Sold Milwaukee

As a billionaire, Mark Cuban might not know the value of a buck, but he definitely doesn't know the value of the Bucks. He called them a "bargain" and "cheap" at $550 million, after a sale was agreed to on Wednesday, so we doubt he shops at the dollar store (and old owner Herb Kohl probably doesn't patronize Kohl's). That averages out to $36.6 million per win this season. Forbes estimated the franchise's worth at $405 million in January, which is $145 mill. less than the purchase price, meaning bargain hunting and buck hunting aren't one in the same. Maybe Cuban has been smoking some of Larry Sanders' stash.

In other major mischaracterizations, Klay Thompson compared Blake Griffin to "a bull in a china shop." That's a bunch of bull, although courtesy of that comment, the series between the Warrior sand Clippers is shaping up to be a pottery barn-burner. Griffin can clear a Ford Taurus (or its Korean equivalent), but that doesn't make him a taurus. He's closer to a cheetah: swift, strong and in complete control of his body. The only plates Griffin is in danger of damaging when he plays are techtonic.

Four Loco

L.A. can contain crazy things better than any other city in the country (see: scientology, Gary Busey). Now it must brace for a bizarre basketball imbalance. On Sunday, the two Los Angeles squads squared off for the fourth time this season and for the first time since the team set up shop in L.A., the Clippers swept the Lakers off their shared floor. With the win, which was a franchise-best 51st, the Clippers clinched the Pacific division title, a feat they had yet to accomplish. Before, the only banner at Clippers games was sung, not hung (it was star-spangled). The victory put the Clippers 11 games in front of their long-term tormentors, who through the years have cast a shadow over them more often than Tim Burton has cast Johnny Depp*.

The red-headed step-child is doing it thanks to a red-headed, step-over-you-to-slam, does-commercials-where-he-communicates-with-himself-as-a-child: Blake Griffin. And the reversal of fortune couldn't have happened without the reversal of the trade of Chris Paul, the gold standard of point guards, who was on his way to the purple and gold two years ago, before his Buss route was suspended by the commissioner. The natural-born leader and the natural-born leaper showed there's a second shakeup in L.A. that doesn't involve late-night comedians, as Paul produced 24 points and 12 assists, while Griffin posted 24 points and 12 rebounds. "It means that we're headed in the right direction, but there was no cake, no champagne popping or anything like that in the locker room," the composed Paul commented. Despite the dearth of Dom Perignon and desserts, the Clippers are getting their just deserts - while sticking a dessert fork in the Lakers - and that has to be sweet.

*those were Dark Shadows, to be sure.

He's a Bad Mammal Jammer

On Sunday night, Brandon Knight was knighted Sir Slammed-On, a dispiriting distinction, by rim-rocking royal, DeAndre Jordan. Knight, whose ego was badly bruised by the body-buckling ballhandling of Kyrie Irving over All-Star weekend, now has a fresh contusion to his confidence to care for. Knight ostensibly tried to draw a charge, since at eight inches shorter than Jordan, he stood no chance of blocking the ball. Thus, one man's alley-oop became another man's alley-oops. Look on the bright side, Brandon: you're probably the only Piston who'll be put on a poster this year. Jordan's not even the most dynamic dunker on his own team, but the crowd and his Clippers co-horts went crazy, with Blake Griffin, the Duke of Dunking, decreeing it the best of year and the best he's seen live, which is high praise from such a high flier.

However, there's another west coast wonder who bounds towards the basket better than Jordan and Griffin: Eddie. Eddie is a 15-year-old sea otter at the Oregon Zoo who can slam dunk. The vet staff discovered that Eddie had arthritis in his elbows, so to exercise his joints, Eddie was taught to a put small ball through a plastic hoop (notice the Trailblazers sticker on the backboard), a trick he learned within a week. Sadly, Eddie won't be showing off his skills to spectators, since the training is therapeutic, not theatrical.

Eddie may not hop as high as Jordan and Griffin (although he does practice proper technique, finishing with both paws on the rim, and is persistent, rebounding his misses), but he's otterly adorable when he does. We think he blows them both out of the water.

A Tough Blake

In terms of injuries, the 2012 men's Olympic team is snake-bitten, figuratively, but we wouldn't be surprised if it literally became true; if a cobra chomped on Carmelo and caused him to miss the competition. That's because Blake Griffin became the seventh star to suffer a setback that will prevent him from playing in London. Griffin tore the medial meniscus in his left knee (we're not a physician, we just pretend to be one on this blog) and will miss eight weeks. Griffin didn't even have the chance to face international competition, as the happened before last night's first exhibition game. This means the closest Griffin got to gold was the Gold Bond powder in the trainer's room.

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the inaugural and incomparable Dream Team, so players of this incarnation were asked the "who would win" question. Kobe benignly backed this bunch, as if there was any other way to answer. That exasperated their elders. Scottie Pippen posited that the '92 crew would've mauled the modern one by a margin of 25 points, while Michael Jordan's reaction was reproachful: "For him to compare those two teams is not one of the smarter things he ever could have done." And MJ knows about doing dumb things, like taking time off at the peak of his career to pursue baseball or not hiring Hall of Fame coach Jerry Sloan this summer or even fellow Dream Teamer Patrick Ewing (he instead went with a college assistant coach, Mike Dunlap; honestly, a Dunlap tire would've been a better choice).

That's Adoraball

Jason Kidd is no longer involved in postseason play, but we've found another kid adept at delivering an accurate - and amusing - assist. Chris Paul's two-year-old son, when prompted, helped his pop in Saturday's postgame press conference, by posing with the piercing look Blake Griffin gives when he's silently signaling for the ball.

We're relieved Griffin saves that scary stare for snagging passes and spares us when peddling Kias because it would freak us out while we were folding linens (let's just say those sheets would be soiled).

First Take on Me (an a-ha Moment)

While reigning MVP (and our uncontested MOP, Most Overrated Player, see: Bulls record sans Rose) Derrick Rose sat out his 24th game of the season, another Rose - Jalen - was making an impact by exposing talking airhead Skip "Clueless" Bayless' exaggerations of his high school playing career. In Bayless' senior season, he averaged 1.4 points-per-game, which, in fairness, is more points than he averages while blathering on the 2-hour program First Take, a show so bad we wish they'd use as many takes as necessary to make it watchable. Usually a cantankerous contrarian, Bayless didn't dispute the stat, probably because he didn't know how to react to a fact, since those have no place in his world of shallow and spurious opinions. We believe Bayless' purpose on ESPN is to make the ignorant feel intelligent, that he acts as an antithesis to all the experts (this is likely why he only surfaces on ESPN's secondary network), so fans can take comfort in the notion that they at least know more about sports than that guy. Bayless deserves to be slammed as hard as Blake Griffin dunks a basketball, but since ESPN is owned by Disney - protectors and providers of happy endings no matter how phony - we expect a heavy-handed, "harmonious" make-up between the two to take place. The Mickey Mouse company doesn't like it when its employees rat each other out.

Few Min for Lin

If you saw the celebrity game, which kicks off All-Star weekend, and expected to see stars, you feel cheated (ironically, Common is one of the more famous folks). If you took in the Rising Stars game that followed on Friday night, you feel similarly swindled. Jeremy Lin played under 9 minutes, which was less than any of the other 18 rookies and sophomores who participated. Blake Griffin played a tick over 10.5, meaning the two most popular players people were tuning in to watch spent the least amount of time on the floor, which floored us. At least Griffin gets to showcase his skills in the All-Star game as well, so resting him was somewhat reasonable - although it's not as if there's any expectations on defense during these exhibitions - but there is no acceptable explanation for making an exception by including Lin late and then burying him on the bench. He did hoist a lovely lob to Griffin early on; who knew that would be his only highlight of the night? If this is Lin's 15 minutes of fame, we want him to at least be granted 15 minutes of playing time.

The All-Star game will be on at the same time as the 84th Academy Awards. We know those audiences likely don't have much overlap, but moving the game back to the late afternoon when it used to be broadcast (and on a national network, instead of cable where far fewer eyeballs will gaze at it) would've eliminated the conflict, thus not forcing viewers to choose between Moneyball and basketball. For us, it's no contest; the only Oscar we're familiar with is Robertson (well, and the Grouch).

Waiting for an Linvitation

There is a glaring omission from Rising Stars Challenge (formerly known as the Rookie-Sophomore game) on February 24, which pits first and second-year players against each other: Five-game phenom Jeremy Lin. He's an overnight sensation, but he can not - and should not - be overlooked, when the NBA's best convene in Orlando in 11 days. The league must find a way to Linclude him.

Celebrity coaches Shaq and Charles Barkley, never shy about sharing their opinions, need to lobby on Lin's behalf. As does his Knicks teammate and participant (and study buddy) Landry Fields. No one will tune in to see Tiago Splitter or Gordon Hayward, to name two of the second-year players selected, but fans would watch to see Lin square off against John Wall again or Ricky Rubio for a second time or take on rookie of the year front-runner Kyrie Irving. What fan wouldn't be excited by the prospect of Lin lobbing to Blake Griffin? And with Griffin wavering on whether he'll defend his dunk title, the NBA could use another player people passionately pay attention to.

Lin doesn't just prompt fans to rise from their seats, he fills seats, too. He helped sell out a T-Wolves game on the road, giving Minnesota its largest crowd since 2004, so the stands in Orlando would likely be at capacity for a secondary contest. Lin has scored more points in his first four starts than an player since the NBA-ABA merger in 1976. The league must find a way to Lincorporate him in the All-Star Weekend festivities. We don't want to see him on camera, we want to see him on the court If it's asking too much to place him in a game in which the participants have already been determined, at least Linsert him into the Skills Challenge competition. Maybe we've gone Linsane in the membrane, but we'd watch him criss-cross dribble through cones and bounce pass into buckets and be curious to compare how well he does it with Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook.

Adding Lin doesn't even have to come at the expense of removing another player from the Rising Stars roster; make an exception for a player who lately has been as exceptional as anyone in the league. David Stern, extend an invite, we Linsist.

Bored Games

Even though we're more excited for the return of the NBA than LeBron is to win free fries in the McDonald's Monopoly game*, there is a downside to the lockout ending. Kevin Love and Blake Griffin must cease their intense Jenga matches. They'll have to settle for putting up bricks on the court when training camps open on December 9. Sorry! guys, but it's time to resume sinking shots instead of battleships.

To the players who went abroad: Trouble has been thwarted, so get a Clue, come back from the far corners of the Earth and stop putting yourself at Risk of injury. Love and Griffin aren't the only NBA stars engaged in a Trivial Pursuit. We gather that, based on his background, Pau Gasol is tough to beat in Operation.

And Glen Davis, leave knitting and popsicle stick projects to the very old and very young, respectively.

*You'd think a man whose nickname is "King James" would endorse a certain burger chain with a more regal theme.

A Lucky Blake

The NBA now stands for the National Blake Association. Clippers rookie and routine rim rougher-upper Blake Griffin was named as a reserve for the All-Star team, so he will now be featured in three of the festivities five events: the slam dunk contest, the rookie-sophomore game and the All-Star game. The contestants for the three-point contest haven't been announced yet, so he could be in that, too. Why not include him in the Taco Bell skills challenge so he can have the whole enchilada, figuratively and literally.

Just like Taco Bell, my beef with Griffin is mostly fake. He produces at least one highlight per night. He attacks the rack like a young Shaq.* He's well on his way to being as popular among males age 18-35 as Peter Griffin. He's indisputably the best rookie and an electrifying player who fans want to see throw down in an exhibition where slams, not shots, are the norm. But Griffin already gets that chance twice over the weekend, is three times really the charm? And will he have anything left in his bag of tricks to wow the crowd with by Sunday?

Griffin's inclusion means a few worthy players were left to eat a cold snub sandwich, notably: Monta Ellis, Tony Parker and Steve Nash. Ellis is sixth in the league in scoring. The only other player in the top ten in points per game not selected to the squad is Griffin's teammate, Eric Gordon. If you hold the Warriors and Suns records against Ellis and Nash, then you must also do so for Griffin (the Clippers have fewer wins than both those teams and less than half the amount of the Spurs) along with injury replacement and double-double dynamo Kevin Love^. Leading the league in rebounds is grounds for making the All-NBA team at the end of the year, not necessarily the All-Star team. Watching Love box out isn't exactly entertaining. As for Nash, how do you omit a man who drops more dimes than a clumsy coin collector? All-Star games are all about the alley-oop, but there can be no oop without the alley created by an on-point pass. Not to mention that Nash's numbers are on par with those of his career and he's doing it minus Amar'e (16.7 ppg and 11 apg, compared to 16.5 ppg and 11 apg last season).

Boston bias reared its ugly head with four Celtics picked. We're talking Marquis Daniels-level ugly. We don't want to hear the weak argument that Boston has the best record in the East, therefore they've earned as many participants as there are leaves on a shamrock. Raymond Felton and Andrew Bogut should file police reports with David Stern because they were robbed. There were zero first-time selections in the East. The Spurs hold the best record overall, yet have only two representatives. Even in the loaded West, logic dictates the 42-8 club be rewarded. San Antonio should have (Ala)mo players. Put Parker on in place of Griffin and swap Russell Westbrook for Nash, who could be in the twilight of his career.

Let the rookie sit in the stands and watch a winner -- of three championships, plus a Finals MVP -- Parker, take the court. At least for this year. The experience will only Blake him stronger.

*And we rap like a young Shaq. We look forward to collaborating with Fu-Schnickens.
^Yao Ming making the initial cut is proof that a nation of a billion people can be wrong and even more blindly patriotic than America. Are the Chinese even Taipeing attention? How did he amass that many votes? Does the government hand out All-Star ballots?