Hershey's Disses

This is the only Skor NBA supporters will be seeing for some time.

Some jokes for Halloween. You don't need taffy to be laffy.

Q: How is Billy Hunter similar to zombies?

A: They both need brains!

Q: What do David Stern and vampires have in common?

A: They both suck!

Q: What is alike about NBA players and mummies?

A: They're both wrapped up in themselves!

Q: What history do witches and NBA fans share?

A: They've both been burned unfairly!

Q: How is the lockout like licorice?

A: It leaves a bad taste in your mouth!

Q: How is the NBA like a ghost?

A: They both can't be seen!

Two Weeks Noticed

It's going to be November to not remember in the NBA because no games will be played. The commissioner and magician-in-training is expected today to make another two weeks worth of games disappear, forfeiting a fortnight for a second time. Instead of sawing a woman in half, he's performing the trick on the schedule, but unlike the lady, we can't be assured that the regular season will be put back together. David Stern is no David Blaine. He's much closer to Gob Bluth*.

If Stern keeps removing two weeks of hoops at a time, we can put two and two together to deduce that there won't be basketball in 2011 - and likely beyond. Hocus-pocus, both sides have lost focus and soon - poof - their popularity will vanish faster than Criss Angel's.

*Maybe management should seek out the banana stand. There's always money in the banana stand.

Sweet Sixteen

Don't break out the cake with 16 candles yet, but labor and management spent a Long (Duk Dong) 16 hours meeting Tuesday, on the 110th day of the lockout, co-existing with the aid of George Cohen, a federal mediator. We assume the time was well-spent; that players and owners discussed dividing the league's revenue 50-50 and didn't go catch a midnight screening of 50/50*. If we learned anything from My Super Sweet 16 (besides that being wealthy and white is every bit as wonderful as we imagined - the only thing better is also owning an NBA team), it's that the number 16 signifies defiant demands and bratty behavior. We think the talks transpired thusly:

Players: We want a pony.

Owners: We already gave you a pony.

Players: No, that's a miniature horse. We want a pony!

Owners: Oh. Well, what's the difference?

Players: GIVE US OUR PONY!

Owners: Now, hold on. A pony is a big responsibility. Do you promise to take care of it?

Players: Yes.

Owners: Will you feed it and clean out its stall?

Players (impatiently): Yes, yes.

Owners: And you'll do this using your own money?

Players (shocked): What?!

Owners: The money out of your allowance that we give you.

Players: I hate you! This is the worst lockout EVER!

(Players storm off)

Mediator (wistfully, to Owners): They grow up so fast, don't they?

Owners: Yes, they grow absurdly fast and abnormally tall. That's why they play pro basketball.

Mediator: You realize this lockout is going to leave fans more depressed than Jerry West, right?

Owners (snidely): They can always turn to hockey. Hahahaha!

Mediator (somberly): You heartless sons of bitches.

We wonder: were there more shaved heads in the movie or in the negotiating room?

Appetite for Self-Destruction

There's a "gulf" war in the NBA. David Stern casually canceled the first two weeks of the season like it was The Playboy Club. The move eliminates 100 games from the schedule, all but assuring that a full season's slate of games is now out of the question for the second time in league history. "We just have a gulf that separates us [management and labor]," Stern said, adding that axing more games is likely. The first cut probably won't be the deepest, disappointing Cat Stevens as well as the Bobcats.

82 is the number of games each team plays. 82 is also the atomic weight of lead, the heavy metal the league is now sinking like into a gulf. Speaking of elements, there is an element of conspiracy when players association executive director Billy Hunter flippantly said about games being sloppily deleted at the last minute like they were porn files on your office computer, "I'm convinced that this is all just part of the plan." Accusing the owners and commissioner of wanting to lose games as a negotiating ploy doesn't set a civil tone. Maybe Hunter should watch How to be a Gentleman. Wait, that's been cancelled, too.*

Stern went on to say, "with every day that goes by, we need to look at further reductions in what's left of the season." It sounds like a Guns N' Roses guitarist won't be the only guy nicknamed Slash when Stern's through. Except, unlike the band, we won't be welcomed to the jungle because the NBA doesn't have fun or - for the moment - games.

*Players without contracts can't even sit around and watch Free Agents, another fall TV victim.

Yes, We Cancel

It figures. We have a man in the White House who's passionate about basketball, enough so to invite players over for pickup games, and somehow a lockout is about to occur while he's in the Oval Office. It's looking like more jobs will be lost under his watch. Curiously, the last time an NBA lockout happened, 1998-1999, was also the last time a Democrat was living in the White House (Bill Clinton loved college b-ball too, but not to the extent that he invited an expert to help him fill out his NCAA tournament bracket, which Obama does for the women's side, too, and yet there was no bigger fan of women than Clinton).

Obama needs to take action. If Congress can insert itself into baseball to investigate steroids, then surely the President can intervene to save the NBA season. Speaking with David Stern is bound to be more productive than meeting with John Boehner (and there should be less crying). Please, President Obama, give us what you ran on in 2008: hope. Better yet, give us hoops.

Historically, Republicans have known how to strike fear in the hearts of unions. Does this mean we should vote for a GOP candidate in 2012? Considering the name of his family's vacation home, we don't think Rick Perry would be an effective broker in lifting the lockout. Unless he threatened to put all the players on death row if they didn't suit up. Ron Paul would eliminate referees and allow players to regulate themselves, causing chaos. Mitt Romney would be in favor of health care for players in one meeting and then against it in the next session. The concern isn't that he's a Mormon, it's that he's a moron. Herman Cain might be able to deliver us pro hoops. At the very least, he can deliver us pizza. Because if it's not possible for us to be both fat and happy, we still want to be fat.