durant, this tournament would've ended quickly and disgracefully for the U.S. Durant had to be historically excellent and nearly perfect in every outing for this team to take the trophy. Thanks to his scorching shooting, especially from long-range, he scored more points in the tournament and in a single game than any American ever has. It was unreasonable to expect that of a 21-year-old, yet Durant delivered. Simply put, he was better than everyone. He was better than we imagined. He was better than we deserved.

See If Eye Care

L.A. Clippers rookie Al-Farouq Aminu, who sported some goofy glasses during the draft, might have been mocked for his cosmetic choice (the lenses were non-prescription), but now he's making money off of it. Aminu has agreed to an endorsement deal with Geek Eyewear. We bet Horace Grant is ticked he didn't think of this 15 years ago. Playing for Clippers, Aminu would be wise to wear a pair of rose-colored glasses this season.

Warriors Pony(tail) Up for Amundson

Believe it or not, amidst all the changes of address for LeBron, Amare, Bosh and Boozer, free-agent forward Louis Amundson got lost in the shuffle. No more. Golden State inked the golden-haired one, who was part of an effective rotation in Phoenix last season. The Suns showed him the door after signing Hakim Warrick and trading for Hedo Turkoglu. Amudson's stats aren't gaudy, but as Jay-Z once said, "You can't knock the hustle."

Could Iverson Crossover to China?

Gary Moore, Allen Iverson's personal manager (not to be confused with his agent, Leon Rose, who would actually handle this kind of move), says the star is considering taking the road recently traveled by Stephon Marbury and hooping it up in China, since no NBA teams have invited him to camp yet. Due to his small stature and fearless, frenetic play, Iverson has always been a crowd favorite and the NBA is huge in China, so this could be a savvy move, earning Iverson millions more dollars and, potentially, millions of new fans. It would also be ironic that a man who's never wanted to conform could find happiness in a land where authoritarianism rules. If a team signs him, they'll probably require him to practice and that hasn't always sat well with him. We hope it happens because you can't spell "Shanghai" without 'ai.'

T-Wolves Plan to Suck This Season

The Minnesota Timberwolves, the team of 10,000 point guards in the land of 10,000 lakes, took out a full-page ad in the Star-Tribune Monday acknowledging that any remaining fans will be in for a long and painful season, asking and then answering the question, "So will we challenge for an NBA championship this year? Not likely." At least they're supporting the local paper; they should consider placing another ad in the "Personals" section: single, mixed race team seeks supporters.
But just how unlikely is it? About as unlikely as "Donnie" Darko Milicic, who they inexplicably signed to a four-year, $20 mill. deal this off-season, becoming the league MVP. Sometimes, honesty isn't the best policy.