The Butler Did It

No Rose, no Noah, no problem. The Bulls, who at times resembled the Bears, the way they twice tackled LeBron James, in their extinguishing of the Heat's red-hot roll, six short of the all-time record. However, it wasn't a 3-4 defense, rather a 3-forward offense that got the job done. Jimmy Butler (17 points, 1 stirring slam over Chris Bosh), Carlos Boozer (21 points, 17 rebounds) and Luol Deng (28 points) came up big against the big three. "Wow" was back in the lineup after missing two games, but the wow factor came from those playing for - and in front of - his home city.

Miami had a low number of turnovers (13, five fewer than the Bulls) and a high number of blocks (12), so something was lost in translation for "El Heat*," as they're known during Hispanic Heritage month in The Association, because those stats would suggest a favorable result.

The 1971-72 Lakers can breath a sigh of relief, their streak is safe, although those players have been gracious, not grudging. The same can't be said of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who are known these days for pettiness as much as perfection. No less than the logo, Jerry West, feels the Heat lit an eternal flame, "People will talk about this forever." You can't win them all, but for February and most of March, the Heat did and it sure seemed like they could continue to do so. Yes, the streak is gone, but it also lives on.

*Spanglish, one of the romance-y languages

Basketball (on the) 101

Caution: objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Except if you're the Lakers and that object is the playoffs. On Monday, the Warriors mostly cruised in a win over the Lakers - they were ahead by 25 in the third quarter - but Dwight Howard believes David Lee was cruising for a bruising. Howard was struck by a Lee elbow in the second quarter and although his lip required three stitches, it didn't halt Howard from running his mouth during the game - he received a technical on the play - or after. "I will remember that shot. I will take care of it later," Howard vowed. Pump the brakes, Tony Stewart, this isn't NASCAR, even thought this year's Lakers are the most overrated and undeserving of attention entity in sports outside of Danica Patrick.

Howard declined to take the high road and so did Golden State coach Mark Jackson. "We are the better basketball team. They are in the rear-view and I have not checked it and I will not," Jackson asserted. We know exactly what Jackson's driving at (or should we say away from?). The Lakers, only one game in front of the Jazz for the final place in the playoffs, need to find another gear and fast.

What a Day(ton)

On Monday, there was an upset, but this shocker wasn't delivered by Wichita State. It came courtesy of a gulf coast team, although it wasn't Florida Gulf Coast*. The deficient New Orleans Hornets, third worst in the West, deleted Denver's distinguished 15-game winning streak, thanks to an unheard-of rookie from a small school who had an unheard-of night. Due to injury, the host Hornets took a flier on former Dayton Flyer Brian Roberts, a 27-year-old first-year player. It served them well, as he served the ball to teammates in a 24-point teardown of a team that was on a terrific tear. Like a lot of teams this time of year, the Nuggets won't know how sweet sixteen would've been.

Making just his second start as a pro, Roberts provided 18 assists - a figure four more than the Nuggets team total - plus, pitched in 13 points on 50% shooting in 41 minutes of action. "It's crazy to fathom," Roberts confessed about his assists, especially since he never tallied even ten during his collegiate career. Maybe there's more than one league that experiences March Madness. Many unexpected things come to pass on the court this month; last night, Brian Roberts was one of them (literally). By the way, Miami and their 27 straight victories head to New Orleans on Friday. Despite the Heat holding two more triumphs consecutively than the Hornets have overall, that encounter isn't looking like a (big) easy win anymore.

*We "explored" including LaSalle somehow.

In the (School) Zone

Adrian Dantley was an old school player for 15 seasons in The Association. Now, he's an elementary and middle school crossing guard in Maryland. The former forward/guard keeps kids moving forward and guards them from motorists. As a career 24.3 ppg scorer, Dantley knew how to navigate through traffic. Today, he helps children do so safely. "I think it’s more dangerous out here than me playing one-on-one or me taking a hard foul from an NBA player," Dantley said. We're not sure that's Acura-te.

Dantley told CNN he took the public service position, which is only one hour of work a week, because he was bored and for the benefits, claiming he paid $17,000 last year for health insurance*. In a way, Dantley, who was an assistant coach in the league with Denver until 2010, is like an NBA referee - he lets everyone walk.

*This could prompt Karl Malone to consider becoming an actual mailman.

The Cleveland Show

The clock was ticking down and his team was down big, 27 points in the third quarter. LeBron James had to channel his inner Jack Bauer and rescue his crew on Wednesday night in order to extend the Heat's consecutive victories streak to 24*. Like Bauer, James methodically more than maliciously tied up his foe and beat them. Make no mistake, it was torturous for Cleveland, already in agony over the absence of the affirmed-out or assumed-out for the season Anderson Varejao, Kyrie Irving and Dion Waters. Thus, the protagonist in Miami remained the antagonist in Cleveland. They thought he had already taken everything. They were wrong. As of 2010, their hometown hero didn't belong to them. As of 2013, their own team's double-digit lead didn't belong to them. Suddenly, it dawned on them (with the exception of Dan Gilbert) that they didn't own LeBron, he owned them.

The start of the game was delayed 35 minutes due to faulty scoreboard. At the conclusion of the contest, the Cavaliers must've thought it was still malfunctioning because in less than nine minutes of game time, LeBron erased Cleveland's lead like he was working on a chalk board. Not even a fan rushing the court - an ignoramus interruptus - could cease James' concentration in the fourth quater, as he compiled 14 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals to tally a triple-double of 25-12-10.

"This was one of the most bizarre, unique days of my life," James reflected. Funny, the crowd in Cleveland feels the same. In fact, this is the second one they've been through. With apologies to Robert Frost, LeBron has championship promises to keep, while the Cavs have C.J. Miles, who missed a three to tie at the end, to go before they sleep.

*Admit it, you hear the "beep, beep, beeeeeeep" sound effect in your head.

They (Nug)Get Results

On the eve of the first day of spring, Andre Miller showed he still has some Colorado spring(s) in his step. Miller marked his 37th birthday and the new season by scoring a season-high 20 points in a mere 23 minutes, including 13 in the fourth, to extend the newsworthy Nuggets winning streak to 13 games. Andre Miller navigated the court like Bode Miller does a slope, grabbing 7 rebounds and also handing out 9 assists while handing Oklahoma City, owners of the third-best record in the Association, just its fifth home loss, but third overall to the Nuggets. The game was a piece of cake for Miller.

Denver, perhaps due to snow blindness or sand bias (the second term we totally made up), has been buried beneath the avalanche of attention allocated to Miami, where warm weather and warm feelings are widespread. Certainly, the Heat are on a renowned run, however no team may run better than the nimble Nuggets, who dash and dunk like they're the less celebrated cousin of the Clippers, which is why we're designating Denver "(ski)Lift City."

Like Picasso, the Nuggets are naturals in the paint, leading the league in the highest percentage of points derived from down low, outscoring opponents on the inside in an outstanding 50 consecutive games. That's why the thin air team is in the thick of things in the Western Conference, winning without a preeminent player*, defeating foes using Kosta Koufos. Lacking a big shot, the only question is: Who will take the big shot when the outcome is on the line? Denver is missing the alpha male it had during its Carmelo Anthony days, but the team may be better off with a bunch of betas maximizing their talent. Even in the age of Blu-Ray, we could envision this "Betamax" strategy succeeding in the NBA.

*although JaVale McGee is the singular star of Shaqtin' a Fool, assembling a blooper reel longer than his wingspan.

How to Monta Comeback

On Sunday, Monta Ellis performed as if he was playing an old-school arcade machine because he inserted a quarter in the fourth quarter. Ellis earned the game's high score, racking up 39 points and went on a Rampage (or went Berzerk, if you want a more obscure reference), during the last level, finishing with 19 in the remaining 6:32. Facing a Time Crisis, since his team was trailing by 13 entering the final 12 minutes, Ellis dug the Bucks out of a hole like he was Mr. Do!.

Neither he nor the Bucks were clowning around, posting 45 points over the course of the fourth, to leap-frog(ger) Orlando. Perhaps the Pac-Man cherry on top for Ellis was hitting a quintet of threes in the clutch. Ellis was so exceptional, nary a Defender could contain him*. That's how you 1-up the competition^.

*The Magic could only curse their misfortune, a la Q*bert.

^Tapper, slide that man a root beer, he deserves a drink.

Heat's New Flame

Erik Spoelstra had a hot date to a recent charity event, who happens to be a former dancer for the team he coaches. Although the fresh-faced Filipino-American Spoelstra is among the youngest at his position in the league, the damsel draped on his arm is the inverse of his age. Nikki Sapp isn't a sapling, but there are about as many rings on her tree trunk as Spoelstra has on his fingers. However, there's no reason to dance around the subject, since Sapp stopped shimmying before Spoelstra took over in 2008.

Sapp's website lists her current occupation as "Art Gallerista Extraordinaire," which might explain why the secretive Spoelstra was drawn to her, although details remain sketchy. We don't know if Spoelstra cares about the work of Basquiat as much as he does the work of Battier*, but we can't brush off that sweetheart Sapp might be Spoelstra's source of inspiration in supervising Heat's superb 20-game winning streak. Miami's needs to string together four more victories to equal Sapp's age. We'd Bank(sy) on the Heat that exceeding that number.

*do champs have time for Duchamp?

Dahntay's Inferno

Kobe Bryant would probably place Dahntay Jones in Dante Alighieri's ninth circle of Hell: Treachery. Bryant, who suffered a severe left ankle sprain falling on Jones' foot while taking a potential game-tying jumper Wednesday night, stopped short of accusing Jones of intentionally injuring him, but did declare the play "dangerous" and took a trip down unpleasant memory lane, comparing it to a play 13 years ago in which Jalen Rose undercut him during the finals. Rose fessed up to the foul on an ESPN podcast a few months back, but that hasn't led to a rosy relationship between the two.

Jones took to Twitter - where Bryant revealed his recovery regimen, which included a triple-feature of movie-viewing - to defend his character in 140 or fewer character, typing "Tape doesn't lie." True, but tape doesn't tell the truth, either. Reviewing the replay, results are inconclusive. Kobe kicked his leg out to initiate contact, but while he was in the air, Jones also advanced into Bryant's space, giving him nowhere to land. Therefore, we're not going to damn the defender to burn for eternity* - although Jones certainly wouldn't be the first Duke Blue Devil to encounter the devil.

Perhaps the new pope can settle this. Or the previous pope, we assume he still has a way to get ahold of God (the Almighty has his own social network site, I Created Your Facebook), the ultimate witness and "Supreme Server" (he stores everything in the cloud). Right now, Bryant, who is listed as out indefinitely, is stuck in the underworld's first circle: Limbo.

*or even force him to watch a commercial for Calvin Klein's Eternity.

Work (Dis)Like Magic

For one night, Dwight Howard was a master illusionist, with a beguiling boxscore Burt Wonderstone couldn't conjure^. Howard saved some of his magic for his old team during his first return to Orlando, scoring a season-high 39 points in a win. Historically, Howard can't hack it at the line, so the Magic opted to hack him^, employing a tactic most foul, but he exclaimed "presto change-o" to his free throw woes: sinking 25 of his league record-tying 39 tries and shooting 64% from the stripe, an increase of 15% above his average this year. After the first half Howard had, notching 19 and 10, over-matched Orlando should've switched to the saw him in half strategy.

Howard pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but this wasn't some humdrum hare, it was Bugs Bunny in Space Jam. Motivated, maybe by the masterpiece of a movie mentioned, he played as if the planet's safety was at stake. Like the cartoon character, Howard was animated, chatting with the cross crowd, who blame him for staging the longest vanishing act in all of sports.

Now, for Howard's next trick: solidifying the Lakers, winners of four straight and eight of ten, spot in the playoffs. To pull it off, he'll need to concede that he's actually Kobe Bryant's lovely assistant, the Teller to Kobe's Penn. For Howard to believed their roles are reversed would be magical thinking.

^which is a film we expect to disappear from theatres in no time.
*it's fitting that these largely unknown Magic players became hackers, since they amount to an Anonymous collective.

He's a Bad Mammal Jammer

On Sunday night, Brandon Knight was knighted Sir Slammed-On, a dispiriting distinction, by rim-rocking royal, DeAndre Jordan. Knight, whose ego was badly bruised by the body-buckling ballhandling of Kyrie Irving over All-Star weekend, now has a fresh contusion to his confidence to care for. Knight ostensibly tried to draw a charge, since at eight inches shorter than Jordan, he stood no chance of blocking the ball. Thus, one man's alley-oop became another man's alley-oops. Look on the bright side, Brandon: you're probably the only Piston who'll be put on a poster this year. Jordan's not even the most dynamic dunker on his own team, but the crowd and his Clippers co-horts went crazy, with Blake Griffin, the Duke of Dunking, decreeing it the best of year and the best he's seen live, which is high praise from such a high flier.

However, there's another west coast wonder who bounds towards the basket better than Jordan and Griffin: Eddie. Eddie is a 15-year-old sea otter at the Oregon Zoo who can slam dunk. The vet staff discovered that Eddie had arthritis in his elbows, so to exercise his joints, Eddie was taught to a put small ball through a plastic hoop (notice the Trailblazers sticker on the backboard), a trick he learned within a week. Sadly, Eddie won't be showing off his skills to spectators, since the training is therapeutic, not theatrical.

Eddie may not hop as high as Jordan and Griffin (although he does practice proper technique, finishing with both paws on the rim, and is persistent, rebounding his misses), but he's otterly adorable when he does. We think he blows them both out of the water.

Opening a Can of the Worm

Dennis Rodman has held a plurality of positions: player, provacateur, peroxide blonde, paramour of peroxide blondes, but a diplomat? That's Kim Jong Un-believable. Rodman returned from his trip to the closed-off country believing that basketball could break the barriers of belligerence that have built up naturally over a half-century of hatred and threats of nuclear strikes from both sides. The star of 1999's Simon Sez says Jong Un, who assumed control in 2011, is an "awesome guy" who wishes the President would pick up the phone; "He wants Obama to do one thing, call him," Rodman reported. Even if it's collect, the young leader is willing to accept the charges.

Rodman talked about his travels on Sunday show This Week with a boy wearing a grown-up's suit, who we're told is George Stephanopolous, proceeded to enrich him politically as thoroughly as the North Koreans enrich uranium chemically. We surmise Stephanopolous had been storing up hard-hitting questions that he's banned from asking on Good Morning America like North Korea stockpiles weapons they're banned from possessing. Rodman wasn't prepped for the peppering and kept stammering, "Guess what?" Well, guess what, Dennis? Today, North Korea threatened a "preemptive nuclear attack," so your second sojourn to see your Pyongyang pal will have to be on the sooner side. This time, take Metta World Peace with you.

He Rests His Case

In 2012, Lamar Odom sleepwalked through a stint with the Mavericks. This year, he's just sleeping - and doing it in a different court. On Tuesday in a Manhattan hall of justice, Mr. Khloe Kardashian was spotted slumbering as attorneys attempted to reach an agreement over the care of the two children he has with his high school sweetheart, who is also a reality-TV spotlight-seeker (we guess Odom has a type).

The cause of the catnap, much like the matter's outcome*, has yet to be determined. Odom can't be tired from his time on the court because he's playing 20.5 minutes-per-game, which matches a career-low from last season. Nor should he be spent from scoring, since he's averaging just 4.1 points, his lowest amount as a pro. An officer reportedly awoke Odom and asked him to sit up. Clearly, Odom isn't losing sleep over the domestic dispute, but the former Sixth Man of the Year should've sensed this wasn't a suitable setting for shuteye. Apparently, Odom isn't familiar with the old judicial expression, "You snooze you lose - custody."

*or Odom's candy cravings

FlashForward

Dwyane Wade's old nickname could be gone in a flash. Wade, ironically running away as fast as he can from his superhero sobriquet, wants to be known by the acronym "WOW," which stands for 'Way of Wade,' disappointing gaming geeks who hoped Wade would join their World of Warcraft guilds on virgin voyages*. Wake up, Wade's not interested in leveling up. To him, RPG means rebounds per game. The only warriors he's facing are the Golden State variety. And he's already on a noble quest: pursuing a third championship.

Like glued-on glitter, we don't think "WOW" will stick. LeBron called it "corny," which hints that Wade might be making an ass of himself with the alias. It's self-serving more than self-centered, so it doesn't stoop to the status of "Starbury". But "WOW" is JWoww tacky, considering Chinese clothing company Li-Ning, who Wade signed with in September, is behind the moniker makeover. However, its sportswear isn't even on shelves in the states yet. The "Way of Wade" campaign is a ways off from offering products, as markets outside of Miami and New York won't get goods until the fourth (business) quarter of this year. All told, hyping a new handle is a sneaky strategy for selling sneakers.

*emphasis on virgin

Heat Shake Up the League

The only thing growing at Madison Square Garden lately has been the competition's confidence. Stephen Curry, the singular All-Star snub, was as hot as a SoHo sidewalk in summer Wednesday en route to a career and year-high for The Association 54 points, including what we call a bilking baker's dozen of threes (that's 11), but no has been hotter than LeBron James and his Heat. Miami tied a franchise-best 14-game winning streak, the second-longest by a team this season - behind the Clippers 17-0 December to remember - after trailing by 14 at halftime, avenging two 20-point losses to the Knicks, who up until Sunday had the Heat's number. Yesterday, both James and Dwyane Wade - with his Lebron-like line of 20 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists* - did a number on the Knicks.

Following a foul in the third quarter, James landed limply on his leg, but by the finish of the fourth frame, it was the Knicks who had fallen flaccidly. The Heat aren't just making Harlem shake, they're triggering teams to tremble, too. Miami has big plans to repeat - Bosh's boombox big.

*and he did it with his "bear" hands.