Last April, Jason Collins was out in The Association. For the next ten months, he was out of The Association. After waiting more than half the season wondering whether he'd work again, Jason Collins was gainfully employed again on Sunday, by the Brooklyn Nets, who were suffering a shortage of big bodies. Hip hipster hooray! Collins became the first openly gay male athlete to play among the four major sports in America, stealing Michael Sam's thunder (but not by becoming a member of the Thunder).
Suddenly, the most celebrated Gay in the NBA is not named named Rudy. Collins signed and suited up the same day, snaring a pair of rebounds - and fouling five times - in 11 minutes of action (he went statless in seven minutes on Wednesday, showing he can simultaneously be a zero and a hero). Not since hip-hugging shorts were still in style has The Association been this gay. However, his stay could be shorter than a Vine video, since Collins' contract is only for 10 days*. Some gay cruises last longer than that.
*although, as of Tuesday, his jersey is for sale online and in The Association's Manhattan store, so the league is cashing in while it can. It turns out you can put a price on a pioneer - and it's $69.95.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Monstars Ball
To channel Chuck Klosterman for a sentence, two forms of entertainment based on basketball crossed over as unforgettably as Iverson on Jordan in the 1990s, into the pop cultural consciousness, our affinity and allowance allotted to each equally: NBA Jam and Space Jam*. The former returned in 2010, while the latter is reportedly in the works as of February, with LeBron James assuming the lead Michael Jordan held in the 1996 family-friendly feature film.
Here are our suggested subtitles for the sequel:
Space Jam 2: Jam Harder
Space Jam 2: Back in the Rabbit
Space Jam 2: Nerdlucks in Paradise
Space Jam 2: Crews Control
Space Jam 2: The Legend of Daffy's Gold
Space Jam 2: Electric Bugsaloo
Although Warner Bros. has announced the movie's development, sources close to James aren't confirming that he has been cast or even contacted by the studio (Michael B. Jordan is available), so we'll have to stay tooned for further information. If LeBron rejects the role, there's spot for him on Moron Mountain.
*what you thought we would mention Barkley Shut Up and Jam! and My Giant?
Here are our suggested subtitles for the sequel:
Space Jam 2: Jam Harder
Space Jam 2: Back in the Rabbit
Space Jam 2: Nerdlucks in Paradise
Space Jam 2: Crews Control
Space Jam 2: The Legend of Daffy's Gold
Space Jam 2: Electric Bugsaloo
Although Warner Bros. has announced the movie's development, sources close to James aren't confirming that he has been cast or even contacted by the studio (Michael B. Jordan is available), so we'll have to stay tooned for further information. If LeBron rejects the role, there's spot for him on Moron Mountain.
*what you thought we would mention Barkley Shut Up and Jam! and My Giant?
Friday, February 21, 2014
Servant's Four Quarters
Kevin Durant has never been self-serving - until now. He has been nickname-worthy for awhile, but he feels none of the nicknames he's been bestowed with - KD*, Durantula and Slim Reaper - have been worthy of him. He wants to be known as "the servant*." Where did this new nickname come from? Durant maid it up. Someone should tell him it's okay to have help.
When McLemore is less: It's de rigueur to diss the dunk contest, but the jeers this year are justified. The competition underwent renovations and the results were underwhelming. It hit the wall, but not because John Wall won with the aid of what looked like Dr. Manhattan wearing shades and a Wizards jersey. The format was convoluted and the amount of individual dunks was meager. The 'lift' was missing from this "facelift." Even Shaq's shenanigans couldn't salvage it. There were superior slams in the All-Star game. Heck, there were more dynamic dunks in the TNT's stars competition, during which a dunk tank toss was the decisive event^. This is our warning to The Association: don't bring that weak stuff in here again.
Taking a Turner for the worst: We transition from tanks to tanking. On deadline day, the 76ers traded two of their top three scorers and made three deals in total, each for draft picks and expiring contracts, shedding. The team isn't cleaning house so much as leveling it, then setting fire to the foundation. Even Miley Cyrus wouldn't wield a wrecking ball this recklessly.
*what will we call Jimmy Butler?
^naturally, the only man who had never played professional sports prevailed
When McLemore is less: It's de rigueur to diss the dunk contest, but the jeers this year are justified. The competition underwent renovations and the results were underwhelming. It hit the wall, but not because John Wall won with the aid of what looked like Dr. Manhattan wearing shades and a Wizards jersey. The format was convoluted and the amount of individual dunks was meager. The 'lift' was missing from this "facelift." Even Shaq's shenanigans couldn't salvage it. There were superior slams in the All-Star game. Heck, there were more dynamic dunks in the TNT's stars competition, during which a dunk tank toss was the decisive event^. This is our warning to The Association: don't bring that weak stuff in here again.
Taking a Turner for the worst: We transition from tanks to tanking. On deadline day, the 76ers traded two of their top three scorers and made three deals in total, each for draft picks and expiring contracts, shedding. The team isn't cleaning house so much as leveling it, then setting fire to the foundation. Even Miley Cyrus wouldn't wield a wrecking ball this recklessly.
*what will we call Jimmy Butler?
^naturally, the only man who had never played professional sports prevailed
Friday, February 14, 2014
The Bill Was Enormous
Pierre the Pelican, who has been terrifying tykes (making the mascot more of a repelican), underwent beak reduction surgery, the team reported. Let's hope the doctor who operated on him wasn't a quack. Next up in New Orleans to go under the knife: (or at least the razor) Anthony Davis' unibrow*.
A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.
Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.
Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.
*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.
^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?
A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.
Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.
Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.
*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.
^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Go Tell It On the Mountain
When LeBron James peaks, it's exciting; when he speaks about peaks, it's egomaniacal. In an interview that will air next Monday on NBA TV, the non-presidential LBJ said, "I'm going to be one of the top four to play this game", when asked about his made-up 'Mount Rushmore' of roundball. Yes, he's the face of the Association today, but does his mug belong among basketball's best? Let's not Rushmore to judgement.
He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.
Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.
Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.
Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.
Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.
*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday
^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone
He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.
Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.
Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.
Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.
Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.
*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday
^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone
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