Putting a Dampier on Things

Miami was supposed to be head and shoulders above all the other teams. Yet, all they’ve managed to do is bump heads - and now shoulders - with their coach. Eric Spoelstra is the easy scapegoat, but he’s not the source of the early season struggles. The simple truth is the Heat are incomplete. Three of the best players in the league can’t compensate for the weakness in the remainder of the roster. Miami, to clear cap space to sign free agents, was a shell of a squad last year and for the mounds of money spent, they’ve only upgraded (albeit significantly) at two positions. Translation: the Heat are about as deep as an Ashton Kutcher tweet.

Now the Heat will be without Udonis Haslem, their toughest, most physical interior player, presumably for the season, after tearing a ligament in his foot. Although Haslem is more of a role player, this is a significant setback for the Heat. Haslem, a co-captain, was a leader, the team’s best rebounder and a guy willing to do the dirty work that’s required to win, such as taking charges and playing out of position, which he often did. Perhaps an even bigger problem than losing Haslem is who the Heat have added to replace him: Erick Dampier. Dampier, by virtue of his size, can clog a lane, but he doesn’t do much to defend it. Dampier’s big, but soft, like a stuffed animal at FAO Schwartz. Dampier’s last team, the Bobcats waived him before he’d even played a game, deciding they’d be better off with Kwame Brown in the middle. If that isn’t the ultimate slap in the face in the NBA, we’re not sure what is.

Losing a linchpin like Haslem and substituting someone who’s never been very inspired on a team that requires motivation – possibly the kind only Pat Riley can deliver (or that only he thinks he can deliver) – is the equivalent of putting a band-aid over a cut that requires stitches. And an off-brand band-aid at that. The “Big Three” are a big deal, but the Heat’s record might depend as much on another, average-to-atrocious trio: Dampier, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Joel Anthony. The Heat need to find a center to find their center.

Tony Parker Can't Lose*

Tony Parker may have signed a four-year contract extension last month, but he's still going to be a free agent of sorts. His wife, Eva Longoria, has filed for divorce. Ironic that the Desperate Housewives star is paving the way for him to rendezvous with numerous housewives, desperate or otherwise. As if being newly single and recently made richer wasn't enough, Parker has steered the Spurs to the best record in the league at 12-1. San Antonio has won 11 straight games, so whatever discord there might be in his personal life, it hasn't affected his play one bit. In fact, Parker is dishing and swishing superbly. His scoring is up 3.5 points per game from last season and he's handing out almost 2 more assists in each contest as compared to 09-10.

The alleged reason for the split is that Parker was having an affair with a mutual friend and while that's difficult to defend, we have two points: 1. "Monogamy" isn't a word in the European vocabulary (neither is "mouthwash") and 2. It's still better than sleeping with a teammate's mom (we're staring suspiciously at you, Delonte West). Re-signing with San Antonio means Parker will probably finish his career with the team that drafted him (as will Duncan and Ginobili), a rare occurrence these days, so even if Parker wasn't loyal to his spouse, he is to the Spurs. Although it pains us to praise a Parisian, Parker has been overlooked for the bulk of his career, as the media fawns over a flashier, newer point guard every year: Roy, Rose and now Westbrook. So here's a toast. A French toast.


*This is the first of what will likely be many references to failed Fox sitcoms. Wait until you read what player we've determined is suffering from Arrested Development. Yes, we can be quite The Critic, but at least we keep you in The Loop. Maybe we'll go back and change the last post's title to "Greg the Bunny Oden."

Inside Stuffing

NBA Thanksgiving fun fact: Turducken contains meat from a turkey, chicken and former journeyman center Kevin Duckworth.

Greg Oden is a FAILblazer

Greg Oden is a professional basketball player whose body is not capable of playing basketball for more than a handful of games at at time. This wouldn't be a big deal if the NBA season lasted a month. Or if he wasn't the number one overall pick in 2007. Oden missed all of what was supposed to be his first year following microfracture surgery on his right knee and he's been out of action since December of last year after microfracture surgery on his left knee*. He's seen more doctors than the Pebble Beach golf course.

Now comes the news that he won't return at any point this season. That means, after four seasons, Oden will have played in 82 games -- exactly one season's worth. He makes Yao Ming seem like A.C. Green in comparison (we're referring to his consecutive games streak, not his equally lengthy celibacy streak, which is more likely to never be topped). While it's debatable whether it's premature to brand him a bust, Oden is in serious danger of being the 00's Michael Olowokandi -- the most disappointing kandi since Sweet Tarts.

At least Oden will have plenty of time to send out more naked pictures of himself. Maybe he and Favre can hold a competition. Fastest to flash the flesh on Flickr is our suggested title.

* We don't need to tell you, anything with "micro" in the title isn't good, whether it's Microsoft or Micro Machines. Remember those? They sucked in comparison to Hot Wheels.

Moss Grows on LeBron

Just a few months ago, LeBron James was starved for attention. Now, he’s had his fill. The problem is, the media is a ravenous lot. Seriously, you can't say the "word" buffet around beat writers without causing a stampede. And LeBron is seated at the head of the dinner table, his plate piled high with food, but suddenly he's lost his appetite.*

LeBron doesn’t like all the scrutiny he’s brought on himself. After the Heat’s second loss to the Celtics, LeBron called for his playing time to be reduced – he declared that 44 minutes were “too much” (that’s more than a whole game, according to Zach Randolph). He then complained that the press blew his comments out of proportion. LeBron, you blew yourself out of proportion when you chose to control the news with your special, instead of just being covered by it. You made a calculated decision to move beyond the highlights to the headlines. You shone the spotlight on yourself, so you can't complain about the inevitable glare.

LeBron went on to say he understands why Randy Moss refuses to speak to the media. Maybe in a few weeks, if the losses continue to pile up, he’ll start to understand why Randy Moss quits during games (something LeBron was already accused of in the playoffs last year) and curses out caterers.

Identifying and sympathizing with a repudiated jerk, is this the road LeBron really wants to travel down? Openly asking for less responsibility isn’t exactly the mark of a great leader. We can’t find fault in LeBron’s game, but there's room for improvement in regards to his remarks (we think he owes his coach an apology) and role models.

*Wow, I've carried this conceit so far, I'm starting to get hungry.

Kevin Durant Has an AdVANtage

Kevin Durant may be the NBA’s newest golden child, but there’s a blue collar ethos present, which naturally resonates in the red states that makeup the Midwest*. Announcing his contract extension via Tweet brought him more goodwill than a million slick Nike ads ever could for LeBron; the message and the medium were both modern and modest. He’s so humble he didn’t want to appear on the Sports Illustrated cover alone; only agreeing to pose if two less-heralded teammates could flank him.

His working class ways are even evident in his mode of transportation: a GMC van. No imported (thanks for buying American, KD, maybe that’s why Obama invited you to ball at his place), souped up sports car, no tricked out truck, no limo-Hummer hybrid, no sleek motorcycles, no fleet containing all four. What 22-year-old multi-millionaire would pick the practical over the pricey, the reasonable over the ritzy? We’ll gladly answer our own question: A rare and mature one, one executives can feel secure in building a franchise around. One that the NBA is starting to showcase more and more.

Instead of buying a vehicle with the intention of impressing his teammates, Durant purchased one with the intention of giving them all a ride to practice. Kevin Durant: part superstar, part soccer mom. That's not to say his recession-relevant ride is devoid of amenities -- there’s an Xbox, a TV, some subwoofers and shiny rims -- but it’s still a van. Those haven’t been cool in decades and we question whether or not they were even hip in the 1970s because stoners tend to have terrible taste (see: tie-dyed shirts, the Grateful Dead). If Durant is interested in turning heads when he drives, it’ll have to be while he’s on the court.

* How's that for colorful language?

The Guy Who Kicked the Hornets Nest

It’s time the Hornets generated some buzz. New Orleans is the lone remaining undefeated team. If that’s not surprising enough, they’ve done it with a new and first-time head coach and GM. On top of that, Chris Paul’s minutes per game are the lowest they’ve been since entering the league. That’s right, the Hornets best player is spending more time on the sidelines, which might sting* a more selfish player concerned about his stats (Paul’s scoring is down). In truth, all Paul cares about is winning and his grumbling during the off-season was understandable because it was difficult to determine whether all the changes in NO signaled if Hornets were committed to winning or merely to cutting payroll by bringing aboard inexperienced personnel.

The Lakers and Celtics have performed as advertised, each with eight wins, while the Heat are barely luke-warm at 6-4, but what about a team that had no hype entering the? The Hornets have been helped by the fact that 5 of the 8 games have been at home, but that has been balanced out by the quality of the opponents: six of the victories have been over squads that made the playoffs last year and one that shouldn’t be a pushover anymore (Clippers). Not to mention the Big Easy has never turned up in big numbers for basketball, so the spectator support isn’t the same as in San Antonio or Utah.

Monty Williams has changed the culture by preaching defense and the Hornets have taken their cues from two recent acquisitions. Emeka Okafor is protecting the paint, while Trevor Ariza is locking down the perimeter, which adds up to the Hornets allowing under 90 points per contest to opponents, less than every team but the Bucks. Having Okafor around to erase mistakes allows Paul to gamble on steals more and not necessarily cost his team points.

We’re not saying that the strong start is an indication of where this team will finish, but heading into the season the priority was to placate Paul, not a playoff push. We don’t anticipate a trip to the Western Conference finals (for one, their bench is thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen), but the Hornets could benefit from the low expectations and the fresh approach. Right now, they couldn’t bee any better.

*pun fully intended

Post script: The Hornets lost the very next game they played. That bugs me a little (once again, pun intended). In summary, my seal of approval is more like a kiss of death, which means you don't want to know what my kisses are like.

Bald Don't Lie

Kevin Garnett's caustic comments would've caused the hair on Charlie Villanueva's head to stand up -- if Villanueva had any. Villanueva, who is afflicted with alopecia areata, a skin disease that prevents hair from growing on any part of his body (not just his noggin), alleges that Garnett called him a "cancer patient" during a game in which their matchup went from physical to personal. Garnett denies it -- claiming that he said Villanueva was "cancerous" to his team-- and his coach and Celtics director of basketball ops (Doc River and Danny Ainge) have rushed to both defend Garnett and disparage Villanueva, respectively, proving that the Celtics are a classy organization, from top to bottom.

Garnett has a well-deserved reputation for running his mouth and his gums have been flapping far more frequently since he joined the Celtics. He talks more trash than a garrulous garbageman. And these days, his lips move much more than his legs. So all signs point to it being true that in the heat of the moment he went over the line and said something stupid to purposefully provoke his opponent. That doesn't excuse his remarks, which crass and cruel, especially since this is a future Hall of Famer picking on a role player.

We're inclined to trust Villanueva. Why would he make the story up? He doesn't have a history of lying, while Garnett does have a history of yapping. Furthermore, Garnett expects us to believe he has the concentration to ball while spouting poly-syllabic insults? That when he's not dunking he's perusing the dictionary for pernicious put-downs?*

Villanueva is angry enough that he challenged Garnett to a fight, albeit in the least macho way possible: via Tweet. If KG wants to make things right, agree to square off, with all the proceeds going to fund cancer research. Only then will he learn the valuable lesson that words hurt -- but not as much as fists.

*You better believe I consulted a dictionary to make sure I was using "pernicious" correctly.

Oregon Almost Elects a Dud(ley)

Chris Dudley never ran down the court well, but that didn't stop him from running for Governor of Oregon, narrowly losing a closely-contested race. His political ambitions were like the residents of Eugene: high. To be fair, he isn't just another jock who misses being famous, although the incumbent did accuse him of that. Dudley attended Yale, which surely prepared him more for lobbying than dribbling, earning a degree in economics and political science. We think Dudley still has a bright future in politics, since his NBA career mimics that of many politicians: there's longevity (16 years) without much productivity (a paltry 3.9 ppg).

In other former great white stiffs who were vying for political office news, Shawn Bradley lost his bid for a seat in the Utah legislature. Experts thought gaining office would be a... (wait for it) tall order for the 7'6" Bradley. If this trend continues, we can expect to address Jeff Foster as "Senator" in ten years.

Deaf Jam

David Stern is preaching that players’ salaries have to be slashed substantially in order for the league to sustain itself. In other words, Chicken Little is screaming that the sky is falling. But his cries aren't being heard. While Stern has been publicly advocating for fiscal sanity – which he should’ve done before the free agency period if he wanted us to believe this was more than a tactic related to the collective bargaining negotiations-- teams have chosen to not just ignore that message, but openly defy it.

This week, Memphis announced it's shelling out $40 million for PG Mike Conley, while Atlanta agreed to terms with C Al Horford for $60 million. Conley averaged 12 points and 5 assists in 32 minutes per game last season. Those stats aren’t exactly eye-popping, but he’s sure to be cork-popping to toast his new deal, since the five-year contract will double his annual salary, from 4 to 8 mill. Horford nearly averaged a double-double last season, with 14 points and just under 10 boards, good enough to be named an All-Star reserve. The scoring is solid and the rebounding figure is impressive, but is he worth 12 mill. a year -- or more than twice what he's earning now? To put it in perspective, Horford will make more next season than any one of his teammates this season, except Joe Johnson, who received a max. contract.*

Both Conley and Horford are from the ’07 draft class, meaning they were only going to be restricted free agents after the year, so there should’ve been no rush to re-sign them.
In essence, these franchises are gambling that these players will continue to develop and improve, and that signing them at the start of the season will be less costly than doing so at the end, eliminating a potential bidding war against other interested squads, possibly saving them money in the long-run. However, they don't appear to be on track to turn into elite players at their positions; it's doubtful they're the next Chris Paul and Dwight Howard.

The Hawks and Grizzlies are paying for potential, which is the way the NBA has conducted business for quite some time, but if that has truly caused the league sink into dire straights financially, then it needs to stop. Desist distributing dollars to the might-be-greats. Often, players don't live up to the expectations and teams are saddled for years with bad contracts that they sometimes swap for other, equally-bad contracts. Owners and GMs need to reward results and end the practice of handing huge contracts to unproven players or one-year wonders. Being an NBA lottery pick doesn't mean you should be paid like a lottery winner, although it's not their fault that owners are willing to hand them jackpot money. Powerball and basketball payouts shouldn't be the same.

*Please note that this post contains no humor, but if you want to have a good laugh, take a look at what the Wolves voluntarily agreed to pay Darko this summer. He's responded with an average of 3.5 points on 18 percent shooting through four games. Money well-spent.