Hi(atus), How Are You?

TV has taught us that breaking is bad, but some is good. We're off for the next dozen days, headed to the native lands of Ben Gordon and Tony Parker, respectively, on what we're titling, "The Underpants Tour." Until we return, you'll have to entertain yourselves (keep in mind, it's pathetic for a man to join Pinterest, so just behave normally and re-read the footnotes in The Book of Basketball and continue conducting experiments to determine if Michael Jordan's Flight cologne in its most concentrated form can increase your vertical jump). You could attempt the cinnamon challenge, like noted nitwits JaVale McGee and Nick Young, but for a tastier test, we suggest trying to consume a cookie Dwight Howard-style*.

* Look, Stan Van - no hands!

Back and Fourth

While the last quartet of teams was being determined in college basketball on Sunday, a far more fascinating "Final Four" was taking place: a quadruple overtime game between Utah and Atlanta, the first since 1997 and just the ninth such contest in league history. The Hawks went on to win 139-133, despite this being the team's third game in three nights, snapping the Jazz's string of six straight victories. 233 shots were attempted, a symmetrical seven players on each squad scored in double figures and the teams combined for only 21 turnovers. Here are four other standout moments from the shortened but significant season, in the order they occured:

1. February 6: Kobe Bryant moves into fifth on the NBA's all-time scoring supplanting former ally and adversary Shaq. The Big Studio Analyst was complimentary, declaring Kobe, "the greatest Laker ever." Asked if there was special significance in superseding Shaq, Kobe says, "No. It was inevitable."* As certain as him taking the last shot in a close game, as assured as the Lakers overtaking the Clippers in the standings, as pre-determined as Mike Brown being blamed for the squad's shortcomings.

2. February 7: Paul Pierce passes Larry Bird to move into second place on the Celtics scoring list, with 21,797 points, in an otherwise meaningless game against the Bobcats. Bostonians have a hard time accepting "The Truth" that Larry Legend has been lowered a level and contemplate carrying out the plot of Celtic Pride as a solution to their problem.

3. February 19: Two-time league scoring leader Kevin Durant hits the half-century mark in game, piling up a career-high 51 points. Russell Westbrook, trailing closely, nets 41, and Serge Ibaka tallies his first-ever triple-double, with 14 points, 15 rebounds and 11 blocks. It's the third time Ibaka has recorded 10 or more blocks this season, making Mt. Mutombo shrink to the size of a hill. The man erases more than a no. 2 pencil of a sloppy student.

4. March 14: Rajon Rondo registers his second triple-double in three games (and fourth of the season), with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-best 17 rebounds for his 17th overall triple-double. The last player to have 17 or more points, plus dimes and boards, in a game was Magic Johnson in 1989. Inspired by a scene in Good Will Hunting, Rondo presses the stat sheet against the window of GM Danny Ainge's office, shouting, "I got these numbers. How do you like them apples?" Then, he proceeds to make love to Minnie Driver

*His drive is almost as impressive as what he drives.

Boyz n the Hoodies

When the Miami Heat had a picture of the whole team taken in hooded sweatshirts, they weren't making a fashion statement, they were making a social statement. The pose was a tribute to teenager Trayvon Martin, who was wearing that garment when he was gunned down by a neighborhood watch vigilante who thought he was a thief, while walking back to his father's gated community in Sanford, Florida, on February 26, the same night LeBron James and Dwyane Wade were participating in the All-Star Game in nearby Orlando. The Heat have followed up by writing supportive messages on their sneakers before Friday and Sunday's games. Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire have also been seen or snapped dressed in hoodies. We've never took stock in the superficial saying that, "Clothes make the man." They certainly don't make a man - or any person - guilty of a crime.

While it's not the iconic image of Tommie Smith and John Carlos on the podium at the 1968 Olympics, it's still a brave and bold move. It may seem like a minor gesture, but it's a powerful one for the simple reason that athletes seldom express their opinions on contentious issues - or on anything outside the sphere of sports - remaining neutral enough to be confused with the Swiss*. In fact, they're often advised against it by their agents, who don't want a stance to cost their clients sponsorships or increase the scrutiny of already over-analyzed stars. In the picture, the Heat have their heads bowed down, but they are a group worth looking up to. Although LeBron will receive reproach for this act from some, this is by far his best "decision" to date.

*Does this mean Thabo Sefolosha is doubly neutral? We're not sure.

Foster (We) Care

Forget Foster the People, Jeff Foster was for the people, a Heartland hoopster with heart. Just as that band will soon fade into obscurity, so too will the Pacers player, so we'd like to acknowledge the post player who was never the face of a poster (if his face was even on a poster, it's because he was the goofy guy getting dunked on), after he announced his retirement on Wednesday due to persistent pain in his back. Jeff Foster wasn't like all the other kids with the pumped up kicks, he'd better run, better run - and run he did*. His game was based on grit and hustle, outworking opponents who took the Texas State product lightly. He was a minor contributor to the Indiana team that made the finals in his second season, but personally, his best campaign was 2004-05, when he averaged career highs in minutes played, points (7.1) and rebounds (9.1). He exits with a career field goal percentage of 49.7%, which isn't an indication that he was a great shooter, so much as he was smart and sparing in his shot selection. He wasn't on the floor for his offense; any baskets were bonuses. He was never the backbone, but he was an important vertebra. To put it in perspective: his stay in the state was one season shy of Peyton Manning's (and that's counting Manning's most recent lost year).

In most ways, Foster didn't stand out, which was actually part of his job description: to fit in with the moving pieces around him and fill in the gaps in whatever areas the team was deficient in. What is notable about him, especially in this era of free agency, is that he spent his entire 13-year tenure with one team, which is a rarity in modern day pro sports, far more so for role players, who often have to switch squads as often as Lady Gaga swaps wigs. Commitment takes two, so both franchise and fringe player valued each other. Still, a baker's dozen worth of years of fidelity? That's bananas, Foster.

*Not faster than a gun, though. Maybe a musket.

The Psychclone

The Knicks resemble a certain Coney Island attraction: the Cyclone*. Like a roller coaster, they're up and down, taking their fans for an unpredictable ride that sways between sensational and sickening. The squad streaks more than frisky freshmen. While the appeal of the legendary amusement ride is that it's wooden, the Knicks, who've won four in a row, are alluring again because of Woodson, as in new coach Mike Woodson, who we thought underachieved with Atlanta, but the Hawks are just as unambitious in his absence, so Woodson has been cleared of that charge. They've romped in the quartet of games, obliterating opponents by an average margin of 16 points. Accomplish it in MSG against the Blazers and Raptors doesn't mean much, but back-to-back in a home-and-home versus the fifth-place Pacers might mean the team is back on track. The current fourth-seeded 76ers present a true test on the road tonight.

When it comes to facing the fallout over the Monta Ellis trade, Joe Lacob doesn't just have to handle his better and bitter half (see: our previous post). During a halftime speech in which the team retired Chris Mullin's jersey, the fans flooded with boisterous boos to the extent that Mullin picked up the microphone to calm the crowd, preaching patience. However, the cranky chorus continued, so it seems supporters weren't interested in mulling over Mullin's message. Maybe they were just elongating the last name of new addition Andrew Bogut.

While larger market franchises still steal the spotlight from them like last year, the Memphis Grizzlies continue to swipe the most important thing: the basketball. As a team, the Grizz lead the league larceny, averaging 10 thefts per game. And while it's almost criminal they don't get more press, they are bound to now that they've signed an actual criminal, Gilbert Arenas. To ensure he doesn't turn backcourt mate Mike Conley into a con-man, Memphis needs to institute a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to "Agent Zero."

*Not Nathan's famous hot dogs, you fatso.

Trail(blazer) of Tears

While college basketball goes through March Madness, the NBA is experiencing an emotional breakdown of its own, when it comes to dealing with all the deals before the trade deadline. There's sorrow, as an unidentified young girl throws a tantrum after being told Gerald Wallace has been sent packing from Portland.* We doubt anyone in the Wallace household had such a strong reaction to the news. Although we do admire her attachment to and passion for a player who'd been with the Blazers for only one season and applaud her awareness that no person should suffer the sentence of being shipped against their will to the netherworld known as Newark, New Jersey, we believe this lends credence to the adage that children, like female Fox News anchors, are meant to be seen, not heard.

Another aphorism states that silence is golden, but not in Golden State, where the fiance of Warriors owner Joe Lacob is fuming, following his decision to deal Monta Ellis. Lacob told reporters two days after the trade that she still hasn't spoken to him. It seems she was BFFs with Ellis' spouse. We're not sure their relationship will work; He's management and she needs anger management. You might want to inquire if Landy Fields' couch is still available, Joe.

Finally, after the tears dry and the anger fades, there's confusion. In the NCAA tournament, this was felt on Friday when two #2 seeds were ousted within 3 hours of each other - should you feel happy for the small schools and witnessing history or pissed that your bracket is broken like Kobe Bryant's nose (you wonder if wearing a mask will hide your embarrassment or accentuate it), busted like George Clooney at an African embassy (just because it's March doesn't mean you have to march). Houston, do we have a problem? Derek Fisher appears to have gone fishin', failing to report to the Rockets, but the team hasn't said they want him there, either, so maybe he was told to stay away. Kobe Bryant, who's been close to Fisher for years, was quizzed on Fisher's feelings about leaving the Lakers: "You guys got to ask Derek. He's much more politically correct than I am ... Talk to Derek about it. I'm sure he'll answer it the way he best sees fit." If Fisher's as diplomatic as Kobe asserts and also has no interest in backing up Kyle Lowry, perhaps it's not too late for him to enter the GOP field. It's the one race the 37-year-old can win without breaking a sweat. Frankly, we'd welcome having another Little Rock, Arkansas native in the White House and another President who's passionate about basketball.

*So far, no footage has surfaced of her pitching a fit over the firing of coach Nate McMillan.

Built Ford Tough

Make room, Wilt Chamberlain, we've also hit the century mark with 100 posts.*

To mark our 100th entry, we're saluting a slighted player who gave 100% effort, even if he was seldom 100% healthy. Five days after absorbing an errant elbow to the back, T.J. Ford decided he would not step back on the court again, abruptly announcing his retirement Monday. The Spurs backup point guard is 28. This season has already seen Ford's peer, Brandon Roy, retire at 27 in December rather than risk further harm to his body. During his rookie year, the collegiate Naismith Player of the Year was struck by scrub Mark Madsen; the play proved to more disastrous than Madsen dancing. In one of the scarier moments in the league in recent memory, an immobilized Ford was removed from the floor on a stretcher. He required spinal fusion surgery, which sidelined him for an entire season. Ford fully recovered and even regained his signature speed, enough to be voted by fellow players as the fastest in the NBA in a 2007 Sports Illustrated survey.

His retirement is overshadowed by Ricky Rubio's injury, another PG with a plethora of possibility and promise. That's appropriate, as Ford played in places where attention was absent, starting with small-market Milwaukee, before being traded to Toronto -aka the basketball Siberia - and then often-ignored Indiana. Ford was equitable in his self-evaluation: "I think I succeeded at beating the odds, of being the little guy (he was a slight 6-feet and a slender 160-pounds), making it to the NBA and lasting as long as I did. I think I achieved a lot. I know I didn't have the career I anticipated and everyone anticipated, me having been the player of the year (at Texas). But I think I still had a successful career."

If it wasn't for that fateful fall, Ford wouldn't have fallen short of his, or anyone else's, expectations. Although Ford is concerned about the strength of his spine, to make the difficult decision to call it a career, he showed that he clearly has a brawny backbone.

*On our 101st, Disney is giving us free dalmatians, which we'll swiftly send to Sarah McLachlan. That'll teach her for making us tear up during those SPCA ads. Adopt them all or you're a hypocrite, Sarah.

Nothing But Love

Last season, Kevin Love was a lone wolf - or, as fans of The Hangover might phrase it, a "one-man wolfpack" - for Minnesota, which is why it was beyond baffling that the franchise didn't sign him to a maximum contract extension in January. We're not sure what more the organization had to see from the player Charles Barkley constantly calls "the best power forward in the game." Love will have to lead the Timberwolves hunt for a post-season berth on his own again, now that rousing and radiant rookie Ricky Rubio* has torn his ACL. Ironically, the injury occurred while guarding Kobe Bryant, whom Rubio taunted in the locker room following a previous meeting between the Lakers and Wolves, regarding this year's summer Olympics, which Rubio will now miss, making it a doubly devastating injury, since he can't compete for Spain, a strong contender to capture gold in London. He's about as valuable to his NBA club as gold. The pure point guard was 5th in the league in assists per game and third overall in steals. He ranked first in both of those categories among first-year players. All it took was one game without Rubio for the T-Wolves to surrender their shaky grip on the last playoff space in the West. The sting of losing Rubio was worsened by the sting of losing to the Hornets, who entered the contest tied for the second-fewest wins in the league.

Since the T-Wolves have been terrible for over half a decade (their last winning season was 2004-05), there hasn't been much, shall we say, "northern exposure," on TV, so we first fell for Rubio when he went between-the-legs of DeMarcus Cousins on a fastbreak during the Rising Stars Challenge. He puts mustard on passes like we put it on hot dogs - and without hot dogging, differentiating him from Jason Williams, who was flashy, but not fundamentally sound^. Love and Rubio have the potential to be a level-headed version of Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury and that had to give Minnesotans non-weather-related chills. Love is an expert at rebounding, but his squad will have a tough task bouncing back from this untimely event. Maybe Love should take Rubio to a movie, to get theirs minds off of the misfortune, but probably not 21 Jump Street, since Rubio is 21, can't jump for the next three-quarters of a year and will be in street clothes watching the Wolves playoff push.

*Try saying that three times fast.
If Williams was "White Chocolate," Rubio is raw cocoa bean.

Streaks and Geeks

We'd like to plead temporary Linsanity, regarding our Linfautation with a certain sofa-surfing, stereotype-shattering, country-captivating Asian-American basketball player. In February, perhaps longing for love and layups, we were crushing on him* (when you don't guard your heart, a guard can find your heart); in March, opponents are crushing him and his club. Faster than a New York minute, the Knicks have come crashing down like stuntmen in Spiderman on Broadway. The Knick's road trip has turned into a road tumble, losing four straight games. They haven't won since Leap Day and need to be jump-started again. At this point, the Knicks are in full Wilson Phillips mode - trying their hardest to just "Hold On" to the last playoff spot in the East.

Linsanity was Linfectious and we were swept up - or at least Swiffered up - in the fun and puns^ of the story. We committed Linfidelity; annulling our relationship with our hometown team and ardently adopting another in the metropolis we once lived in. The city never sleeps, so it was fitting that New York was the first place to not sleep on Lin. Still, he snuck up on us stealthily, like a Linja. We wanted a Tim Tebow to call our own in the NBA (sadly, our gesture of Linbo-ing never caught on). We loved that the only bank this Harvard alum with a degree in economics was interested in making was a bank shot. The comparisons to Steve Nash are apt, in that Lin's defense is Linadequate, although he does have active hands and steals as well as a professional pickpocket. Rajon Rondo had what Ice Cube would describe as "a good day" against him, messing around and getting a triple-double, while Tony Parker was magnifique, scoring 32 points. The competition now has the CliffsNotes on half of the bookish backcourt, that's why Lin is being "lit" up. That's not to suggest Lin deserves the lion's share of the blame, since it seems the Knicks players have something in common with those on Saturday Night Live: they're not ready for prime-time. That's Linauspicious because the last thing the league desires is for the Knicks to revert to being Linsignifcant.


*Sports Illustrated did send the first issue with Lin on the cover and the annual swimsuit edition out simultaneously. Talk about boom and bust.
^Admittedly, we over-Lindulged in the wordplay.

Digging a (Doughnut) Hole to China

LeBron James wasn't interested in dunking in the recent All-Star event, but it seems Dunkin' is interested in him. In what we're calling "The Doughcision," Dunkin' Donuts has signed LeBron to an endorsement contract to promote its products in Asia, specifically China, where the company currently operates 150 stores and plans to open approximately 100 more within the next three years, on top of the 5,400 locations throughout the continent, generating some serious cha-ching in Beijing and beyond. LeBron's duties will include appearing in stores; for an entrance maybe he can toss powdered sugar in the air, instead of his usual talcum powder. He won't just declare eclairs delicious because the menu varies by region and pork doughnuts are among the choices in China - why not introduce this item in the U.S., where people are prone to pig out? We can't help but be jealous that all Americans have is jelly and the doughnut burger - aka the only reason to ever attend a minor league baseball game.

If Krispy Kreme is considering countering, we recommend recruiting Jeremy Lin to sell sweets stateside, since he's the only thing hotter than a glazed doughnut fresh off the assembly line (and Krispy Kreme can advise him on the dangers of getting too big, too fast). The more obvious choice to us - at least based on appellation and applying the Radio Shack enlisting Shaq as a spokesman method - would've been Tim Duncan, but maybe he can reach a deal with Tim Horton's. After all, Canadians need their crullers, too*.

*Bonus points for being pitched by a mild-mannered man. Our neighbors to the north like both their personalities and pastries plain.