Aye, There's the Rub*

We apologize for our time away, but Kobe kept stunting the development of our stories. Kobe was dominating the keyboard, while we stood off to the side by the mouse, ready to be used if needed (almost always, Kobe went with the trackpad).

Last week, Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are "pretty much the worst team in the NBA," and we agree with that assessment^ - although they've won two in a row without him in the lineup - now that the Bobcats, losers of 11 straight, are back to being the harmless and hapless Bobkittens. The Raptors might also be the most OCD team in the association, too.

As Bargnani was airing his feelings of frustration, Amir Johnson was trying to feel out the fiasco on the floor. Johnson wanted to heed his habit of rubbing the ball in between free throws, but in the third quarter that rubbed the ref the wrong way. Forgetting to put the 'tact' in "tactile," Johnson tried to snatch the Spalding from the official and was tossed, then he tossed his mouthpiece, which led to a one-game suspension. At least there's one player in Toronto who wants the ball in his hands. Believe it or not, what Bargnani said, rather than what Johnson did, is more of a touchy subject.

*We're more ham than Hamlet, but we had to quote Shakespeare to mark our 200th post.
^Bargnani has claimed that comment was mistranslated, but we doubt his words were twisted like fusilli.

Points of Interest

Kobe Bryant is the Sam's Club of scorers - he buys buckets in bulk. Last night, he joined an elite club, becoming only the fifth player in league history to exceed 30,000 points. He is the youngest to reach the record, but that's because he passed on college* and entered the association at an earlier age, which wasn't an option for the others - and isn't allowed anymore, either. And before you offer a high-five for him being among the famed five of Jordan, Malone, Abdul-Jabbar and Chamberlain, consider that it actually took Kobe the most games to meet the milestone - 27 more than "the Mailman" needed to stick his forever stamp on the sacred scoring scrolls (which, if they don't exist, should). Still, the accomplishment represents both quality and quantity. That Kobe's achievement came against the Hornets, the team that traded him on draft day 16 years ago, meant on Wednesday he was making a point that won't show up on the stat sheet.

Guys and Dolls: We segue from Kobe to Barbie. Byron Scott isn't babying his young players, he's giving them babies. The Cavs coach has doled out dolls and strollers to the team's three rookies without a word as to why. We think coach confused the buddy system with the My Buddy system.

*See? Kobe passes sometimes.

Talking Sit

It's a good thing that during our extended break* we didn't miss much, like the Wizards breaking the curse that caused their dirty dozen game start to the season or defeating the defending champs, Rajon Rondo snapping his 10-plus assists streak at 37 games after snapping at Kris Kardashian Humphries over an ordinary foul on KG, Charles Barkley broadcasting a game, the Bobcats already equaling their win total from all of last year, the Garden being fertile ground for the Knicks who are 7-0 at on home soil (maybe because J.R. Smith is now more committed to his ballclub than clubbing), Tony Parker and Tim Duncan's going black op on a Halloween photo op, and a new name that New Orleans will come to egret - whoops, we mean regret.

But the most significant story of all was David Stern fining the Spurs a quarter of a million dollars for the coach Gregg Popovich's choice to sit Duncan, Parker, Manu Ginobli and Danny Green in the final contest of a six-game road. Popovich has put this plan in place plenty of times before, but never so early in the season and not when scheduled to play nationally televised game, which is what caused the commissioner to have a conniption.

Stern asininely attempted to argue that the franchise had done a disservice to the fans attending. It was an away game, so he means Miamians, who are noted for feeling about pro sports the way the water on their beaches does: luke-warm. These are the same fortunate fans whose team won the most recent title. The lucky bastards backers who have the privilege of "witnessing" the greatest player in the league on nightly basis, plus Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Ray Allen.

With his stiff sanctions, Stern showed that in the association, there's not only no rest for the wicked, there's no rest for the wonderful, either (San Antonio is 14-4). Popovich restrained response to repercussions was that he was "disappointed." Rightly so, since this unprecedented, pricey penalty shouldn't sit well with the Spurs.

*Let's just say the torpor was due to turkey day, after which we couldn't put our big-boy pants on (Kobe's advice to "just adjust" didn't work on our belt) - or make our way to a keyboard (we blame a kilo of key lime pie for the latter).