After the first day of postseason play, two significant albeit sporadic starters this season, Derrick Rose and Iman Schumpert, needed first aid. The Bulls and Knicks are in ACL Hell because both guards succumbed to excruciating knee injuries. Rose's came with a little over one minute remaining in the game and is controversial - was Rose really still on the floor, as his coach alleges, because the 76ers were making a run or was he trying to pad his stat line and finish with a triple-double (he was one rebound and one assist shy) - but also has consequences beyond the Bulls' playoff hopes.
Team USA basketball is now missing one-fourth of its preliminary roster that will compete at this year's summer Olympics in London. Rose has been added to the mounting list of casualties that includes Chauncey Billups, LaMarcus Aldridge, Lamar Odom and Dwight Howard. 20 don't get to go to the games; the lineup is whittled down to a dozen players, but the most recent two hurt, Howard and Rose, were expected to have prominent roles on the team. As much as we've railed against Rose - and we're not the only ones ripping him (we didn't know Nike was the Greek goddess of negativity) - it would be wrong to refute that he's a very good player (but not the wunderkind the media make him out to be), just as it would be wrong to pen a Poison parody entitled, "Every Rose Has Its Torn (ACL)."
In the short-term, the Bulls will be fine. As we stated in the playoff preview, Rose isn't necessary for Chicago to push past Philly and reaching the conference finals remains realistic. As for the Knicks, the Heat melted them like they were the T-1000, winning by 33 points, and that was with Schumpert, their best back court defender, out there until halfway through the third quarter. Carmelo, who finished 3-15, couldn't throw it in the Atlantic Ocean and if Anthony can't swish shots, the Heat will be saying, "Hasta la vista, baby-face."
*with emphasis on the "jerk"
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
West Side's Story
We feel four-tunate because the playoffs commence today with a quadruple-header. Here's what we see happening in the opening round of the Western Conference:
#1 Spurs vs. #8 Jazz: People slept on the well-rested Spurs almost all season, like Jeremy Lin slumbered on sibling's and ex-Stanford student's sofas, so it's fitting they're facing a team with two z's in its name, since this series will be a snooze. Wake us when it's over. We believe the Jazz will be rudely shown the door the way Uncle Phil did with Jazz on The Fresh Prince.
#2 Thunder vs. #7 Mavericks: This season, it's as if 2011 Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki has been gun-slinging using a pea shooter - averaging his lowest ppg since '99-00 - while three-time league leader in scoring Kevin Durant has been firing a bazooka. The Mav with the most intensity wearing a jersey is Mark Cuban.
#3 Lakers vs. #6 Nuggets: Class is now in Sessions, Ramon (0 playoff appearances). Participation is part of your final grade, Andrew Bynum (8.2 ppg in 21.6 mpg in 62 career postseason contests). Where's Metta World Peace? Oh, suspended by the principal. I should've guessed. Kobe, to pass the course, you must demonstrate a willingness to pass the ball, but if your teammates miss easy shots, we can turn this into an independent study.
#4 Clippers vs. #5 Grizzlies: Beware of a bear trap, Clippers. It might take Davy Crockett to dispatch this ursine unit. One squad dunks, the other defends (fifth-fewest points allowed), guess which wins in the playoffs?
#1 Spurs vs. #8 Jazz: People slept on the well-rested Spurs almost all season, like Jeremy Lin slumbered on sibling's and ex-Stanford student's sofas, so it's fitting they're facing a team with two z's in its name, since this series will be a snooze. Wake us when it's over. We believe the Jazz will be rudely shown the door the way Uncle Phil did with Jazz on The Fresh Prince.
#2 Thunder vs. #7 Mavericks: This season, it's as if 2011 Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki has been gun-slinging using a pea shooter - averaging his lowest ppg since '99-00 - while three-time league leader in scoring Kevin Durant has been firing a bazooka. The Mav with the most intensity wearing a jersey is Mark Cuban.
#3 Lakers vs. #6 Nuggets: Class is now in Sessions, Ramon (0 playoff appearances). Participation is part of your final grade, Andrew Bynum (8.2 ppg in 21.6 mpg in 62 career postseason contests). Where's Metta World Peace? Oh, suspended by the principal. I should've guessed. Kobe, to pass the course, you must demonstrate a willingness to pass the ball, but if your teammates miss easy shots, we can turn this into an independent study.
#4 Clippers vs. #5 Grizzlies: Beware of a bear trap, Clippers. It might take Davy Crockett to dispatch this ursine unit. One squad dunks, the other defends (fifth-fewest points allowed), guess which wins in the playoffs?
Friday, April 27, 2012
East Mode
Like the Bobcats - who, to honor/humiliate their owner, lost the same amount of games in a row as the notable number he wore during his playing days - we couldn't wait for the regular season to end, although in our case, it was because we had the playoffs to look forward to, which start Saturday. Here's our postseason preview of the first round of the Eastern Conference:
#1 Bulls vs. #8 76ers: I'm by no means a fan of U2 - in fact, I secretly want to smack the sunglasses off Bono's smug mug - but "With or Without You" should serve as the Bulls' soundtrack this season. Regardless of whether or not Derrick Rose is hurt, the Bulls are primed to put a hurting on the 76ers. Meanwhile, the sixers will be singing sorrowfully, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," which is a strong front court.
#2 Heat vs. #7 Knicks: Carmelo can't compete with LeBron in jersey sales - or, for that matter, teammate Jeremy Lin - and he can't out-duel him on the court, either. LeBron will take his talents to the Garden like a horticulturist.
#3 Pacers vs. #6 Magic: Just call them "lando" because without Dwight Howard, their 'O' is missing (actually, their 'd,' too, but referring to them as "lano" sounds silly). You could say they "back-ed" into the playoffs*, losing six of their last ten. David West will dominate for the most dangerous team in the East.
#4 Celtics vs. #5 Hawks: The Celtics are like X-Men, in that this is their last stand (Kevin Garnett, while he can't actually shoot lasers a la Cyclops, does possess a laser-like focus). Watch the Hawks' homecourt advantage (the Celtics won their division to earn the higher seed, but the Hawks finished with a better overall record, thus awarding them more meetings in Ted Turner's town, even though the Celtics triumphed 2-1 in the head-to-head series this season - confused yet?) disappear as easily as Nightcrawler does.
*Try not to laugh so hard that it causes a hernia.
#1 Bulls vs. #8 76ers: I'm by no means a fan of U2 - in fact, I secretly want to smack the sunglasses off Bono's smug mug - but "With or Without You" should serve as the Bulls' soundtrack this season. Regardless of whether or not Derrick Rose is hurt, the Bulls are primed to put a hurting on the 76ers. Meanwhile, the sixers will be singing sorrowfully, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," which is a strong front court.
#2 Heat vs. #7 Knicks: Carmelo can't compete with LeBron in jersey sales - or, for that matter, teammate Jeremy Lin - and he can't out-duel him on the court, either. LeBron will take his talents to the Garden like a horticulturist.
#3 Pacers vs. #6 Magic: Just call them "lando" because without Dwight Howard, their 'O' is missing (actually, their 'd,' too, but referring to them as "lano" sounds silly). You could say they "back-ed" into the playoffs*, losing six of their last ten. David West will dominate for the most dangerous team in the East.
#4 Celtics vs. #5 Hawks: The Celtics are like X-Men, in that this is their last stand (Kevin Garnett, while he can't actually shoot lasers a la Cyclops, does possess a laser-like focus). Watch the Hawks' homecourt advantage (the Celtics won their division to earn the higher seed, but the Hawks finished with a better overall record, thus awarding them more meetings in Ted Turner's town, even though the Celtics triumphed 2-1 in the head-to-head series this season - confused yet?) disappear as easily as Nightcrawler does.
*Try not to laugh so hard that it causes a hernia.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Child's Pay
No one can accuse Billy Hunter of not taking care of his kids. That's because he pays his three adult offspring handsomely out of the players' union's pockets: $4.8 million in the last 11 years (and that's without all records being available). We suppose his 2011 salary of $2.39 million isn't enough to provide for his progeny. One daughter works directly for the union (collecting nearly $83K annually), while another has been at two law firms, both of which were hired by the union when she was with them. His son runs an investment firm that earned a contract with the union worth $45K per month. And his wife's on the take, too - pulling in over $173K last year to be the nebulous "director of special events" - though she smartly didn't change her name, so the employee list looks a little less like a Hunter reunion. Extended family also benefits, as a daughter-in-law is part of the payroll. How did this noxious nepotism happen? Hunter, the union's executive director, has the power to appoint personnel as well as to determine salaries, so he's chosen to cut checks to his whole clan - minus any animals they own.
Although he's not paying pets, Hunter does want a lapdog. Derek Fisher, the players association president since 2006, wasn't willing to roll over. Fisher called for a business review and suddenly, executive committee members, who clearly didn't want their dubious dealings to be investigated, voted unanimously that Fisher should resign, which he's refusing to. What they're doing to Fisher is fishy. Fishy like the ocean, which is fitting because Fisher is making waves in their stagnant, sycophantic water. Their vote of no-confidence likely means they're confident and concerned he could expose other unethical activities via an external audit, revealing that all is not fine with the union's finances.
Billy Hunter certainly puts family first - far ahead of the players he's supposed to be looking out for, and at the players' expense. He's one Hunter who's after a different type of big bucks.
Although he's not paying pets, Hunter does want a lapdog. Derek Fisher, the players association president since 2006, wasn't willing to roll over. Fisher called for a business review and suddenly, executive committee members, who clearly didn't want their dubious dealings to be investigated, voted unanimously that Fisher should resign, which he's refusing to. What they're doing to Fisher is fishy. Fishy like the ocean, which is fitting because Fisher is making waves in their stagnant, sycophantic water. Their vote of no-confidence likely means they're confident and concerned he could expose other unethical activities via an external audit, revealing that all is not fine with the union's finances.
Billy Hunter certainly puts family first - far ahead of the players he's supposed to be looking out for, and at the players' expense. He's one Hunter who's after a different type of big bucks.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Exerting Linfluence
1. We have Lincentive to head to the nearest newsstand. Time magazine released its yearly list of the 100 "Most Influential People in the World." Jeremy Lin did double duty, not only earning the honor but also penning an entry about another athlete to achieve the accolade, Tim Tebow, adding another layer to the assessment of this age being "Tebow time." That should Lindoctrinate the unLinformed. Your move, Newsweek, show some Linitiative.
2. Dear Delonte West, you're only supposed to haze rookies on your own team. The expression for an inexperienced person is "wet behind the ears" not wet between the ears.
3. Both went heavy on the lettuce: Hornets head coach Monty Williams, offered this response, when asked if he'd spoken yet with new Hornets owner Tom Benson, "I bought a Subway sandwich today and he spent $300 million." At least one of them made a prudent purchase*.
4.Dwyane Wade's beau, Gabrielle Union, may be the hottest heckler ever. Her barbs are so brash - listen for the one she shouted at senior official Dick Bavetta - that she was asked not to sit courtside anymore. She also shared with Conan O'Brien that Wade hasn't seen many major movies from the 1980s. Well, we know what he has to do on his next Day Off.
5. Houston, we have a huge problem: Less than two weeks ago,the Rockets were in the sixth spot in the Western Conference, but since then they've plummeted to 10th place, losing seven of eight and on Sunday were officially eliminated from the playoff chase by a Miami team missing two-thirds of its "tres grande." Not even North Korean rockets fail that spectacularly.
*Assuming Williams took advantage of the April BOGO special.
2. Dear Delonte West, you're only supposed to haze rookies on your own team. The expression for an inexperienced person is "wet behind the ears" not wet between the ears.
3. Both went heavy on the lettuce: Hornets head coach Monty Williams, offered this response, when asked if he'd spoken yet with new Hornets owner Tom Benson, "I bought a Subway sandwich today and he spent $300 million." At least one of them made a prudent purchase*.
4.Dwyane Wade's beau, Gabrielle Union, may be the hottest heckler ever. Her barbs are so brash - listen for the one she shouted at senior official Dick Bavetta - that she was asked not to sit courtside anymore. She also shared with Conan O'Brien that Wade hasn't seen many major movies from the 1980s. Well, we know what he has to do on his next Day Off.
5. Houston, we have a huge problem: Less than two weeks ago,the Rockets were in the sixth spot in the Western Conference, but since then they've plummeted to 10th place, losing seven of eight and on Sunday were officially eliminated from the playoff chase by a Miami team missing two-thirds of its "tres grande." Not even North Korean rockets fail that spectacularly.
*Assuming Williams took advantage of the April BOGO special.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Think Big Easy
Tom Benson, owner of the New Orleans Saints - who in light of recent events should seek sponsorship with Bounty paper towels - has taken the Crescent City's NBA franchise off the league's meddling hands, purchasing the club for $338 million, proving in a place known for its po' boy, he's not one of them. However, he wants a new name for a fresh start, which means exterminating "Hornets," since that's a leftover from the team's time in Charlotte. Since the team was relocated a decade ago and spent two of those years in Oklahoma City, we doubt anyone will be mad as a Hornet about it. Benson already has the Orkin man on the phone. "We'd like to change it tomorrow," he told the Times-Picayune. Here are our suggestions for a sobriquet that reflects the Louisiana city:
New Orleans Beads
New Orleans Bourbon Street Binge Drinkers
New Orleans 9th Ward, with new coach Charlie Ward
New Orleans Fatty Mounds of Dough Not Named Glenn Davis
New Orleans French Fourth Quarter
New Orleans Who Dats - No, Seriously, Who the Hell Are These Players?
New Orleans Cash Money Records
New Orleans Benson, with new coach Robert Guillaume
New Orleans Levees
New Orleans Hurricanes
New Orleans Evacuees
New Orleans FEMA Failures
New Orleans Accidental Oilers*
Or the team could reclaim it's original name, which was absurdly appropriated and remind people that Utah isn't the epicenter of jazz (or much of anything, certainly not an African-American musical movement; Utah, accept your reputation for catering white folks' hobbies, such as skiing and film festivals).
*too soon on those final five?
New Orleans Beads
New Orleans Bourbon Street Binge Drinkers
New Orleans 9th Ward, with new coach Charlie Ward
New Orleans Fatty Mounds of Dough Not Named Glenn Davis
New Orleans French Fourth Quarter
New Orleans Who Dats - No, Seriously, Who the Hell Are These Players?
New Orleans Cash Money Records
New Orleans Benson, with new coach Robert Guillaume
New Orleans Levees
New Orleans Hurricanes
New Orleans Evacuees
New Orleans FEMA Failures
New Orleans Accidental Oilers*
Or the team could reclaim it's original name, which was absurdly appropriated and remind people that Utah isn't the epicenter of jazz (or much of anything, certainly not an African-American musical movement; Utah, accept your reputation for catering white folks' hobbies, such as skiing and film festivals).
*too soon on those final five?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Pop-ular Vote
Just because this blog will never win awards (unless "Least Read" is a category), doesn't mean we can't hand out accolades to others. Unlike the Chinese, we'll stop short of building a bronze statue for the honorees.
Coach of the Year: Gregg Popovich. The extra 'g' is for "great," which is what San Antonio has been under his guidance. He has the lockout figured out, winning the title last time there was one and quietly steering the Spurs to the second seed in the West. Selective sitting senior starters has been a Socratic - and successful - strategy.
Defensive Player: Dwight Howard. Serge Ibaka rocks the block, but no player changes more shots - or his mind - more than Dwight Howard. First in rebounds per game, third in rejections. Numbers don't lie, even if he does about not advocating for Stan Van to be canned.
6th Man: Lou Williams. It's a hard choice to deny James Harden, since his ppg is slightly higher than Williams, but no other player in the league leads his team in scoring while coming off the bench like Lou and, unlike Harden, he hasn't started a single game.
Most Improved: Nikola Pekovic. Jeremy Lin was positioned to win this in a Lin-dslide, but then a left knee injury ended his season early, so we penalized him for Lin-ping to the finish line. In his second season, Pekovic's minutes have doubled and he's responded by more than doubling his scoring (13.5) and rebounding averages (7.0). Bravo, man from Montenegro.
Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving. "Kyrie" means 'Lord' in Greek and he has fittingly been a God among mere mortals, whether it's other first-year players or his teammates. Now, he can use this honor to lord it over them.
MVP: Kobe Bryant. Last year's bestowal of it on Derrick Rose is what we'd call "Bulls-shit." The Adidas ads bragged that he was "fast" and he sure pulled a fast one on the voters. Like a pre-pubescent prince, Rose was crowned too early. Honestly, we almost gave up on the association, like Lamar Odom appears to have. While LeBron James is averaging career-highs in field goal percentage and rebounds, the Heat have cooled off considerably after the All-Star break. Rajon Rondo likely won't be mentioned, but we believe he should be in the discussion for responding to tiresome trade talks with triple-doubles. Chris Paul deserves a nod for ensuring the Clippers were worthy of the cover stories and commendation that came their way in the pre-season. Kevin Durant belongs among this consummate clique, but he has heaps of help (see: runners-up in the defensive player and 6th man categories) If there was backlash against LeBron for "The Decision" among voters, surely Dwight Howard will face some for the indecision he became synonymous with. That leaves Kobe Bryant. Saddled with a soft, strange team that sent away his steadying influence in Derek Fisher, Kobe scored enough to lead the league, while also showing he can be a sympathetic teammate. He's supported a shell-shocked Pau Gasol and a short-circuiting Andrew Bynum, not to mention brushing aside the bizarre Metta World Peace and the blunt Matt Barnes. The Lakers would be lost and much closer to last without him. He held his tongue when new coach Mike Brown benched him and Odom was dealt at a discount to the champs, so when the regular season ends in ten days, Kobe should be holding the MVP trophy.
Coach of the Year: Gregg Popovich. The extra 'g' is for "great," which is what San Antonio has been under his guidance. He has the lockout figured out, winning the title last time there was one and quietly steering the Spurs to the second seed in the West. Selective sitting senior starters has been a Socratic - and successful - strategy.
Defensive Player: Dwight Howard. Serge Ibaka rocks the block, but no player changes more shots - or his mind - more than Dwight Howard. First in rebounds per game, third in rejections. Numbers don't lie, even if he does about not advocating for Stan Van to be canned.
6th Man: Lou Williams. It's a hard choice to deny James Harden, since his ppg is slightly higher than Williams, but no other player in the league leads his team in scoring while coming off the bench like Lou and, unlike Harden, he hasn't started a single game.
Most Improved: Nikola Pekovic. Jeremy Lin was positioned to win this in a Lin-dslide, but then a left knee injury ended his season early, so we penalized him for Lin-ping to the finish line. In his second season, Pekovic's minutes have doubled and he's responded by more than doubling his scoring (13.5) and rebounding averages (7.0). Bravo, man from Montenegro.
Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving. "Kyrie" means 'Lord' in Greek and he has fittingly been a God among mere mortals, whether it's other first-year players or his teammates. Now, he can use this honor to lord it over them.
MVP: Kobe Bryant. Last year's bestowal of it on Derrick Rose is what we'd call "Bulls-shit." The Adidas ads bragged that he was "fast" and he sure pulled a fast one on the voters. Like a pre-pubescent prince, Rose was crowned too early. Honestly, we almost gave up on the association, like Lamar Odom appears to have. While LeBron James is averaging career-highs in field goal percentage and rebounds, the Heat have cooled off considerably after the All-Star break. Rajon Rondo likely won't be mentioned, but we believe he should be in the discussion for responding to tiresome trade talks with triple-doubles. Chris Paul deserves a nod for ensuring the Clippers were worthy of the cover stories and commendation that came their way in the pre-season. Kevin Durant belongs among this consummate clique, but he has heaps of help (see: runners-up in the defensive player and 6th man categories) If there was backlash against LeBron for "The Decision" among voters, surely Dwight Howard will face some for the indecision he became synonymous with. That leaves Kobe Bryant. Saddled with a soft, strange team that sent away his steadying influence in Derek Fisher, Kobe scored enough to lead the league, while also showing he can be a sympathetic teammate. He's supported a shell-shocked Pau Gasol and a short-circuiting Andrew Bynum, not to mention brushing aside the bizarre Metta World Peace and the blunt Matt Barnes. The Lakers would be lost and much closer to last without him. He held his tongue when new coach Mike Brown benched him and Odom was dealt at a discount to the champs, so when the regular season ends in ten days, Kobe should be holding the MVP trophy.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
First Take on Me (an a-ha Moment)
While reigning MVP (and our uncontested MOP, Most Overrated Player, see: Bulls record sans Rose) Derrick Rose sat out his 24th game of the season, another Rose - Jalen - was making an impact by exposing talking airhead Skip "Clueless" Bayless' exaggerations of his high school playing career. In Bayless' senior season, he averaged 1.4 points-per-game, which, in fairness, is more points than he averages while blathering on the 2-hour program First Take, a show so bad we wish they'd use as many takes as necessary to make it watchable. Usually a cantankerous contrarian, Bayless didn't dispute the stat, probably because he didn't know how to react to a fact, since those have no place in his world of shallow and spurious opinions. We believe Bayless' purpose on ESPN is to make the ignorant feel intelligent, that he acts as an antithesis to all the experts (this is likely why he only surfaces on ESPN's secondary network), so fans can take comfort in the notion that they at least know more about sports than that guy. Bayless deserves to be slammed as hard as Blake Griffin dunks a basketball, but since ESPN is owned by Disney - protectors and providers of happy endings no matter how phony - we expect a heavy-handed, "harmonious" make-up between the two to take place. The Mickey Mouse company doesn't like it when its employees rat each other out.
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