Home, Sweets Home

In northeast Ohio, nothing is given - except complimentary cupcakes. Residents of Bath Township, Ohio may not know the muffin man, but they do know the cupcake man: it's LeBron James. On Tuesday, as an apology for the inconvenience caused by the parade of people and press who flocked to his home pre- and post-Cleveland comeback, he sent 70 dozen of the treats, 840 total, along with a nice note (presumably not dictated to Lee Jenkins) to neighbors - including five dozen to the local police (because having donuts delivered would've been pandering to the po-po).

The decision to bake was an E-Z one. However, the flavor names were a mouthful: Just a Kid From Akron Cherry Cola (strange, shouldn't his soda selection be Sprite?) and Homecourt Chocolate Chunk. Apparently, only thing in that area as rich as James are the desserts he distributes.

LeBron returning to his roots was what Ohioans wanted, this is just icing on the cupcake. He definitely earned brownie points with his neighbors. Perhaps he should ship Kevin Love some eclairs to let him know he cares.*

*with the enclosed card reading: "It would be a cream come true / to play alongside you."

Less is Morey

The MIT math master made many major miscalculations this offseason. Rockets GM Daryl Morey cleared copious cap space, but after Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony declined the dollars dangled (Morey was out of touch if he thought either would settle for less touches; Anthony thinks he should have the ball in his hands more when he plays pop-a-shot) and the only things that rolled into town were Trevor Ariza and tumbleweeds, what's clear is Houston were the failures free agency more so any team in the league and now Morey should clear his desk. To put it in hip hop terms, Houston was chopped (up) and screwed (up). The Moneyball mimic has mounds of money, but no one to ball. His back to (graduate) school essay will be entitled, "How I Didn't Spend This Summer*."

Morey can pour over PER, but what's perplexing is that he parted with Chandler Parsons, actually released him from his cost effective contract, then traded Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik before replacements were ready. Morey mistakenly subtracted before he added; he must've forgotten PEMDAS. Since he solely sees statistics through his Google Glasseyes, that's a combined 34.9 ppg, 16 rpg and 8.6 apg, as those three accounted for almost a third of the points and over a third of the club's rebounds and assists. We're failing to find the Nate Silver lining. Morey has as many advanced degrees as the franchise does playoff series wins in his seven years: one (it turns out MBA doesn't stand for Masters of Basketball in the Association). It's enough (or, more accurately, not enough) to make him cuss his abacus.

Running a basketball team isn't rocket science - or any sort of science. Perhaps the Sloan Conference at his alma mater should invite Jerry Sloan to speak this year in Morey's stead.

*is what we're doing regression toward the mean-spirited?

Homecoming King

It's appropriate that LeBron James was in Las Vegas at the beginning of last week for his youth camp because on Friday he took a gamble on his future and elected to join a group of youngsters. Who says you can't go home? Not Jon Bon Jovi and not LeBron James. He opted to return to Cleveland, thus rebuilding a bridge in a city where, coincidentally, one was simultaneously being detonated. James had a burning desire to come back, which is not to be confused with Cavs crazies burning desire to light his jersey on fire four years ago. Now, those fickle fans are flocking to their former flame.

James went the Richard Sherman/Michael Sam route and wrote an essay (not a letter, mind you) for Sports Illustrated, so the only scoop his ESPN shadow Brian Windhorst got was ice cream (from the looks of him, it was a double). The prodigal son, who was being cursed in the city as a different sort of son mere days ago, channeled his inner Pope Francis: "Who am I to hold a grudge?," he asked. All is forgiven and Dan Gilbert's gall is forgiven. He hung Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh out to dry in Miami like a two-piece bathing suit, yet they've defended him more thoroughly than they did any Spur in the Finals. Everyone has been understanding, yet we have a hard time understanding his dumbfounding decision. He may be more comfortable at home, but LeBron had better get comfortable with losing.

How many championships will he win in Cleveland? Not one, not two...not any is a possible answer. And he'll have to answer for that. Maybe not in Cleveland*, but everywhere else. In this evermore global game it's not enough to be a local legend. He may only have eyes for Ohio, but the world is watching (as cornea as that sounds). All pupils will be focused on how well James trains his.

*whose cranky citizens have to quit complaining about the sorry state of theirs sports, since they now have Johnny Football and LeBronny Basketball.

King's Dominion

Update: LeBron has climbed in the Cleveland coaster car, lowered the head rest and locked the lap bar. He didn't take his hometown for a ride, after all, although Miami must feel nauseous (hope the Heat have barf bags on hand).

You must be at least 48" tall to ride most of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, but the height requirement to have one named after you is 80". The theme park in Sandusky, Ohio has promised to rename a ride "King James" after LeBron, provided he makes tracks back to Cleveland. With every day he delays The Decision (Over)Deux, the movement is gaining momentum; now, it's added centripetal force.

LeBron has thrown everyone for a loop by considering the Cavaliers, so it's fitting for a local business to return the favor by throwing patrons for a few loops in his honor. Lest we forget, he took the franchise to dizzying heights.

The amusement park boasts 15 coasters, including, interestingly enough, ones called Maverick and Raptor, two teams who'd be at the back of LeBron's line (they'd probably have to wait in the parking lot because they can't afford the cost of admission). Should James choose to come back to the Cavs, we hope his second go-round with them is a merry one. Even if the offer doesn't work, at least Cedar Point can say they gave it a (tilt-a-)whirl.

Woo Tang Clan

The off-the-court courting has commenced. The delegates have been deployed to lure LeBron, coax Carmelo and bribe Bosh. The effort exerted by entrenched stars varied. Kobe cut his vacation short, taking a red-eye from the Mediterranean isles* to be present for the Lakers pitch, while Derrick Rose cut his workout short, wiping some sweat out of his eye to say "hello" to 'Melo. LeBron let his agent talk to several teams, including the Cavaliers, while he stayed silent. After all, talk is cheap, but James' services won't be. Get to groveling, Dan Gilbert. Considering his maniacal missive was just removed Monday from the team's website, we'd have some misgivings about returning to never say neverland, even if there is finally comic sans relief (remember, it was sloppy seconds for Mike Brown). Here are our best guesses about what will happen as we play the game of Wait Wait...Do Tell Me!

Bosh: The Rockets would move heaven and earth for Bosh - or at least Lin and Asik. If Bosh is going to be a third banana, which he still would when paired with Howard and Harden, the better bunch is in Miami, so there's no reason to, ahem, split. He'll remain on the Heat's Dole, not until the ripe old age Dwayne Wade will, though^.

Anthony: His spouse seems runs his house and she goes by La La, so we won't rule out a move to L.A. Anthony. His coach and GM have a combined 16 rings and the $33 mill. extra he'd make with the Knicks buys his wife enough jewelry to be called "Kay."

James: Pat Riley is scheduled to sit down with James today and we're sure his presentation will be as slick as his hair (true, LeBron has the power, but Riley has the PowerPoint). If LeBron took his talents to a third town or his native non-shores of Ohio, he'd leave more Miamians twisting in the wind than a hurricane. As it is, he's making us sweat like Dan Le Batard in a sauna. We think none of the three amigos goes. They have four Finals appearances in as many years and two titles. Why mess with success, especially to for the mess in Cleveland? A family doesn't break up over dollars (even if Dwyane Wade accepts a salary so scant that he might have to shop at Family Dollar). The lesson for LeBron is: you can't bond as a vagabond. Besides, him becoming a nomad would make almost everyone mad.

*ironic that his odyssey involved leaving Greece
^his banana phone isn't ringing

Lilac of Fashion Sense

A tree grows in Brooklyn, and on Thursday night, a tall flower sprouted up on stage, too - although it might as well have been a maple leaf. For the second straight draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers chose a Canadian as the number one overall selection. Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would concede this was a "tipping point" for The Association*. The franchise also drafted a Canuck in 2011, so this is a club committed to keeping it Montreal (in a nod to our northern neighbor, we've tagged this Torontonian trio the "Kids in the Haul"). Fellow countryman Malcolm Gladwell would identify this as a "tipping point" for The Association (the Cavs would be content with a tip-in point).

Lots of flowery language has been used to describe Andrew Wiggins, but that still doesn't excuse his strange suit, which screamed forget-me-not, hurt our irises to look at and was an embarrassment to his carnation. To shop for his ensemble, he must've went to nana, not Prada.

Bouquets belong by Joel Embiid's bedside. Still, as he struck a posy with Adam Silver, Wiggins did look gladiolus to be there. The Cavs are hoping he blossoms into a better player than pansy Anthony Bennett (he fell off faster than petals from a rose, so the team had to replant the following summer). Stencil him in as a starter, but remember: all that glitters isn't marigold. In time, Wiggins may take the Cavs to the promise land, but for now it looks like he's taking them to prom.

Ultrasound Bite

Many were expecting LeBron to deliver another championship, now his spouse is expecting to deliver a baby. There won't be time to brood over the blowouts because his brood is broadening. Pat Riley divulged Thursday - breaking the news, but not her water - that James' wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl.

The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.

*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position

Fisher's Price

After appearing to have Steve Kerr on the hook, but failing to reel him in, Phil Jackson cast his bait* towards a candidate easier to lure. The Zen Master isn't much of a fisherman, but he is a Fisher man. Here's the catch with his catch: Fisher has never coached a single second at any level. That didn't deter James Dolan from doling out $5 million a year for him, an amount Fisher earned annually only four times during his 18-year career. Incredibly, that high salary is actually market price, since it matches Kerr's contract, but considering it's a mere 1 mill. less than Gregg Popovich is paid, the money makes him a goldfish.

Fisher will be swimming upstream, similar to a salmon, fighting against the current, to keep the current Knicks afloat^. Hall of Famer Larry Brown lasted a lone season in NYC, so Fisher could easily flounder.

"Fancy" that: Ah, Young love. Lakers guard Nick Young and Australian chart-climbing chanteuse Iggy Azalea are an item. Look for her second single soon: "Swaggy."

He'll "Save" it - in his trapper keeper: Those who enjoy 1990s nostalgia will Screech with delight at a present Chris Paul was given for his birthday in May: a personalized picture from Tiffani Thiessen as her character Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell, in which her hair is as feathery as Paul's jump shot. We bet he was Bayside himself with joy over the gift. Cliff Paul would recommend insuring the memento, but how do you determine the value of an object that's priceless?

*thankfully, he didn't use "The Worm"

^Knicks and salmon alike should watch out for ravenous Grizzlies

Game of Dethrone

The Spurs didn't produce a point until over three-and-a-half minutes had elapsed in Game 5, at which time they were down by 8 points. After another three-and-a-half minutes, the deficit had doubled to 16. Tony Parker was scoreless until 15 seconds left in the third quarter. Danny Green missed all of his attempts. None of that impeded the path of the poised and persistent Spurs - and neither did the Heat, who got rolled like a quesarito, which after countless commercials, we crave as much as the Spurs did a championship*.

Speaking of dining, the Spurs showed revenge is a dish best served piping hot, as San Antonio averaged 52.8% shooting for the series, a Finals record, connecting on no less than 46.2% in a single game. When any Spurs player released the ball, we swear the spinning sphere went from reading "Spalding" across its surface to "Scalding." A pack of pepper pickers don't have this many hot hands.

The trio of Kawhi Leonard, Manu Ginobli and Patty Mills, heretofore known as the "medium three," made sure history didn't repeat (or threepeat) itself. Leonard was the Spurs of the moment, tallying his third consecutive game of 20+ points and his second straight double-double. The imperturbable Leonard was an improbable, yet impressive MVP, but his breakout signals he's ready to take up the mantle and now he has an honor to put up on his mantle. Patty Mills was Aussie-some, nailing five threes to nail the coffin shut. The Heat spent the third period chasing Mills, who racked up 14 of his 17 points. They might as well have been chasing windmills. The man from down under kept the Heat who were down, while the Spurs had things under control. Tony Parker had resumed his Cirque de Soleil act by the fourth quarter. Along with the Australian, it was also the Argentine's time to shine. Ginobli was half-Manu, half-amazing, amassing 19 points, making baskets from angles even a geometer would gawk at. He and his tenacious teammates made redemption appear to be Manufest destiny.

Early indications pointed to a blowout and they were correct, just not for the club that controlled the first eight minutes of the contest. The Spurs station wagon engine took a little time to warm up, but once it did it was humming like a sports car (as San Antonio supporters starting humming a specific Queen song to the deposed King James - or at least they should've). Suddenly, the Ford was overtaking the Ferrari. The Spurs held the Heat to 11 points in the second quarter and after allowing 17 first quarter points to LeBron, limited him to 14 through the remaining three. Wade, Bosh and Allen, were exposed as non-shooting stars, going 11-34 from the field. If James had hung a "Help Wanted" sign on the back of his jersey at halftime, we would've understood. LeBron had said the Heat possessed "championship DNA," but we didn't detect a single strand of it throughout the series, which was bafflingly one basket from being a sweep^. No one needed a microscope to notice the Spurs were superior (not genetically, just generally).

Sunday was Father's Day, but it was also Pop's day. Ditto for Tim Duncan, who bounced back from a devastating defeat even better than a divorce. You have to hand it to the cerebral, consistent Hall of Fame coach and center, who now have a handful of rings apiece. We know the duo aren't demonstrative, but we believe on this occasion, Kawhi-fives are in order.

*it took the Spurs less time to go through the Heat than it will for Taco Bell's fascinating, fabricated foodstuff to go through your bowels; it's best to trust the system to take care of it - the digestive system

^as the jock geneticists say, "you win some, you chromosome."

Passing Through

If Tim Duncan's Final prediction comes to pass, it will be because the Spurs came to pass. The way the Spurs play is no passing fancy, although they do some fancy passing. Pinpoint, too. They thread the needle like a team of talented tailors. They spot every seam in the defense (and the Heat's has more holes than moth-munched mohair) and, subsequently, are one win away from sewing up the series and fitting their fingers for rings. They're showing they aren't as buttoned-down as the press portrays them. The Heat, who were caught with their fly down in game 3, didn't zip it up in game 4, either. sse defense has more holes than moth-munched mohair, have folded like a beach chair. Down 3-1, a deficit never overcome in the Finals, parachute pants have a better chance of coming back than them (maybe those would halt the Heat's free fall).

The spotlight-shirking Spurs surely didn't go clubbing while in Miami, but they did club the Heat twice over two nights. They were right at home inside American Airlines Arena and now they get to go home to try to clinch a championship. In an encore, Leonard again supplied the Kawhighlights, providing 20 points and 14 rebounds. Gloria Estefan's presence wasn't enough to turn the beating around*. Not to (Ney)mar another nation, but Miami looked as unprepared to host a crucial competition as Brazil*.

The Spurs have better balance than a tightrope walker, but instead of no net, it's nothing but net, since they shot 57% in game 4 and are averaging 54% from the floor in the Finals. The most skilled player in the 305 - and all area codes - can't overcome the most skilled starting five in The Association. Aside from Pat Riley's pompadour, the Heat haven't encountered anything this well-oiled (barring bodybuilders on the boardwalk).

Sorry soccer, but basketball is the true beautiful game^. The Spurs are athletics as art and the court is their canvas. This is the closest sports comes to sonnets, symphonies and sculptures. A coach-composed opera; a Popera. Duncan, Parker and Ginobli aren't the "Big Three," but they may be the "Three Tenors" (what do you mean that nickname is already taken?).


*so far, it's been the Miami soundly defeated machine

^we'll grant that Nene is no Pele

Hyperbole and a First Half

The initial 24 minutes of Game 3 was a high-scoring affair for the Spurs. It was also a Kawhi scoring one. Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson were in attendance and they witnessed the hoops equivalent of a haymaker. From the outset, Kawhi Leonard was slugging as strongly as Sugar Ray Leonard, knocking down his first six shots and knocking the Heat up against the ropes (which were velvet, since this is Miami).

Leonard, whose primary purpose is to stick to LeBron James like a barnacle, actually outscored him, contributing a career-best 29 points, including 16 in the Spurs 41-point first quarter flurry. San Antonio almost equaled its Game 1, fourth period points-producing perfection in the first quarter, then prolonged its prolific pace into quarter number two, ultimately setting a Finals record for shooting percentage. Yes, the Spurs were hotter than the bikini beauties sunbathing on South Beach. No matter who hoisted it or from where, the ball kept going in for the Spurs and soon everyone saw the Heat were in for a extensive and excruciating evening. Mike Breen bellowed "bang" more frequently than if he was narrating a fourth of July fireworks display*.

The scoreboard showed 71 points on 75.8% shooting for San Antonio by the time Sage Steele and her distinct 'do^ came onscreen. Down 21 at the break, Miami wasn't in a hole so much as a crater. If every man's home is his (sand)castle, then Leonard and his mates kicked Miami's over. The Heat, who never came closer than within seven, couldn't rebuild because the bucket belonged to the Spurs. Every bucket did Tuesday night.

This was definitely the Kawhigh point in Leonard's three years as a pro, yet he wasn't on the podium afterwards to meet with the media. Proof that Popovich doesn't put his people on a pedestal. No matter, if they keep playing this way, we will.


*if we hear Mark Jackson jabber, "hand down, man down" one more time, we're turning the sound down

^the Heat had more kinks to work out than if she were straightening her hair

A Fluids Situation

Trainers had to haul LeBron from the floor in Game 1; his teammates should've carried him off the court in celebration following his fantastic Game 2. Immobile on Thursday, he was back to being invulnerable Sunday, demonstrating that the person most capable of stopping James, short of a sneaky San Antonio-area HVAC repairman, is himself. This time, LeBron's lower body didn't lock up on him and no opponent locked down on him, either.

James played five more minutes in this contest and scored 10 additional points, finishing with 35 and, more importantly, finishing the game. He attended a yoga class 12 hours before tip-off and perhaps that extra stretching allowed him to be available down(ward dog) the stretch.

Subject to second-guessing on social media over his conditioning* and hydration habits (a certain lightning-bolted beverage didn't hurry to his ade^), James argued he's an easy target (and he does get needled as much as an acupuncture patient), yet he was on target last night, accurate on 72% of his attempts through the final three quarters. Still, LeBron has lots of defenders. Now, the Spurs need to find one who plays for them.

*better to have a calves controversy than a Cavs one

^it was a Riptide Rush to judgement

Home, Sweat Home

For one night, the At&T Center in San Antonio doubled as C+C Music Factory because, if you were within it, the building was gonna make you sweat. The air conditioning was out of service and, as a result, so was LeBron James during the decisive fourth quarter. It was a capacity crowd, but everyone would agree the venue could've used more fans.

The arena kept getting hotter and the Spurs shooting followed suit, basically burning up the basket by swishing a scorching 14 of 16 from the floor in the fourth, including a flawless and flaming 6-6 on three-pointers. That wasn't even the most impressive (thermo)stat of the night: Tim Duncan's field goal percentage, 90, was equal to that of the temperature inside the gym.

The increase in degrees increased the degree of difficulty in playing for LeBron, who had to be carried off with cramps with 3:59 remaining, after exiting earlier in the final frame at the 7:31 mark. He could only watch and wince while the game was on the line, which brought a new meaning to the phrase "warming the bench." James, who finished with 25 points, was hot and bothered by the climate conditions, leaving for the locker room with time left in the game. 15-4 and 16-3 Spurs spurts stemmed from James sitting on the sidelines. An electrical problem revealed an inconvenient truth: The Heat were done-in by the heat.

Perhaps speaking to a trend of global warming, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobil pointed out that plenty of parquets in Europe are absent of AC. As usual, Gregg Popovich had the best (power) line, "Hopefully we can pay our bills [by Game 2 on Sunday]," coach cracked. Preferably in cold, hard cash.

A Rematch Made in Heaven

San Antonio and Miami are ready to run it back and for fans of the franchise and basketball buffs alike, it's a case of many happy returns. If the faces in this face-off look familiar, that's because one year removed from a terrific tilt, the fundamental Spurs and the flashy Heat are competing in the Finals a second straight season. This showdown is a sequel audiences actually want to watch (think of it as Days of Future Recent Past).

The story lines for the series are straightforward: for the Spurs, it's a chance for redemption, after the title slipped through their fingers last season, like the Larry O'Brien trophy was carved out of soap; for the Heat, it's an opportunity to be distinguished as a dynasty by winning three in a row, or over one-third of the way toward fulfilling LeBron's ambitious assertion (and for Pat Riley to sell some sheets*). Who cares whether California Chrome will win the triple crown, we want to know whether King James will be crowned thrice or if Tim Duncan will be telling teammates, "give me five," after capturing championship number five.

How the Heat win: Bosh rebounds and plays in the post periodically, Allen gets free and hits threes, Anderson protects the paint, Chalmers and Cole are careful with the ball, Wade doesn't wear down or settle for outside shots, James is selfish in spots and does the heavy lifting himself down the stretch, if Oden behaves on the bench how his Buckeyes buddy suggested.

How the Spurs win: Parker suffers no setbacks with his ailing ankle, Belinelli and Mills match Allen's makes, Diaw sets up his squadmates, Leonard uses his length to leak out on fastbreaks and limit LeBron on offense, Duncan demands the ball, Ginobili gets in a groove, if Bonner resumes his web series and eats hot dogs with Snoop Dogg.

It took seven to settle it before and the same sum will be needed, but the Spurs have home court advantage this time and that alone will be the deciding factor in an otherwise even encounter (it'll be National Spelling Bee contest-close, you have our word^). Cue coach Popovich popping open the champagne (and, in a gracious gesture, aiming the cork away from Heather Cox's cornea) and Duncan being uncharacteristically bubbly as he has bubbly poured over him.

*his money is on top of the mattress, not underneath it
^if the teams are tied at the end of regulation in Game 7, instead of overtime, whoever spells "Tiago" and Kawhi" correctly will be declared the winner

NBA (B)Allmer Day

It what seemed like a microsecond, The Association on Friday approved former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's $2 billion-dollar bid to buy the L.A. Clippers - or double the sum Donald Sterling's attorney announced earlier that day he's suing the league for. A certain company's operating systems take more time to load than it took Shelly Sterling to unload the club ahead of a board of governors vote. The financial matter became one of grey matter, as Donald Sterling's estranged wife acquired the authority to auction off the franchise by becoming the sole trustee, after he was declared to be "mentally incompetent" by neurologists*, but maybe those doctors should assess Ballmer, since he's shelling out the second-most money for a pro team ever on the continent (a few Dodger dogs shy of the record) and almost quadruple the amount paid for the previous highest-selling NBA franchise. It became clear no other individual was going to (ahem) Surface ahead of today's deadline who would offer that much.

Donald Sterling's beliefs may be backward and biased^, but he never thought that Zune could overtake the iPod. For comparison, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen possesses NBA, NFL and MLS organizations for a total of $294 million, meaning he's a much Sounder(s) investor.

Still, we give Ballmer credit for seeing his Window(s) of opportunity and seizing it^. He practically jumped at the chance to own the Clippers - and practically jumping is a special skill of Ballmer's (buy high, jump low. Luckily, he can leave the leaping to Blake Griffin from now on.
Microsoft-sell

*which all seems shadier than a park full of palm trees
^and if Sterling was hit hard by this, he still wasn't hit as hard as his former flame

This is 40 (and 10)

This is 40 (and 10)
During his moving MVP speech, Kevin Durant told Russell Westbrook, who's regularly under fire for firing off scads of shots, he had his back (it was the lead taking a supporting role). Westbrook paid back the praise by bringing the Thunder back into the series, tying it at 2-2, behind his 40 points, 10 assists and 5 steals, which were all figures greater than what the Spurs starting lineup totaled (although Popovich, perhaps channeling the Commander-in-Chief, pulled his charges out before the conflict concluded, too). Westbrook became only the second player in postseason history to notch those numbers, joining the rare air of Michael Jordan, who did it in 1989, when Westbrook was one and pampered in a completely different way.

When Durant stood up for Westbrook, it stood out - and a standout effort from Westbrook was exactly what the Thunder needed.
Westbrook can always find the basket, but he's at his best when he's finding teammates, too. Durant, who had his series-high with 31, wasn't just accepting an award, he was accepting his amigo, along with any of his friend's flaws, which are few. Durant demonstrated he'll share credit, now Westbrook is showing he'll share the ball. That makes them two of a kindness.

ReSergence

The Thunder's medical staff was off the mark when they ruled Serge Ibaka would miss the remainder of the postseason. In contrast, Ibaka, during his return, was rarely off the mark. He made the first basket of the game, sinking six of seven from the field, on his way to scoring 15 points, while snaring seven rebounds and swatting four shots in the Thunder's win. The Spurs were skeptical Ibaka would sit out the series. Gregg Popovich believed the prognosis on Ibaka's strained calf strained credulity, so San Antonio was prepared for him to play, just not that well. Ibaka starting wasn't as unexpected as Bill Murray barging-in on your bachelor party.* Murray's shown he's agreeable to administering advice to Boston College boys, so pick up the phone if you need a pre-game pep talk tonight, Reggie Jackson.

More fraud than Freud: Lance Stephenson won't be freelancing as a psychologist anytime soon. Stephenson thought he detected a "sign of weakness" from LeBron James when he goaded him into gabbing in game 3, but LeBron switched from strong language to a powerful performance for game 4. Stephenson tried to get in James' head, but that's not the way to get ahead against him^ and now the Pacers appear in over their heads, down 3-1. LeBron paid no mind to the mind games, posting his highest point total of the series, while Stephenson had his lowest, so you could say LeBron beat his brains out. If Stephenson attempts to put James on the couch again, he'll be the one on the couch - watching the Finals from home.

*he popped up that day like a groundhog and is more likely to be seen at a stranger's stag shindig than in Ghostbusters III.

^he should know LeBron's lone visible vulnerability lies on top of his coconut, not inside it; Stephenson can't Rogaine a metal advantage over James.

A River Walk in the Park

The Thunder are missing their shot blocker, while the Spurs aren't missing shots (averaging 53.8% from the field), thus nothing is blocking the Spurs path to the basket - or the finals. The Thunder have become the Thuner, their 'd' has disappeared in Ibaka's absence. The advice to go inside when you see lightning apparently also applies to when you see Thunder, as the Spurs have put up 66 and 54 points in the paint. Oklahoma City has done nothing to deter San Antonio from long distance, either, as the Spurs have hit nine threes in each game. When that many triples are going in, they won't have trouble reaching triple digits on the scoreboard.

Sans Serge, the Thunder can't survive the Spurs surges. The Thunder lost by more than twice as many points in game 2 as they did in game 1 - and the first contest wasn't close (if this trend continues, the margin will mushroom to 71 Sunday). If the Thunder can't block field goals, they'll at least want to block out these blowouts from their brains. We've watched cats more willing to confront attackers this week. Is it too late for the Thunder to sign Tara*? We'd be feline better about their chances if they did.

His Barkley is worse than his bite: Charles Barkley has never been afraid to weigh-in with his opinion, especially on the weight of women in San Antonio, but the wisecrack is wearing thin. Jokes aren't like buffet lines, you can't go back to them as much as you like. Particularly for someone who remembers pie a la mode as much as the Alamo. Interviewing Danny Green after Game 2 in the arena, he acknowledge the throng's taunts "I just want them to know they suck, too." However, he stopped short of shouting at them to "Shut up and Jam!"

*she's already tried her paw at baseball

Cleveland Streamer

Cleveland didn't stand much of a chance. Then again, it usually doesn't. The odds of the Cavaliers drawing the first pick in the draft lottery were 1.7% - or slightly higher than LeBron rejoining them. The city that staunchly supports the Browns, but not so much Mike Brown, won the number one overall selection for the third time in four years. Truthfully, it's the best three-peat the club could hope for after LeBron left.

Last season, they squandered it on Anthony Bennett, who fellow canuck Justin Bieber would be justified in chucking eggs at*. Akin to another Toronton, Rob Ford, Bennett wasn't all he was cracked up to be (it's baby steps for the latter, 12-steps for the former). The ball bounces their way, they just have to wait until their season is over for it to happen.

If Lady Luck wasn't smiling on the Cavs last night, then it was the gorgeous grin of Mallory Edens, the teenage daughter^ of the incoming Bucks owner, who gained over 19,000 Twitter followers after her appearance (they may have found the face of the franchise prior to picking a player). If only Milwaukee - who had a 25% probability, yet slid to second - could attract that many season-ticket buyers.

*there's Johnny Football's first assignment

^she's 18, so she's draft and dating-eligible

The Price is Write

Now that the Warriors have been eliminated from the postseason, Harrison Barnes has some free time and he'll use it to sign stuff for free. As a token of thanks to fans, Barnes announced on Facebook he will give his autograph away gratis this summer. The second-year player from Ames, Iowa aims to please.

You name it and he'll write his name on it. The memorabilia must be mailed to his P.O. box, along with an explanation of why you want him to scrawl on your souvenirs (because you can't afford an inscription from Harrison Ford isn't an acceptable answer). He does caution there could be delays due to his TV viewing and video game playing (apparently, his first duty is to Call of Duty), so senders might not receive their object until the fall if Barnes is immersed in Titanfall.

His policy puts some pressure on the similarly surnamed Matt Barnes - and his teammates, too (David Lee will have to waive his fee and Andre Iguodala will stop charging top dollar). Still, this is no small gesture by the small forward For starters (which, he's not), it's a great way to forge a friendship with followers* (you can call him your "nonPayPal"). Secondly, it's a smart strategy to stand out on social media. This could become Barnes' signature move.

*and us if he'd be willing to forge Stephen Curry's John Hancock on a jersey

Terms of Encroachment

Jack Nicholson, a fixture in the front row at Lakers games, was courtside to watch the Clippers last night. This is what happens when the franchise finally has A Few Good Men. He's As Good As It Gets for celebrities at Clippers games (that much is Billy Crystal clear). Sadly, it wasn't The Shining moment the club had hoped for, as it lost its series to the Thunder. Jack, you can't be an L.A. basketball bigamist*; you must select a squad to support, so Something's Gotta Give.

Golden State Corral: Steve Kerr is likely to incur the wrath of Phil Jackson. It appeared a foregone conclusion that Kerr would coach the Knicks, but now he's gone to the Warriors, who hired another guard-turned-TNT broadcaster (a few seasons donning a headset and you're all set to be a head up a team, brass believes). This turn of events likely has Jackson feeling disKerraged. Remember, Phil, if at first you don't succeed, try, triangle again.

Time passed, but he didn't: Talk about jersey pride. Steve Francis wore his own, old top to a Houston playoff game and was resoundingly reproached for his Rockets regalia. What, did you expect him to be clad in a Cuttino Mobley one*? After a player is through playing basketball, is his uniform supposed to collect mothballs? All his clothing choice conveyed is that Stevie Franchise hasn't moved on, while the franchise has.

That's two bad: Mike Brown was let go by Cleveland for the second time in four years Monday. Deja vu is even eerier when it involves Dan Gilbert (and occurs near Lake Erie). How does that proverb go? Fire me once, shame on you; fire me twice, shame on me. Any chagrin Brown has will become a grin because he had four years left on his contract, plus he's still collecting checks from his quintet of games with the Lakers. Brown has learned layoffs payoff.

*what's know as letting "The Big Cat" out of the laundry bag

^a Jack of all teams

Patella Us About It

Greg Oden has been under the knife a lot (so much so that if he had a TV special to proclaim his plan to play in Miami, it would've been titled, "The Incision"), but this time he dissected himself. In an interview with Grantland, the number one overall pick in 2007 granted, "I know I'm one of the biggest busts in NBA history." However, he did not follow that up by saying, "It's just Kwame, myself and I."

Somewhere, fellow Blazers bust Sam Bowie - who at this point, Oden would have to kneel before (if he's even capable of it) - is nodding his head in agreement with that assessment. Both big men are picked on for where they were picked, but even more for who was picked after them: Jordan and Durant, respectively. It turned out the chosen ones were not the ones chosen first.

Oden, who's missed more time than an unwound watch, is aware that both his body and body of work are deficient."It's frustrating that my body can't do what my mind wants it to do sometimes," the center conceded. Toddlers everywhere empathize with you, Greg.

We tip our (knee)cap to Oden for taking a complete and critical look at himself, something not enough scouts did. To be fair, Oden did bust (there's that word again) his behind rehabbing for years to return to the league. If this winds up being his last season, Oden is still assured a place in history. At the very least, he'll be the answer to a tibia, er, trivia question.

A Gaga Order

Lady Gaga was "Born this Way," and now she'll have to make way for possible playoff basketball. Sorry, little monsters, the Wizards have moved forward the date of a scheduled Lady Gaga show this week*, in anticipation of a game six being played, although Washington, one loss away from elimination, is about to fall off "The Edge of Glory".

Her fans expect costume changes, not concert changes and we don't know how holding it earlier will affect preparations, but she better begin thawing her meat dress immediately (which gives "skirt steak" a whole new meaning) and taking her enormous egg out of its carton (a precious prop that isn't a dime a dozen).

That's no way to treat a Lady, but there's been no reaction from Gaga, so we guess she's maintaining her "Poker Face."^ Still, we're sure she'll deliver a moving performance. After all, who doesn't appreciate "Applause" in advance?

*and we thought the only thing pushed-up would be her bra

^some songstresses would've fought the changes kicking and screaming

Serpent-Up Fear

Up 3-0 against the Blazers, the Spurs have control, but they need to have animal control. Before Thursday's game in San Antonio, Portland's Thomas Robinson spotted a snake in his locker - meaning there was a moccasin in the very place he puts his moccasins. He threw a hissy fit when he saw the hissing reptile, leaping "five feet high and 20 feet back," because although snakes are legless, basketball players aren't.

By his own account, Robinson, who admitted he had only seen the creatures on the Discovery Channel, was rattled by the snake. Teammate Mo Williams confessed, "we was scared as hell," while Will Barton scaled a chair to escape the scaly beast, so it seems like these Trail Blazers mostly stick to the trail. It'll be difficult for them to crawl back in the series.

Coach Terry Stotts quipped it "sounds like an ABA story," but that tale would've been about snake-skin shoes. Those old-time players wanted the hide, while Stotts' lot wanted to hide.

The Mother of All Awards

How does Kevin Durant spell "MVP?" M-o-m. In his emotional acceptance speech Tuesday, during which the "Slim Reaper" became the slim weeper, he wasn't mum about who deserves credit for the accomplishment, singling out his mama for the sacrifices she made for him growing up. So, with several days to spare before Mother's Day, (show-off) he honored her with touching testimony and a trophy touting what a terrific tyke she raised, which really puts our ho-hum Hallmark card and cruddy candle into perspective* . It's one thing for him to make defenders look bad, but it's another to make sons look bad (he presented her with a pro prize and we couldn't be bothered to buy ProFlowers^).

"Mr. Unreliable" was Mister Fantastic the entire season, leading the league in scoring for the fourth time and posting 25 or more points in 41 consecutive contests. Last spring, he said he was sick of being second, and this season he was second-to-none. Durant's dominance was apparent to everyone - even LeBron, who ahead of the announcement admitted Durant "deserves" it - just as it's apparent which parent Durant loves.

*mommy, if you're wondering why your edible arrangement arrived with most of the melons missing, blame Durant for depressing us

^our mug making us out to be #1 is meaningless, we might as well mail it to KD

Making Chow Fun

Now that the Rockets season is through, Jeremy Lin tweeted that he'd send a pair of his sneakers to the first follower to correctly guess which restaurant he was heading to in his hometown, to which teammate Chandler Parsons - perhaps looking to stir-fry up trouble - replied, "Panda Express."* Rather than (egg) roll his eyes, Lin teasingly called Parsons "Donald Sterling." Come on, Chandler, Lin makes millions now - he can afford P.F. Chang's.

No longer a Golden opportunity: We don't know if they put a hand down, but the Golden State Warriors are a man down. Specifically, their coach, Mark Jackson, who was fired Tuesday. Despite leading the club to back-to-back playoff berths, he won't be back. Remember when Jackson told fans not to attend his team's games (and unless you suffer from short-term memory loss you should because it was last week)? Now he's free to follow his own advice. Mama, there goes that man...to the unemployment line.

Hop to it, coach: We've heard of a sore loser, but never a soar winner. Washington coach Randy Wittman, 54, pledged to his players that if they prevailed in their first round series, he would attempt a dunk. Wittman, who stands 6'6", hasn't fulfilled his promise yet and players are jumping all over him for not jumping. Wittman gave them his word, so he's bound to do it.

Clearing the Air Jordan: A new biography of Michael Jordan discloses his dislike of white people as a youngster and recalls an incident where a classmate called him a racial slur and he responded by tossing a soft drink at her (he was suspended from school because they had a Coke Zero-tolerance policy). Jordan eventually learned it wasn't healthy to keep his hatred bottled up.

*guess who's not coming to dinner

Putting the 'Jam' in "Traffic Jam"

Raptors coach Dwane Casey rode the Toronto subway to game 7 Sunday after congestion caused by a marathon. He tried to drive to the game, but his path was blocked, although it still wasn't the best block of the afternoon on a Raptor (and that's "The Truth"). We hope with the new three-year contract Casey signed Tuesday, it won't be beneath him to take public transportation, especially the underground variety.

This draft class goes to eleven: Ten players were taken ahead of Michael Carter-Williams (heck, he wasn't even the first guard with a hyphenated surname to be selected; thanks a bunch, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope), but he wound up ahead of them all, leading newcomers in scoring, rebounding and assists, and accordingly was awarded rookie of the year Monday. Carter-Williams' points-per-game was quadruple that of the number one pick, Anthony Bennett, who was almost as much of a Canadian train wreck as the Lac-Megantic derailment. Around The Association, and even more so in Philly, Carter-Williams stood out like Tetris on a tall building*

Ocho Cinco de Mayo: Monday, Chris Paul put the '3' in his nickname, "CP3." Paul connected on a career-best octet of them and missed only one attempt, meaning he was draining more shots on this Mexican holiday than a careless - and culturally clueless - collegian (he found the bottom of the net, they found the bottom of the bottle, both got high-fives from their friends).

Just stating the artifacts: The second round has barely begun, but the Pacers and Thunder have already lost home court advantage again. They must have been archaeologists in a past life because they keep having to dig themselves out of holes they've made. Still, they've demonstrated commitment to climbing out^, so we know they won't throw in the towel - or trowel.

*like a lot of our games of Tetris, the Sixers were missing most of the pieces necessary in order to play well.

^except Roy Hibbert, who's seven-feet under, in a riding-the-pine box

For the Winfrey

In basketball, "the Big O" has always referred to Oscar Robertson*, but it might soon be used in regard to Oprah, who has expressed interest in buying the Clippers (Gayle would prefer she pursue the Kings). There could be competition from other celebrities; Floyd Mayweather, for instance, who we think has a puncher's chance of purchasing the franchise. Knowing Oprah, talks could go on for awhile (pausing periodically for breaks). It makes sense that the proprietor of a TV network wants to OWN a basketball team (we can hear the crowd chanting "Oprah-rah").

Mo' money, chemo problems: Adding injury to insult, the NY Post reports Donald Sterling has prostate cancer (on the bright side, his lifetime ban may not last so long). We hope it can be removed as easily as he was (are any of Adam Silver's siblings oncologists?).

Off with his headline: The Oklahoman published a piece on Kevin Durant Thursday titled, "Mr. Unreliable." The sports editor already apologized, but our takeaway is that even Midwesterners put-downs are polite. Still, if that's how they view Durant, they have the vision of Mr. Magoo.

They see him lint-rolling, they hatin': Drake has a clean image and perhaps that's because he's more focused on britches than bitches. Cameras caught the Canadian cleaning his chinos courtside during game two of the Raptors-Nets series. After the attention his hygiene habit received, 1,200 of the groomers were given away to Toronto fans Wednesday by the team. True to his lyrics, "he started from the bottom"...of his pants.

*what were you picturing, perverts?

Overtime and Again

Following four consecutive games featuring extra periods in the Grizzles-Thunder series, the players are probably pooped (the power forwards could use a power nap) and the beat writers must be beat. Trainers have changed the coolers from dispensing Gatorade to 5-Hour Energy.

I can has Hornets? The Bobcats ended their playoff history without a win, using up almost all of their nine lives, by going 0-8 in postseason games over a dreadful decade (avoiding using up all of their nine playoff lives by a whisker). That sad stat lets us lol at these cats one last time.

Missing inaction: What do Donald Sterling and Roy Hibbert have in common? Neither are able to show up for playoff games these days.

United Center they fall: The Bulls lost all three games at home in their 4-1 series defeat to the Wizards. The last thing in Chicago that got dumped so distinctly was the Cubs commemorative cake.

Hear today, gone tomorrow: This week, it was revealed the reason Warriors assistant Darren Erman was fired April 5 was for what we'll call "pulling a V. Stiviano:" recording private conversations without permission. He taped talks of players and coaches for a span of three weeks. His plea to keep his job in Golden State fell on deaf ears. However, he was hired Tuesday by the Celtics, who we assume appreciate his exceptional listening skills.

The Sport's Authority

Evidently, Sterling and Silver don't go together - at least not anymore in the NBA. Commissioner Adam Silver harshly handed down an almost unthinkable and absolutely unprecedented punishment to Clippers owner Donald Sterling, who owned up to his repugnant remarks: a lifetime ban from the league, along with a superfluous $2.5 million fine, stopping short of sentencing Sterling to eternal damnation - although we get the sense if Silver had the (higher) power to so, he would have. A suspension would've been seen by some as a slap on the wrist. For Silver, stinging Sterling wouldn't suffice; he sought to scar him.

Beyond being permanent prohibited from any association with The Association, Silver will attempt to force the sale of the franchise, allowable if agreed upon by three-fourths of owners. Silver didn't just throw the book at Sterling, he threw a set of encyclopedias. However, a law library's worth of texts could be consulted before this conflict concludes.

We wonder, if words warranted this severe a sanction - and it's important to point out there wasn't any wrongdoing, only wrongsaying - what step would Silver have taken had Sterling been guilty of an actual discriminatory action as an owner: ordered his execution via a Silver bullet* and then served his head on a Silver platter to placate the pitchfork-possessing public, pissed-off players and pea-brained pundits? Instead, Silver lost his head over the hullabaloo, so Sterling lost his team.

This isn't a defense of Sterling, but we'll side with a dick before we do a dictator. We find it ironic that, for once, a reputed racist was lynched by a mob of minorities. We don't, however, find it justified.

At least Sterling learned a two valuable lessons: 1. Intolerance isn't tolerated under the sovereignty of Silver 2. Never trust a mistress; she may be wearing underwire - and also a wire.

*Silver would surely have shot Marge Schott

.

Reaction Jackson

There are many methods to peacefully demonstrate, but a sit-in isn't one the Warriors coach would stage. Mark Jackson sounded like Jesse Jackson, when he suggested supporters of either squad should take a stand by not being in the stands for tonight's tilt. "I believe as fans, the loudest statement they could make is to not show up to the game." That's one way to take the crowd out of it. Odd, Jackson didn't advocate that action when the teams played in Oakland. It appears he was absentminded.

It's both unrealistic and unreasonable to expect fans to boycott attending. They have already paid for tickets (no one's buying at the box office the day of during the playoffs), so by skipping out, they're the only ones who suffer. If Sterling isn't embarrassed by being a bigot, he won't be by an unoccupied arena, which was once common for the club. It would be an empty gesture. Besides, you think they can't find seat fillers in L.A.?

Too bad for Jackson he can't treat basketball buffs like they're one of his assistant coaches and boot them from the building.

An Awful (Audio) Clip

Donald Sterling has, for decades, had a less than sterling reputation - mostly for penny-pinching, but partly for prejudiced practices. TMZ, which deals in dishing TMI, released a recording in which a man who is supposedly Sterling advises his then-girlfriend not to associate with black people and insists none accompany her to games. The language is clean, the tone is calm, but the directive is decidedly discriminatory. What remains in question is whether it came from the mouth of a man who has received the NAACP's Lifetime Achievement Award and was slated to be bestowed the accolade again in May, yet also lost a lawsuit alleging biased practices in renting his properties. Did we mention his former gal pal is of African-American and Mexican heritage (or that Sterling's wife is suing her for embezzlement*)? Racism isn't always so black and white.

While those comments circulated that Sterling didn't want people of a certain color in the crowd, a crowd with clout - Magic, Kobe, LeBron and Jordan - condemned him. The commissioner was more cautious, but while he preached due process, the team felt they had to do something, so as persons no less prominent than POTUS dressed down Sterling, they undressed. Prior their playoff game Sunday, players, in protest, removed their official Clippers warm-up jackets and left them at center court. If only removing Sterling, the league's longest-tenured owner, were so simple.

*apparently, she digs up dirt and gold easily

The Other Maverick Carter

Vinsanity* is alive and well in 2014. You may remember Vince Carter from his days a decade ago as a dunking dynamo in Toronto (make that dino-mo) or you may have forgotten about him during his dim days in Orlando. He's in Dallas now and his most memorable moment this season was being part of was J.R. Smith's shenanigans (Carter's headband was pulled by the noted prank-puller).

That was before Saturday, when Carter, who now operates below the rim, was also far from it as he sunk a three-pointer as the buzzer sounded for the Mavericks. Carter pumped to free himself in the left corner and he and the Mavs had to be pumped at the result, particularly since it backed the top-seeded Spurs into a corner.

At 36, he's the oldest player to hit a game-winner in the playoffs since 1997 and Carter recalled that the last time he'd taken such a high-stakes shot was 2001 (back when Dr. Dre was still producing beats, not Beats). After the meaningful make, Carter felt a high his most soaring slams could never supply.

*hysteria for him pre-dates Linsanity

Get Well-Dressed Soon

If the sidelines seems significantly less snazzy so far this postseason, it's because they are sans Sager. Craig Sager, TNT's roving, resplendent reporter is undergoing treatment for leukemia. Allow us to pause while we dab our eyes with a paisley pocket square. No media member dons more distinctive duds - and make no mistake, some of them are duds (his aren't the suit and tie Justin Timberlake was singing about*). Thus, the network's commentators coordinated clothes in a pin-striped suit salute to Sags - and we were never so glad to see plaid^.

His son subbed in his stead Sunday (Popovich was kind enough to handle the kid with the kid gloves), but junior can't fill his father's two-tone shoes. There are those who want you to get better clothes, we just want you to get better.

*on the suit scale, Sager is closer to Tom Wolfe than Tom Ford

^it was Easter, the one day men besides Sager put on pastels

Hop on Pop's Bandwagon

Apparently, once you honor Pop, you can't stop. On Tuesday, Gregg Popovich was named Coach of the Year for the third time in his career. He was the obvious and safe choice for the award, but we're unsure he was most worthy, after admitting that occasionally during timeouts he tells his team to figure it out themselves (is that laissez-faire or just lazy?). Here are a trio of candidates whose names should've popped up:

Jeff Hornacek, Phoenix. Evidently, he still has his shooter's touch. Under his guidance, they rose from the ashes, like some sort of mythical bird. A griffin? No, that's not the one. It'll come to us.

Steve Clifford, Charlotte. We had to consult a media guide to learn who was at the helm, but he must have had veterinary training, since he nursed these cats back to health* with a winning record and playoff berth. Even MJ wouldn't have wagered on that happening.

Tom Thibodeau, Chicago. Dang, D.Rose was dinged (deja vu) and Deng was ditched, yet Thibs was like a top-of-the-line juicer, squeezing out wins from the rinds left behind. He's who you want when things don't go smoothie, er, smoothly.

Not receiving any votes whatsoever: Brett Brown, Philadelphia. Naturally, he stood no chance of winning, which is the way 76ers management would want it. Even if there was a trophy for trying not to tank when told to, he'd still finish behind our other three nominees. It fits with the Philly philosophy: "You lose some, you lose some more^."

*and we hear he's healed a colossal, carmine canine whose name escapes us

^also: "a lot o' losses leads to lotto gains"

FireWoodson

Mike Woodson was a dead man walking the sidelines since Phil Jackon's arrival and Monday the Zen Master trimmed him like a branch on a bonsai*. Even in an eastern conference that was more watered-down than a light beer, the Knicks still fell short of the playoffs. Although they finished strong - winning seven of their last ten and four straight - but for most of the season, they were The Assocation's Malaysia Airlines flight MH370: inexplicably lost after taking an abrupt turn^.

J.R. Smith showed his support for his booted boss. "He was great to me. He treated me how he wanted to be treated."
Woodson let him run wild, like a red fox on the White House grounds. Smith stayed loose - as did his opponent's shoelaces - still the Knicks had 17 fewer victories compared to last year. Woodson tried to fall on his sword, but the press had already plunged it inches into him (Stephen A. Smith being a serial stabber; as if his shrieking wasn't piercing enough).

Woodson is probably relieved to be relieved of this duties. He didn't have the spotlight shone on him so much as a black light, exposing the series of stains and splotches, showing how unsightly the Knicks were. "He responded to the players," Smith said, but they failed to return the favor. He was a defensive coach whose best defender openly question his defensive scheme, so Smith, it seems, was Woodson's sole defender.

It's widely assumed that the gig will go to Steve Kerr. That sets up a situation where the proven coach who's an unproven executive would hire the proven executive who's an unproven coach. Only in New York are head coaches easier to remove than horses.

*the Jazz's Tyrone Corbin was tossed in the waste bin, too
^their black box contains audio of Carmelo counting the days until he can opt out

F-Ujiiri

Masai Ujiri is both pro-fan and profane. At a playoff rally Saturday, the Raptors GM channeled his inner Rob Ford (the crassness, not the crack-smoking), and took the stage to shout, "Fuck Brooklyn." That salty sentiment will cause the crowd to cheer if you're in mannerless Manhattan, but not in courteous Canada, a country where the only thing cleaner than its citizens' language are its cities. Toronto lost game one*, so the expletive wasn't eff-ective.

Torontoans must have been shocked (the pale know best what is beyond the pale) - all the more so when they learned the Raptors qualified for the postseason. Although Ujiri's four-letter word was surprising, Toronto getting four wins to take the series would be more so. Ujiri apologized and swore he wouldn't say that again.

*they've already fallen into a-hole

Sold Milwaukee

As a billionaire, Mark Cuban might not know the value of a buck, but he definitely doesn't know the value of the Bucks. He called them a "bargain" and "cheap" at $550 million, after a sale was agreed to on Wednesday, so we doubt he shops at the dollar store (and old owner Herb Kohl probably doesn't patronize Kohl's). That averages out to $36.6 million per win this season. Forbes estimated the franchise's worth at $405 million in January, which is $145 mill. less than the purchase price, meaning bargain hunting and buck hunting aren't one in the same. Maybe Cuban has been smoking some of Larry Sanders' stash.

In other major mischaracterizations, Klay Thompson compared Blake Griffin to "a bull in a china shop." That's a bunch of bull, although courtesy of that comment, the series between the Warrior sand Clippers is shaping up to be a pottery barn-burner. Griffin can clear a Ford Taurus (or its Korean equivalent), but that doesn't make him a taurus. He's closer to a cheetah: swift, strong and in complete control of his body. The only plates Griffin is in danger of damaging when he plays are techtonic.

Wrapper's Delight

It's been another Bonner - er, we mean banner - year for the Spurs, who rolled the rest of the league like a taquito, resulting in the league's best record and the number one seed in the West. Now that the regular season is over(you may have noticed we rested our starters down the stretch, a la San Antonio), players are free to have fun, which for Matt Bonner, who last turned heads when his face was on someone else's, translates to talking over tacos with hip hop stars. When he chills, it involves chilies.

He was supposed to riff with rapper Riff Raff, but like tomatoes in a tortilla, he fell through, so in stepped Bushwick Bill of the Gheto Boys, who we learned must have bad breath because he enjoys eating tuna on garlic bread and considers chicken a "barnyard pimp" (they do strut similarly - or is that our mind playing tricks on us?).

Clearly, there's no keeping the Red Mamba's goofiness under wraps, although we still say the silliest snake is (Monty) Python. The video was shot in Austin, where the Alamo folks flock to is a cinema that serves cerveza, and is supposed to be the first of several. What's next, a soda series: Drinkin' pop with Pop*? Here's what we want to see in the second short: The Red Mamba eating a Red Burrito with Redman.

* if Bonner agrees to be a guest, the ginger can gab about ginger ale

The Iron Ref

After 39 years in The Association as a referee, Dick Bavetta has made every possible call, except one: out sick. On Wednesday, Bavetta went to work for the 2,633rd time without an absence, surpassing the consecutive games streak set by white peoples' patron saint of strong work ethic, Cal Ripken Jr. As a septuagenarian, he's more than a veteran; he's a Bavettaran.

Bavetta's officiating resume includes 270 playoff games, 3 All-Star affairs and the 1992 Olympics (that gig had to be his "dream" job). By now, he's traveled even more than the players he's policed. Despite overseeing 12-15 tilts per month, he doesn't wear down because he wears five layers of socks. When a fan shouts at him "you stink" they're probably right.

Whistleblowers of any kind are seldom celebrated, but Bavetta should be. He never saw the worth in ducking an assignment, even if it was Kevin Duckworth. After his next game wraps up, players should carry him off the court - that way they'll carry something other than the ball for a change (it's the least they can do after he allowed it for the previous 48 minutes).

Jungle Gym

Ever since they went seven games last season in their playoff series with the Heat, the Pacers have been pounding their chests as if they were Tarzan. Lately, they've just been getting pounded. Indiana has suffered setbacks in six of its last eight games, including three straight double-digit defeats, culminating in a 26-point clobbering by the stampeding Spurs. Welcome to the jungle. We see you've found the quicksand.

"Some selfish dudes in here," Roy Hibbert harrumphed about the slump. On the contrary, Roy, your group of guys have generously given away first place in the conference to Miami. Third from last in assists, the Pacers don't pass (unless judgement counts), thus they've been passed in the standings. A certain 80's cartoon/toy line taught us "sharing is caring" and the Pacers paucity of it is glaring. Hence, Hibbert going Grumpy Bear.

Luckily, they have layups remaining against the least of the East: Detroit, Milwaukee and Orlando. The jungle may not have fun, but it has games. None may matter more than April 11 versus the Heat. To this point, there's only one Indiana we're confident can make it out of the jungle - and he doesn't absorb whippings, he administers them.

Boogie's Nights

Although he's averaging 22 and 11 this season, both career-bests, people have been slow to sing DeMarcus Cousins' praises, so he'll sing them himself. Cousins, recording under the musical moniker Boogie Smooth, is readying to release an R&B record, entitled Misunderstood. Clearly, Cousins wants us to feel his T-Pain. The first single is called "Emotional," an appropriate anthem for the man tied for the league lead in technicals. Cousins plans to put the 'ball' in "ballad."

Did the arrival of Rudy Gay inspire DeMarcus Cousins to become the next Marvin Gaye? Alas, the album isn't genuine (or should we say Ginuwine?). It was all an elaborate April Fool's ruse. This means the only R. Kelly Cousins will cover in the near future is Lakers power forward Ryan (and we don't believe he can fly).

A Four Quarter Pounder

LeBron James is endorsing a new burger for McDonald's*, the bacon clubhouse. We wonder what the players in his clubhouse think about him hawking a hamburger. Are they lovin' or loathin' it? Is Birdman hopeful he can ink a deal with Red Robin? Do Wade and Bosh feel less special (sauce) now that they're no longer part of The Big (Mac) Three? LeBron should keep in mind that Five Guys aren't needed to build a burger, but they are to build a basketball team.

Sleek Mills: One man who want be mulling over the menu at Mickey D's is Patty Mills. According to Gregg Popovich, Mills gained playing time by losing weight. The guard wasn't in for as many minutes last season because coach carped, "he was a little fat ass." How'd he part with those pounds? All it took was fewer patty melts.

A mute point: In contrast to being criticized by his coach, Chris Kaman hasn't heard a discouraging word from Mike D'Antoni - or any words, for that matter. Three weeks have elapsed since the two talked, Kaman confessed to the press. So a hush has fallen over more than the crowd at Staples Center. In fact, Kaman learned he was starting last Tuesday by looking at the lineup card. "I'm not in charge, I don't control the wheels," Kaman conceded. This season has shown that the wheels on the Jim Buss go 'round and 'round, but they're stuck in the same spot. At least that's our spin on the situation.

*it's how he pays for his mcmansion

Streets of Failadelphia

The 1972-73 Flyers were The Broad Street Bullies; the 2013-14 76ers are the Broad Street Bullied. The 76ers - let's call them the 26ers - are one loss from inept immortality. We've seen less stiffs in morgues than on this shoddy sixers squad. The bottom has fallen out, starkly symbolized by Tony Wroten's sneaker splitting*. The season has been both sole-shredding and soul-shredding.

However, even if their equipment is ripped, the players don't deserve to be ripped nearly as much as the GM. What the front office has foisted on fans has been an affront to The Association. Unlike the slide in Washington state, this one is entirely man-made - make that management-made. The white flag has been waving atop the Wells Fargo center all winter. They've turned tanking into an art, if you consider finger-painting by adults art (they're using only their middle finger).

Coach Brett Brown was handed the keys to a car, which had its brake lines cut and its GPS pre-programmed to go straight into the Schuylkill River. At the trade deadline, the steering wheel was removed. He stands not at the Y in the road where cheesesteak chapels Pat's and Geno's are catty-corner, but at the "why?" between his pleasant past and his pathetic present. To put it in perspective, the Spurs, Brown's ex-employer, have won as many games consecutively as the Sixers have all season: 15. It's a culture shock that might require electroshock therapy. But before Brown throws himself a pity party, we'll point out that things aren't as awful as they appear - at least he doesn't coach the Bucks^.

*to be fair, he was wearing Tear Jordans

^yes, we found a reason for him to be sunny in Philadelphia

Nicked at Nite

The Lakers can't catch a break this season. They can't catch a break-in, either. As of Sunday, Swaggy P's house has a lot less swag in it. While Nick Young was filling the basket, producing 26 points in an L.A. win, someone was emptying his home.

His residence was robbed of roughly $100K worth of goods. Jewelry, clothing, computers, luggage and shoes were stolen. Among his most prized possessions pilfered was a rare pair of Nikes designed by Kanye West, Air Yeezy 2 Red October, the re-sale value of which can reach the thousands. The only worth more over-inflated than those kicks is Kanye's himself.

If this story of an athlete in The Association having his stuff swiped sounds familiar, it's because Chris Bosh was burgled almost a year ago, which had to bum out the birthday boy. The heat he needed were police, not players.

"I'm going to have to get a guard dog or something," Young playfully proposed. Perhaps a basset could protect his assets. However, the choice canine to bring his belongings back is a retriever (let the hunt for his Red Octobers begin!).

*he had only one turnover in 31 minutes, so his ball security was much better than his home security

Quite an App-etite

Shaq is filling up on apps - but he's storing them in his smartphone, not his stomach. In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, The Big Gigabyte estimates he spends $1,000 a week on downloads for his devices*. That's enough Candy Crush to give a tablet a (blue)toothache. His latest obsession is deer hunting games, so he has been shelling out big bucks to bag big bucks, virtually.

How can his tech hold all that software? His hard drive has to be larger than he is. Shaq was an early investor in Google, so he shifted from Blue Chips to microchips awhile ago.

*surely, the star of Kazaam uses Shazam

LeBron's Gone Soft (Drink)

LeBron James is always in the limelight, but he's about be in the lemon-limelight. James worked with sponsor Sprite to concoct a carbonation creation called 6Mix*, which adds cherry and orange fruit flavors to the regular recipe. No word on whether the King employed a royal taster in the production process or if the soda will be sold in Cleveland (although, in anticipation, we've crafted a cocktail Dan Gilbert is guaranteed to gulp: James' 6Mix + Jameson. We call it a Whiskey Sourpuss.).

6Mix will only be available for a limited time, so don't expect James to become the King of Pop. Unless shoppers buy the beverage in bulk, meaning: not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven...bottles at a time.

We think LeBron should debut the drink in the locker room; perhaps the product will prevent the Heat, who have lost six of their last ten games, from fizzling out as the season's end approaches. In order to succeed, neither the Heat nor 6Mix can come out flat.

*that ought to shake up 7Up

Full-Court Prez

The lousy Lakers could use a wing player and Kobe Bryant has one from the West Wing in mind. If Barack Obama wants to take a break from Capitol Hill*, he has the ability to hoop with Jordan Hill and the Lakers, according to Kobe, who says POTUS is sufficiently skilled to suit up for the squad^ (he'd shift from sitting between two ferns to two scrubs on the pine). Kobe compared the country's current Commander-in-Chief to former Washington Bullet Michael Adams. As an athlete that's acceptable, since Adams was a one-time All-Star, but as a President, there are other Adams you'd aim to be alongside.

We can hear his pre-game introduction now: At guard, 6'1", in his sixth year, from Harvard, number 44, the flyin' Hawaiian...

Before Obama leaves the Oval Office for a rectangular court (which is not what Michelle meant by Let's Move!), there are pros and cons to consider. He'd still be dealing with something orange that can be hard to handle, but it would be a basketball, instead of Boehner. Another German citizen, Chris Kaman, would be eager to take a selfie with him. The only shutdown he'd have to avoid would come from defenders, not Congress. Still, taking charge isn't the same as taking a charge and if a player put him on a poster, this time the caption would change (possibly to "Nope"). What's worse, we think he would have his shot blocked more often than his legislation (or his appointees).

*beyond taking time to film a fake interview and fill out his college basketball bracket

^so are his secret service agents because if you can protect the President, you can protect the paint

Position Philed

New Jack City has become Phil Jackson's new city, which is really his old, original city. Jackson, who was drafted by the Knicks and played there for 10 seasons, was named the team's president today. The man with more rings than Tiffany's was on the roster when the franchise won its only two titles and will be tasked with turning this club into a championship contender. That's a tall and time-consuming order; similar to scaling a skyscraper by stairs. And Jackson is accustomed to riding the elite elevator as a coach, taking shortcuts to the top in form of powerhouse (powermansion, even) pairs Pippen & Jordan and Shaq & Kobe. Jackson is stepping up to the challenge, just as Carmelo Anthony might be stepping out for good.

This season, the Knicks have been frequently flattened like pizza dough^ - and players such as Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith have shot enough bricks to build an oven. If he were to immediately implement the triangle with this group of guys, it would be scalene. Jackson, who signed a five-year contract, has no experience as an executive, so although his fondness for Eastern philosophy is well-known, his philosophy on the Eastern Conference is unknown. It remains to be seen whether he can cultivate Madison Square Garden into a zen garden.

*if that turns out to be true, then Jackson really stepped in it

^fitting, as Jackson can be crusty

Nash for (Purple and) Gold

Money is a major motivator, especially when that number is north of nine and a half million dollars for a year's work. That's a lot of cabbage, even for a vegan like Steve Nash, who intends to collect on his contract. "The reality is, I'm not going to retire because I want the money," he told Grantland, which strangely isn't a site dedicated to Horace and Harvey Grant.

Cash clearly registers with Nash, so he'll play 'til he's emptied the till. Nash has earned $137 mill. over the course of his career - you know, pocket money*. That's a nice nest egg - or a dozen of them (organic and cage-free, of course).

By being an athlete who actually admitted that moolah mattered, Nash deposited a reality check in our memory bank. Is it unreasonable that a man who distributed dimes for 18 years wants all of those owed to him?

Putting the 'pride' in "Celtic pride": Jared Sullivan says in a three-week period beginning in late January he viewed the 1994 Disney film The Lion King 14 times^. For Sullinger, it's the Circle of No Life.

Cut it out, guys: The 76ers rebuilding might make some want to jump off a building. However, suffering twenty straight setbacks doesn't mean all is lost. "This is not slit-your-wrist time," coach Brett Brown, who has been saddled with sending his squad on this season-long suicide mission, insisted. Perhaps, but the knot-the-noose moment is nigh, since the Sixers have shown they can't hang with anyone.

*his closet contains only cargo pants.

^where did he watch the movie? in his den, naturally.

L.A. Weakly

A dark cloud has hung over the Lakers all season and for once, we're sure it's not smog. A day after Kobe Bryant was declared done for the season, so was Steve Nash. The sum of games played this season for the decommissioned duo was a sour 16: 6 for Bryant, 10 for Nash. Nash's body seemed to be decomposing daily, while between battling back from the torn left Achilles and the fractured left knee, the only the cobra the Black Mamba could be concerned about was the health insurance.

Los Angeles, 20 games below .500 and second from the bottom in the West, has been reduced to Loss Angeles, with the the worst and widest one in franchise history - 12 Years a Slave didn't have whippings that severe - coming courtesy of their intracity competitors last Thursday*. That disastrous defeat demonstrated that neither the meek, nor Jodie Meeks (despite scoring a career-high 42 points on Sunday), shall inherit the Earth. Mike D'Antoni's request to keep problems in-house has limitations when you share a stadium with a team that has more than double your total victories.

The team traded one Blake (Steve) only to be trounced by another (Griffin). Swaggy P was shortened to Saggy P, so difficult are w's to come by currently. L.A. is notorious for eating its Young and Nick will be no exception. Management has constantly and casually offer Pau Gasol like he's tapas. It's enough for supporters to scream, "Robert Sacrebleu!" Forget Phil Jackson - who by all reports has accepted a front office position with the Knicks - and running the triangle, those who love the Lakers just want this team to stop running in circles.

*Blake Griffin may be red-headed, but he's no step-child.

Put it on Ice

Marcin Gortat, whose pop popped people for a living as a boxer, thinks hoops should should share a similarity with hockey and support fighting. The Polish Hammer wants players to have the chance to hammer out their differences, a suggestion that strikes us as savage (we can already picture J.R. Smith pulling a sleeved jersey over his opponent's head as they square off* and LeBron flopping as soon as someone swings within a few feet of his face). "Quick, 15-20 seconds, throw a few punches, then referees jump in and break this thing up," he proposes. He thinks it would be a hit with fans. We'd rather watch players fly than fists. Based on his basketbrawl idea, we're giving him new nickname: Goro-tat.

He hates black ice more than most: Minnesota Rep. Pat Garofalo opened his big(ot) mouth Sunday when the twit tweeted that if 70% of teams in the league folded the only visible effect would be a rise in crime. Because if there's one portion of the population who refrain from wrongdoing it's politicians. He also accused The Association of having a lax drug policy. Too bad that dope didn't know the NBA tests for marijuana more times per year than the other three major North American leagues. We hope voters weed out the loutish lawmaker this fall when he's up for reelection, but this is the state that has elected a pro wrestler and an SNL scribe. "I don't have a racist bone in my body," he insisted. That's doubtful. We're betting his friends and Twitter followers are just like his bones: all white.

*Mike Woodson wishes there was a penalty box he could send Smith to.

Shaqtin' a Fu

Before Neo knew kung fu, Shaquille O'Neal mastered the martial art - at least the pixilated version of him. The year was 1994 and thanks to the success of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, one-on-one fighting games were all the (Primal) Rage. So was Shaq, who jump-kicked at the chance to roundhouse in his Reeboks. Thus, Shaq Fu was spawned. The game was slammed harder than Shaq ever did and internet reviewers revel in ripping it two decades later.

Contrary to popular belief and belittlement, it was far from the worst video game ever or even of its era. In fact, it wasn't even the worst title produced by Electronic Arts starring a basketball player in an action role released that year. That dubious distinction belongs to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. Still, there is no doubt EA 16-bit off more than it could chew. Considering the plot involved sending Shaq to another dimension, the cartridge had little depth.

At any rate, Shaq is baq, but only on the PC (not Maq). However, he won't raise his fists a second time without first raising some money. A crowdfunding campaign began yesterday, on the Big Sensei's birthday. The developers are attempting to collect $450,000 in 45 days and they're so close to their goal - just $415,000 shy. There are perks for contributing your cash, such as having your face placed in the game ($2K), lunch and pickup hoops at Shaq's house ($15K) and the reward de resistance: sitting in on a taping of the TNT studio show with everyone's favorite, fun-loving foursome*.

Shaq swears, by not swearing, that "this time we won't fu it up." His promise remind us of an ancient Chinese proverb: Fu us once, Shaq, shame on you; fu us twice, shame on us.


*one prize we know will remain unclaimed is courtside seats to a Kings game. $3K should get you a roster spot.

Stand Back, He's Going to Hurl

Tracy McGrady is attempting a second sports career as a pitcher. That's right, T-Mac has taken up T-Ball, trying out for the Sugar Land Skeeters (who put the 'fly in "fly ball"), an independent team in Texas. Roger Clemens is instructing him*, so that means "The Rocket" is teaching the former Rocket. McGrady is working on a second pitch, so in time he could have the best splitter not named Tiago. In his quest to become a baseball player, we hope McGrady doesn't strike out - except, of course, the batters he faces.

Nobody Loves Raymond: Raymond Felton turned himself in to police last week for owning an unregistered gun, which was brought to the attention of authorities by Felton's wife, who recently filed for divorce. There was no fear of him firing the weapon, since it's common knowledge that Felton, who's making only 40.3% of his field goals this season, can't shoot. When Felton posted bond, it marked the first time this season a player other than Carmelo Anthony bailed the Knicks out.

Tanks for the memories: The 76ers, who should be sponsored by Subway, since they didn't earn "FebruANY" wins in a short month that felt so (foot)long (the march to misery continues in March, as the losing streak extends to 15 games), retired Allen Iverson's #3 jersey Saturday. On a squad searching for answers, at least they can look up in the rafters and see one.

Masking the smell of victory: LeBron James' personal and franchise best 61 points against the Bobcats Monday scent sent a message to Kevin Durant that the MVP race is far from the finish line and reminded us that records, not noses, are meant to be broken.

The Grateful Dead-Eye: Marksman Kyle Korver's all-time mark of 127 consecutive games with a made three-pointer ended last night, as he went 0-5 from beyond the arc for not-so-hotlanta, who fell by 24. Korver knocked down 337 treys during the stretch, meaning his threes have company. Hopefully, when the season is over, he'll have time to reflect on what a long, strange triple it's been.

*providing such useful tips as what order to take the cream and the clear in.

No Longer the Odd Man Out

Last April, Jason Collins was out in The Association. For the next ten months, he was out of The Association. After waiting more than half the season wondering whether he'd work again, Jason Collins was gainfully employed again on Sunday, by the Brooklyn Nets, who were suffering a shortage of big bodies. Hip hipster hooray! Collins became the first openly gay male athlete to play among the four major sports in America, stealing Michael Sam's thunder (but not by becoming a member of the Thunder).

Suddenly, the most celebrated Gay in the NBA is not named named Rudy. Collins signed and suited up the same day, snaring a pair of rebounds - and fouling five times - in 11 minutes of action (he went statless in seven minutes on Wednesday, showing he can simultaneously be a zero and a hero). Not since hip-hugging shorts were still in style has The Association been this gay. However, his stay could be shorter than a Vine video, since Collins' contract is only for 10 days*. Some gay cruises last longer than that.

*although, as of Tuesday, his jersey is for sale online and in The Association's Manhattan store, so the league is cashing in while it can. It turns out you can put a price on a pioneer - and it's $69.95.

Monstars Ball

To channel Chuck Klosterman for a sentence, two forms of entertainment based on basketball crossed over as unforgettably as Iverson on Jordan in the 1990s, into the pop cultural consciousness, our affinity and allowance allotted to each equally: NBA Jam and Space Jam*. The former returned in 2010, while the latter is reportedly in the works as of February, with LeBron James assuming the lead Michael Jordan held in the 1996 family-friendly feature film.

Here are our suggested subtitles for the sequel:
Space Jam 2: Jam Harder
Space Jam 2: Back in the Rabbit
Space Jam 2: Nerdlucks in Paradise
Space Jam 2: Crews Control
Space Jam 2: The Legend of Daffy's Gold
Space Jam 2: Electric Bugsaloo

Although Warner Bros. has announced the movie's development, sources close to James aren't confirming that he has been cast or even contacted by the studio (Michael B. Jordan is available), so we'll have to stay tooned for further information. If LeBron rejects the role, there's spot for him on Moron Mountain.

*what you thought we would mention Barkley Shut Up and Jam! and My Giant?

Servant's Four Quarters

Kevin Durant has never been self-serving - until now. He has been nickname-worthy for awhile, but he feels none of the nicknames he's been bestowed with - KD*, Durantula and Slim Reaper - have been worthy of him. He wants to be known as "the servant*." Where did this new nickname come from? Durant maid it up. Someone should tell him it's okay to have help.

When McLemore is less: It's de rigueur to diss the dunk contest, but the jeers this year are justified. The competition underwent renovations and the results were underwhelming. It hit the wall, but not because John Wall won with the aid of what looked like Dr. Manhattan wearing shades and a Wizards jersey. The format was convoluted and the amount of individual dunks was meager. The 'lift' was missing from this "facelift." Even Shaq's shenanigans couldn't salvage it. There were superior slams in the All-Star game. Heck, there were more dynamic dunks in the TNT's stars competition, during which a dunk tank toss was the decisive event^. This is our warning to The Association: don't bring that weak stuff in here again.

Taking a Turner for the worst: We transition from tanks to tanking. On deadline day, the 76ers traded two of their top three scorers and made three deals in total, each for draft picks and expiring contracts, shedding. The team isn't cleaning house so much as leveling it, then setting fire to the foundation. Even Miley Cyrus wouldn't wield a wrecking ball this recklessly.

*what will we call Jimmy Butler?

^naturally, the only man who had never played professional sports prevailed

The Bill Was Enormous

Pierre the Pelican, who has been terrifying tykes (making the mascot more of a repelican), underwent beak reduction surgery, the team reported. Let's hope the doctor who operated on him wasn't a quack. Next up in New Orleans to go under the knife: (or at least the razor) Anthony Davis' unibrow*.

A Lil' Help: Damian Lillard will do everything short of selling popcorn and peanuts in the stands, participating in a quintet of All-Star weekend exhibitions. The Trailblazer is blazing a trail by being the first player to compete in every event. He'll need an IV by the time he's finished all V.

Railing off-the-rails: This is one loss that won't bother the Knicks a bit. Stephen A. Smith said he won't defend the Knicks anymore^. "I've jumped off the train," he hollered on ESPN. If only he jumped in front of it.

Baby boomshakalaka: Micheal Jordan's new wife, a model 15 years younger than him, gave birth to identical twin girls on Tuesday. It's nice to announce a pair of heir Jordans(extremely limited edition) that Nike had nothing to do with.

*fact: this weekend, Davis' amount of All-Star appearances and eyebrows will be equal.

^this makes sense, since the Knicks don't defend anyone, why should anyone defend them?

Go Tell It On the Mountain

When LeBron James peaks, it's exciting; when he speaks about peaks, it's egomaniacal. In an interview that will air next Monday on NBA TV, the non-presidential LBJ said, "I'm going to be one of the top four to play this game", when asked about his made-up 'Mount Rushmore' of roundball. Yes, he's the face of the Association today, but does his mug belong among basketball's best? Let's not Rushmore to judgement.

He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.

Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.

Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.

Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.

Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.

*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday

^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone