French Kiss Off the Glass

The bank was open late for Tony Parker - it was after 11:30 pm ET and there were 5.2 seconds remaining in the game - and he made a direct deposit . Parker almost lost his dribble, he definitely lost his balance, but he never lost his composure, as he went under and around LeBron James to launch his shot to give the Spurs a four-point lead that would hold. Parker tallied 10 of his game-high 21 points in the final frame and Tim Duncan shook the rust off from a scoreless first quarter to contribute 20 points to the wobbly win.

The Heat, who wasted a triple-double from LeBron - the 10th postseason one of his career - had as many turnovers in the fourth quarter as they did field goals: 5. That number was more one more than San Antonio committed in the entire game and more than twice as many transgressions as Miami made in the first half.

As a result of Parker gathering himself, the Spurs gathered their seventh straight win and improved to 7-1 on the road in these playoffs. They also advanced to 5-0 in the first game of the Finals. None of those numbers nor the homecourt heist are encouraging to the Heat, due to the 2-3-2 format. That's not to say the Heat are licked liked a stack of Taco Bell shells yet.

Tony Parker stumbled, then recovered. The Heat did the former, but it remains to be seen if they'll do the latter.

Talking Sit

It's a good thing that during our extended break* we didn't miss much, like the Wizards breaking the curse that caused their dirty dozen game start to the season or defeating the defending champs, Rajon Rondo snapping his 10-plus assists streak at 37 games after snapping at Kris Kardashian Humphries over an ordinary foul on KG, Charles Barkley broadcasting a game, the Bobcats already equaling their win total from all of last year, the Garden being fertile ground for the Knicks who are 7-0 at on home soil (maybe because J.R. Smith is now more committed to his ballclub than clubbing), Tony Parker and Tim Duncan's going black op on a Halloween photo op, and a new name that New Orleans will come to egret - whoops, we mean regret.

But the most significant story of all was David Stern fining the Spurs a quarter of a million dollars for the coach Gregg Popovich's choice to sit Duncan, Parker, Manu Ginobli and Danny Green in the final contest of a six-game road. Popovich has put this plan in place plenty of times before, but never so early in the season and not when scheduled to play nationally televised game, which is what caused the commissioner to have a conniption.

Stern asininely attempted to argue that the franchise had done a disservice to the fans attending. It was an away game, so he means Miamians, who are noted for feeling about pro sports the way the water on their beaches does: luke-warm. These are the same fortunate fans whose team won the most recent title. The lucky bastards backers who have the privilege of "witnessing" the greatest player in the league on nightly basis, plus Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Ray Allen.

With his stiff sanctions, Stern showed that in the association, there's not only no rest for the wicked, there's no rest for the wonderful, either (San Antonio is 14-4). Popovich restrained response to repercussions was that he was "disappointed." Rightly so, since this unprecedented, pricey penalty shouldn't sit well with the Spurs.

*Let's just say the torpor was due to turkey day, after which we couldn't put our big-boy pants on (Kobe's advice to "just adjust" didn't work on our belt) - or make our way to a keyboard (we blame a kilo of key lime pie for the latter).

All Four Won

Since the Heat's "big three" has been shrunk to a more manageable medium two, it's time to focus on a trio of Texans, one of whom has actually won not one, not two, not three, but four...NBA championships. Through two series, the Spurs boast an unblemished 8-0 record. In other words, they're Spurfect thus far in the playoffs. All told, San Antonio has strung together 18 straight victories, complete with contributions from players both counted out (Boris Diaw, Danny Green) and never before counted on (Kawhi Leonard, Gary Neal). It's been a River Walk in the park for this selfless, surreptitious superb squad.

Stability has been a source of the success. Duncan, Parker and Ginobli have been on the floor for 130 postseason games together, the most of any current threesome in the league. There is an inverse relationship between how impressed we are with their accomplishments and how impressed they are (which is to say, they haven't cleared room in the trophy case). "We haven't done anything yet. We've won two rounds," said the habitually humble Duncan. Parker and Ginobli have echoed those exact thoughts in post-game interviews. Those guys aren't just on the same page, they're on the same sentence, reading it at the same rate of speed. You can tell the gang is Alamotivated to achieve more. Things truly are bigger in Texas (see: Alexis Texas*), ambitions included.

*In this case, we're not providing a link, lest we be charged with corrupting the youth. Do your own dirty work!

Hi(atus), How Are You?

TV has taught us that breaking is bad, but some is good. We're off for the next dozen days, headed to the native lands of Ben Gordon and Tony Parker, respectively, on what we're titling, "The Underpants Tour." Until we return, you'll have to entertain yourselves (keep in mind, it's pathetic for a man to join Pinterest, so just behave normally and re-read the footnotes in The Book of Basketball and continue conducting experiments to determine if Michael Jordan's Flight cologne in its most concentrated form can increase your vertical jump). You could attempt the cinnamon challenge, like noted nitwits JaVale McGee and Nick Young, but for a tastier test, we suggest trying to consume a cookie Dwight Howard-style*.

* Look, Stan Van - no hands!

Puffy and Pass

Here's what we liked about All-Star Saturday:

Chase Budinger taking a feed from Puff Daddy and flying over him to flush it to open the Slam Dunk Contest and affirm that white men can jump...over short (not Jermaine Dupri short) rap impresarios. The only thing that would've made the jump better was if it was over Kriss Kross. Congratulations to another unexpected Jeremy - Jeremy Evans - who pleaded to be included by posting videos of himself hopping on YouTube, then proceeded to win it, Jazzing up a jump by donning a Karl Malone uniform, then hurdling Kevin Hart dressed as a mailman. Paul George glowed, but then he glowered in the days after, insulting the fans' intelligence - this from the guy who called Larry Bird "Larry Brown" before his last dunk - and criticized the competition. Well, Furious George, the weekend is for the fans and fans deserve to cast the deciding votes, which they did for the first time. Still, for a leap year, the Dunk Contest was a disappointment.

The elder statesman prevailing in the Skills Challenge. The third time was the charm for Tony Parker, who came in last the previous two times he participated. Kyrie Irving might've showed some of his fatigue from Friday, when he was the MVP of the Rising Stars game (swishing all 8 of the 3-point attempts), finishing at the back of the pack. We must point out that Parker is a decade older than Irving.

The trio of tie-breakers. There was one in the Skills Challenge and a duo of draws in the 3-point shooting contest, which prompted players to give a greater effort and made the events more competitive. Anthony Morrow's retro Nets jersey wasn't just a throwback, it was a tribute to the late Drazen Petrovic. There aren't a lot of Nets worthy of being honored, so kudos to Morrow for knowing the franchise's history. For older fans, it was a trip(le) down memory lane.

Tony Parker Can't Lose*

Tony Parker may have signed a four-year contract extension last month, but he's still going to be a free agent of sorts. His wife, Eva Longoria, has filed for divorce. Ironic that the Desperate Housewives star is paving the way for him to rendezvous with numerous housewives, desperate or otherwise. As if being newly single and recently made richer wasn't enough, Parker has steered the Spurs to the best record in the league at 12-1. San Antonio has won 11 straight games, so whatever discord there might be in his personal life, it hasn't affected his play one bit. In fact, Parker is dishing and swishing superbly. His scoring is up 3.5 points per game from last season and he's handing out almost 2 more assists in each contest as compared to 09-10.

The alleged reason for the split is that Parker was having an affair with a mutual friend and while that's difficult to defend, we have two points: 1. "Monogamy" isn't a word in the European vocabulary (neither is "mouthwash") and 2. It's still better than sleeping with a teammate's mom (we're staring suspiciously at you, Delonte West). Re-signing with San Antonio means Parker will probably finish his career with the team that drafted him (as will Duncan and Ginobili), a rare occurrence these days, so even if Parker wasn't loyal to his spouse, he is to the Spurs. Although it pains us to praise a Parisian, Parker has been overlooked for the bulk of his career, as the media fawns over a flashier, newer point guard every year: Roy, Rose and now Westbrook. So here's a toast. A French toast.


*This is the first of what will likely be many references to failed Fox sitcoms. Wait until you read what player we've determined is suffering from Arrested Development. Yes, we can be quite The Critic, but at least we keep you in The Loop. Maybe we'll go back and change the last post's title to "Greg the Bunny Oden."