Heat Ring In the New Year

NBA (B)All Day's observations from opening night:

The Good: LeBron James shone like his dazzling 219-diamond championship ring, posting 26 points in 29 minutes of play. However, less predictable performance took place in previous province. Rebounding from a wrist injury that caused him to miss most of last season, Anderson Varejao racked up a career-high 23 rebounds and fell one point and one assist short of a triple-double, in a contest between teams with the second and third-worst records last season, that the league tried to bury on the schedule like it was NBC and Cavaliers-Wizards was Community. Today may be about Washington Irving, but yesterday belonged to Kyrie Irving, who scored a game-high 29 points and will continue causing onlookers to(Ichabod) Crane their necks.

The Bad: Not only did Dwight Howard foul out and the Lakers lose in his debut, his Mavericks counterparts, Elton Brand and Eddy Curry, also in new uniforms, combined to out-rebound him, 15-10, and were within 4 points of matching Howard's scoring total. The defeat at home, coupled with an 0-8 preseason, has caused some cries of "mayday," which is fitting since the Lakers last win was on a day in May.

The Ugly: It's obvious Kevin Garnett was shaken up by Ray Allen bailing on Boston, so he's going to great lengths to pull the rug out from under the carpetbagger, shaking off a handshake before the game. True, Allen was wearing white the night before Halloween, so maybe that's why Garnett treated him like he was a ghost. If this was a horror movie, it'd be titled The Grudge, although Garnett's activity is less paranormal and more passive-aggressive.

A Harden Sell

Halloween arrived early in Houston, although it wasn't hard candy the Rockets hauled in, but an even better treat: James Harden. Despite him helping guide the franchise to their first finals appearance ever this past June. Oklahoma City sent the reigning sixth man of the year to Houston Saturday night, just five days before the Thunder's season starts, after an agreement on a long-term contract couldn't be reached. Skilled scorer Kevin Martin, rookie Jeremy Lamb and three draft picks are the Reese's pieces that found their Milky way to OKC.

$4.5 million was supposedly the small sum between securing Harden for four years and shipping him off. While it would've been the maximum amount of money allowed, that's couch cushion change to teams. Why the Thunder acted hard up for cash in regards to Harden, when they re-signed Serge Ibaka to a 4-year, $48 million deal in August, is as strange as starting seafood shanty in cow capital Oklahoma City. NBA executives fear exceeding the salary cap like comedian Mike O'Malley fears not wearing a cap.

OKC wasn't willing to commit big bucks to a quartet of promising players (Durant, Westbrook, Ibaka and Harden), while Houston is untroubled being tied up with a trio of tyros (Lin, Asik and Harden). We'll see which salary strategy - spending or saving - is sound, but changing the chemistry of a chummy contender so close to the opener is an experiment we wouldn't have gone through with, like Anderson Cooper on daytime television. It should've been too hard for the Thunder to say goodbye to James Harden. GM Sam Presti, prepare to hear boos long after Oct. 31 is over. This is a trade that could come back to haunt the Thunder.

Hi-Yo Silver

In the future, the value of Silver will rise. Well, at least that of deputy commissioner Adam Silver, who was hand-picked as current commissioner David Stern's successor. Stern announced his intent to retire yesterday, effective February 1, 2014, which would mark the 30th anniversary of his tenure. Silver, Stern's kemosabe for 6 years and an NBA employee for 20 years, was approved unanimously by the league's owners. Stern has been grooming Silver like a labrador for when he heads out the door.

Silver is mostly known to fans as the man who earns artificial applause when he announces the second round of the NBA draft, simply for not being Stern*. Stern first stabilized, then strengthened the league, before spreading it across the seven seas. He polished up the league's image as much by punishing players, through drug testing, as by promoting them, which is what he did with the superstars who started their careers simultaneous to the him: Jordan, Barkley, Olajuwon.

Stern's legacy is largely laudable. He grew the game domestically and internationally - attracting alien TV audiences and athletes, creating Canadian clubs, adding seven franchises, founding a farm system in addition to a women's league, which is bad for business, but great for gender equality and goodwill. However, he did preside over four lockouts, let teams leave supportive cities Seattle and Charlotte (basketball has been brought back to the latter, barely), decreed a dress code with class and racial undertones and adjudicated which L.A. team was allowed to acquire Chris Paul last summer.

If the NBA truly is "where amazing happens," we're the first to admit a lot of that amazing happened under David Stern's three-decade reign. The stars made the sport fun, but Stern made it function. What can we say? We love this game! (and we're easily seduced by slogans)

*a contrarian crowd in New Jersey, who would've thought?

Forward Thinking

These days in the association, pure centers are almost as scarce as pure blood samples from Lance Armstrong, yet the league was continuing to put voters in the awkward position of picking players who fit the position, but not the production, expected of an All-Star. An overhauled ballot, which will be released on November 13, has corrected for this cutback in classic centers by allowing fans to choose three frontcourt players, so what they do on the floor is stressed, as opposed to where on the floor they do it and against whom. The NBA saying "take five" to the five spot will likely bring an end to the glory of any future Jamaal Magloires (woe Canada, we stand by on a guard for thee*). Sorry, but when Roy Hibbert was announced last season, we laughed like Dr. Hibbert.

*what we mean is, we'll still cast a vote for Steve Nash, so no hard feelings, eh?

A True 76er

Don Wiberg wanted to check making buckets against pro prospects off his bucket list, so he gave his hoop dreams* the old D-League try - emphasis on "old." The UC Santa Cruz professor is a septuagenarian, one who hadn't played hoops in 20 years when he attended an open audition on Sunday for the NBDL affiliate of the Golden State Warriors, which was accessible to anyone over 18 willing to pay the $100 entry fee. During team tryouts, cramps are common; gramps, less so.

The sum of Wiberg's experience higher than the Y was one year at Cal Tech (go beavers!) before switching to water polo. We assume someone explained the function of the futuristic shot clock to the 76-year-old. Wiberg recognizes he's not Jack LaLanne of the lane. "I can't say that I can run, jump or shoot, because I can't," said the self-effacing senior to the Santa Cruz Sentinel. It's ok, that never stopped Shawn Bradley from having a career.

*in black-and-white, like the TV of his youth.

Love Hurts

Kevin Love will miss at least the first month of the 2012-13 season after breaking his shooting hand during a pre-practice, personal workout. There's no word on what type of workout caused him to hurt his hand. Was he sparring with slabs of frozen meat, a la Rocky? If so, Kevin, don't use all your strength to strike said solid shank; next time, just give it a Love tap.


With less than two weeks until the Lakers open the regular season, Kobe Bryant has a lot on his plate, but he still went to bat for his buddy, Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees slugger has been in a slump and was benched due to poor play, but Kobe called to give him a pep talk, one world-class athlete to another. "I think sometimes he forgets he's the best. I don't," said Bryant, who's also taken some wild swings recently, albeit at long-gone Lakers*, not pitches.

The advice Kobe administered served as a real pick-me-up to A-Rod, in that it inspired him to pick up a woman in the stands. If you can't get a hit on the ball, Rodriguez reasoned, you can at least hit on an Australian bikini model using a ball. In the end, Kobe Kyna reached Rodriguez.

*the secret of Chris Mihm - he sucked - being much less fascinating than The Secret of NIMH.

A Very Special Sauce

A two decade's old condiment was money in the bank for Mort Bank. The North Dakotan, formerly a McDonald's franchise owner, sold a gallon of McJordan BBQ sauce, circa 1992, on eBay for nearly $10K to an unknown man from Chicago. The item was on the site for several months, but the auction turned - as the sauce surely did years ago - when Banks added the "buy it now" option, boosting the bidding to ten times the amount of the old offers. Bank isn't revealing the gent's identity, but clearly the buyer is richer than the dressing he just dealt for.

We don't need a name, what he want to know is: does the fast food foodie still have the 20-year-old corresponding sandwich that he's been saving to complete the meal with?* We doubt he'll be dunking regular McNuggets in it^. If anything, to get his $9,995 worth, he'll be dipping gold nuggets.

*that burger has to have some serious freezer burn by now.

^for the authentic Michael Jordan eating experience, you have to "dunk" with your tongue dangling down towards your chin.

For Kobe, "The Worst" is Over

We apologize for our unannounced absence. Would you believe we got completely caught up in the WNBA playoffs? You wouldn't? Would you believe we were working with Rockets rookie Royce White, who has a fear of flying, to solve transportation troubles? We suggested he ride in a Rolls Royce. You wouldn't, either? Would you believe we were busy ghostwriting a series of children's literature for Amar'e Stoudemire? You still wouldn't? You skeptical son of a bitch, smushing our fragile feelings like Kobe Bryant did to a certain former teammate, who he didn't throw under a bus so much as toss him beneath a fleet of tractor trailers. Well, at least it was generous of Kobe to grant Parker double the amount of time in the spotlight Andy Warhol would've allotted him. We think Kobe had less of a problem with Parker's 30 minutes of fame, than his 30 minutes a game. Parker says Bryant seldom spoke to him and brushed off bonding to be with bodyguards. Isolation is Bryant's preferred plan on and off the court. It's possible Kobe believes to figuratively separate himself from fellow players, he must literally separate himself from them.

Speaking of Amar'e, he rode a comedy carousel on the small screen that you might've missed. First, he appeared on The Daily Show, plugging his previously mentioned line of basketball books for kids (how he could title a story Double Team and omit Dennis Rodman is beyond us). Jon Stewart made sure to ask him the hard-hitting question of if the Knicks are going to be good this year, forcing Stoudemire to tell a little white lie to a little white man; although Stoudemire astutely avoided answering the follow-up of whether they'll be better than the Heat. Then, Stoudemire cameoed on The Mindy Project, where he discussed his favorite rom-com in a roundtable with Baron Davis and Danny Granger, and was accused of stealing a shawl(what, he didn't get any freebies from fashion week?). Lastly, he was mentioned in a joke on 30 Rock, where a character recommended that if a tourist had enough time, they should check out his private parts. We hope he keeps his, uh, mini-Madison Square Garden neatly trimmed.

*He said he needed them finished STAT.

BELLigerent

On paper, Raja Bell is a part of the Jazz, but in practice, he's not part of practice. The veteran guard is on Utah's active training camp roster, but the team has requested that he not report. Bell wasn't buying in to coach Tyrone Corbin during his first full year, remarking that their relationship has suffered "irreparable damage,"* but the team has yet to buy Bell out. Both sides have made it clear as a, ahem, Bell he won't be back^.

Ball don't lie, but Rasheed Wallace do. Reports are that Knicks have agreed to CTC (that's Cut The Check, in 'Sheed slang) for Wallace, who retired after the 2009-10 season, meaning he'll have more cobwebs on him than a haunted house. The 38-year-old Wallace adds to already aging assemblage of: Jason Kidd (39), Marcus Camby (38) and Kurt Thomas (39). This quartet is so old, we're dubbing them, "The Golden Guys," and have selected the squad's entrance song: "Thank You for Being a Season Ticket Holder Friend."

At 22-44, the Nets were a joke last season, as they've been for half a decade, but Deron Williams didn't find it funny that his teammates were tee-heeing, post-trouncing. "I think no matter who it is, if you were there every day and you saw what was going on in the locker room you'd be pissed off too sometimes. You're getting your asses kicked and then you're in the locker room laughing about the game afterwards," explained Williams, who found the yuking yucky. He'd rather his pals play their asses off, than laugh them off.


*Like that between Amanda Bynes and BMW.

^It's The Casual Vacancy nearly no one is interested in.